Story Downloaded from Open Scrolls Archive (https://www.openscrolls.net)
Title: Swashbuckling in Lorien (#1300)
Author: Forest
Chapters: 7
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Archive: Tolkien
Category: Crossovers
Description: Jack Sparrow and Will Turner are somehow transported to Lorien but how will the elves take to them? How will the ladies of the "Haldir Lovers" group take to them? And most importantly, will Jack drink all of Lorien dry?
Published: 02 Oct 2004
Updated: 17 Jan 2005
Warnings:
Type: Humour
Characters: Jack Sparrow; OCs; Haldir; Rumil; Orophin
Chapter 1 - Chapter 1
Title: Swashbuckling in Lorien
Author: Forest
Pairing: None
Rating: PG13 (to be safe)
Genre: Humour
WARNING: Insanity
Beta: None
Disclaimer: I own nadda!
Feedback: Yes please! We aspiring authors thrive on the stuff.
Summary: Jack Sparrow and Will Turner are somehow transported to Lorien but how will the elves take to them? How will the ladies of HL take to them? Will Jack drink all of Lorien dry?
Spoilers: None
~*~
Chapter 1
~*~
Argh! No!
Catch them!
Oh crumbs.
Sheets upon sheets of paper were blown out from the stack and began to fly across the ground with lightning speed. Dorothy and Forest scrambled across the ground, each trying in vain to catch the escaping papers. As soon as one was caught, a fresh gust of wind blew up and the paper would leap out of their grasp like wet soap. They hurried along the ground, while back at where they were seated; Julie and Mei were wrestling the remaining papers into a leather bag before they could blow away.
Quite suddenly, the ground began to slope steeply downwards, almost vertically, and it was a sheer drop to the bottom. Forest and Dorothy watched in dismay as the escapee papers flew over the edge and far out of their reach. Sighing, they mooched back to Mei and Julie who had successfully managed to bag the other papers.
Did you get any? asked Julie as they approached.
Forest and Dorothy shook their heads.
Oh well, Ill just have to write the beginning again sighed Julie. It shouldnt take too long.
Forest looked around thoughtfully. The winds picking up. I reckon we should head back.
The other three considered this for a moment and then nodded. They retrieved their belongings from the ground and began to make their way back to the city.
~*~
Far away from any woodland glades, the Caribbean sun blazed overhead in the azure sky. No cloud could be seen so the sea was very pleasantly warm, soft, alabaster sand stretched for miles and miles and very near to the sea, there lay two figures. The younger one lay on his side, apparently reading, whilst the other was humming. Between significant hums, he would lift the bottle he had brought with him and take a huge swig of its contents.
The young male looked up from his book. How you can possibly drink that at this time of the day, Jack, is beyond me.
Jack paused, the bottle halfway to his mouth and sighed. It is rum, Will. It is made to be drunk at any time of the day. To not do so, would be an insult to it.
Will rolled his eyes and turned back to his book.
Suddenly a warm rush of wind swept along the sand, sending a cloud of it straight into Jacks mouth. Jack coughed and spluttered then downed an even more substantial amount of rum.
Where- did that come from? he coughed.
But Will was not listening. He was more interested in the pieces of paper that had suddenly been blown from nowhere in particular.
Never mind that he said. What about them?
Jack looked up, curious, and saw the pieces of paper fluttering along the sand. Without a second thought, Jack sprang forward and seized a handful of the papers that had blown near him. Hey, Will! he called, theres writing on them!
Will was suddenly even more interested and scrambled to his feet. Jack watched interestedly as Will ran along the beach, collecting every last piece. Finally, Will wandered back, around ten or so pieces clutched in his hand.
How many are there? he asked Jack upon his return.
Well, Ive got three Jack replied.
And Ive got ten said Will.
Who would let thirteen pieces of paper just blow away? said Will thoughtfully.
Does it matter grinned Jack. What do they say?
With that, the pair began reading through the papers and once they had each finished, Will looked up, wide-eyed. Jack on the other hand, just took another humongous swig of rum.
I had no idea it was still legal to write this sort of stuff Will said, frankly astounded.
Legal? Jack looked up from his bottle, a surprised expression on his face. Why wouldnt it be?
Will shrugged. Doesnt seem like the sort of literature someone would want to show to the public.
Jack looked wildly around. Well, whoever wrote this must still be around here somewhere. I say we go and find them and see if they have the next chapter written yet.
Will sighed but still, as Jack got up, he resigned to follow him.
~*~
Jack sat up slowly, rubbing his head. Beside him, Will lay unconscious and beside Will, lay the bottle of rum.
With a grin, Jack got up and grabbed the bottle. Glad I corked that he said, picking it up. Or the leaves would be having a nice little party.
Jacks eyes suddenly widened and he looked around. Trees, taller than a ships mast surrounded him and under his feet there was no longer sand, but grass and leaves.
What in Isla De Muerta just happened? he asked no-one in particular.
Suddenly, a pained groan sounded from behind him. Jack span round and saw Will getting slowly to his feet. He registered their surroundings even quicker than Jack.
Where are we? he groaned, looking around at the strange new environment.
I dont know said Jack stroking his moustache thoughtfully. But I like the smell. It smells like rum, and is therefore a civilised and most worthwhile place to be in.
Will looked at him. It smells nothing like rum, you idiot he said. Youve just had so much to drink you can smell your own breath!
Jack considered this for a moment, before sinking down on a rock. Oh yes he sighed. Youre right there. His eyes fell on the half-full bottle of rum in his hand.
Lets try to find out where we are said Will finally.
Forget exploring said Jack, uncorking the bottle. I need a drink!
Will shook his head in despair. Alright, you drink yourself stupid while I try and figure out where we are and how we got here!
Fine by me said Jack, his speech slightly slurred.
With that, Will turned and marched off through the trees, leaving Jack on his rock.
~*~
Orophin turned to his brother suddenly. Hal. Did you hear that?
Haldir stopped and looked at Orophin curiously. Hear what?
The whole of the Galadhrim stood silent and watchful, ears and eyes alert for any sound or movement. Then quite suddenly, the sound of drunken laughter echoed through the trees.
Were devils, were black sheep, were really bad eggs, drink up me hearties yo ho!
The elves looked at each other, astounded and curious then, one by one, they slipped away like clearing mist through the trees, silent and unseen.
Jack meandered his way drunkenly through the woods, his speech excessively slurred and his vision blurry. Yo ho, yo ho, a pirates life for me! He let out a drunken snort of laughter and took yet another swig of rum.
Now hissed Haldir to those near him.
Drink up, me hearties y - Quite suddenly, Jack froze, mid-song. Having around twenty arrows around you could quite disorientate some people, but not Jack.
This is wonderful! he laughed. I like my women strong!
The Galadhrim looked at each other, apparantly quite insulted. Haldir however, stepped forward and began to address Jack.
What business do you have in our wood, human?
Jack blinked, then clapped Haldir happily on the back. Great show, my lovelies, but you do not have to sweet-talk me. Im Captn Jack Sparrow. Savvy?
Haldir raised an irritated eyebrow. Already this human, drunk or not was trying his patience. Stumbling slightly, and not deterred at all by the arrows around him, Jack made his way over to Rumil.
How about a kiss, love? he grinned.
Rumil backed away, quite shocked.
Right! announced Haldir. Blindfold him and bind his hands!
Orophin and another Galadhrim guard stepped briskly forward. Orophin grabbed Jacks hands and tied them roughly behind his back while the other blindfolded him. To their surprise, Jack took this remarkably well.
Even better, ladies!
Haldir shook his head in disgust and motioned for his brother and the guard to lead Jack through the woods.
As they walked, Rumil turned to Haldir. Why didnt we just shoot him?
Because, dear brother, once this vile creature is sober, he may in fact have business here. Also, he seems to be no threat in this state. The lord and lady will know what to do with him.
Rumil nodded and followed, but still remained quite doubtful.
Chapter 2 - Chapter 2
Title: Swashbuckling in Lorien
Author: Forest
Pairing: None
Rating: PG13 (to be safe)
Genre: Humour
WARNING: Insanity
Beta: None
Disclaimer: I own nadda!
Feedback: Yes please! We aspiring authors thrive on the stuff.
Summary: Jack Sparrow and Will Turner are somehow transported to Lorien but how will the elves take to them? How will the ladies of HL take to them? Will Jack drink all of Lorien dry?
Spoilers: None
~*~
Chapter 2
~*~
As the troop of Galadhrim made their way back to the city, they had to pass the Nimrodel. As they neared it, Rumil winked at Haldir and gave the orders to stop. The elves looked at Haldir, who finally understood what Rumil was up to and nodded.
Untie the humans hands, Orophin! called Rumil.
Orophin raised a delicate brow at his brother, but at Haldirs reassuring nod, he shrugged and untied Jacks hands.
Keep him blindfolded continued Rumil. Then, the young elf pointed clearly at the relatively calm river flowing beside them, and it was at that point, the rest of the Galadhrim caught on and began to snigger.
Where are we ladies? came Jacks slurred voice. Is someone running me a bath?
Without further ado, Orophin and another guard took hold of Jacks arms and in one swift movement, the pirate was thrown into the waters of the Nimrodel with a resounding SPLAAASSSHHHHl!
Bubbles began to form on the surface and as the chuckling elves watched, Jacks head soon appeared above water again. His blindfold had miraculously not come off, but his crimson bandana had slipped and fallen over one already covered eye. His hat, meanwhile appeared above water a second later, and Jack grabbed it before it could float off downstream.
That was not funny! he shouted out, now completely sober.
Maybe not, human said Haldir who was struggling to hide his mirth. But necessary for our sense of smell!
Jack just scowled as Orophin and the other guard leant forward and hauled him out of the river.
Why must I be blindfolded? he asked. If I am going to go for a swim, Id really like to know about it first.
You are blindfolded, human explained Haldir. Because we very protective of that which is important to us. Should you turn out to be not who you say you are, we do not wish for you to know of our whereabouts.
Jack stood stunned, his mouth half open. Are you accusing me of being a spy?
Not as of yet, human. Haldir said, quite calmly. Then, the older elf turned to his companions and called out his order. Bind his hands again and lead him on!
~*~
Finally, the Galadhrim arrived at their destination. Jack was brought before the lord and lady for he was not known to them and the elves trusted their judgement. Still blindfolded, Jack as brought in front of the lord and lady by Haldir and Orophin.
With a hand on his breast, Haldir bowed with utmost respect. My lord and lady. We have found this human wandering our woods. We know not of how he came to be here.
Celeborn nodded and then spoke and Orophin made to remove Jacks blindfold. Leave it on, Orophin he commanded. Until we have spoken with him.
Orophin nodded and withdrew. Then Celeborn spoke up again.
What is your business in Lorien, stranger?
Jack resisted the temptation to go for his sword. These women were really aggravating and worst of all, this one sounded very male. Perhaps this one was male. So, he resigned to sighing and answered Celeborns question.
I have no idea.
Silence reigned throughout the flet and Celeborn exchanged a thoughtful glance with his wife.
What do you mean, stranger?
Jack formed a very satisfying mental picture of decapitating one of these infuriating women, then coughed and continued.
I mean I do not know why I am here, how I got here and who would hate me so much to dump me in a place like this.
You mean to say you just fell out of the sky?
Jack considered this for a moment and then nodded. Yeah.
A ripple of light laughter ran around the watching elves and Celeborn sighed then motioned for silence which came immediately at his request. Your story, as remote as its possibility of being truth is, seems plausible.
Now it was Jacks turn to feel stunned. You believe me?
It was Galadriel that answered him, kindly but firmly. Yes she said. I can see you truly have no idea how you got here and that is proof enough for me of your reliability. Although we do not know you as of yet, my husband and I are willing to let you remain here until we have found out the whole truth as to how you came to be in our realm.
Despite their lord and ladys decision, many of the elves nearby still remained distrusting of Jack and exchanged anxious and concerned expressions.
Celeborn motioned to Orophin. Remove his blindfold.
Orophin bowed, stepped forward and did as he was commanded, even though it was not to his liking. Once the blindfold had been removed, Jack blinked several times to get used to the sudden light, then as his vision returned, he saw the lord and lady in their full splendour and did something that surprised the onlookers.
He bowed.
Celeborns eyes suddenly fell on what Jack had clutched in his hand and he spoke up again. What is your name, human?
