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Title: The Lay of Arwen Undomiel (#1112)
Author: LuthienTinuviel
Chapters: 6
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Archive: Tolkien
Category: Bombadil's Corner
Description: All right. So Arwen and Aragorn met in Lothlorien... but how?
P.S = I don't know where to catagorize this actually.. just read and find out =)
I'm betaless, I know, I should've got my skinny ass off the chair and get one but heck.
Published: 17 Jul 2004
Updated: 01 Sep 2005
Warnings: Stupidity by the author.
Type: Humour
Characters: Arwen, Aragorn, maybe appearances by the extended
Chapter 1 - Act One.
The Lay of Arwen Undomiel. (Literally).
I don’t own any of J.R.R Tolkien’s characters etc, the genius old fellow him. This is my version of Aragorn and Arwen’s romance. I can’t write stories well enough, so heck, this is what I came up with for improvisation. I intend it to achieve nothing but elevate my boredom during English Class and make it bearable, but I hope you’ll enjoy this as much as I enjoyed writing this (lol).
Scenario : Let’s just say that Aragorn picked up some really bad habits when he went out rangering around. So… (begging) don’t kill me Aragorn and Arwen fans!!
Act One.
Narration: As it was said when they both met,
the story’s relayed as good as it gets,
yet never truly was the story told,
in lines of limericks which is bold.
Yet I try, the best I can,
watch and listen, before I’m banned,
Beren and Luthien, ancestor and like-fate,
still different was means to find their mate.
Was it truly was as it was written?
Or maybe… and maybe, it was different…
(somewhere in the garden)
Aragorn : Lady-O, Lady-O, will you love me?
Arwen : Why should I, most beautiful she-elf, see?
Aragorn : Lady-O, Lady-O, I’ve bigger shaft
and killer moves to make you blush.
Arwen : What moves will you make, pray tell
not knowing those thoughts, oh, I will dwell
Aragorn : I’ll kiss you like feathers soft
make love to you high up in the loft.
Arwen : (outraged) In the loft says you filthy human?
you deserve not even little of my attention!
Aragorn : (soothing) Elbereth shines to us brighter there
and we’ll be alone, not want of care.
Arwen : And so lives the bats, rats, of ill ilk!
Aragorn : Yet eagerly so will I taste your milk.
Arwen : On softer silk will I rather sleep
alone and warmer within my Father’s keep
Aragorn : When the wind blows your blanket will fall
though my devotion to you’d still be tall.
Arwen : (blushes) Of what devotion that which you speak?
Aragorn : (mysteriously)That which you’ll discover at its peak.
Arwen : (not understanding) Your offer tempts me not, so cease!
Aragorn : For want of mercy, not without a kiss!
Arwen : A kiss says him! Why, I never!
Aragorn : My love and devotion is forever!
(kneeling) I beg you, lady. Meet me at dusk,
I’ll not fail in mine noble task!
Arwen : (faltering) Noble, hah! Yet I will comply,
I claim your debt twice-fold to try.
Aragorn : (indignant) Only twice-fold, lady?. Why, better can I do!
Arwen : (sniffing)That is yet to be seen, not said yes or no.
Aragorn : Very well, my love, my heart, my soul,
(deeper in tone whispering) tonight I will achieve my goal.
Arwen : (puzzled)What is it that you say?
Care you to relay?
Aragorn : (quickly replied) Nothing but a man’s joy to love,
when it is answered kindly, dove.
~End of Act One.
~I’m a review-whore. Gimme! Rate me! Scold me! Hahaha… Think Shakespeare would be appalled?
Should I offend you, forgive me,
I’ve a corrupted mind, so lemme be,
Love me, hate me, kill me,
I’m gonna finish my story.
Chapter 2 - Act Two.
I’m poor. I don’t own anything except my words, so Tolkien keep your characters and leave my way of prose to me. Hurrah for Act Two.
Act Two.
(In the ‘loft’)
Aragorn : (walks to and fro, anxiously waiting) Ah, my lady Arwen, lady fair!
Will you keep your words, the hope I bear?
