Story Downloaded from Open Scrolls Archive (https://www.openscrolls.net)
Title: The Sue'cide Club of Middle Earth (#839)
Author: Donroth
Chapters: 4
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Archive: Tolkien
Category: Palantir Section
Description: SCOME was formed to address the problem of an Arda overrun by "The Contagion", otherwise known as Mary Sues. Even in fanfiction, Mary Sues want to save the day. Read on as the main protagonist, Donroth, tries to combat the ultimate evil with itself, with the help of several uber hot elves, of course.
Published: 20 Apr 2004
Updated: 28 May 2004
Warnings:
Type: Humour
Characters: OFCs;Elladan;Elrohir;Elured;Elurin;Amrod;Amras
Chapter 1 - A Sue and Her Friends
The Sue'cide Club of Middle Earth
Disclaimer: This is an un “beta”-ed work in progress. If you recognize anything, chances are, it isn’t mine. This is a story about Mary Sues. If you haven’t noticed, my protagonist is named, Donroth, after the author a.k.a. Me. It’s a parody. It’s supposed to screw up canon. It’s hopefully funny. That said, reviews would be really great, flames would be interesting to get and constructive criticism is begged for. If you’re still set on reading this, thank you for your time and please don’t say I didn’t warn you. =)
~*~
Golden liquid lightly flowed from the crystal fountain and into the mithril cup. A few streams spilled onto the delicate hand holding it and down the slender arm of its owner. The Lady Donroth smiled as she suppressed the giggle that threatened to escape, as the fluid tickled her flawless cream skin. Naturally, the excess liquid magically evaporated before it could stain her white satin gown.
Ah, the simple pleasures were what she loved most about Arda. Lifting the cup to her crimson lips, she let the Lothlorien miruvor glide down her exquisite throat as her warm hazel eyes scanned the ballroom.
The sound of soft lyres mingled with the most exotic of voices that rivaled even Maglor’s and Daeron’s combined talents. But of course they would. The musicians were being led by no less than Udiel, Feanor’s daughter, whose passion and genius for music made her elder brother’s compositions sound like yrchs mating.
The Lady Donroth gracefully lifted the hem of her gown ever so slightly as she seemingly glided across the hall, lithely maneuvering through the sea of skillful dancers, unable to resist the temptation of spinning every now and then to the melody. She paused momentarily to allow Lord Finrod to twirl the Lady Isilme, whom he had met and fallen in love with after the Lady Amarie refused to accompany him to Middle Earth. As they passed, in beat to the music, the Lady Donroth lightly stepped forward and finally made her way to the main hall leading to the palace’s many private sitting rooms.
The Lady Donroth was, for the lack of a more appropriate word, beautiful. Not even Luthien, in all her fabled beauty could possibly compare. However, striking, she was not. Her beauty, sadly, was as common within these halls as one of the priceless rubies kept within King Thranduil’s coffers. Though this had never bothered her in the least. She had always taken the beauty as she had taken the grace, benevolence, intelligence, wit, and over-all perfection – with complete apathy. All she had cared for were the harmonious songs, delectable wine, and exquisite eye candy that were readily available to her in her new home.
Of course no one could really call Arda her new home. After all, she had been here for the past 16,000 years after she had inexplicably woken up at Cuiviénen along with Ingwe, Elwe, Finwe and the others gifted with foreknowledge that seems to abruptly end upon the commencement Arda’s fourth age. She had made acquaintances and friends since then, some she even considered as family. She had even found her true calling –well as much of a calling as she could have considering the circumstances.
Stepping through the hall lined with Míriel’s and Vaire’s exceptional tapestries, she curtsied her poised respects to the many passing dignitaries. She blushed slightly as the Lord Erestor kissed her hand in greeting, the Lady Helena hanging upon his arm as usual. He had always been such a flirt.
She paused at the entrance of a room to wave a greeting to her friend, the princess, Ruithien. There, she briefly eavesdropped upon the daughters-in-law of Feanor as they laughingly reminisced amongst themselves about how “that stupid oath” kept their husbands from their beds for the better part of an age.
“Thank goodness, you used that silver unicorn of yours to steal back those gaudy jewels from Morgoth, Ellaine,” the princess Calawelatheiliel told her sister-in-law.
“I only wished I could have done it sooner,” the other princess sighed.
“Of course she does,” the princess Gildenwen butted in. “I’m sure she misses what Maedhros can do with both his hands.”
As the room erupted with tinkles of laughter, Princess Ruithien returned the greeting and the Lady Donroth went on her way.
Passing the three adjoining rooms containing the Lords Elladan’s and Elrohir’s many conquests, she turned to the right as the hall diverged into two passages.
Eru knows she did not want to end up in the holding halls of the Prince Legolas’ countless wives. Many a newcomer who strayed down there never came back. A rare few were able to return, and definitely not unscathed. The Lady Donroth shuddered at the thought as she returned the smile the Lord Glorfindel greeted her with. Why on Arda was he alone, baffled her. But she knew better than to strike up a conversation with him, lest she suddenly find her fea within the halls of Mandos, her poor hroa being chopped up by any or all of his numerous lovers.
Finally, she came to the unassuming door at the end of the passage. Quite inconspicuous for sure, considering it was the only closed and bolted one in the entire palace. Knocking in the rhythmic code of the secret order, she heard the click of many locks and patiently waited as the door slowly opened.