Jack stood up and cleared his throat. My name is Captain Jack Sparrow, sir. He said, putting particular emphasis on the Captain.
Well, Captain interjected Galadriel earning herself a happy looking expression from Jack at his address. What is that you have in your hand?
Jack looked down and suddenly realised he miraculously still held his bottle of rum. Oh! He said, quite surprised at the sight himself. That is rum, mlady. The finest rum in the Caribbean and a blessing to all who drink it.
Orophin turned to Haldir and whispered curiously. The Cari-whattsit?
Haldir shrugged. Must be a foreign term for wherever he comes from. My guess he continued with a smirk. The sewers.
Orophin stifled a chuckle and resumed his composure.
Galadriel exchanged an interested glance with her husband and continued. Is it at all like elven rum?
Jack blinked and raised a confused brow. What-Rum?
We are elves, Captain explained Galadriel patiently. Does that rum taste anything like ours?
Jack thought about this for several seconds, then finally answered. Well, that depends on what your rum tastes like, mlady.
Tis strong stuff that! piped up Rumil suddenly earning himself a death glare from both his brothers.
Really? said Jack, now extremely interested.
Yes Celeborn said. It is so potent, that we have locked it away. No-one can get to it.
Jack again resisted the temptation to knock the elven lord senseless. The mere thought of locking a drink away because it was too strong was too absurd for him to even comprehend.
Why? he asked, raising a brow.
Because if we let anyone drink it, they would most likely fall into an extreme drunken state for hours on end.
Jack didnt think this was something to be afraid of. On the contrary, he thought it was something to celebrate that such a drink existed and just managed to stop himself asking for a map. Instead, he contented himself with looking quite confused.
We were wondering, Captain said Celeborn, choosing his words carefully. If human rum tastes any different from our rum.
It may do said Jack thoughtfully.
Galadriel immediately dropped her regal manner and proceeded. Would you mind if we tried it?
Jack looked from the almost empty bottle in his hand, to the two elven royals a few feet away from him, and then back to the bottle again.
Sure! he said, reluctantly handing the bottle to Galadriel. He didnt trust himself by ending his last sentence with the word Babe. By the formidable look of the elves surrounding the area, he would be chopped suey if he so much as considered saying something like that.
He was slightly unnerved however when Galadriel suddenly attained a mischievous look for a fraction of a second and winked at him.
Fortunately no one else had noticed the exchange, for which Jack was eternally grateful.
Galadriel, meanwhile, uncorked the bottle and Celeborn handed her a goblet. She shrugged his hand away saying If youre going to do something, you may as well do it properly.
And with that, she uncorked the bottle with a pop and putting the bottle to her lips, she downed the miniscule amount that was left whilst Celeborn looked on in dismay. What in the name of Elbereth had come over his wife?
Ah, good stuff! she said, corking the bottle again. Then, realising what she had just said, she hastily corrected herself. I mean to say, it seems, it is milder than our rum, my lord.
Indeed? said Celeborn icily, raising a brow at his wife.
Galadriel just hiccupped and handed the bottle back to a very smug looking Jack.
You are dismissed Celeborn called to the surrounding elves before whispering to his wife. You. My talan. Now. We need to talk.
~*~
It was Haldir and a rather talkative Rumil that escorted Jack to his quarters.
Where do you get that rum? Rumil was asking Jack excitedly. It must be good stuff to make the lady talk like that!
Rumil, I am sure that Mr Sparrow does not want an irritating elf like you twittering in his ear like a hyper elfling.
Oh, I dont mind, Haldir! assured Jack.
Haldir sighed and continued walking. He longed for the day when his two other brothers would admit they had a problem and join Alcoholics Anonymous.
The trio turned a corner and Jack let out a shout of extreme surprise.
Will?!
Will span round as though he had been stung on the backside and stared, open-mouthed at Jack. He was flanked by both Zhie and Zu, each who seemed to have come over rather giggly.
How did you manage to get in here without being harpooned? Jack asked.
Will grinned smugly. These two lovely ladies found me in the woods and brought me here
Ah said Jack, beginning to see the light. But why were you not taken to the lord and wife?
Well, I was, briefly explained Will. See, they said that anyone who is a friend of the ladies here, is a friend of theirs.
Remarkably trustworthy replied Jack, arching an eyebrow.
Yes Will leaned closer to Jack and whispered urgently. Dont tell Elizabeth though. You know how
protective
she gets of me.
Jack sighed. Will, will, will. When have I ever given you reason not to trust me?
Will stared at Jack, not quite believing what he just heard.
Alright, fair point said Jack admittedly. But dont worry. My mouth is sealed. Fair lady will not hear of thine deeds!
Will rolled his eyes. Good!
Zu suddenly grabbed a hold of Wills arm. Come on, Will she grinned. Lets continue with the tour.
And with that, the three disappeared down the path and out of sight, leaving the two elves and the pirate at a loss for words.
~*~
There! announced Julie. Its done!
Forest looked over her shoulder. You finished the beginning again then?
Yep! Julie smiled happily down at the sheets of rewritten beginning, then hastily shoved them out of sight. And it is not being read yet.
Forest chuckled. So close, yet so far.
Around them were seated three other ladies Zee, Dorothy and Mei. Suddenly, the sound of approaching voices was heard and all five looked up, just in time to see Haldir and Orophin pass by with Jack Sparrow.
Julie looked doubtfully at the wine glass in her hand. Ladies? Did you just see
Oh, yes! came the excited chorus.
Silence reigned for a few fragile seconds, then suddenly all hell broke loose. There was a scramble for belongings and without further ado, the five ladies ran helter skelter after the trio.
Chapter 3 - Chapter 3
Title: Swashbuckling in Lorien
Author: Forest
Pairing: None
Rating: PG13 (to be safe)
Genre: Humour
WARNING: Insanity
Beta: None
Disclaimer: I own nadda!
Feedback: Yes please! We aspiring authors thrive on the stuff.
Summary: Jack Sparrow and Will Turner are somehow transported to Lorien but how will the elves take to them? How will the ladies of HL take to them? Will Jack drink all of Lorien dry?
Spoilers: None
~*~
Chapter 3
~*~
Skidding to a halt beside the trio, the ladies all stood still for a few seconds so to regain their breath. Dorothy however, did not wait to respire; instead she took the moment in her stride and began to flirt shamelessly with Jack who didnt seem to mind in the least. Seeing how well her comrade was getting along, Julie slipped silently over to where the pair were engaged in light hearted banter, threw caution to the winds and joined in.
Rumil exchanged glances with his brother who shrugged and after deciding that flirting was in fact a good thing to do at that moment in time, they both began to strike up conversation with the other ladies whilst Julie and Dorothy became acquainted with Jack.
Haldir chanced a glance up at the sky and saw that the sun was clearly beginning to set. If he did not make a move now, he would not get back in time to beat Orophin to the sherry. Even after several weeks of I get the sherry at sundown, you get it before from Orophin, Haldir still didnt understand why his brother was so fixated on getting the drink at a particular time. He had dropped hints of course about the E.A.A. (Elven Alcoholics Anonymous). A leaflet here. An address there. Orophin just didnt seem to pick up any hints.
Haldir had even gone as far as sticking a post-it note to his brothers head whilst he was sleeping. He had written the words Contact Alcoholics Anonymous You need help, only backwards so that when Orophin got up and went to the bathroom, he would read it in the mirror. Unfortunately, Orophin had noticed it was there as soon as he had awakened, peeled it off and threw it in the bin before even reading it.
Still, Haldir persevered with the cause and vowed that one day, be it in the near or distant future, he would convince his brother to go to an E.A.A meeting.
Well, we had better make a move said Haldir pointedly causing choruses of Oh, must you? and Already? from the ladies around him.
I am afraid so he said, taking Julies hand on a whim and kissing the back lightly. But we shall see you all tomorrow, I hope.
Julie nodded vigorously. Yes please!
Haldir just chuckled merrily and once Rumil had prised Jack off Dorothy, the trio made their way back to their own quarters.
~*~
Haldir, Rumil and Jack came to a halt outside one of the spare talans that was reserved for guests.
This is where you shall be sleeping said Haldir, opening the door.
Jacks mouth dropped at the sight of such an exquisite set-up and for the first time in his entire life, he was speechless.
Well leave you to get acquainted with your room then said Rumil with a smirk. It always greatly amused him to see the guests expressions when they saw their quarters for the first time, especially if said guest was human and originally smelt like he was used to sleeping in stables.
Jack nodded and thanked them with the words he was able to muster up, and then the two elves left, both feeling equally happy about life and well deserving of a salary raise.
~*~
Jack was woken the next morning by an abrupt knock at his door. After being suddenly startled out of his reverie, his eyes snapped open and with a short yelp, tumbled out of his bed onto the floor.
Ow! He got up slowly, nursing yet another bump on his already bruised head.
Are you alright? came a concerned sounding voice from outside the door.
Yeah. Im brilliant! came Jacks sarcastic reply.
Moving to the door, he unbolted it and let the visitor in. It was Celeborn and he was looking considerably more welcoming than the day before.
Captain Sparrow he began. We have had word that you are known to some of the ladies here.
Jack inwardly did a happy little tap-dance at the mention of his proper title and resumed listening.
And so I just came by to let you know that anyone who is a friend of theirs, is a friend of ours. You are most welcome to stay as long as you wish. Ring this if you need anything.
The elven lord handed Jack a silver bell which Jack took somewhat perplexed. With that, Celeborn walked out of the talan leaving Jack feeling quite stunned. Would you look at that? he said to himself looking at the bell. I arrive a prisoner and am instantly upgraded to VIP! I think Im going to like it here
Deciding there was no time like the present; Jack gave the bell a try. Its note was soft and light, but minutes later, an elleth appeared and curtseyed before him, causing Jack to grin.
What is your wish, sir? asked the young elleth pleasantly.
Jack looked thoughtful for a moment then replied in his smoothest voice. Something cold to drink, please miss
The elleth curtseyed again with a smile and departed.
Oh yes! said Jack, grinning inanely. I am most definitely going to like it here!
~*~
Oh, Rumil! laughed Crystalline as she lay on the lush greenery surrounding her and the elf.
Rumil sat beside her gently kissing his way up her arm whilst she chuckled at the sight of him. One moment they had been discussing Haldirs appalling manners at dinner and then Rumils mood had changed, then completely flipped, in both minds, for the better.
Eventually, they got up from the grass and made their way slowly back to Crystallines talan for she had some work to finish, and sadly she couldnt be out the entire morning.
I will call for you this evening he smiled as he walked her to her door.
I look forward to it, Rumil she said with a shy grin. Then, she leant forward and kissed him softly on the cheek before turning and going inside her talan.
Rumil all but floated back down the stairs to the ground, a rather unhealthy sized grin spreading over his face. He finally decided he would call and see how their new guest was doing, and so made his way up to Jacks talan.
~*~
As Rumil neared the talan, he was positive he could hear voices. Pressing his ear to the door, he listened hard.
so I rid the island of the bloodthirsty creature and after that, they made me their chief.
Oh, youre so brave!
So strong and handsome too!
A chorus of female laughter followed this remark and Rumil looked up in shock. He *had* got the right room, hadnt he? Rolling his eyes, he turned the door handle and walked in.
The sight that greeted him made his eyes almost pop out of his head.
Jack was lying on his bed surrounded by around six elleths. One was massaging his feet and another feeding him grapes. Upon his entrance, they all looked up and fixed him with questioning stares. Jack, on the other hand, just smirked.
Ah, Rumil! he said, raising his goblet to the elf. Come and join us!
Thank you. No said Rumil pointedly. Jack, could I have a word with you?
Yeah.
Outside.
Oh, right. Excuse me, ladies. Ill be back soon!
The elleths all looked on mournfully as their newfound play-mate disappeared.
~*~
Jack couldnt help feeling ever so slightly anxious as he followed Rumil outside, but did his best not to show it. He was expecting Rumil to come out with a tirade about his behaviour; after all, there was the possibility that one of the elleths was Rumils.
What Rumil did say, confused him more than a little.
Fancy a swim?
Jack blinked. Had he heard correctly? The elf was not going to punch his lights out for his typically pirate-ish actions? Jack mentally berated himself. The elf is not saying a thing about the girls he told himself sternly. Which means he wont mind if I do it again! Jack smiled inwardly and replied.
