Story Downloaded from Open Scrolls Archive (https://www.openscrolls.net) Title: Shopping with Grima and Saruman (#2735) Author: Khamul Chapters: 2 Archive: Tolkien Category: Alternate Universe (AU) Description: Grima and Saruman go shopping. It's...ehrm. A bit modernized. Also, this is an idea I've had for a while, but I had forgotten it. Neume's story helped me remember. Published: 22 May 2006 Updated: 23 May 2006 Warnings: Type: Parody Characters: Grima; Saruman; Checker Chapter 1 - To the Market. "Worm!" called Saruman angrily, storming from his study in Orthanc like a boiling cloud. His thick brows furrowed, he looked far too much like an angry bear. "Master!" squealed Grima, dropping from a chair, whimpering on his belly in front of Saruman. The Istari's staff was raised, pointing at Grima's sobbing body. "Master, I, I didn't do anything." he whispered, sliding on his belly, moving forward to kiss the hem of Saruman's robes. Grima's face impacted with the staff with a satisfying crunch. Wormtounge reeled back in pain, clutching his face. Saurman smirked. "Now Worm, answer truthfully. Did you eat the last ice cream can?" Saruman asked icily. It was always a problem with his slave. Ever since the White Wizard bought Cookies'n Cream ice cream, Grima devoured it as hungrily and greedily as a warg. (Not to mention as disguisting too.) Grima let his hands fall. Looking up at Saruman, his stood up quietly. "No, great Lord of all, it must have been an orc." he explained, his reedy voice sounding deeply concered. "They always go for the ice cream." "Lies! Do you not know that I can see your innermost thoughts?" Saruman hissed, anger returning. Grima dropped to his knees. 'Well, actually, I didn't know.' he thought. "When we go to market today," Saruman explained coldly, "We're getting a different flavor. Cherries Jubliee." he finished, pronouncing Grima's doom. "Master! Not that!" he wailed, tears returning to stream down his clammy face. "There has never been a punishment like that!" he cried. Saruman smiled coldly. "Exactly." As they rode their horses to the nearest market, 'Orc's' Grima remained oddly quiet. The Istari figured this would be a productful market day. The omens were good, seeing as how, for the first time ever, Grima said not a word as he rode on his black gelding. As they approached, Grima sniffled loudly. Saruman ignored him. When they tied their horses up, Grima covered his face, sobbing. The White Wizard gave him a reproachful look. Grima stopped faking and dropped his hands instantly. Saruman walked briskly ahead, Grima, looking mournful walked behind. As they walked through the automatic doors, in to Orc's, Grima's face lit up with joy. "I always love when they open and close like that." "Silence, Wormtounge, Or you will merely become "Worm" and never again have "Tounge" in your name." Grima close his mouth suddenly, and checked to make sure his tounge with behind his teeth. 'Check!' he thought. Saruman picked up a basket, and then they were off to aisle one. Chapter 2 - Shopping! After five minutes off their fruitless labor searching for pickled oilaphaunt toenails, Grima approached Saruman caustiously. "Lord, we still only have four items on our list. Perhaps, since our cabinet at Orthanc is so barren...we could fill it up with Cookies'n cream? Yes, does that not please you?" "No. It dosen't." Saruman replied tartly. "We only picked up two items." perhaps his wishes about a successful market trip was not to be. It was as if the Horse Lords were cursing him! Saruman turned, and saw to Rohirrim standing by aisle five, and whispering vulgar words about him. They WERE cursing him! Saruman, infuriated, rushed towards them, brandishing his staff, and waving it frantically in the air, as if trying to scare away large, stupid birds. The Rohirrim started snickering, but retreated. Grima was at Saruman's side in an instant. (AFTER the Rohirmm left.) "An excellent show of courge, leige." he praised. "Silence, worm." Saruman seethed, staring at the Rohirric men, who had disappeared behind a row