A heavily veiled head peered out from behind the still partially closed door. It was a pathetic attempt to hide the lustrous amber locks that lay concealed within as two soft tendrils peeked from underneath the coarse wool. The Lady Donroth soon found two sapphire eyes narrow at her exposed head and sooner had a similar gray piece of cloth thrust into her available hand. Rolling her eyes, the Lady Donroth complied with the silent order and nimbly tucked her auburn tresses away.
“There,” she stated. “Now, may I enter?” she pointedly looked at the doorkeeper.
“Very well,” the soft but irritated voice replied.
The attractive doorkeeper stepped aside – allowing Donroth to squeeze through the quarter opening – and immediately shut and bolted the door behind her once Donroth was fully in the room. As the doorkeeper secured every single one of the twenty locks bolting the door from ceiling to floor, Donroth surveyed the room’s other occupants.
Everyone was already there. Kira, the raven-haired beauty, was as usual angst-fully moping in a dark corner, still lamenting in silence for the day she would be returned to Earth. Jasmine was suffocating her fiery mane and emerald eyes in the pipeweed chamber with Silver-haired Ashley and Golden-locked Kylie. River-Daughter Erika sat on the couch consoling the Vala Nienna’s supposed sister, Rianna, while 4th ringbearer Anya calmly turned the page of her latest tome, elegantly seated upon a pile of velvet cushions. Racquel, after having made sure that the door had been bolted more impenetrable than the gates of Angband, moved toward the little stove to attend to the pot of tea about to boil. Donroth sighed and took her seat across Anya. All was the way it should be. It was the 547,209,479th official meeting of the Sue’cide club of Middle Earth.
Killing a sue was no easy matter. Slaying the hroa only made a sue’s fea take a little respite in Mandos’ Halls. This only succeeded in making the Vala who owned said halls to become very cranky. The SCOME already had to rent a substantially large library at Nargothrond just to house all the letters of complaint received from the disgruntled Vala, not to mention the occasional writ of curse that would issue after a particularly pesky sue would suddenly find her lovely way into his halls.
Banishing a sue to the Void used to be an attractive option. That is, it was, before Morgoth and Sauron started turning them into vampire sues, fallen avari sues, all-things-dark-and-evil-but-still-extremely-sexy sues and the like before sending them straight back to Arda to cause even more havoc than before. Of course, when a particularly powerful sue with her one-locket-to-rule-them-all took control of the void, rehoused both dark lords into uber-hot elven bodies and made them her bdsm love slaves, Manwe and the other Valar had to step in. Banished to the void as the dark lords were, the Valar, after all, did not believe in cruel, unusual and in-Ainur punishment. Naturally, this resulted to a restraining order on SCOME to stay clear of the Void for a radius of at least 50,000,000 leagues.
Of all the attempts to eliminate a sue, they succeeded an estimated zero amount of times.
“Ahem,” Raquel daintily cleared her throat as carried the gilded tray of tea and crumpets towards the leaf-shaped marble tea table in the center of the room. “Perhaps we ought to get started,” she prompted the other members.
At the signal, the occupants of the pipeweed chamber filed out, billows of smoke escaping into the room. Anya lifted her head from her tome to shoot glares at the source as Kylie, Jasmine and Ashley sheepishly took their seats around the table. Rianna stopped sobbing and restrained herself to the occasional sniffle while Kira moved her sulking self from the dark corner to a relatively shadowy chair three steps closer to the table. Having set the tray down, Raquel took the remaining chair and the members of SCOME, observing the utmost etiquette, helped themselves to the traditional tea and crumpets.
Ignoring the disapproving looks Raquel was giving her, Donroth spiked her tea with some of the miruvor she had left and offered the quarter-full goblet to Jasmine, who graciously accepted. The goblet was passed around until it was confiscated by Racquel, thankfully, after it had already been completely drained.
“I do not see how all of you can partake of such a sinful vice, particularly at a time like this,” Racquel reprimanded.
“Come now, you make it sound as if we’re sleeping with a canon character,” Donroth teased.
“Hmm, now that’s a thought,” Anya smiled as the room giggled, well, except of course for Rianna who merely sadly smiled for a second and Kira who never laughed.
“Well, Donroth-Sue and Anya-Sue, how many times must I remind you of the gravity of our responsibility?” The room groaned as Racquel began one of her trademark lectures.
“Yes, Racquel-Sue, we know. You need not remind us yet again,” Donroth told Racquel, attempting to conceal the patronizing tone.
“These are dire circumstances indeed. After our last failure, we are rapidly running out of options,” Racquel continued, ignoring her.
“Racquel-Sue, we’ve been running out of options since the beginning of the First Age,” Kylie pointed out.
Racquel sighed. She miserably put her head into her delicate hands. Everyone in the room immediately felt remorseful.
“There now, it will be all right,” Erika soothed. “We nearly succeeded the last time.”
“Succeeded?!” Racquel cried out, startling everyone in the room. “What do you mean almost succeeded?! The supposed High-Queen of the Noldor laughed at us and then invited us to try out her newly installed hot tub at Gil-Galad’s Palace O’ Love! I do not think that is anywhere near successful!” she ranted.