What?
A swim said Rumil casually. Theres a lake nearby and its a really nice morning.
Alright said Jack. He looked back briefly at the closed door.
Dont worry about them! said Rumil with a mischievous grin. Theyll be back again to you tomorrow!
Finally persuaded, Jack followed Rumil down the stairs and out towards the lake.
~*~
You are evil, you know that! laughed Forest as she walked with Julie.
And why would that be? Julie grinned.
Writing that story of yours in front of us and then not letting us read it! Forest replied.
Which will mean, youll enjoy it all the more when its finished
Fair point said Forest admittedly.
They rounded a corner and took the path which led down to the forest lake when suddenly they heard splashing and the sound of male laughter. Glancing at each other in curiosity, they took off down the path and hurried towards the sounds.
The pair came running into the clearing a minute or so later and what they saw made their mouths fall open in shock.
Jack?
Rumil?
The elf and the pirates heads snapped up and looked at the two ladies standing by the waters edge.
Come on in! called Jack. The waters fine!
Julie looked at Forest then discarded the dress she had been wearing. Underneath, for some reason, she was already wearing her swimming costume. With a neat movement, she dove straight into the water, coming up finally for air and bobbing beside Rumil.
Forest? called Rumil. Coming in?
Forest shook her head good naturedly. No thank, Rumil. Ill just sit here for a bit and enjoy the sun whilst it lasts
Suit yourself Rumil smiled and headed off down the deeper end with Julie and Jack.
Forest watched them in the water for a bit, then reached inside her pocket and pulled out a small sketchpad. Putting pencil to paper and keeping a keen eye, she begin to sketch her chosen subject Jack.
Seeing Forest out of the corner of his eye, Rumil suddenly got a brilliant plan. A despicable plan, but nonetheless brilliant. Winking at his companions, he dove underwater leaving only the slight trace of ripples. While Julie and Jack watched amusedly but trying to appear nonchalant all the same, he swam silently over to where Forest was still sketching and soon, his silver head bobbed up below where her feet were dangling over the edge.
With a wicked grin, he grabbed hold of her ankles and with a startled yelp; Forest was pulled into the warm water. Fortunately, she dropped her sketchpad on the grass so Rumil thanked the Valar for that luck, for otherwise he would have had a death sentence hanging over him if that had fallen in.
A few seconds later, Forest came up spluttering and glaring at Rumil. You insufferable elf! she fumed.
Rumil just raised a brow cheekily at her, and soon she felt herself beginning to crack at his ridiculous expression, until finally she resigned to her laughter.
Lucky I wore this underneath she said. Peeling out of her blouse and skirt, she tossed them onto the bank, revealing the swimming costume she was wearing underneath.
The four played about in the water for over half an hour, when suddenly the sound of whistling was heard. Soon, they saw Orophin in the distance, apparently destined for the lake himself.
Jacks eyes widened and he smirked wickedly. As Rumil had done, he dove underwater and swam over to where Orophin was now standing.
Good morning to you, Orophin! called Forest, trying to distract the elfs attention.
Finally realising that there were people in the water, Orophin waved back. Good morning to all of you too he said, unaware of Jacks presence underneath him.
In one swift movement, Jack grasped Orophins ankles and before the elf knew what was happening, he was soaking wet and confronted by four laughing onlookers. As he surfaced, he emitted a spout of water from his mouth and stared dumbfounded at Jack.
What was that for?
Call it payback for yesterday! said Jack with a grin.
~*~
Orophin did eventually calm down enough and even joined in the game of water volleyball with the others. Even though there was no ball to use at the beginning, they compromised and used the quite weighty sponge Rumil had brought with him. There was one instance where the sponge whacked Jack in the mouth, much to everyones mirth, but he recovered quickly enough.
After their swim, the five lay on the grass soaking up the afternoon rays.
This is the life sighed Orophin contentedly.
I couldnt agree more replied Forest next to him with a rival sigh of contentment.
Unbeknown to the pair, Rumil and Jack were currently engaged in an inaudible discussion. Suddenly, Jack tapped Julie on the shoulder and explained their plan.
Coming? he asked.
Julie looked at him suspiciously for a moment, and then nodded. Alright then, but remember. This was *your* idea* she added pointedly.
Then, without the other two even noticing, Julie, Rumil and Jack slipped off back through the woods. However, being the efficient elf he was, Rumil left a hastily written note to Orophin and Forest explaining that they hadnt been kidnapped, were all safe and would be back before sundown.
~*~
Its a good thing we have you with us, mate said Jack. Following this remark, he clapped Rumil on the back nearly sending the elf flying into a nearby tree.
Julie chuckled. Yes, Rumil, thank you for agreeing to come. Then, turning to Jack she continued. Just *how* strong is this rum?
Strong enough for the lord and lady to hide it under lock and key replied Rumil.
Julie smiled, and then her expression hardened. Where is this rum? she asked sternly. I mean, do either of you know exactly where it is hidden?
Julie, Julie, Julie said Rumil, shaking his head and putting his arm around Julies shoulders. Being a Galadhrim warden is not just twenty-four-seven boredom. It has its perks!
Like what? asked Jack curiously.
Like being told where the rum is explained Rumil, not bothering to look up at Jack.
They pair followed Rumil and finally they came to the kitchens.
Its hidden in there? asked Julie with a raised brow. Thats a bit
well...obvious, isnt it?
Thats the point said Rumil. Its so obvious, no one would think of looking there.
Jacks expression brightened even more and he made a pointing gesture with his hand. Clever, your lot, aint they?
I like to think so said Rumil with a grin.
The trio padded softly down the stone steps until they came into a long, high ceiling-ed room. The floor was stone flagged and on the stove nearby the wooden cupboards, a large pan of what smelt like chicken soup was simmering nicely. In a corner, there was a trap door laid into the floor.
That leads down to the drinks cellar explained Rumil to the pair who nodded.
Suddenly, the sound of joyful whistling was heard and they all dove behind a nearby stack of crates, just before an elf came into view from the far side of the kitchen. The elf in question was silver haired, well built and wore an apron. Then he turned around.
It was Haldir.
Julie let out a short gasp of surprise and Jack had to cover her mouth sharpish before she gave them away. Haldir looked up and began to walk towards their hiding place. He gradually got nearer, and nearer. They were going to be discovered. They were-
A loud whistling came from the stove and Haldir looked back round to see the pan boiling over. Oh, nettle-juice! he groaned, and hurried away to tend to the pan.
Rumil, Jack and Julie sighed in relief.
Alright, Julie said Jack. Its your cue
Julie nodded and crawled out from behind the crate. Luckily, Haldir didnt notice as he was too busy with the pan, so she made advantage of the time given to her, straightened herself out and walked calmly over to him.
Good afternoon, Haldir
Haldir jumped as though he had been burned, which, Julie reminded herself he may have been. Her suspicions were confirmed when he shook his hand vigorously.
Good afternoon to you, lirimaer he replied good naturedly. Pray tell, me what are you doing down in the kitchens?
Julie thought on the spot and her eyes flicked to the now gently simmering pan. I was just passing and I smelt some wonderful cooking she lied. I had to come down and see who was the equally wonderful chef tending to it.
For a second, she could have sworn Haldir almost blushed. In many places there is an unwritten rule that flattery will get you everywhere. Lorien, it seemed, was no exception to this.
Well, I am the only one here said Haldir. Though I shall not pretend I am a great cook, I get by.
Julie nodded and smiled, then offered her arm. Would you like a walk? she asked.
Haldir thought about this for a moment. Well, what about the soup?
You can leave it for a minute, cant you?
Haldir shook his head. Im afraid not.
Seeing this was their last chance, Rumil slipped out from behind the crate and walked towards the pair. I can take care of that for you, if youd like he offered.
Haldir looked round and gazed suspiciously at his brother. What are you after?
Rumil managed to look convincingly offended. Me? Why Haldir, why do you doubt me so?
Haldir sighed, smiled and took Julies arm. Alright, Julie, I think I can go on that walk after all. Then turning to Rumil, he added. Make sure you dont ruin it.
You can count on me said Rumil. He watched until the pair were out of he kitchen vicinity completely, then motioned for Jack to come over.
On his cue, Jack padded across to where Rumil was, then they went to the trapdoor, lifted it and slipped inside.
That was incredible whispered Rumil, once they had climbed down the ladder and were far enough down to not be heard.
What was? asked Jack who was already rummaging through the thousands of bottles that adorned the dusty shelves.
That Haldir didnt suspect me or see you! said Rumil, still trying to work out the logic behind it.
You can do all the deep thinking you like said Jack quickly. After weve found that rum
With that, the pirate continued to look through the shelves and boxes and only stopped when he heard an abrupt cough behind him. He turned and saw Rumil with his foot on an iron box looking quite smug. Upon the box was a label saying Illegal Rum.
Think it could be this? said Rumil with a smirk.
Therell be no living with you after this, will there? said Jack with a grin.
Rumil shook his head and bent down to examine the lock. Now, all that remains is how to get this open. Reaching inside his tunic, the elf pulled out a silver pin and proceeded to pick the lock.
For over five minutes they waited. Jack getting progressively more and more irritated by the lack of progress. Finally, he snapped. Reaching down, he unsheathed his sword. Watch out, lad! he warned. Rumil looked up, his eyes widened and he rolled out of the way just in time.
Jack brought the sword down upon the lock and with an ear-splitting crunch, the lock broke clean in two leaving the lid unlocked and inviting. Bending over the lid, they lifted it up and sure enough, inside lay fourteen bottles of the strongest and smoothest rum in the whole of Middle-Earth.
As I said once to dear William said Jack as they collected the bottles. Not all treasure is silver and gold.
Taking seven bottles each, the pair staggered up the ladder, shut the trapdoor and out of the kitchens, taking care to put the box back where it had been and fill it with decoy bottles of liquor. Once outside, they hid the bottles in a bush and waited until Julie came back with Haldir.
They knew shed appear soon because this was the Plan B. Plan B was as it had happened and Julie was to walk Haldir round in circles, each time passing the kitchen door once every five minutes or so. Luckily, the pair had only been in the cellar ten minutes, so it was highly unlikely that Haldir would be becoming suspicious.
Sure enough, a minute later, they heard the sound of Haldir and Julies voices.
Quick! Get down hissed Rumil to Jack whereupon Jack buried himself in the bush, making sure he was unseen to anyone passing by.
As soon as Haldir hoved into view, Rumil came rushing towards him causing the elder elf to frown. Haldir! he cried. I couldnt do anything! A sparrow flew in the window, and I am afraid it used your soup as a handy toilet stop.
Julie had to swallow hard to stop herself from bursting out laughing at the look on Haldirs face. WHAT! he cried in horror, his eyes wide like saucers.
I think perhaps, I will catch up with you tomorrow, Hal, dear said Julie kindly, patting the wardens arm.
Yes, thats fine said Haldir, managing a fleeting smile. He kissed Julie lightly on the cheek before departing. Id better go and see if I can salvage any of the soup. Then, to Rumil he simply said Ill deal with you later!
Rumil frankly couldnt get too worried about this. He had rum. Haldir had none. He had illegal rum. Haldir had none. He had managed to fool Haldir. Haldir fell for it spectacularly. Oh, yes thought Rumil as they joined Jack, retrieved the bottles and made their way swiftly away from the kitchens. Life was definitely very good.
Chapter 4 - Chapter 4
Title: Swashbuckling in Lorien
Author: Forest
Pairing: None
Rating: PG13 (to be safe)
Genre: Humour
WARNING: Insanity
Beta: None
Disclaimer: I own nadda!
Feedback: Yes please! We aspiring authors thrive on the stuff.
Summary: Jack Sparrow and Will Turner are somehow transported to Lorien but how will the elves take to them? How will the ladies of HL take to them? Will Jack drink all of Lorien dry?
Spoilers: None
~*~
Chapter 4
~*~
After much debate and discussion, the rum had finally been hidden in another elfs room. Jack had decided they could not hide it in Julies for she had been seen at the kitchens and Rumils for the same reason. Jack, on the other hand, made an excuse that he didnt want to be caught red-handed and have to turn the other two in. Secretly though, both Julie and Rumil suspected that he didnt want to lose the attention of the elleths.
