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Debbie Does the Fellowship

Chapter 1: A Mysterious Arrival

by GypsieRose

AUTHOR'S NOTE: This story was originally written in July 2002, revised March 2003. This is a parody of fanfiction cliches and self-insertion stories. It is not meant to slam fanfiction writers, and is not based on any one story in particular--it's only a bit of fun. Kind of book-verse, kind of movie-verse, definitely AU.

CHAPTER 1: A Mysterious Arrival

The eight remaining members of the Fellowship of the Ring were leaving Lothlórien, their hearts heavy with the task at hand.

"What do you suppose Galadriel meant when she said we would shortly meet a mysterious stranger who would aid us in our quest?" Merry asked Aragorn as they marched along.

"I know not, but Galadriel is very wise, and what she predicts will surely come to pass," the Ranger replied, his keen grey eyes fixed ahead. The road rose before them to the crest of a small hill, and a cluster of hazel tress, still leafless in the new spring, could be seen to the south. The road itself was lined with tender shoots of new grass, poked through with budding crocus plants, their tips vibrant violets and yellows.

Frodo trudged along in silence just behind Aragorn and Merry, the weight of the Ring pulling as if a great lodestone around his neck. Sam hovered, gnatlike, about his person, asking him if he needed any assistance. Behind him, Boromir glowered with desire...for the Ring, of course. Pippin followed the powerful warrior, trying to get him to spar a bit along the way, but not succeeding. Bringing up the rear, Legolas and Gimli strolled side by side, arguing in an undertone over who would kill the most orcs, should they ever come across any. And the pall of Gandalf's absence permeated the thoughts of all.

As they crested the hill, each thought he beheld a rare vision: a young woman, dressed in strange clothing, stood in the road's center, frantically pressing buttons on and screaming into a small pink device she held pressed to her ear. Her voice was beautiful, like the wind through reeds, as she said:

"Dammit! I pay sixty bucks a month for this crappy cell phone service, and I can't get a signal if I go fifty feet from my house! I am *so* going to cancel this at the end of the month!"

Merry stopped abruptly, causing Aragorn to plow into him from behind. "Her words are most strange," the hobbit said, steadying himself against the Ranger's accidental assault.

"Yes," agreed Aragorn, his eyes narrowed in assessment. The maid was fairly tall in height, though not as tall as he. Her chestnut hair was bound in a braid that swung as low as her waist, and her snugly fitting light blue shirt and short, rolled brown shorts left little about her comely form to the imagination. She wore thick-soled boots that looked as if they could withstand a good deal of hard travel, and had a strange belt about her waist. Slung over one shoulder were a small black bag with tiny straps and a larger, evenly rectangular bag on a single wide strap.

She blinked her green eyes at the Fellowship. "Oh...my...god...."

Boromir hissed in a loud whisper, "Perhaps she's been robbed and someone has made off with her clothing."

"I could hear that a mile away, you oaf," Legolas hissed back. "Perhaps you should hold your tongue."

Aragorn held a hand up to stay the company, and took a step toward the strange woman, careful to keep his other hand on the hilt of his sword.

The woman opened the small black bag and dropped the pink object into it, pulling out a small, white tube in its place. She held the tube at arm's length, in line with the approaching Ranger's face. "Don't come any closer! I was top student in my self-defense class!"

"Good Lady," Aragorn said, gazing warily at the canister she held, "we mean you no harm. Pray tell, what business do you have in this lonely country, so far away from any town? Were you taken by bandits and left here?"

"How should I know?" the woman complained. "One minute I was reaching for a bottle of Evian before I started my photo shoot, and then there was this flash of light and this burning smell, and I was here. Toto, this don't look like Kansas...."

"Her speech is strange," Gimli growled, "I don't trust her."

"Besides," the woman continued, "You people can't possibly be who I think you are. Either that, or I wandered onto the wrong set or something."

"And who is it, exactly, that you think we are?" Aragorn questioned, loosening his sword in its sheath.

"Let's see, by the sword and the stubble, and the general unwashed appearance, I'd guess you were Aragorn, son of Arathorn. That short one next to you is either Merry or Pippin, the big oafy guy is probably Boromir, the one with the pointy ears is Legolas, the chunky little guy is Samwise Gamgee, the dwarf is Gimli, and the cutie with the big baby blues has got to be Frodo. Is that about right?"

All the Fellowship simultaneously drew their weapons.

"She's a witch!" shouted Boromir, as he stepped menacingly forth.

"She was sent by the Dark Lord to get the Ring!" Sam screamed, throwing himself in front of Frodo.