“Calm down, Racquel-Sue. We’re trying the best we can,” Donroth said, trying to calm her hyperventilating SCOME sister.
“I cannot calm down! I… hate… you… Erika… Sue…” Racquel trailed off as she fell under the spell of Erika’s song and peacefully slumped down onto her chair.
“Erika-Sue, that’s enough,” Donroth said as she struggled to fight off the urge to snuggle up to one of Anya’s cushions.
“Sorry, but I had to,” Erika genuinely apologized as she stopped her song of comfort. The SCOME nodded in understanding.
“She does make a point though,” Anya stated. “Trying to exorcise the sue didn’t work at all.”
“Well, it did make sense,” Kylie reasoned. “The Great T was catholic. Catholic exorcism should have worked.”
“Yes, well, I suppose sues are more resilient than demons,” Anya pointed out.
“True,” Kylie conceded. “But it did look hopeful for a bit when we sprayed her with holy water. I mean, she did cringe.”
“Well, maybe that’s just because we got her new pink chiffon gown wet,” Rianna sniffled.
The room was thoughtfully silent.
“Maybe it is time we accepted our fate and that of Arda,” Kira offered from the shadows. The room turned to her, shocked since this was the first time she had spoken in three ages.
“You cannot be serious?!” Racquel exclaimed, breaking out of Erika’s spell.
“I am,” Kira replied.
Her words were voiced with such finality that no one dared speak. Donroth looked from one face to another. Even Racquel looked resigned. As the concept started to sink in, Donroth began to panic. True, she had always treated the sisterhood lightly. She always teased Racquel and her “traditions”. But SCOME could not possibly end! This was what kept them sane in the midst of all the hedonism.
“No!” Donroth cried as she abruptly stood. “We cannot give up! Think of Arda! Think of the Arda we once worshipped! Think of the insipid children who rape the most noble of the Edain, Eldar and the Ainur! Think of elvish polygamy! Think of the phrase ‘Amin mela lle’ and faeries in Arda!” she pleaded with her SCOME-sisters. Unfortunately, leadership was not on the list of sue abilities that Donroth was gifted with. She watched in dismay as, one by one, her sisters left the room, leaving her alone with half-eaten crumpets and a pile of discarded gray veils.
Chapter 2 - Reinforcements
The Sue'cide Club of Middle Earth
Chapter 2: Reinforcements
~*~
For the first time in 16,000 years, Donroth did not know what to do. Here she was, slumped over the remnants of the Sue’cide Club of Middle Earth, turning the whole room into a giant pipeweed chamber and unsuccessfully trying to inebriate herself with the bottle of Dorwinion that she kept stashed in her private chest. Damn her sue constitution.
What had gone wrong? She knew they should have passed that rule banning the use of sue abilities against the sisterhood. If Kira hadn’t used her power of authority, there would still be a SCOME. If Erika hadn’t subdued Racquel, maybe she would still have had the strength to resist Kira’s power. Oh why did she oppose that vote? Donroth took another graceful swig from the bottle.
Things would never be the same. Looking around her, Donroth found herself reminiscing about the good ole times. Earth song lyrics began flashing into her mind. ‘Oh don’t it seem to go that you don’t know what you’ve got ‘til it’s gone…’ She could almost see Kira sulking at her corner, Racquel with her serving tray and keys, Rianna weeping on the couch, two very hot elven warriors pointing their arrows at her, Jasmine inside the pipeweed chamber…
Donroth blinked. There were two very hot elven warriors with their bows stretched, aiming at her at point blank range. Closing her eyes, she shook her head. Opening her eyes again, she could now see four very hot elven warriors with their bows stretched, aiming at her at point blank range. She must be hallucinating. After all, she had never tried Dorwinion mixed with pipeweed before. Besides, the two pairs were identical. Hot elves just don’t multiply like that, much to the dismay of many a sue. Sighing, Donroth closed her eyes again and deeply inhaled more of the pipeweed, determined to ignore the sinful delusion. Old habits do die hard.
A painful prick had her eyes flying open and her vocal chords raring.
“What in Mandos’ Halls!?” Donroth screamed.
“Do not move,” warned one of the very hot elves with fiery braids who happened to have his arrow, at least the pointy metallic one, pressed against her throat.
For the life of her, Donroth did not know how one so deadly could sound so incredibly sexy. Pushing thoughts of satisfying bdsm scenarios out of her mind, which only a sue could do, she reorganized her thoughts and rationally analyzed the situation. Yes, she was being held at arrow point – several arrows to be exact. Yes, this was real and not some hallucination from pipeweed and Dorwinion since sues never get stoned. Yes, the worst thing that could happen is that they shoot her and her hroa dies.
Maybe she could use the recuperating time in Lorien after she was reembodied, which she was sure would be immediately unless Mandos miraculously wanted one of her kind to stay more than a millisecond within his halls.
Gathering the courage, she opened her eyes and looked at her [ahem] captor. He glared back with those sexy grey eyes that have definitely seen the light of Aman, his arrow steadfast on her skin.
“Shoot me or tell me what’s keeping you from shooting me,” she blandly told him.
After what seemed to be until the remaking of Arda marred, the arrows were lowered. The glares did not relent though. Looking around, Donroth noticed that there were now six pairs of identical hot elves, all dressed in dark gray tunics, all glaring at her as if she was the sue she was.