Who did you give the rum to? asked Jack of Rumil that evening.
I will not tell you said Rumil with a smirk. For I know if I do, you will go looking for the elf in question and drink all the rum before time!
Jack managed to look convincingly offended. I would not!
Well, even if you are telling the truth, I cannot risk it. Besides, you will enjoy it all the more when the time comes.
When the time-? Rumil, what are you blathering on about?
Rumil sighed. Youll know soon enough, now excuse me I need to have a private talk with someone.
Ah said Jack, raising a brow. Ill wait here, shall I?
Actually suggested Rumil, who had already begun to ascend the stairs. Go and get a wash. You look pretty grimy after those cellars!
Charming! called Jack after the elf, but still; he made his way towards the wash basin he had seen earlier.
~*~
Jack wandered throughout the woods, hoping that he could actually retrace his steps effectively and find the wash basin again. He finally came out into a clearing and drew a breath of relief. There, standing in the centre of the clearing was the very wash basin he had seen earlier.
Making his way gladly towards it, he stopped short when he saw it held no water. Shaking his head at the inefficiency of it all, he walked over to the spring where water was flowing from within the rock and filled the pitcher that stood beside it. Jack carried the pitcher over the basin and slowly poured in the water.
Jack Sparrow!
Jack jumped in such fright, that he slopped the remainder of the water down his tunic. Then, he whipped around to see who had spoken.
It was Lady Galadriel, and she did not look happy.
I am sorry, my lady he said apologetically. Did you want to wash first?
He flinched as Galadriels eyes flashed with suppressed anger, and he could not explain why.
Wash? she said quietly. Why would I want to do that?
Jack made a small o with his mouth in realisation and continued. Of course, I am sorry. You do not need to wash as you are already completely clean.
For a fleeting moment, the fire of wrath that had ignited in Galadriels eyes, seemed to falter, but soon it regained full strength again.
You dare to defile the Mirror by mundanely washing in its depths?
The Mirror? Jack looked spectacularly confused about life at that moment and wondered if the Lady had gone quite mad. It is a basin, is it not? Seemingly only fit for washing dirt off?
That did it.
With a surge of anger, Galadriel threw her arms up in fury and to Jacks utmost surprise, began to glow green. Really green.
You dare to come here, human, and use the sacred Mirror as a basin for your washing needs? You dare to fill the Mirror with the sacred water that flows from yonder spring? You dare-
Jack couldnt help it. With no warning whatsoever, he let out a loud and obvious yawn.
This caused Galadriels eyes to widen in shock and the glow surrounding her to flicker and finally die completely.
Y-you yawned? she said in disbelief.
Jack looked up, pleased to see she had finally stopped yelling. Sorry, my lady. I couldnt help it. Nice trick though, real nice. But Im afraid to say I have seen far scarier things than you down where I come from.
M-more s-s-scarier than even me? she stuttered, hardly daring to believe her ears.
Jack nodded. Well, glad thats cleared up. Now, if youll excuse me, my lady, I will go elsewhere and seek out a wash basin.
Yes she replied quietly sinking down onto a stone step. Do that.
Jack nodded, and with a respectful bow and a turn of his heel, he departed the clearing.
Galadriel, meanwhile, remained in the same spot for many hours, trying to figure out what she had done wrong all these years. Were all the people she glowed against, merely pretending to be afraid? Was she a really failure at frightening people?
Scarier than me? she mused.
And so, the Lady Galadriel began to plot various new and improved ways of scaring the wits out of people.
~*~
Upon reaching the talan, Rumil pressed his ear against the door as he always did, listening for any sounds inside. Whether Rumil always did this out of consideration, or was just being plain nosy, no one knew. He could hear nothing inside, save for the light scratching of a quill, and so knocked lightly on the door.
The tinkling sound of breaking glass was suddenly heard, followed by a groan. Coming. One minute! came the muffled voice.
Seconds later, Rumil heard footsteps and the door was opened.
Ah, Forest greeted Rumil. I hope I find you well.
In perfect health, thank you she replied suspiciously. What are you after?
Rumil feigned a distressed sigh. Why does everyone always suspect me?
Because there is always something to suspect she chuckled.
Rumil cocked his head to one side and looked thoughtful for a moment. Fair enough. Can I come in?
Forest nodded. Sure, but mind the glass
Glass?
Upon entering the talan, Rumils first reaction was to leave, put on some mithril shoes and then come back. Shards upon shards of glass adorned the floor, some large and obvious, others smaller than a pin.
Uhm
.what happened? asked Rumil, cautiously stepping in-between the glittering segments, hoping that his foot would not end up being skewered.
Ink bottle fell off the desk she explained, going into the closet to fetch a dustpan and brush.
It was then that Rumil noticed the pool of ink upon the desk which was steadily dripping off the side, forming a small puddle on the floor.
Wipe that up would you? came Forests voice from the closet.
With what? he called back.
Theres a box of tissues by the window she replied.
Looking across to the window, Rumil spotted the box of tissues she was talking about. He pulled around seven from the box and hastily soaked up the ink.
Ah, thats great! smiled Forest, finally emerging with the dustpan and brush clutched in her hand.
Bending down, she began to quickly scoop up the glass into the pan, whilst Rumil watched, fidgeting as he did so.
Uhm
.Forest?
Yes? she replied, still attending to the glass.
I need to tell you something.
One minute
Forest stood up, walked over to the bin and deposited the glass pieces safely inside. Now she said, replacing the dustpan and brush in the closet, what was it you wanted to tell me?
Rumil hastily told her all about the escapade in the kitchens with the rum and then hesitated when it came to telling her of its hiding place.
Go on she urged with a raised brow. Which fool let you hide the rum in their room?
Rumil took a deep breath. Beleril.
~*~
Any elves, ladies or elleths that chanced to pass near Forests talan at that moment in time, would be positive they had heard some kind of chemical explosion taking place.
WHAT?!
Forest glared at Rumil completely livid. You gave them to Bel? How stupid can you get?
Rumil cowered against the wall he found himself suddenly backed against and replied pleadingly. He wont be found out.
And how exactly can you be sure of that? she fumed. You have given an elf with a completely clean record the entire stock of Lorien rum, not to mention it is illegal. You do realise he could lose his position at the borders for this?
Rumil nodded meekly. Yes, I know that. But by tonight, he will be relieved of the rum anyway.
Thats not the point! Forest continued. You have landed an innocent elf in the prospect of utter shame and loss of respect. Should he be found out, I will not hesitate in turning you in!
Rumils eyes widened. Y-you wouldnt. But I could lose my job!
It would be no more than you deserve she replied grimly.
Rumil hastily fished around in his mind for a plea that might get him out of this incredibly sticky situation. But if you turn me in, youll have to turn Jack in. And Julie! They were with me too you know.
Forest thought about this for a moment, and then let out a deep sigh. That is true. Much as I despise what you have done, Rumil, I would not turn Julie in. However, as long as you promise that you will, as you said, relieve Beleril of the rum by tonight, I will say no more about it.
Rumil nodded. I can promise you that.
Good Forest said finally. I only hope that Beleril comes out of this un-tainted, for your sake.
Rumil nodded again, and then replied quietly. I shall take my leave.
I think you had better, before I change my mind said Forest. Then, as Rumil reached for the door, she added. And tell what I said to you, to Jack also.
~*~
A mile or so from the borders of Lothlorien, two lone riders could be seen, each travelling with considerable haste. They were both dressed in elven riding gear and each mounted on a similar coloured steed. In fact, the only noticeable difference was their features. One had a slim, elegant shaped face with chiselled features and sable hair, the other was more muscular and well-built with golden hair that shone like the sun.
Think Haldir will be there to greet us as usual, Fin? called the raven haired elf to his companion.
Aye, Erestor, if he is not otherwise engaged replied Glorfindel.
They both chuckled at the in-joke and resumed riding.
I hear tell there are mortals in the woods these days continued Glorfindel.
Erestors tone grew stern. Mortals? Dear Glorfindel, you surely jest.
I can assure you, I do not replied Glorfindel. But you neednt go in with your sword drawn ready to decapitate any male mortal that crosses your path.
Why? asked Erestor, genuinely curious.
Because these are females of whom I speak.
Erestors expression softened. That is all well then.
Glorfindel shook his head in suppressed mirth. Erestor, I am positive I will never understand your distrustful nature of male mortals.
Erestor sighed. He had lost count of the times he had replied to this very same statement, but resumed answering anyway. I distrust them until I am sure I know them, Fin he explained. That is all.
You know, for all your knowledge and wisdom, Erestor, I find it strange indeed that you should harbour such a feeling, when even you know that females can be equally wicked as
men.
That is true replied Erestor thoughtfully. Perhaps you are right, Fin. Perhaps I should give them both equal chances. I guess the reason I, as you say, harbour such feelings is that I have had more pleasant dealings with females than with men.
Then, upon seeing the amused expression on his friends face, Erestor quickly added. And not always like that, Fin! Dear me, it is true. Your mind does indeed reside in the gutter permanently
That is not exactly true said Glorfindel haughtily. It takes its vacations there, that is all.
With that, he exchanged glances with Erestor and then both immediately succumbed to their laughter.
~*~
Erestor and Glorfindel rode swiftly through the trees and minutes later, they were greeted by the all too familiar sight of arrows.
Haldir, you fruit! called out Glorfindel. Tis us!
Haldir stepped forward out of the trees and motioned for the others to lower their weapons which they did without hesitation, then waited for his next command. It never came however, for Haldir at once strode forward and seized Glorfindels hand.
Dear, Fin! he said with suppressed glee. It must be at least a decade since our paths crossed.
Indeed it is replied Glorfindel. A little over that if my memory serves me correctly.
Haldir then turned to Erestor and bowed, still retaining the happy glow he had from seeing his golden-haired friend again.
And Erestor, it is truly wonderful to see you again too. Do I remember rightly after our last meeting, you mentioned a few tales and secrets of your work with Lord Elrond? Perchance, will we have the pleasure of such worthwhile conversation on your visit this time?
Erestor laughed merrily. Perhaps. But Haldir, I am afraid you will have to get me thoroughly drunk before I even begin to reveal any secrets to you.
Even the little ones? prompted Haldir.
Even the ones littler than the little ones grinned Erestor.
Haldir turned his gaze back to Glorfindel. Hear that, Fin. You have a mission already. To get dear Erestor as soused as is mundanely possible!
Glorfindel saluted Haldir cheekily. Yes Captain! he said, the overly-serious expression on his face causing the on-looking advisor to let out a snort of mirth.
Well, glad thats settled said Haldir rubbing his hands together in a most un-Haldir-ish way. Let me show you to your quarters. He turned to his guards. You all stay here and stand watch. Rumil, you take my post for the moment.
An abrupt cough sounded from nearby and Haldir looked up. What, Orophin?
Rumil is not here, Haldir he said.
Not here? said Haldir, quite surprised at the news. Well, hed better hope the Valar are in his favour by the time I get hold of him.
Orophin nodded grimly, glad he was not in Rumils shoes. Shall I take your post then, Haldir?
Haldir sighed and nodded. Yes, you had better.
And with that, the three elves walked off in the direction of the city.
They had not gone far however when they spotted a figure ambling towards them, flanked by two elleths, one on each arm. The figure was clearly a long way past sober, but was not wholly drunk.
Jack? said Haldir questioningly.
Jack looked up and blinked several times before his vision stopped swimming around him. When he finally registered who it was that had spoken, his face broke out into a grin and he hobbled all the more faster forward.
Haldir! My dear friend and comrade he beamed. Meet Mydia and Daewen. Jack gestured at the two elleths in turn, each consequently giggling and waving shyly at the newcomers.
Forgive me, er
.. Glorfindel stopped short.
Jack replied Jack. Or Captain Jack, if you please.
Right said Glorfindel raising a brow at the pirate in curiosity and irritation. Captain, the elleth you have on your right arm does indeed appear to be the very same I met here last, isnt that right, Mydia?
The one called Mydia looked confused for a second as all heads turned to her in surprise. Then finally, what Glorfindel was saying registered with her and clicked into place. Glorfy! she cried, leaving Jack and flinging her arms around the Balrog slayers neck.
Jack looked on aghast as Mydia welcomed her former lover and exchanged confused glances with the rest of the onlookers, who apparently, had never caught wind of this relationship either.