filled with ketchup in aisle twelve. "Ah!" the Istari said, his mood improving. His gaze shifted to the aisle they were on. "Here's the frozen dinner we wanted." he said, holding up a frozen chicken by it's legs. Grima held the basket forward, and Saruman dropped it in. "Ooh Lord!" Grima said, pointing exictedly towards the snack aisle. "Man flesh! The orcs'll love it." Saruman walked over the Grima, looking troubled. "Yes, but which brand? We've been capturing so many men we haven't needed to buy in awhile." he said, brows furrowed, as his dark eyes scanned the different brands of man flesh. "Ah, I think this is it." Grima said, picking up a can of 'Auntie Orc's Famous Home Cooked Man!' showing a grandmotherly type of she-orc, holding up her brand lable, and smiling. "No, no. Put it back. That's not right." Saruman waved away Grima's can. Worm's smile faded. "Here it is." Saruman noted, picking up the exact same brand, only NEXT to the can Grima picked up. Worm's face was now scowling. Next, they headed to the frozen food section again. Unfortunetly, they couldn't find the same brand of warg food that they used last time, but Saruman didn't think the wargs would mind. If they didn't like the food, they'd just try to eat the nearest orc they'd find. That was a good way of disposing weak orcs. The last item on their list was, much to Grima's dismay, Cherries Jubliee ice cream. He fell to his knees again, clutching at Saruman's robe. "No! Please master! No! Not that!" he cried, fresh tears running. Saruman's staff fell hard on Wormtounge's foot. As he cried out in pain, he let go of his master's robe, enabling Saruman free, unhampered movement. As the ice cream was put into the basket, and Saruman walked out of the aisle, without a backward glance, Grima knew his cruel fate was sealed. Or was it.... Being the sixteenth person in line, Saruman could not tolerate the wait. "Look!" he shouted. "It's an elf! Oh no! He just ran out of the market! Get him!" Saruman commanded. Fourteen orcs scattered, dropping their items and scrambling to the nearest exit, shouting "Pointy eared whelp!" and drawing their scmictars. The Istari smirked, and said to Grima, "No wizardry needed there." he said. As they moved ahead in the line, looking down to make sure they didn't step in any spilled tomatoes, they noticed one scrawny orc was still waiting in line, with a huge basket. It would take too long, (In Saruman's mind) to check out all of the items. He towered over the small orc. "Begone!" he commanded, his imposing figure obviously too much for the little orc to handle. He ran. "Excellent." Saruman said, beaming. Then, he handed a teenage looking checker his basket. Grima handed his over as well. Saruman turned, picking an issue of 'Old Crackpots Gone Mad Monthly'. On the front page was Gandalf the White, and Denethor of Gondor. Saruman smiled. "Excuse me sir," asked a hollow voice. Saruman turned around. It was the checker. "Here's your list. One can of Auntie Orc's Man Flesh, one Orc -O- Rama's Frozen Chicken, one Cherries Jubliee..." he looked up. Saruman nodded. The teenager went back to the list. "One can of warg food, two boxes of Auntie Orc's breakfast cereal, one pack of Ent Spring water..." "Alright. Let's go Worm," said Saruman, picking up his basket. "Wait sir!" "What?" asked Saruman icily. "You forgot your Cookies'n Cream." "But I never bought any." "Yes you did." "No." "Yes!" "Yes what?" "You bought ice cream!" "I know. I did. Let's go Worm." "Sir, you forgot your ice cream!" Saruman turned around again, fuming. Wormtounge looked fearful. "Here! Here is what I bought!" Saruman said menicingly, holding up the Cherries Jubilee. The teenage checker held up the Cookies'n Cream ice cream. For a moment the Wizard's gaze was fixed on the ice cream. Saruman spun around, furious. "WORM!" he roared. "It must have been an orc that put that there." Grima said innocently. ------------------------------------------------------------------ Downloaded from Open Scrolls Archive (https://www.openscrolls.net) on Sun Nov 15, 2026 1:00 am