One of the pair with jet-black locks who looked slightly younger than the others (if that was even possible) was the first to speak.
“You are to aid us,” he commanded in that oh so smoothly husky voice. Involuntarily swallowing, Donroth cleared her mind once more – with a lot more effort this time.
“How may I aid you?” she asked, her voice completely calm. Hey, when commanded by an extremely hot elven warrior to aid him and his equally extremely hot elven friends or, in this case, relatives, a sue does not have to think twice.
Her composure seemed to irk them more as she could see delicious elven muscles tense.
“You will aid us in finishing your lackadaisical mission to purge Arda of The Contagion,” he ordered.
Donroth burst out laughing. Wonderful! Six very hot elven warriors who had a sense of humor. Well, at least one of them did. Tears of laughter began to stream down her flushed cheeks. Then she noticed they weren’t laughing with her or even at her. Delicately wiping her eyes, she stood to face them.
“What makes you think that I can help you? Since you know so much about the now defunct SCOME, you should know that we were a complete failure. We are not going to succeed just because we’ll now have some elven inspiration!” she said incredulously, although deep within she doubted the veracity of her own words.
Now the hot elven warriors were the ones laughing. Oh Eru! They were laughing. Their lips were upturned into smiles too! Argh!
“Typical sue,” one of the deep chestnut haired ones drawled, in a completely sensuous manner. “We do not need you to save Arda. We’ll be doing that ourselves. We just need your – services,” he smirked, looking her up and down.
Luckily his twin rolled his eyes, keeping Donroth as grounded as she could possibly be.
“Elrohir, must you be so dramatic?” the twin, who by an excruciatingly difficult process of deduction would be Elladan, told his clone in exasperation.
“Great going, ‘Dan! Now she knows who we are!” Elrohir hissed back.
“Must you be so juvenile?” a fiery-maned hot one sighed.
“She must already know who we are. She is a sue, after all,” added his twin.
“I would not insult our kin like thus, Feanorian,” a jet-black hot one warned.
“You will find that it is more difficult to deal with the sons of Dior, when they aren’t helpless little elflings,” the other dangerously informed.
As much as several pairs of identical hot elven warriors fighting could be an appealing prospect, Donroth, being the sue she is, decided to step in.
“Uhm, obviously you’ve decided that the fate of Arda is worth working together for, otherwise you wouldn’t be here. So why don’t you just tell me what it is exactly you want me to do so Arda can be saved and I can get back to that blissful insignificant existence that I can hardly even remember?” she diplomatically offered.
Six pairs of sexy grey eyes looked at her dourly.
“Well, since you’re the dramatic one, I’ll leave you the honors,” Elladan told Elrohir.
Elrohir gave his brother a halfhearted acidic look before turning his smoldering grey eyes towards Donroth, making her involuntarily swallow yet again.
“As you know The Contagion has imposed new rules upon Arda, making a mockery of the very music that Eru created,” he began, as he circled her like a panther stalking his prey.
If Donroth had her senses about her, she would have noticed five very hot elven warriors chuckling at Elrohir’s “dramatics”. But – senses? What senses?
“One of these rules subjects every creature in Arda, which could even include the greatest of the Valar, to the dominion of one ultimate sue – the alpha sue,” he continued, spitting the words as if they left a bad taste in his mouth.
Donroth could do naught but nod to prevent herself from drooling.
“Now, while under the control of an alpha sue, the subject creature cannot be dominated by any other sue unless the alpha sue consents to such a domination and they fill out all the proper forms, etcetera and so forth,” he explained, twirling an arrow to emphasize what he was saying.
At this point, Donroth’s knees were just about to buckle, sending her helplessly into the arms of an unidentified hot elven warrior who deemed it prudent to approach the sue from behind and lay his hands on her shoulders.
“What my grand-nephew is trying to say, is that we will be free to act against The Contagion if we could only find an alpha sue that would prevent other sues from interfering with our mission. Of course, at the same time, she should not prevent us from destroying the very thing that keeps her in existence,” he whispered into her delicately pointed ear, each word sending shivers through every nerve in her perfect body.
A fiery-maned one sighed in exasperation. “She will be of no use to us as a puddle of goo,” he reminded them.
“Besides, you don’t need to butter her up. She is the most malleable member of SCOME,” the other pointed out.
Donroth was beyond understanding that insult. In fact, she was incapable of anything other than listening to the hypnotically intense voice whispering into her ear and controlling the shockwaves being caused by the light dexterous fingers running up and down her arms.
“So, Donroth, will you be our alpha sue?” the whisperer softly asked, his breath warm against Donroth’s skin.
Do you honestly think she would say ‘No’?!
“Yes,” she breathed.
“Good!” the whisperer said cheerfully as he let go of her arms and walked back over next to his clone. She would have swooned more if his clone hadn’t flashed her a brilliant smile that immediately compensated for the sudden loss of touch.
“Well then, on with the ceremonies I suppose,” a fiery one sighed.
“Ceremonies?” Donroth asked, slowly regaining the more basic parts of her consciousness.
“Yes, the bonding ceremonies,” the whisperer told her off-handedly. “Elrohir and Elladan, perhaps you should go first, followed by Amrod and Amras. Elurin and I can go last since we don’t have any wives and it will be best for her to focus her energies freeing those who are most burdened first,” he, who turned out to be Elured, instructed his companions.