Your lips as red as a wound bleeding,
Queenly* is your poise and bearing,
Eyes of my Mother’s dress, hair lacking light,
Will you consent to be mine tonight?
Arwen : (appears out of nowhere) Here am I, Aragorn son of Arathorn.
of whom my heart and flesh not unlike a thorn.
Aragorn : (surprised but then exulted) Arwen, fair Arwen, is mine eyes lying?
You are here, as mine, wanting.
Arwen : As real as it’ll ever be, you swine,
Now be swift, waste not my time.
Aragorn : (grabs Arwen) Swift uttered you, it is your wish?
Arwen : Mayhap my Father finds out, before we are missed!
Aragorn : (balked) Lord Elrond would know, he see far and wide.
Arwen : (impatient) Mind you Estel, wait not the tide!
Or I’ll leave right this instant!
Aragorn : Am I not, dearest, to you important?
Arwen : It is not worth the wrath of my Father!
Aragorn : Do you truly not wish to falter?
Arwen : (as if scolding a child) Keep to your promise! No less than twice!
Aragorn : You’ve never yet yet---
Arwen : (cuts in quickly) I’ve had a three elves thrice!
Aragorn : (shocked) Three?
Arwen : (drily)They’re fine elves, so let the matter be.
Now the matter currently is still at hand,
(mockingly)Let’s see how elves are bested by men.
Aragorn : (still couldn’t believe it) You desire it such, lady?
Ah, come on to me baby!
Arwen : (antagonised) Now sing, recite poetry, whatever’s your forte,
Let’s see the man you wished to portray.
Aragorn : (flabbergasted) You expect me to sing to you?
Recite poetry too?
Arwen : What else did you think, am I not Elrond’s child?
Think I’d pick just any elf-or man from the wild?
Aragorn : I…I…I… (Stuttered in embarrassment)
I think I’d simply die.
Arwen : (puzzled).
*When Aragorn mentioned queenly, he was referring to a female cat during mating season.
End of Act 2
Yes, you may kill me now for anti-climaxing haha…
Chapter 3 - Act 3
(In a bar, night after the afore night affair)
Aragorn : (dejected) If love is fair as fair is just,
then love her do I must!
Elrohir : Your heart has fallen
Elladan : for which fair maiden?
she of whom you speak of highly,
Elrohir : yet not joy but grief that I see,
you look distraught-
Elladan : Did she receive you not?
Aragorn : (drunken stupor) At the loft she came,
High hopes had I to claim,
dreams of a night in fervent passion,
yet how easily burning hope ashen,
Ah, lirimier, you breaks a man’s spirit’s well,
And I’m lost as if in a spell.
Elladan : (nudges Elrohir, whispering) He is indeed drunken mad,
Some woman, to refuse what could be had,
Elrohir : (whispering) yet you know not who the lady be,
to win him, some woman was she,
Aragorn : (sang loudly) Lady-O, Lady-O…
Elrohir : (still whispering) Ah, her name starts with an O.
Elladan : Do you mean the wench named Ocelto?
Elrohir : (disgusted) Bree-lander Ocelto has a neck stout and short,
She is old and fat, greedy to a fault!
Aragorn : (continues) Ah, my lady fair…
Will you keep your words, the hope I bear?
Your lips as red as a wound bleeding,
Queenly* is your poise and bearing,
Elrohir : (shocked)I’m not surprised, if that he sang,
that the poor lady ran as fast as she can!
Elladan : (sympathetic) Let him finish his song!
Listen, my brother, how he’s done her wrong!
Aragorn : (still singing, the poor bloke)Eyes of my Mother’s dress, hair lacking light,
Will you consent to be mine tonight?
Nay, said she, me a man of the wild,
Said she, did me think her an ignorant child?
Nay, an angel deceased was she to me,
Immortal and pure to all who can see.
Elrohir : (scandalous)An elf!
Elladan : (amused) He must think himself too deft!
Elrohir : Wait, my brother. Here’s our chance,
We ‘help’ (winked at Elladan) our poor cousin hence.