Still grinning stupidly over his handsome face, Glorfindel finally prised Mydia from his person and whispered into her ear, a whisper so quiet that no-one save himself and Mydia could hear it.
Meet me in half an hour by the fountain in the rose garden he said.
With a giggle, Mydia sprang off like a gazelle over grass and disappeared back through the city. Erestor meanwhile, looked upon Glorfindel in a new light.
Dear, Fin he said, sounding quite in awe. It far surpassed my wildest suspicions that you were able to keep a secret for such an admirable amount of time, and yet, you have proved me wrong.
Glorfindel chuckled. Yes, well, there are certain things that even I would like to remain private and believe me, they are still exactly that after longer than a decade.
It was indeed at this precise moment in time, that Erestor made it his personal mission to squeeze any deep and dark secrets out of the recesses of Glorfindels mind. Therefore, this was a turning point in history, as the advisor had very rarely bothered to find out any secrets which his friend kept hidden away, nor indeed to even listen attentively when Glorfindel had decided to disclose any.
Haldir coughed abruptly to break the awkward silence that had suddenly descended upon the party. Turning to Jack he began to speak.
Well, Jac-
But Jack and Daewen had long ago disappeared.
Haldir shook his head in mock despair and turned his attention back to his companions. Lets make a move, shall we?
~*~
More than overjoyed at being able to skive border duty un-detected, Rumil pinned the very last of the notices he had been carrying to the tree beside him, where the parchment in question sat fluttering slightly in the breeze.
There the elf said, thoroughly content with his work. If that doesnt draw a crowd, I do not know what will.
The notices in question all said exactly the same thing and were written in exactly the same flowing script.
Party tonight in the west clearing. All invited. Bring your friends and, if you, wish, a plate of nibbles.
Dusting himself off, Rumil made his way back to his talan to sit and await the raging thundercloud that would surely soon descend upon him in the form of his elder brother.
Chapter 5 - Chapter 5
Title: Swashbuckling in Lorien
Author: Forest
Pairing: None
Rating: PG13 (to be safe)
Genre: Humour
WARNING: Insanity
Beta: None
Disclaimer: I own nadda!
Feedback: Yes please! We aspiring authors thrive on the stuff.
Summary: Jack Sparrow and Will Turner are somehow transported to Lorien but how will the elves take to them? How will the ladies of HL take to them? Will Jack drink all of Lorien dry?
Spoilers: None
~*~
Chapter 5
Earlier that day, Rumil had come to Forests talan to enlist her help. However, she had still not quite forgiven him for giving the illegal rum to Beleril and it took much pleading and apologising on his part to get her to even say she would consider it. Rumil took
this offer gladly, and hastily departed the talan, leaving Forest thinking hard about the task in hand.
Rumil had asked her to do two things. One, she was sure she could cope with, and the other, well, she wasnt so sure. Rumil had just told her the plans for the nights events, and had begged her to keep it quiet. This, Forest was sure she could do. However, he had also
asked her to scout around and see if she could find anyone else that would join him and his brother for their segment of entertainment.
He had given her a list with all the elves and elleths who had refused, and unfortunately, he had already asked the people Forest had even remotely considered for the job. One thing was certain however. If she couldnt find anyone, they would have to lump it,
for she was not putting herself in for what they had planned.
~*~
I dont know! Forest thought to herself, I could have done so much more with my morning, but instead Im helping those two disaster areas out!
Forest had asked all the elves and elleths she could think of, all that was, save one.
Eventually, she stood outside the door of his talan, her heart hammering in her chest. She knew what she was about to ask him would result in her looking like an idiot, and if he refused.....she didnt want to even think about how mortified shed be then. Forest knocked
lightly on the door and paced around outside, practising what she was going to say.
Good morning she murmured to herself. I was wondering if- no that wont work. Good day, I am sorry to bother you, but I need to ask you no!
She was fast reaching the end of her tether with trying to concoct something that would make her embarrassment less and make the request seem ever so slightly more normal. Then, it hit her. She couldnt believe she hadnt thought of it before. She pulled out a pencil and
a scrap of parchment from her pocket and scribbled something on it. Grinning, she shoved the paper back in her pocket and waited for the door to open.
Hey Forest!
The shout ripped through the silence of the morning making Forest nearly jump twice her height in the air. She whipped around and frantically tried to see where the voice had come from. Finally, she gazed downwards and saw Zu standing there, waving madly up at her.
Hi Zu! she replied with relief, waving back. Then, as luck would have it, a second idea struck her. Erm....Zu?
Yes?
The door behind Forest suddenly opened and Forest had to make her what-would-have-been-a-long-and-detailed-request, much shorter.
Stay there!
What? Zu looked more than confused.
Please, just stay there. Ill only be a minute. With that, Forest disappeared inside the talan, leaving Zu standing completely dumbfounded on the ground outside.
~*~
Good afternoon, Glorfindel said Forest good naturedly, once inside the talan. How are you faring this morning?
Glorfindel raised a brow in amusement. Fine, thank you. And you?
Oh, fine, fine. Just peachy! Forest lied.
Good said Glorfindel, still a little suspicious. Tea?
Um....no thanks, Fin. This is only a flying visit. With that, she pulled the crumpled up piece of parchment from her pocket and gave it to the Balrog slayer. I was asked to give you this.
Glorfindel read the parchment thoughtfully. Who gave it you? he
asked.
Rumil she said, truthfully this time.
So, Rumil wants me to help provide the entertainment for the party tonight?
Forest nodded. Yes. He said if you agree, to come to his talan at midday today.
Ill think about it replied Glorfindel with a smile.
Ah! Thank you! Forest heaved a sigh of relief and before Glorfindel could change his mind, she hastily departed the talan, leaving him to his thoughts. Remarkably, when she got outside again, Zu was still there.
Youre still here! Forest gaped in amazement.
Yeah, duh. You asked me to stay...remember?
Forest chuckled and quickly made her way down the stairs to greet her
friend.
~*~
You want me to do what? said Zu in disbelief after Forest had explained the initial plan to her.
I dont want you to do anything. Im just the poor messenger here! replied Forest defensively. Its Rumil and Orophin that want you to help....well, actually, they want anyone that will agree to it, to help she corrected herself.
Zu raised a brow.
Alright said Forest with a laugh and threw up her hands. I admit defeat. Just remember, if you want in, come to Rumils talan at midday today.
Zu nodded and with a grin, left Forest standing shaking her head in mock despair at Zus retreating back.
Forest herself went on a search to find Rumil and to tell him the partial good news....
~*~
Glorfindel? asked Rumil, between sniggers. You actually managed to get him to agree?
Eventually, Forest had found Rumil as per usual in the gardens, writing out yet another one of his all too well-known bawdy songs which he would read to his two brothers of an evening for their opinions and suggestions for possible improvements.
Rumil called it being creative, artistic and useful for expanding upon one's literary skills.
Haldir called it bloody annoying.
At this precise moment in time, Forest had brought Rumil back to her talan to discuss the events of the morning. Naturally, Rumil had occupied the comfy armchair, and Forest, the wicker chair as it was the only one left.
Well, not exactly agree she replied admittedly. But he didnt refuse either.
Ah, well. At least thats something said Rumil, taking another sip of his cocoa. So, we have Zu also?
Shes another maybe replied Forest.
What is it with the world these days, I honestly do not know! sighed Rumil. No one seems capable of a straight answer. He took yet another sip of his drink and peered over the rim. Suddenly, his eyes seemed to almost sparkle, and he looked upon Forest as though
suddenly seeing her in a new light.
Hang on he said, lowering his mug.
Oh nononononono! said Forest sternly.
Oh yes! grinned Rumil, happily, clapping his hands together. Why in Elbereths name did I not see it before?
Because you knew I would knock your block off if you so much as mentioned the idea! replied Forest savagely.
Rumil chuckled. Go on! What harm can it do?
I have my dignity to consider for one thing said Forest.
Dignity? Pffffftt! grinned Rumil. True, you have a bit of dignity left, but this is just a bit of fun! As I said, no harm can come of it.
Forest considered this for several minutes before replying. Alright she said, the resignation evident in her voice. But only if we can find no one else by noon.
~*~
Noon, however, came quicker than either Rumil or Forest had thought. It was already half an hour before Forests pre-set deadline for herself and they had not found anyone else...yet.
Forest walked the gardens, thinking to herself. If she did what Rumil asked, it wouldnt be that bad, would it? After all, she had performed 'Lady Marmalade' at the Faire, but still, she hoped that someone would come round the corner to grant her the wish of him or her taking her potential place.
Immersed in her own thoughts, Forest dawdled past high bushes of roses and sweet smelling flora until-
OUCH!
Forest found herself face to chest with none other than the son of Elrond Elladan.
What are you doing here? she asked, astounded.
Oh, a fine welcome, Im sure he grinned. Adas on vacation, and he decided it would do us some good to visit grandmother.
Why?
Elladan shrugged. Dont ask me. I just came down here to get away from things. You know, hes already trying to get me married off to some eligible Lorien elleth bachelor-ette?
Forest smirked. I can see your reasoning.
Too true sighed Elladan. May I walk with you?
If you wish replied Forest, only I have to be at Rumils talan for noon.
Elladan stopped dead in his tracks, one foot half way off the ground in mid-stride and raised an amused brow at her. Oh really?
No, not for anything like that! she said hurriedly. Hes planning the entertainment for this evening.
Only after shed said those words, did Forest realise she had dug herself into an even deeper hole.
And what entertainment might that be? said Elladan, waggling his eyebrows suggestively at her.
Shut up! she smirked, whacking him playfully on the arm. If you must know, there is to be a party this evening in the west clearing and Rumil has been using me as messenger to ask people if they will participate in the entertainment.
Ill do it said Elladan calmly.
What? Forest was sure she had heard incorrectly.
Ill be happy to help out, as long as it doesnt involve baking. Im terrible at that.
Oh no, its singing and dancing Forest assured him, feeling utterly elated.
Thats fine then said Elladan, linking his arm through Forests. Now, I believe it is almost noon and - I know! said Elladan, clicking his fingers on a sudden flash of inspiration. I think Elrohir may be up for this too, if you need another elf, that is.
The more the merrier! laughed Forest, hardly daring to believe it.
Fine. Ill meet you at Rumils talan at noon with my brother, hopefully smiled Elladan. Okay?
Okay! grinned Forest.
With that, the son of Elrond, disappeared back through the gardens and out of sight. Forest, meanwhile, all but skipped back up the steps to Rumils talan, feeling thoroughly happy and almost let off the hook if the others turned up.
Behind a bush nearby where Forest had been talking with Elladan, hid Dorothy and Zhie. They too had been walking through the gardens when they had accidentally overheard Forests conversation.
What do you think? asked Dorothy with a grin.
Well, it sounds interesting to say the least Zhie grinned back.
Interesting? My dear Zhie, you have a chance here, of probably dancing with the twin sons of Elrond! I cannot even begin to comprehend why you would pass such an opportunity up!
True! said Zhie, grabbing Dorothy by the arm. Lets go!
What? I didnt say Id do it too!
Oh, go on Dorothy. As you said, an opportunity of dancing with the twins. How CAN you pass that up?
Mean! smirked Dorothy, but still resigned to following the overly happy Zhie to Rumils talan.
~*~
Note from Author:
Sorry this took so long to get up. What with RL and stuff, I've been so busy as of late. *sighs* Thankfully, I caught a break and time to get this finally uploaded.
So much for the preliminaries, and now on to the main event! ;)
~Forest
PS: Anyone recognise the quote?
Chapter 6 - Chapter 6
Title: Swashbuckling in Lorien
Author: Forest
Pairing: None
Rating: PG13 (to be safe)
Genre: Humour
WARNING: Insanity
Beta: None
Disclaimer: I own nadda!
Feedback: Yes please! We aspiring authors thrive on the stuff.
Summary: Jack Sparrow and Will Turner are somehow transported to
Lorien but how will the elves take to them? How will the ladies of
HL take to them? Will Jack drink all of Lorien dry?
Spoilers: None
~*~
~Chapter 6~
After her brief but fruitful conversation with Elladan, Forest dashed off in the direction of Rumils talan, scattering leaves as she went. Minutes later, she skidded to an abrupt halt outside Rumils door and dealt a swift glance to the sundial a few metres away. By its reckoning, it was just ten minutes before noon. Forest breathed an enormous sigh of relief and entered the talan.