“Wait a second!” Donroth cried, being jarred to complete consciousness. “What bonding ceremonies?!”
“The bonding ceremonies to make you our alpha sue,” Elured explained impatiently as he helped Elurin move about the furniture to make space for the cushions that Amrod and Amras were rearranging as Elladan and Elrohir started divesting themselves of metallic and wooden weapons.
“Wait, what exactly do these bonding ceremonies entail?” Donroth asked, alarm and that guilty little – okay, big – tingle of excitement rushing through her.
Elurin sighed. “Aren’t you sues supposed to know all about bonding ceremonies? It’s not like we have to walk you through it,” he rolled his deep grey eyes.
“But the bonding ceremonies that I know about… well, theoretically of course… but… I mean… they’re for mating!” The prude in Donroth started to really panic.
“Gee, you’re not a slow one, are you?” Elrohir sardonically asked.
“That is the only kind of bonding ceremony there is, unless you’re talking about smithing, which we are not,” Amrod explained to her slowly as if she were an elfling.
She was appalled. Turned on, yes. But definitely appalled.
“Are you all crazy?!” she screamed.
All of the elves stopped. Six pairs of gorgeous grey eyes narrowed simultaneously.
“Listen, the only reason why we’re doing this is because it is necessary,” Elrohir hissed as he slowly but dangerously made his way towards her. “The only reason why we will be enjoying it is because you are a sue – the very object that we wish to eradicate from the face of Arda. And if I have to bond myself to one more sue to prevent being “irrevocably” bonded with a human teenager from a place called Earth every few decades or so, then by Eru, so be it!” his face was inches from hers as he glared down at her, his eyes boring holes into her sued soul, the passion in his voice resonating through the room and the vigor in his spirit…
Donroth shut her eyes and silently prayed.
‘Oh Eru! Help Me!’
Suddenly, she felt at peace. Perhaps Eru did answer her prayer. She slowly opened her eyes. Elrohir was no longer glaring down at her.
Unfortunately, it turns out, he merely returned to helping the others arrange the room for the “ceremonies”. Donroth did not know what to do. She couldn’t possibly bond herself to all six of them! Could she? NO! She could not entertain such thoughts!
‘I am a sue. Knowing my inherent evil is the first step in defeating it. I am a sue. Knowing my inherent evil is the first step in defeating it. I am a sue. Knowing my inherent evil is the first step in defeating it. I am a sue…’ she repeated the SCOME code over and over in her mind as the three sets of twins finished their preparations.
“Son of Dior, Catch!”
Amrod tossed a dagger-sized velvet box over to Elured. Opening it revealed six pairs of the most beautiful mithril rings Donroth had ever seen in her entire sued life. Her mouth automatically dropped. The fiery twins snickered.
“Just imagine how she would have reacted if Curufin had made them,” Amras snidely commented to his brother.
Elurin gorgeously snorted. “I’ve seen better work from the Naugrim,” he told his brother.
“I know, and they’re less treacherous too,” Elured replied.
The fiery twins glowered. The Jet-black haired twins glared back.
Seizing the opportunity to escape, Donroth’s body began to stealthily move towards the door while her hormones were choking the life out of her.
Faster than she could breathe, Elladan stood between her and the door.
“Going somewhere?” he smirked at her.
There was only so much a sue could take. Obediently, she let him take her hand and lead her towards the meadow of cushions where Elured waited with the first set of rings.
Chapter 3 - The Binding Process
There comes a time in every sue’s life when everything goes absolutely perfectly. Time seems to stop. She stands there, in her flowing white satin gown. Her auburn tresses glisten in the candlelit room. Her fingers are entwined with her betrothed’s, as her other betrothed recites the blessings of Manwe and Varda, her four other grooms-to-be standing witness to the supposedly blessed event.
Elured, who had taken it upon himself to facilitate the bonding, ceremoniously handed Elladan one of the slimmer mithril rings. Donroth felt the room swirl and lost all coherent thought as her current groom slowly and gently slipped the wire thin band onto her delicate finger.
Reaching over to the velvet box, Elured took one of the larger rings and placed it in Donroth’s free hand. The broader piece of jewelry gleamed in her open palm as she continued to stare at Elladan in a lustful stupor. A swift kick from Elured started to knock her back into consciousness.
Donroth shook her head, trying to clear it. Blinking, she turned to face six very impatient, nonetheless sexy, elves – all looking at her expectantly. Thoughts began to form in her addled brain. She dumbly looked to the elf on her left to see if he could tell her what to do.
“You’re supposed to slip it on his finger,” Elured informed the dazed sue, motioning to the uber hot elf holding her hand.
“Oh,” Donroth said through the remaining haze as she complied with the instruction. Elured then spoke the final incantation.
“You are thus bound, in the name of Eru, the Author, and the Great Tolkien. May no sue break your bond,” he pronounced, taking Elladan and Donroth’s free hands and covering them over their entwined ringed fingers.
“Finally,” Elrohir mumbled under his breath.
“Not that I wish to agree with the peredhil spawn, but we really should get this thing moving along,” Amrod testily reminded them.