Elladan : To gain his lady friend you mean?
Elrohir : What else on Middle Earth do you think?
Aragorn : (took too much ale, and finally had it) Arwen Undomiel, Luthien’s spawn,
Why is it to you that I fawn?
Elladan & Elrohir : (collectively choked on their drinks, spewing fountains of wine) Our own SISTER???
Elrohir : (still sputtering some wine) Brother, I’ve something to discuss on the matter…
End of Act 3.
Author's note ; Thank you SO much for all of your support to my writings. Sorry 'bout the late additions to this fic. Tests, exams and research projects' been taking up time off writing this fic. I find myself straying from the original intent of the type of humour I wished to potray and that it turned out to be slightly longer than what I had intended to be.... please bear with me and keep up the reviews and ratings ^_^
Chapter 4 - A Break of sorts
Gandalf : Excuse me... excuse me young lady...
Luthien : (looks up from an abhorrent pile of lawbooks, law books everywhere, Political Science, Malaysian Law Journals...endless piles of books) Wut?
Gandalf : (looks annoyed) Well, you see... you have stalled this story far too long, and it simply would not do to stall your efforts, procrastination is a bad trait to have...
Arwen : (pops out of nowhere) And what about me? I'm a friggin' virgin here still, when will we get to the 'layin' part?
Luthien : (sighs) I know... I know... but (gestures around, implying the bedamned law books) I'm not stalling it on purpose...
Aragorn : (gazing woefully at Arwen's 'assets') Didn't you finish Act 5 already? Why aren't they published?
Elrond : And when do I get to come into this picture? Get on with it already!!
Luthien : I'm soo soo sorry, (embarassed) I kept forgetting to put the darned stuff into my floppy disk, and well... I have tons and tons of...LAW LAW LAW... ARRGGHHH (throws books towards Elrond and Erestor) How the hell do you stand the stuff??
Gandalf : (-_-")
A/N : I've exams all the way till next month (screams bouncing off Caradhras all the way to Mirkwood) I'll update as soon as I could... I promise!! Thanks a million for those who read and commented!! ^_^
Chapter 5 - Act 4
(Aragorn gets a hangover from the drunken night below)
(someone knocks)
(pulls the pillow onto his head to block out the sound)
(the knocking persisted)
(Aragorn groaned, grabbing another pillow to cover his head)
(the knocking proceeded louder)
(Aragorn groaned louder, muttered some choice curses, tried to get out of bed but successfully rolled off his bed and landed on the floor with a loud thud instead, complimented with a yowl)
(Appreciative muffled guffaws heard from outside the door)
(Aragorn muttered some other choice curses in all languages of the elves and men that he knew of and stumbled haphazardly towards the door of his room)
Aragorn : (opened the door, and bellowed) Leave me in peace!
No visitors until this calamity decease!
Elladan : (was beheld a sight of something resembling a yeti on a bad hair day, and the smell of something unwashed and definitely rotting for a week. He doesn’t really wish know about it.) For Valar’s sake pull yourself together,
(genuinely disgusted )I’ve never seen you having such behaviour!
Aragorn : My heart was struck and it felt blessed,
Only to be refused and a man less,
Leave me, cousin, to my woes,
Or feed me thus to Morgoth’s wolves.
Elladan : (pity touched his heart on Aragorn’s plight)
O Aragorn cousin, Estel brother,
Be the bamboo tree against harsh weather,
Bend if you must, when times need be,
But stand tall again, for the love of she.
Aragorn : (silent, as his head was still throbbing, and his heart aching)
Elladan : (cough) Now on the fact that it is our sister,
Have you gone mad, Estel, what of father?
Think you not of how he’d feel?
Think not he would wish to kill?
And of us, is this jest?
(hoping that he’d get the hint and find a human girl) Never feel that you’re a man less.
Aragorn : (ridiculously reminded of another Lord Elrond in the making, with that kind of lecture)
Brother, do not think ill for me,
How should I know of she?