There was no one there.
Rumil? she called out. Rumil, are you here?
Her voice echoed dismally in the silence of the main room, the only audible noise being the light twittering of birds outside the open window. The open window? Then Rumil could not be far. He never left his window open for long periods of time. Feeling more assured, Forest settled herself on one of the chairs and poured herself a goblet of cool water, awaiting the return of Rumil.
Five minutes passed. Ten minutes. Fifteen. Forest sniffed irritably. Where is Arda was that excuse for an elf? No sooner had those thoughts crossed her mind, the door opened again and in stepped Rumil followed by a very flustered looking Zu.
Forest needed no words. She just raised a brow and Rumil suddenly looked apologetic.
Sorry Im late he began. But I have a good explanation.
Go on then said Forest. Lets hear it.
I managed to convince Zu here to join us in our entertainment for the party tonight.
Fair enough replied Forest, smiling. She patted the chair next to her and Zu looking happier, joined her.
So, is this all there is? asked Rumil.
Apparently said Zu. I know I havent seen anyone else around here today, at least no one we know.
Well thats marvellous sighed Rumil, sinking onto a pouffe. Absolutely spiffing!
Now, now old boy smirked Forest. No need to get all steamed up!
Rumil just glared at her.
What? Forest said in outrage. You cant blame me for any of this. I was the one who spent the morning recruiting those who were willing!
I suppose so he sighed again. Its just I thought we would have more people than this.
Well you cant expect everyone to want to dress up in womens clothes! chuckled Zu.
They are not womens clothes. They are tasteful costumes! retorted Rumil, and went back to fuming.
However, their luck was about to turn, although none of them knew it yet.
Elladan promised he would come said Forest, patting Rumils arm sympathetically. And he is not one to go back on his word!
You are quite correct there!
Forest, Zu and Rumil looked up sharply to see Elladan standing framed in the doorway, accompanied by a rather disgruntled looking Elrohir.
Took me ages to prise him away from his bedpost explained Elladan walking over to them and sitting down. He agreed initially, but tried to sneak off at the last minute
Oh, El, you know Ada will do his nut if he finds out what were doing! moaned Elrohir, seating himself down next to Rumil.
You let me handle Ada said Elladan pointedly. Besides, hes always complaining that all we do is mooch about Rivendell doing nothing inparticular, and in our talans when were here. Hes always telling us we should get out more, and here we are, getting out more!
Just dont blame me when he starts running through Lorien like an enraged Balrog and getting ready to lynch you replied Elrohir.
I wont blame you. Now, is there anyone else coming to this little rendez-vous? asked Elladan, turning to the others.
Eventually, others did arrive. Dorothy and Zhie skidded in - quite literally just as Rumil was handing round a plate of brownies. This finalised their decision to stay and each helped themselves to a brownie.
I didnt know you two could dance said Dorothy to Elladan.
Elladan swallowed his mouthful of brownie and replied. We cant. Not incredibly well at any rate.
But then again, this isnt real dancing, as such interjected Elrohir. At least, its not too complicated, so Elladan will be able to understand it, hopefully!
This cheeky comment earned Elrohir a glare from his brother which plainly said when we get out of here, you had better run!
Soon, the brownies were all eaten and Rumil stood up, ready to begin his short talk. The interruptions, however, persisted, as right at that moment, the door opened again and in came Orophin and Beverly.
Sorry were late Orophin panted as though he had been running across Lorien, which interestingly, he had been.
Rumil, who was rapidly turning pale pink with fury, marched over to his brother and yanked him down on a chair. And just where have you been? he scowled.
Keep your hair on, Ru grinned Orophin. Look! I brought another recruit! He gestured to Bev who waved shyly at Rumil, blushing slightly.
Ah. Good. So thatll make
..one
.two
three Rumil began to count those around him.
Nine, brother said Orophin helpfully, still grinning his face off.
Yes, nine. Thank you Orophin said Rumil with a fixed smile. Then in an undertone he added, no one likes a smart-arse!
Can we please get the ball rolling here? piped up Zhie.
Rumil seemed to finally come to himself. Oh right. Yes, sorry!
After the rather hurried meeting, the occupants of Rumils talan left hurriedly to practise what they had been assigned. They had been assured that there would be assistance there that evening, but a little quick practise never went amiss.
Rumil himself stayed put in his talan, drinking a cup of very strong lemon tea with a drop of menthol liquor to steady his nerves. What if it didnt work out? What if something went drastically wrong? Rumil wasnt well known for being on edge and stressed, but there were times when he made exceptions, and this was one of them.
He supposed he really ought to go and retrieve the rum from Beleril, but right now, he couldnt be bothered. He would do it later as soon as he had finished his tea. Besides, it wasnt as though Bel would be caught red-handed.
How very wrong poor Rumil was.
~*~
What is this? asked Celeborn, inspecting a bottle of the illegal rum that Rumil, Jack and Julie had nicked from the kitchens.
Oh, thats nothing said Beleril, quite convincingly.
Nothing? Celeborn raised a brow.
Im looking after it for a friend
A friend? Celeborn repeated. Who?
Rumil peered round the door in horror as he saw the Lord of Lorien interrogating Beleril. The beginnings of perspiration were appearing on Rumils forehead as he estimated how long it would take for Beleril to crack and blow their cover.
With that, Rumil marched into the room, trying his very best to look utterly composed.
Good afternoon, my Lord Rumil said, bowing. What can we do for you?
Well, Rumil began Lord Celeborn. I was wondering why Beleril here has fourteen bottles of something stored away in his talan.
And why shouldnt he? asked Rumil politely.
Well, it is a bit strange that they all smell like rum.
Rumils stomach did a somersault and he forced his mind to think into overtime. Oh those bottles he chuckled uneasily.
So you do know something about this, then?
Oh yes replied Rumil. Theyre mine!
Yours? Celeborn looked very surprised. And what exactly are you doing with fourteen bottles of rum in your possession?
Oh it isnt rum explained Rumil, thinking fast on his feet. Its
..erm
.water!
In his mind, he knew the Lord of Lorien was going to see right through the lie and Beleril and Rumil waited with baited breath to see what would happen next.
Water repeated Celeborn slowly, that smells like rum?
Water in old rum bottles, my lord corrected Rumil.
Prove it
Im sorry, my lord?
Prove that it is indeed water in those bottles, Rumil and I shall say no more about it.
How, my lord?
I know suggested Celeborn. Drink at least half, and I shall believe you!
Rumil looked uneasily at Beleril who bit his lip. Then, taking the bottle from Celeborn, Rumil uncorked it, took a deep breath and pressed the bottle to his lips. Closing his eyes tight so they would not water, Rumil began to gulp down the powerful rum as fast as he could, in an attempt to lessen the burning he was beginning to feel at the back of his throat.
Finally, he released the bottle and showed it to Celeborn who held it up to the light.
Yes, that is about half he said. Very well, Rumil. I believe you.
Rumil managed a weak smile and nodded.
Thank you my lord piped up Beleril.
Now, I have work to be getting back to said Celeborn, so I shall take my leave
The pair watched as Celeborn departed and as soon as he was out of complete sight, Beleril turned back to Rumil. Hes gone.
Rumil mentally praised Eru and made a lightning bee-line for Belerils bathroom, dove for the toilet and instantly threw up violently.
Outside, Celeborn smirked to himself. He knew of course, that it had really been rum in those bottles, and the forbidden rum at that. And so he had decided on the most deserving punishment for Rumil, and now, he felt sure Rumil would never try a stunt like that again. As far as retrieving the rum went, Celeborn frankly couldnt be bothered. He had an inkling that the rest of the rum would be at tonights west clearing celebration, and he had always fancied a taste of it now it had mellowed!
~*~
Oh the poor thing!
Forest, Zu, Elladan, Elrohir, Orophin and Zhie hurried over to where Beleril was supporting Rumil as they walked towards the west clearing to set up for the party.
What happened to you? asked Zhie.
Rumil mumbled something that sounded strangle like Pretty flowers and bumblebees wheee!
Hes drunk explained Beleril.
What? Zu gaped in disbelief. How did that happen?
Celeborn discovered the rum Rumil had asked me to hide, and Rumil tried to pretend it was water. I think Celeborn may have seen through it though, as he asked Rumil to prove it.
Prove it? said Forest. Thats an odd thing for Celeborn to say.
I know said Beleril. Thats why I reckon he saw through Rumils act. Anyway, Rumil was forced to drink half of a bottle and here is the result talking gibberish in front of us!
Well, what are we going to do? asked Dorothy, who had run up with Beverly and caught the tail end of the conversation.
I have a rather interesting idea piped up Elladan.
~*~
Rumil eventually sobered up just as elves, elleths and ladies began arriving for the party. However, he was not sober enough to dance and so they had decided to swap him with Erestor who had originally been employed to man the autocue.
Rumil sat on a chair towards the back of the clearing, a pile of cards by his side.
Now, are you sure youre up to this? asked Orophin, quite concerned for his brother.
Yes, Oro. Im fine. Though I swear Ill never drink again!
Alright, just make sure you dont get the autocue mixed up or we all
.to put it bluntly
.dead!
Rumil nodded and resumed checking the cards order. Meanwhile, Orophin nipped backstage past Jack who was guarding the entrance, to see how everyone was getting along.
I cannot believe I agreed to this! groaned Erestor, pulling up a pair of knee high purple socks.
Trust me, Erestor. The original costumes were a *lot* worse! grinned Forest.
Orophin sniggered and looked around at everyones attire. He especially noticed Zhie, who was dressed in a knee high black dress with luminous pink socks, a feather boa and a top hat encrusted with sequins. Much of the clothing was similar in taste, and all seemed to consist of sparkling items, feathers, fluff, silk, lots of make-up and wigs as well as tough leather or plastic boots.
Okay hissed Orophin around half an hour later. Time to get this show underway!
Silence fell on the crowd who were seated outside and as Forest peered around the side of the stage, she noticed with a grin, that Julie had situated herself conveniently next to Haldir.
Without a word, the nine ambled up on stage and Orophin chanced a glance at Rumil. His brother looked sober enough and alert, holding the first card up and steady.
As soon as Orophin gave the signal, Jack bent down and started the music. A steady beat rumbled through the clearing and Orophin turned slowly round on the spot, and waited for his cue. It came quicker than he had expected, but never one to be flustered, Orophin started singing.
It's astounding;
Time is fleeting;
Madness takes its toll.
But listen closely...
Zhie then turned round and walked up to Orophin, draped her arm across his shoulders and smiled seductively at the crowd below and sung the next line. Not for very much longer.
Orophin grinned too and continued, swaying his hips slightly as the music finally started going full blast, the beat steady underneath.
I've got to keep control.
I remember doing the time-warp
Drinking those moments when
The Blackness would hit me
And the void would be calling..
On their cue, the rest of the ensemble whipped around and joined in, each one, inclusing Erestor, looking like they were enioying themselves.
Let's do the time-warp again.
Let's do the time-warp again.
Erestor, swallowed hard as his solo part was coming up next. The others flashed him encouraging glances and this seemed to spur him on to new levels of determination. He could do this and he would do this!
It's just a jump to the left he sang smoothly,
As soon as he said that, the other followed his command and moved to the left, Zhie swinging her pink feather boa around, clearly throroughly enjoying herself.
And then a step to the right they all sang out loud.
By this time, many in the audience had started clapping along to the beat of the music, and by the side of the stage, even Jack himself was doing his own little jig, much to the amusement of those nearby.
With your hands on your hips called out Erestor with a smirk as the dancers obeyed and also began to sing the chorus part.
You bring your knees in tight.
But it's the pelvic thrust
That really drives you insane.
Let's do the time-warp again.
Let's do the time-warp again.
The audience were now clearly enjoying the spectacle and threw themselves into the fray, cheering and whistling as well as clapping. Coming up next was Zhies solo and gathering up all her confidence, she started walking seductively across the stage, her sparkly top hat set jauntily upon her head, glittering in the light.
It's so dreamy, oh fantasy free me.
So you can't see me, no, not at all.
In another dimension, with voyeuristic intention,
Well secluded, I see all.
Orophin, on his cue, walked up to her and ran his hand up her arm as he sang.