Elladan promptly glared at the Feanorian but then decided it wasn’t worth the effort. Looking back at his newest bride, he took a deep breath – and then looked around the room at the five other elves who were still standing witness to the supposedly blessed event.
“Do you mind?” he pointedly asked, an eyebrow raised in perfect peredhil fashion. Coughing in embarrassment, the five other elves sheepishly turned the other way.
Focusing on the, er, task at hand, Elladan turned back to face his still groggy bride. Taking a moment to steel himself, he gently kneeled Donroth onto the bed of cushions. Tenderly brushing away loose tendrils of auburn that had come to softly frame her face, he started to trace imaginary lines down her slender arms. Softly but firmly, his hands smoothly trekked across the curves of her hips and reached for the hem of her satin skirt. They then began to skillfully maneuver their way up her gown, lightly brushing against the soft skin of her legs.
Unfortunately, it was at this point that Donroth’s sue’cide instincts just had to kick in – along with other parts of her anatomy. The poor Son of Elrond soon found himself twisted on the cushions, in much pain.
“Great, you just had to pick a sadistic one, didn’t you?” Elrohir accused Elurin.
Elurin lifted his hands in defense as the four standing elves looked at him reproachfully. “She is a member of SCOME. A little resistance is expected,” he reasoned out.
“A… little… resistance?!” Elladan choked out from the floor, where he had managed to roll away from his black widow.
“It is not wise to talk back to your elders,” Elured reprimanded the bent over elf. Sighing, he turned to the sue who had instinctively backed herself against a wall. Seeing her frightened eyes, he softened a bit. “The words are of no use if the bond is not consummated. You did say you would help us,” he reminded her.
Donroth rapidly looked from one hot elf to another, fighting desperately to keep control. The words ‘ungrateful little twit’ oddly resonated in her brain. She closed her eyes and tried to exhale her excess hormones.
“I told you we should have gone for the bossy Numenorean,” Elrohir sulked as he helped his twin up from the floor. Elladan winced at the movement but then steadied himself, shaking off his fussing clone. “Now, it’s too late to go chasing after another member. Eru knows where in Arda they may be now,” Elrohir continued, rolling his eyes at his stubborn twin.
“I… for one… am not… going out there again… without an… alpha sue,” Elladan wheezed as he sat himself on the couch way across the room from Donroth.
Nodding in agreement, the other elves sat themselves down on the nearest piece of furniture they each could find. For a time, everyone just sat in the former SCOME HQ, pondering various options.
Donroth opened her eyes to see her six very hot betrotheds looking very despondent. She felt awful. She could make it all go away with a single act… well, six single acts. It wouldn’t be so bad to be bound to them, would it? She carefully looked at each of the six scrumptiously brooding elves. Ai Eru! It definitely would not be bad! After all, it was for a good cause… No! She could not give in! There had to be another way… right?
“Excuse me,” she timidly began, mentally kicking herself for being the pathetic excuse for a sue that she was. The hot elves turned their gorgeous grey eyes on her. “Maybe there’s another way to do this together?” she suggested.
“Oh? Then by all means, pray tell what that is,” Elrohir scornfully remarked, his patience with the sue obviously wearing very thin.
“Well,” she began, ignoring the snide comment. “For starters, maybe we could find another way to make me your alpha sue instead of, uhm, binding myself to all six of you?” she looked at them hopefully.
Elrohir’s gorgeous eyes flashed in anger as he menacingly made his way toward Donroth. The sue felt herself involuntarily cower. “If there was another way, do you think we’d even want to consider this?!” he exploded, ignoring Elured’s attempts to settle him down as Elladan limped toward his twin.
“My fea is scarred enough with the residual wounds inflicted by the countless sues I’ve been forced to bond with!” Elrohir glared down at the sue, all his elvin energies pouring out in fury. “The bliss my hroa experiences with every subsequent bonding cannot even begin to compensate for the ultimate agony of a previous bond being violently ripped from my very being! I – ” The poor elf’s voice cracked and Elrohir allowed his twin to take him into his arms as he fell back into his twin’s embrace in exhaustion.
The room was again silent, reflecting on the anguish The Contagion had inflicted upon each of them as well as the rest of Arda.
Donroth wanted to cry. Never in her whole sue existence did she feel so helpless. What could they do to defeat the darkest power Arda had ever known? There was no ring to destroy. There was no dark fortress to storm or any Valar with enough strength to do so even if there was one. How do you bind six elven warriors to one’s service without, uhm, binding them?
She looked at the different elves sitting in the former SCOME HQ in different states of despair. Elrohir lay broken in his twin’s currently broken arms. Elured toyed with one of the rings, frighteningly reminiscent of another creature that had always made Donroth shudder. Elurin stared at the floor, unconsciously wringing his hands. Amrod and Amras… An idea suddenly gracefully popped into her sue head.
“An oath then!” Donroth exclaimed.
Six pairs of hot elven ears shot up in attention.
“An oath binding you to my service, made upon the name of the Great Tolkien!” she told them enthusiastically.
Elured and Elurin seemed to ponder on the suggestion, their heads nodding their silent assent. Elrohir looked up at her with newfound hope in his eyes. Elladan, despite his injuries, began to smile. Amrod and Amras looked at her in horror.
The Feanorian twins leapt from their seats as soon as Donroth’s words finally registered.