Hearts chose not their targets wisely,
But choose it did, no cup of tea,
I may not be the wisest choice,
If love joined, not all rejoice,
Yet love her I will, with all my heart,
And cherish her till death do us part.
Now, Elladan, leave me thus,
To straighten out how things was.
Elladan : (pity bordering on guilt) May the Valar bless you, and aid your journey,
(under his breath) For your sake, brother, find another lady.
End of Act 4.
Note :*tears* Poor Aragorn… sob…sob..sob… excuse me…
Kinda gloomy for a parody, yeah, but men don’t take rejections easily, and this poor fella is no exception, special circumstances or no. I’m sorry my additions came late.
Oh, be kind. I'm betaless (lazy me yeah).
Chapter 6 - Act 5
New Page 1
(Lady Arwen sitting in the garden
knitting something)
Arwen : (muttering to herself)
Some nerve, that man,
Couldn’t believe it then,
Agreed to meet him, I did,
Some nonsense he bid,
What if father knew?
Oh, what should I do?
Farielle : (walks into the garden)
Ah, Lady Arwen, there you are,
Long have I searched you, near and far,
(noticed Arwen’s gloominess)
Is there anything amiss?
Were your twin brothers such beasts?
Arwen: Oh, Farielle, sit down beside me,
There is no other ways that I can see,
In my predicament, my disgust,
Or my folly misplacement of trust,
Farielle: (agog and incorrectly
guessing that whatever the twins did, she is definitely getting Arwen to report
to Lord Elrond) Why Arwen, my dearest friend,
What mischief have they planned
upsetting you so again?
Lord Elrond’s wrath sure to rend!
Arwen : Mellon, nien. It is the…the…Dunadein
Farielle : (Scandalized) The
mortal human?!!
He’s your foster brother is he not,
did the twins entangle him in their
knots?
Arwen: (anguish) Nay, he dare bid
for my hand,
yet would not do as suitors sans,
he sees not my ethereal beauty,
and certainly not of my nobility,
(blows loudly into a hanky)
Farielle: (flabbergasted) Estel
wished you as his bride?
Arwen: (shocked) Shh… someone
might hear you outside,
Farielle: (eyes taking an unladylike
hardness) Hear me now, daughter of Celebrian,
you cannot love the Edain,
Arwen: (snorts) Who speaks of
love, Farielle,
his mouth is foul, not like a spell,
A man, or elf, in pursuit should be noble,
and do more than put bread on the table,
he must constantly tell me of his devotion,
and fill conversations of his emotion,
Farielle : (relieved) Of price
that one should pay,
Oh, Elrond should send him away!
Arwen : Nay, yea, nay, let him be,
Let’s observe the boundaries of his
idiocy,
We shall string him up like a puppet
show,
And when his confidence in me grow,
Crush him beneathe our noble feet,
And let the wolf consume the sheep!
Farielle: (hesitating) Is it not
too cruel a price?
For his crime is merely a love to high
Arwen: (snorting)He brought me
woe from his impertinence!
That is enough burden of substance!
Farielle: But milady, milady, our true
intent,
from your father’s ears to prevent,
this news to spread beyond our lands,
and incite laughter as nothing else can!
Should we continue playing this game,
What is we fail the lion to tame?
Arwen: Me, fail to tame the lion’s
dance?
I’ll bend his will and break his lance,
I’ll make him beg and his knees bent,
My favors kings and princes attempted,
to win but failed for my charm undimmed,
will haunt him and reign with feeling,
let him come and let him beg,
I wait, entice until his old age,
when mortal gift will claim his life,
when he but gave up on unending tries,
then will I leave him to his peace,
6 feet under, below the trees!
Farielle: (shocked) Milady,
milady, have care what you speak,
Without Numenor’s heir, the future is
bleak,
His people he must lead,
oh, my lady do not make him wilt,
for the flower of Edain has not bloomed,
And make it not die too soon!
Arwen: Then he should’ve sought another,
where his affections are hungered.
A/N : I’m taking for granted that
brothers, especially twin brothers would play a menace upon elder or younger
siblings. After all, mine (although not twins and are in fact girls) did!
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