With a bit of a mind flip
You're into the time slip sang Zhie.
And nothing can ever be the same he smiled down at her winningly.
You're spaced out on sensation
Like you're under sedation!
Orophin pulled Zhie to him and smirked down at her cheekily as the remaining dancers continued happily with the chorus.
Let's do the time-warp again.
Let's do the time-warp again.
Then, grinning like a deranged maniac, Dorothy walked forward with the twins to the front of the stage whilst the others kept dancing behind her. The heels of her boots clicked on the stage as she walked and the twins exchanged grins as they linked their arms in hers as she began her solo.
Well I was walking down the street just a-having a think
When a snake of a guy gave me an evil wink.
He shook-a me up, he took me by surprise.
He had a pickup truck, and the devil's eyes.
He stared at me and I felt a change.
Time meant nothing, never would again.
Dorothy just managed to stop herself from blushing as the twins kissed a side of her face in sync and walked back to rejoin the line. Whilst they were doing this, those still in line belted out the next words.
Let's do the time-warp again.
Let's do the time-warp again.
By this time, Erestors confidence in himself had sky-rocketed with the speed of a Balrog wearing a jet-pack and encouraged ever more by the clapping and cheering of the crowd, he gave his next lines all he had as he and the other dancers alternated lines as they headed for their big finish.
It's just a jump to the left he beamed.
And then a step to the right the others chanted.
With your hands on your hips
You bring your knees in tight.
But it's the pelvic thrust
That really drives you insane.
Let's do the time-warp again.
Let's do the time-warp again!!
As soon as they had finished singing, the crowd erupted into thunderous applause. Wolf whistles and cheering rang all over the place and on Julies row, someone had even started a Mexican wave which included Crystalline, Vi, Fianna and even Haldir joined in happily, although he did do it half heartedly as he kept one arm wrapped securely around Julies waist.
After those upon stage had bowed their last, they retreated off stage, a spring in their steps. Dorothy was still cemented between the twins, but not for long.
Excellent! called Jack, running over and winking at Dorothy. That was almost like being back in Tortuga again!
Where? said Erestor with a bemused grin.
Ill explain it to you later whispered Forest with a smirk.
However, when they all turned back to talk to Jack again, he was nowhere to be seen. And neither, Forest noticed, was Dorothy
..
Chuckling and talking amongst themselves, they trooped off back behind stage to get changed and then to join the party
~*~
As the night wore on, Forest settled herself beside Beleril with a plate of chicken salad and watched all the goings on. At that moment in time, the stage had been taken over by Loriens finest musicians and to Forests amusement, she realised for the first time in her life, that elves actually knew how to dance the Macarena! She also noticed that the rum was going down with everyone a treat!
Suddenly, just as the Macarena ended, Elladan came tearing through the trees nearby, a panic stricken look upon his face.
GRIMA! he yelled.
Forest almost choked upon the mouthful of chicken she was eating at that point and all around her, people were shrieking and elves were nocking their bows. Their state of fear abruptly turned to confusion then annoyance as Elladan broke down into laughter.
Made you look!
Elrond, who had been seated nearby, marched up to his son and grabbed him by the arm. Come on you. I think we need to have a few words!
The feeling of panic subsided just as quickly as it had came and soon, the party was back into full swing.
As the night was drawing to a close, the band upon stage ended with a slow piece and Forest, upon Belerils invitation, agreed to a dance. All around them, Forest saw faces she recognised, including Haldir and Julie who were paired up and dancing together nearby and Orophin and Christen too.
This she said as the bands music melted into her mind. Has truly been a wonderful evening!
Chapter 7 - Chapter 7
Title: Swashbuckling in Lorien
Author: Forest
Pairing: None
Rating: PG13 (to be safe)
Genre: Humour
WARNING: Insanity
Beta: None
Disclaimer: I own nadda!
Feedback: Yes please! We âaspiringâ authors thrive on the stuff.
Summary: Jack Sparrow and Will Turner are somehow transported to Lorien but how will the elves take to them? How will the ladies of HL take to them? Will Jack drink all of Lorien dry?
Spoilers: None
Notes: Many, many thanks to Zhie for the âAdventureâ idea. *huge hugs* She cured me from a severe case of writerâs block and therefore should be praised in every way humanely possible!
~*Chapter 7*~
Haldir stared up at the ceiling above his bed and blinked blearily. He had been sure he had voices, at least something had woken him. With a groan, he tumbled out of bed with such grace only an elf could achieve, walked over to the window whilst yawning and opened the shutters.
âAhâ.
Haldir suddenly realised what it was that had awoken him and he was not, as he had first suspected, going mad. As soon as the Galadhrim captain had opened the shutters, the sound which had been muffled out, suddenly sprang back to life. Unfortunately for Haldir the sound was neither the joyful singing of birds, nor was it the babbling of the brook in the distance. It was the most unwelcome early morning screeching of his two brothers from outside their talans below and it went something like this:
âI like to move it, move it. I like to move it, move it. I like to move it, move it. Ya like toâŚMOVE IT!â
Haldir sighed deeply and rubbed his aching temples. This was certainly not what he needed at the crack of dawn. What he found he did need however was a good strong cup of lemon tea to bring him fully into consciousness with the world. He braved a glance out of the window again and to his frustration he found that his brothers were now doing a little jig to their singing as they cleaned and polished their bows. Haldir soon resigned to the fact that as long as his brothers got round to getting their weapons cleaned, their method of doing so really didnât matter that much to him. What did matter however, was that his desire for a strong lemon brew was increasing dramatically. And so, after washing and dressing absurdly quickly, the elven captain went in search of that which he most needed.
When Haldir arrived at the dining hall, he found that curiously he was not the first there. Seated at a table not more than ten feet or so from the door were Glorfindel, Erestor, Crystalline and Forest.
âHaldir?â said Erestor questioningly as Haldir approached. âAre you feeling quite well?â
âPerfectly, thank you, Erestorâ mumbled Haldir, deeply wishing that his vision would stop making him see flashing dots in front of his eyes.
âI think someone enjoyed themselves a little too much last nightâ smirked Glorfindel.
âOh, s-shut upâ replied Haldir, flopping down onto spare chair and failing to mask a yawn.
âHung-over and cranky!â chuckled Forest, looking up from her half a grapefruit.
âYouâd be cranky if you were woken by the dawn chorus several hours earlier than you would have likedâ snapped Haldir.
âAlright, alrightâ said Forest, looking both amused and defensive, âno need to bite my head off!â
Haldir managed to look apologetic. âSorryâ he murmured, âbut have any of you heard them? Itâs enough to drive someone completely barmy!â
âWho?â asked Glorfindel.
âMy brothersâ replied Haldir. âTheyâve taken to dancing and singing in the most infuriating manner right outside their talans! Has anyone witnessed for themselves this horror?â
All those listening shook their heads then Crystalline suddenly spoke up. âAlthough, I did see Elrohir doing a little dance up on his flet early this morningâ
Haldir threw up his arms. âThe worldâs gone mad!â he cried. âSoon we shall be the only surviving sane beings in this land!â
âNow you come to mention itâ said Glorfindel thoughtfully, buttering his toast âI did chance a glimpse of Celeborn dancing the Macarena with Galadriel last night up upon their fletâ.
Erestor choked on his mouthful of coffee and had to be slapped on the back by an ever-so-slightly concerned Glorfindel.
âThank-you-Finâ spluttered Erestor, hastily removing Glorfindelâs hand from his person, âbut contrary to popular belief, doing that actually makes it worse!â
âOhâ grinned Glorfindel. âSorry!â
Erestor shook his raven head in mock despair and straightened up again. âEvidentlyâ he began seriously, âthe party in the west clearing last night, has made quite an impression on those in Lorienâ.
He said all of this with seemingly great pride and dignity, expelling an aura of supreme intelligence and knowledge as he spoke.
âWowwww!â said Glorfindel, speaking with an air of awe that fooled no one. âI have truly been enlightened. Thank you, dear friend Erestor. I honestly do not know what I would do without your ever knowing presence to rid us all of our blindness to the complete obvious!â
Erestor scowled and turned a most becoming shade of pale magenta. âDo you live to humiliate me?â he asked Glorfindel through gritted teeth. âAnd do stop grinning like that! Do you have any idea how insane you look?â
âNumero Unoâ replied Glorfindel, putting up a finger, âwhen one is immortal, one has to find occupations to pass the time of day. Humiliating you just happens to be one of my many worthwhile pastimes. Numero Duoâ he continued, putting up a second finger, âyes I realise I look insane. I have spent many years perfecting my ability to look insane to keep a pair of certain twins away from meâ.
âAhâ For the first time in many years, the chief advisor of Lord Elrond and three times champion of Rivendellâs âBest Kept Bookshelfâ competition was rendered utterly speechless .
~*~
âWell, who shall we take with us?â asked Erestor as they entered the dining hall.
âOh thatâs simple enoughâ replied Glorfindel, nodding in the direction of a certain lady seated at the table at the far end.
âZhie?â asked Erestor gaping at his friend. âWhy Zhie?â
âWhy not Zhie?â grinned Glorfindel.
âNo reasonâ said Erestor thoughtfully, âjust took me by surprise, tis all. I thought youâd pick an elleth or an elf to go withâ
âNah, all the elleths I know are a little preoccupied this momentâ
âWith what?â
âJack Sparrowâ replied Glorfindel with a grin. âNow, as much as I am enjoying this little debate, time is precious to us right now!â
âNothing like being subtleâ sighed Erestor and walked over to Zhie.
In all, it did not take Erestor long to convince Zhie to accompany them on their expedition, however she agreed on one conditionâŚshe could wear her favourite hat!
At the top of a hazy, smokey tree in Lorien, three figures sat hunched over a table in the back of the Lascivious Fairy, the most uncouth of all pubs in Lorien. Waiting until there was enough noise in the bar to cover their discussion, the blonde leaned closer to his two dark-haired companions and spoke in a low voice. "Did you bring the map?"
The dark-haired elf nodded and carefully took a folded sheet of parchment from his robes. "Fin, I really don't understand how you're so sure this came from Lothlorien," said the elf, unfolding it and placing it on the table.
"It was in a book Lord Elrond borrowed from Lord Celeborn" explained the third member at the table. "It has to be from Lothlorien."
"Or from any other of a dozen elven realms, here or lost. I think you're both just hungry for an adventure," said Erestor, picking up his glass of wine.
"So what if we are?" pouted Zhie. "One has to do something while waiting for Haldir to get laid."
"He already has" murmured Glorfindel.
"What?" asked Zhie, not quite hearing him.
"I said Haldir has already got laid" replied Glorfindel more audibly, swilling the wine round in his glass.
"Oh" said Zhie, looking a little surprised. "Well, let me re-phrase that. One has to do something while waiting for Glorfindel to get laid".
"Excuse me?" said Glorfindel in outrage. "I have no problems in....*that* department, thank you very much!"
Erestor snorted into his glass. "Yeah, right!"
Glorfindel reddened considerably and coughed smartly. âWeâre digressing here. Now, can we please get back to the subject in hand?â
As the trio were discussing the prospects of what secrets the map would yield to them, two figures strode into the bar â a man and a voluptuous woman. At the sight of the woman, Erestorâs mouth curled upwards into a grin and looked up with interest, but Glorfindel soon regained his undivided attention by kicking him quite roughly in the shins.
After shooting an infuriated glare at the Balrog slayer, Erestor continued to regard the pair with a beady look in his eye and as he watched, they sat down at a table and Erestor gasped as the candlelight upon the table lit up the maleâs features.
âItâs Jack!â hissed Erestor suddenly to his companions.
âWhat?â
Glorfindel looked up in alarm. The last thing he needed was that darned pirate spoiling their precious plans. Erestor gestured to the table that Jack and, because of the candlelight, Erestor now realised, an elleth were seated at and Glorfindelâs mouth dropped upon in dismay.
Zhie, cottoning onto the problem, turned around and sighed. âHe hasnât noticed us. Keep your voices down and maybe weâll be able to slip out unnoticed.
She was wrong, however. Jack had seen them and was now only paying a miniscule amount of attention to the advances of the elleth next to him, and directing most of his hearing to their attempted smothered conversation.