“No! No way! No Oath!” they vehemently cried out. Donroth looked at them pleadingly.
“It’s the only other way. What bond, other than marriage, could possibly be stronger?” she tried to reason with them.
“The sue is correct. Even sues are powerless to sever an oath’s bond, particularly one made in the name of the Great Tolkien,” Elured pointed out. The other elves save the Feanorians nodded in agreement. Amrod and Amras glared at them all. Tensions began rising once again.
“Are you out of your minds?!” Amrod shouted at them, ready to use force to emphasize his point. His twin laid a hand on his shoulder, momentarily staying his outrage. Amras closed his eyes and breathed deeply, mimicking his brother Maglor’s strategy for rewording a hastily pronounced order their eldest brother had made.
“What my brother is trying to say – is that our experience with oaths is proof enough of such folly,” he began with much restrained fury. “We are never swearing another oath. That is not negotiable,” he stated their position with finality. Eru, how sexy these elves could be when angry!
“I suppose in the House of Feanor, slaying one’s kin to recover a bunch of sparkly gems is necessary but an oath to save Arda itself is out of the question,” Elurin deliciously sneered.
“Careful, Son of Dior. You ought not speak of what you do not know,” Amrod dangerously warned, his eyes narrowing and his voice a deadly low.
“Oh, is that so? Well, I apologize, Little Finwe,” Elurin sarcastically retorted. “We obviously know nothing about how our parents were brutally murdered right before our eyes. Nor would we know anything about how our people were slaughtered and our peaceful homes burned to the ground for the sake of your precious jewel!” he viciously, but delectably, spat out.
“Do you not think we want to be rid of The Contagion more than any of you?” Amras demanded, also losing his patience. “We have it worse with slash and incest! At least you only have one brother each! We are seven!”
“You should count your blessings. After all, that seven includes one called ‘The Fair’, another being ‘The Skilled’ and ‘The Well-Formed One’,” Elurin maliciously smirked.
Donroth screamed as swords were immediately drawn, the tension in the room finally bubbling over.
“This is not helping! You’re supposed to be killing sues, not each other!” she frantically tried to remind them, as two sets of finely crafted elvish swords glistened in the candlelit room.
None of the swords were being lowered. Donroth felt a strange sense of déjà vu. Of course, as a member of SCOME, she had to be there at all 372 kinslayings. She could not let this be the 373rd. Mustering all the sue powers she had, Donroth softly positioned herself between the two pairs of twins who were about to duel to the death. “No Oaths, then,” she soothingly told the Feanorian twins, delicately pushing the various blades down with her graceful sue hands. The aura of anger slowly dissipated. Grudgingly, swords were sheathed once more. Two sets of touchy twins retreated to opposite ends of the room.
Everyone sank back into their separate states of quiet contemplation. The air in the room grew thick and the despair reached new levels.
Unable to stand the silence, Donroth decided to breach it by bringing up what she thought to be a positive subject.
“Out of curiosity, why don’t you have alpha sues?” Donroth asked the hot elves.
“Simple. We’re not popular enough,” Elured told her as a matter of fact. Donroth started to nod but then threw a skeptical look in the direction of Elladan and Elrohir.
“We’re too popular,” Elrohir sadly explained. “Too many sues competing tend to cancel each other out. We’ve had the occasional alpha sue but, thankfully, she’s always been of the Edain blessed with Illuvatar’s Gift.” A small smirk graced his lips at the thought.
“Yes, what fragile things they are,” Elladan grinned but then winced in pain.
“I see,” Donroth reflected, suppressing a shudder at the brief display of homicidal psychosis.
Silence, again, reigned. Donroth tried to think. Oaths were out. Bonding was, unfortunately, out. How could she become their alpha sue?
Then, like the one ring calling to Isildur, a solution came to her. But would the price be too high? Donroth, once again, scanned the faces of the uber hot elves in the room and decided to turn Machiavellian. A voice echoed through the room, breaking the silence.
“You do not need an alpha sue, at least not yet,” Donroth spoke ominously, her voice taking on Maiar-like proportions. The uber hot elves turned to her with a bit of trepidation. Looking at them meaningfully, her voice resounded, sending uncharacteristic chills through them.
“We must first obtain a Stu.”
The room shook violently as a great shadow passed over them at the mention of the name. The uber hot elves winced as the words grated into their ears and gripped at their fear.
“Never before has any voice dared to utter those words here in Arda,” Elured glared at Donroth, as the room cleared of the shadow.
“And let us hope that the day will come when none will have to utter it again,” Donroth dramatically answered. “Nonetheless, I do not ask your pardon for the time has come to fight fire with fire and evil with evil.”
Shuddering at her own words, Donroth shook off the dramatics. “I’m sorry. I suppose that happens when you mention words like that,” she sheepishly apologized.
Regaining their composure from the creepy incident, the uber hot elves were furious. Six very angry eldar began voicing their outrage all at once.
‘Are you crazy?!’ ‘You are out of your mind!’ ‘Are you utterly insane?!’
Elured began an infuriated lecture about even thinking of introducing another evil to Arda. Elurin cursed in Sindarin while Amrod took care of their Quenyan equivalents.
“Wait! Please Listen!” Donroth pleaded, holding up her hands to try and placate the very angry hot elves. “Let me explain,” she begged. The hot elves settled down but glared at her anew. Taking a deep breath, she began to reason with them.