"Will you shut up about the Ring!" Aragorn hissed through clenched teeth. "My Lady," he continued evenly, a dangerous look in his eye, "Please do explain how you come to know us."

She blinked. "Well, it's in the book, isn't it? Everyone knows that. Besides, you look just like the guys from the movie." She paused. "Did Jack from the studio set this joke up? You all must have cost him a small fortune. 'Let's tease Debbie--she's so gullible.' What a pain! And to think he even got me a job as the new model for Lara Croft! I'm still not going out with him, though."

"What is this book of which you speak?" Aragorn asked, trying desperately to make some sense of her words.

"_The Fellowship of the Ring_ of course," she replied. "Everyone born in the 20th century has heard of it. Here, I'll show you." She swung the large bag from her shoulder and unfastened it with a single fluid motion by pulling on a small metal key. Within was a black box, wider than it was tall. She hit a latch at the front of the box and it popped open, revealing a window embedded in its lid. The window glowed with a strange, white light.

"A witch, I tell you!" Boromir muttered.

The others ignored him, as they were usually wont to do.

"Gandalf's not with you anymore, right? So have you been to Lothlórien?"

The others clustered about her now, trying to get a good look at her magical scrying device--with the exception of Boromir, who stood, huffing, off to himself.

"We have just come from there," Sam said in wonderment. "Are you an elf?"

"Does she *look* like an elf?" Legolas asked haughtily.

Ignoring him, she touched some bottons on her device, and then pointed to the window. Wondrous script shone there.

"These are runes I do not recognize," Aragorn said in dismay.

"I'll read it to you then," the woman said. She quoted them a passage or two describing their most recent travels.

"She's been spying on us!" Boromir called from the edge of the road.

"Okay," the woman said slowly as she closed the lighted box. "So this isn't a joke?"

"We could not jest with one so wise," Gimli said. "You would catch us in it, I imagine."

"You're not all just actors, then?"

"We have not the time for that kind of folly," answered Aragorn sadly.

"Whoo boy."

******************************

Debbie had tried most earnestly to explain what a laptop was, what a cell phone was, what pepper spray was, who Lara Croft was, and what it meant to be from 21st-century Earth, but the Fellowship refused to see her as anything less than a powerful sorceress from another world, sent to replace Gandalf on their quest. She shrugged and let it go at that, since she seemed to lack the "magic" to return herself to her own world. Besides, in the three days she had been stuck in Middle-Earth, she had found the place to be quite lovely--if a little dirty and boring.

The Fellowship had insisted after the first day that Debbie's clothes were "unseemly for travel," and she was cold besides, so she let them lend her clothing. Hobbit breeches made stylish--if rather tight--capris, and Boromir's extra shirt, loose and billowing in grey, went well over the mini-tee she already wore, though he begrudged giving it up. Legolas had provided a pair of knee-high, soft leather boots when she'd complained that the combat boots were only for show and very new and uncomfortable. Aragorn had provided his own cloak, saying that he was used to the cold and wouldn't need it when, by the looks of the front of her shirt, she obviously did. And finally, she'd taken her lengthy chestnut hair out of its confining braid and let it hang free over her shoulders and down her back. The whole ensemble looked rather fetching indeed, if she did say so herself.

The hobbits, especially Merry and Pippin, were the most curious about her, though their curiosity seemed to extend more to trying to catch her undressing to sleep, than to her knowledge of the future or the mysterious circumstances of her arrival. Still, they were charming, cute little fellows--most unlike Boromir, who gave her such a scowl and a wide berth when he passed her that she nearly feared he'd kill her in her sleep.

One night, when the stars shone brightly in the crisp, moonless sky, Debbie expressed her fears to Merry and Pippin as they hovered about her, waiting for her to find a place to lay her bedroll for the evening.

"Boromir isn't such a bad fellow, really," one of the hobbits said. She never could tell the two little fellows apart.

"No, he isn't at all," the other agreed. "He's been nice enough to teach us to make better use of our swords."

Debbie raised one perfectly-arched eyebrow. "Oh, really?" she said slyly.

The two hobbits looked at each other, their eyes wide. Then they burst into giggles.

******************************

Later that evening, coming from off in the woods, away from the rest of the encampment, Legolas could faintly hear dialogue that raised his...curiosity:

"Oh! Oh, Merry! Oh, Merry, that's *wonderful*! Oh, Merry--yes! Yes!"

"Er...Deb...I'm *Pippin*. Merry's down there."

"Yes...well. Sorry about that, right? No hard feelings?"

"*Some* hard feeling."

"Ooh...Pippin..."

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Chapter name
A Mysterious Arrival
Created
11 Aug 2003
Last Edited
11 Aug 2003
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