âLook hereâ said Glorfindel suddenly, pointing to a corner of the map. âThereâs a tiny âXâ here. That must mean thereâs treasure buried somewhere!â
Erestor bent over. âSo it doesâ he grinned.
âWellâ said Zhie, downing the last mouthful of her drink, âwhat are we waiting for. Letâs get a move on!â
With that, her two companions finished their drinks and hastily departed the pub, leaving Jack looking more than a little thoughtful and pirate-ish. He whispered something into the ear of the elleth who immediately turned a rosy pink, giggled and all but ran out of the pub. Jack looked on mournfully at the half empty tankard still sitting on the table. It seemed like such a shame to waste a good pint, but still, where there was treasure involved, you had to make sacrifices.
Taking great care to avert his eyes from his alcoholic beverage, Jack made his way quickly from the pub and followed the trio. He didnât have to go far, for as soon as he came out the door, he saw them walking hurriedly back down the path. Jack, ducked out of sighed behind a clump of hedges and ran forward to catch up with them. Finally, peering round a tree, he saw them walking quickly towards his hiding place, all three looking quite hilarious as they kept chancing glances over their shoulders.
âIâm so glad he didnât hear what we were up toâ said Glorfindel, a hint of joy evident in his voice.
âI agreeâ replied Erestor. âMost likely, he would want to come with usâ he added with a laugh.
Jack saw the opportune moment and stepped out from behind the tree. âSo good of you to invite meâ he smirked. âShall we get this show on the road then?â
The trioâs mouths fell open in shock and Erestor, completely lost for words, contented himself by raising his hands in direction of the heavens. âManwe! Why do you hate me?â he cried in despair.
~*~
They eventually agreed to Jack accompanying them on their escapade and though the elves were felling quite less joyful in the pirateâs company, Zhie couldnât be happier. Carrying the map, she bounced along ahead, her sequined covered hat glimmering in the sunlight.
From somewhere up ahead, there came the sound of gently flowing water, and as they approached Erestorâs mood took a defiant upturn. âNimrodelâ he smiled, and then turning a head towards Jack, he came up with a plan. âCaptain Sparrowâ the advisor began, a glint of plotting in his eye, âyou wished to come with us, so you figure out a way for us to cross this obstacle.â
Jack stood still, thinking for a moment and then turning on his heel, he ran back through the woods. âWait there!â he yelled back at them.
Erestor chuckled to himself. âHeâs given up already. Now how can we cross this?â
After several minutes of careful thinking, the trio still had not come up with a suitable plan to get from one side of the river, to the other until there came the sound of gleeful shouting from somewhere upstream. Looking up, Glorfindel paled greatly as he refused to believe what his eyes were seeing.
Sailing downstream towards them, a pirate at the helm was none other than Galadriel and Celebornâs swan boat. Chancing a glance at his two fellows, Glorfindel swallowed hard in fear as he saw they too were looking directly at the oncoming boat with shock painted clearly over their faces.
âAhoy there!â called Jack, bringing the boat into mooring at the banks. âIâve found us a solution!â
Glorfindel jumped to his feet and pointed an elegant finger accusingly at Erestor. âI blame you for this!â he cried. âIf you hadnât suggested so stupidly that the pirate fool go and find a way of crossing, this would never have happened!â
Erestor, red in the face with fury, got to his feet also. âWell, I didnât see you trying to stop himâ he retorted loudly, âinfact, if I recall, you were LAUGHING!â
Glorfindel clenched his fists into tight balls to prevent himself from unleashing his entire Balrog-slayer style wrath upon the seething advisor. âI hope no-one finds out about this!â He paled even more so as he considered the possible outcomes and sank to his knees in despair. âOh, Elbereth! Celeborn will come to me and blame me for this. Heâll say âyouâre banishedâ and Iâll say âfine!â Then heâll say âNo! Banishmentâs not good enough! Weâll throw you into elven criminal death row!â where then Iâll be tortured to the brink of my sanity by kinslayersâŚ.my friends will disown meâŚ.my hairâll fall outâŚmy reputation will be ruinedâŚ.Iâll become a shadow and fade awayâŚfadeâŚfadingâŚfadingâŚ..â
With that, the elf lord collapsed into a blubbering heap upon the mossy ground, a complete wreck at the sight of Jack on board the swan boat. Jack, however, seemed to be completely indifferent to Glorfindelâs distress. He simply raised an amused brow, stepped lightly off the boat, tied it to a tree stump and walked over to join them.
âPretty ship, ainât she?â he said, grinning from ear to ear.
Erestor gaped. âYou *stole* Galadrielâs precious boat?â
âCommandeered, mate. Commandeered. Nautical termâ said Jack pointedly. âNo reason to fret. Iâm gonna give it back!â
Erestor seemed to think that there was sufficient reason to fret and was about to say so, when suddenly there came the sound of angry elven voices.
âAhâ said Jack. âTime to go!â
So saying, the impetuous pirate leapt back on board the boat, swiftly followed by Zhie and Erestor, the latter who was carrying with some difficulty, Glorfindel, who had infact, now fainted.
Taking a hold of the wheel, Jack set about steering the ship across the river as fast as he could. As soon as they reached the other side, the group hopped off and made a run for it, since the enraged voices were getting closer. In his haste, Jack completely forgot to tie the boat down, and so it began to go with the current, floating placidly downstream.
âOver here!â called an elf, skidding to a halt by the Nimrodel.
Moments later, several other elves, clearly of the Galadhrim, joined him and stood, completely stunned at the sight of Galadrielâs boat floating away.
âWhat are you waiting for?â yelled the first elf. âBring it back!â
With that, the elves leapt without any hesitation into the waters of the Nimrodel and swam with all their might towards the escaping boat.
~*~
The group of co-conspirators sank, panting and completely out of breath by a large oak. Glorfindel had been brought abruptly back to life by Erestor deliberately dumping him upon the ground after deciding her couldnât run and carry a fully grown elf at the same time.
âIâll tell you somethingâ sighed Zhie after she had got her breath back. âThis treasure had *really* better be worth all this!â
Those around her nodded their agreement, but then, Glorfindel who was inspecting the map, gasped in amazement. âWeâre there!â
âWhere?â asked Erestor, only half listening.
âThe map says the treasure is hidden up a large oak tree a little way from the Nimrodelâ explained Glorfindel in glee, âand weâre here. A little way from the Nimrodel and by a large oak!â
Jack looked up. âBy, ostrich feather hats, youâre right!â
âYesâ mused Erestor, looking somewhat amused, âbut the problem still remains of how we get up thereâ
âAha!â replied Glorfindel with the air of one who has just had a stroke of genius. âI wasnât chief of the Professional Tree-Climbers Society as an elfling for nothing, you knowâ.
Erestor sniggered. âThe what?â
âThe PTCSâ replied Glorfindel proudly. âIâve still got my badge somewhere. Iâll show it you when we get back homeâ.
âIâll look forward to itâ said Erestor with very little enthusiasm, ânow will you please put your newly remembered skills to some use?â
Glorfindel nodded. âGladly. Give me a boost up, would you, Zhie?â
Zhie complied happily and soon, those on the ground watched in amusement as Glorfindel hung desperately to a fairly high branch, completely helpless, his legs dangling some way above the ground.
âOf course, I may be wrong here, but from down here, it looks like your tree climbing talents have become a little rusty, Finâ called up Erestor, failing to conceal his mirth.
âNonsense!â replied Glorfindel, still hanging to the branch. âIâm just analysing the immediate area to see which would be the better way up!â
âAh. Of course. Carry on!â smirked Erestor, still sniggering.
Most unfortunately for Lorienâs newfound arborist, his next attempt to struggle atop what he now viewed as an âout of the ordinary branchâ failed spectacularly, and he landed with a resounding âOW!â amidst the foliage below.
Erestor gazed down at Glorfindel and sighed. âDiddums has fainted again!â
Jack and Zhie rolled their eyes, scarily in sync and wandered over.
âI vote we use him as a ladder to reach the branchâ said Jack.
âNo!â cried Erestor âThatâs far too cruel. Besides, his clothes are fashioned by the finest tailoring. âTwould be an insult of the worst kind to tread and crumple such fine craftsmanshipâ.
âI seeâ said Zhie, âand for those english speakers amongst us?â
âNoâ replied Erestor with a grin.
They finally reached their destination by standing on each others shoulders and finally stood, agape at what was before them.
âA treehouse?â cried out Jack in utter disbelief.
âDonât knock itâ said Zhie. âItâs the treasure we came here for.â
Jack nodded in agreement and followed the pair inside. All three had to crouch, for the ceiling was pretty low and if they had stood upright, they may have taken the roof off. It was bare inside apart from two small stools and a wooden chest.
âGreat!â shouted Jack, hurrying towards the chest and preparing himself for the jewels and gold that would undoubtedly be concealed inside. However, upon closer inspection, they found the chest to be locked tight with no key or implement around to open it.
âBotherâ sighed Erestor, âall that work for an un-openable chestâ. So saying, he kicked it hard, only achieving a very sore toe in the process.
Zhie sat herself down upon one of the stools, thinking hard. Finally, her eyes lit up with the discovery of a plan. âI know! Weâll take it back to Lorien and open it there!â
âOr we could just throw it out the door and let it smash on the ground below. That should open it!â grinned Jack.
âDingbat. Do you really want to break anything that could be inside it?â pointed out Erestor.
Jack fell silent.
âAlright, Zhieâ said Erestor, standing up, well crouching up. âYou take one end, Iâll take the other and weâll ease it down the tree, bit by bit, alright?â
Zhie nodded.
âAnd what do I do?â interjected Jack.
âYou go first to provide us with a soft landing if we fall!â smirked Zhie.
~*~
It was a long trek back through the woods to Lorien. They had eventually got to the bottom of the tree, with much difficulty and complaining from Erestor about his toe. He only shut up when Zhie threatened that he would not be carrying the chest back to Lorien, but Glorfindel instead. It was this remembrance of Glorfindelâs weight, that made Erestor seal his mouth most obediently.
Getting back across the Nimrodel had been pretty easy. Some elven klutz who had been there before them, most likely one of the ones who had gone after the escapee boat, had left a strong rope-bridge that crossed the waters. Once on the other side, Erestor shook his head in despair as he rolled up the rope. âDear me!â he sighed. âAnd they wonder how so many enemies cross this river!â
Back at Glorfindelâs room, the trio set to work on the chest (Glorfindel had been lain upon his bed, still out for the count). After over half an hour of fiddling, hitting, banging and prising, the chest remained locked tight. Suddenly, a happy whistling broke the silence and Rumil looked in, swiftly followed by his two brothers.
âHallo. Having fun?â he asked.
âNot exactlyâ replied Zhie, âYou see-â
âHang on!â Rumilâs eyes widened. âIs that - ? Orophin come here and look at this!â
Orophin peered over his brotherâs shoulder and suddenly began to laugh. âWhy, sweet Elbereth, I donât believe it!â
Without another word, Orophin shot out the room and down the corridor, returning a minute later with a silver key clutched in his palm. He moved towards the chest and fiddled with the lock for a second or so, until finally with a sharp âclickâ the lid opened to revealâŚâŚ
âWhat in Manweâs name is this?â gaped Erestor.
The chest was packed solid of childâs toys, wooden swords and costumes. Reaching inside the chest, Orophin pulled out two of the swords, threw one to Rumil and threw a stuffed toy orange dragon to Haldir, who caught it with a broad grin on his face.
âSparky!â he cried happily, hugging the dragon to his chest. âI thought Iâd lost you!â
Meanwhile, the two brothers were happily playing with the swords.
âEngard!â cried Rumil, pretending to draw his sword from a non-existent belt. âHa ha! Your days are numbered, elf!â
Orophin laughed. âNot likely, foul orc! For I, the great Orophinius you shall defeat you!â
Haldir was now searching through the chest, uncovering all of his âfriendsâ including âHappyâ, âSparkleâ and âJoeyâ!
âOh myâ sighed Erestor. âWho would have thought the âtreasureâ was really their elfling toys?â
Zhie shook her head. âNot me, but then again, they are quite sweet!â
Erestor looked at her, surprised. âWho? They toys or the brothers?â
Zhie laughed. âBoth, I suppose!â
Jack, however, looked a little worried. âNever again shall I say ânot all treasure is silver and goldâ, for now, I am quite certain I am cursed for life!â
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