“The point of getting an alpha sue is to get the other sues currently after you off your backs. The only way we can achieve this, other than resorting to binding and oaths, is by laying our hands on a sexier object of lust. It’s unlikely that we’ll find other elves in Arda that could get any hotter than the six of you,” she explained, desperately trying not lapse into a drool. “Besides, in all conscience, could you actually inflict your troubles on other unsuspecting elves?” she reasoned.
Maybe it was the compliment or the guilt trip, or maybe it was sue power at work. Whatever it was, the uber hot elves eventually agreed against their better judgment.
Thus, the quest to retrieve a Stu or two was born.
~*~
AN: Sorry it took so long to update. I don’t have a valid excuse other than a busy schedule and classic writer’s block. I mean, there is an outline on how things are going to progress. I even have an ending. It’s just that it’s a lot more difficult to make things sound funny. I really appreciate every single review this story has received. They have been very helpful. I’ve tried to fix the story accordingly. Although, I’m keeping my sue’s name because she is supposed to be a real sue and it’s sort of part of my story outline. Though rest assured, if the protagonist was really a personification of myself, she would have absolutely no qualms about being bound to six elven warriors. =P Additional info about the ‘universe’ wherein this fic is situated will be narrated in further chapters. More reviews on how the story is evolving would be appreciated. More reviews could also help in getting a faster update. No, it’s not really an ego thing. It’s just that encouragement and critiques really do fuel the creative process. Thanks so much for reading! =)
Chapter 4 - Elured's Journal
Day 3
Operation: Arato
0600 hrs mst
The preparations for the quest are nearly complete. As I write, my brother and grandnephews are finishing the final weapons inventory. It is fortunate that SCOME's armory is one of the best equipped in all of Arda. The sue in charge must have been a very powerful general. Kira was her name, I believe. Again, I begin to harbor doubts regarding our choice of SCOME member. Had we known our course would have been drastically altered as such, a skillful sue might have proved more beneficial to our cause. All dispatches have been sent and replies from our Allies have been received. By the grace of the Valar, all but two of the pidgeons have returned safely. One can only hope the poor creatures were mercifully devoured by Mirkwood's spiders. I shudder to think of their hapless fate, were they captured and kept as pets by any of Prince Legolas' wives. Thankfully the third pidgeon we sent was able to deliver our missive to Thranduil, who has promised his support despite natural reservations on working with a sue. The pompous Feanorians have completed readying the provisions ahead of schedule and are now barking orders on how to arrange the packs. Loath as I am to admit it, their assistance has proven invaluable. After I have finished my log, I shall assist the sue with her task in preparing the horses. We ought to be leaving for Eregion on schedule exactly 55 sue minutes from now.
Blowing on the parchment so the ink would dry, Elured sealed the inkwell and packed it away with his quill in his records satchel. It was important to keep account of every step of their quest. Should any or all of them fall into the spell of oblivion that often went with crossing over the borders from one Arda to the next, the journal he now packed would remind them of how to continue.
As he lit a torch and entered the secret passage, Elured thought on with sorrow at how disfigured his world had become. Once, long before, Arda had been a single world. There had been a single timeline. All was as it should be, according to the Music of Eru. Granted there had been the strife caused by Melkor's discordant melody. But then, all of Arda had been free. Now, everything and everyone was subject to the will of The Contagion. Arda itself had been torn into scraps of reality, made to form countless counterfeit worlds, all revolving around the wishes of the respective author that ruled each of them. The true inhabitants of Arda had been cast into these different realms, some repeatedly tossed between several territories, to live lives subject to the author's whims among changelings that took the place of other unimportant "characters". The only form of escape, if it could be called such, was this Central Palace, where they may be allowed by their authors to mingle with themselves, more often than not under the supervision of one or more sues.
A small sigh escaped Elured's downturned lips as he made his way through the tunnel leading from the SCOME HQ to the stables. Conflicting emotions always ran through him whenever he thought of them.
'Mary sues are evil,' Elured remembered her say. 'No matter how you may love me, you must remember that,' she had told him and his brother as she tucked them into bed every night.
A small smile replaced the frown on his lips as he let his mind linger on the memory. Elurin and he had always thought her words but a jest, a little game she played with them so they would kiss her and reassure their nana of how much they loved her. Elured's heart clenched at the memory.
She had loved them. They had loved her back. She saved them from the wilderness and raised them into the elves they now were. They had cried and mourned her when she departed with Eru's gift.
She had been their alpha sue.
Free Will had been Eru's greatest gift. The free will of nature, the ainur, elves, men and all the peoples of Arda were what ensured the order of Arda's song. The Contagion obliterated that. Elured knew it had to be restored.
Upon their nana's death, the relatively benevolent author of their world finished her story. His and his brother's free will had been restored. Eru be blessed, no other author had plucked them into another realm. Should their quest succeed, they might cease to exist. They will never have even known their beloved nana. But she had taught them well and in their hearts burned the resolve to do what needed to be done.
As he snuffed out the torch and hung it on the wall, Elured took note of the sue who was busily brushing enchanted oil into a mare's black coat. Hearing the door shut behind him, she turned. A look of shock formed on the sue's face as he gave her the warmest of smiles.
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