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Title: One day in English class (#2887)
Author: Dragontamer77
Chapters: 4

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Archive: Tolkien
Category: Alternate Universe (AU)
Description: Three friends unexpectedly find themselves in Middle Earth. Why? And How? #Hey guys! I have updated it#
Published: 14 Aug 2006
Updated: 30 Aug 2006
Warnings: none
Type: Humour
Characters: fellowship;Britt;Max;Erik


Chapter 1 - What?

All the characters you don’t recognize are my own creation, all those that you do belong to the master, Tolkien. Max, Erik, and Britt are fictional, but their personalities are modeled after friends of mine.
This is my first fanfic, so it’s a little rough. Please leave me some reviews, thanks! Updates soon!
e-mail- Equigal234@wmconnect.com

~’ All that is gold does not glitter, all who wander are not lost.’~ J.R.R. Tolkien

“Oh-my-god!!!” I gasped as I saw the blade at my neck. Two blades actually, and a extremely hot guy with pointed ears at the other end of those blades. “Who the hell are you?” I practically screamed at him. Did I ever tell you I don’t react well under pressure? No? Well I FREAKIN’ DON’T!!! One minute I enduring a boring(but completely safe) English lecture with my three friends, the next I was staring at a the guy with the swords. God, this was so not my day. This guy was looking at me like I had grown wings or something, didn’t they realize he was the one who looked like he had just walked right out of some fairy tale?


~*~
Midgets. Everywhere. As far as the eye could see. Super, I had died and gone to Midget Heaven. Wasn’t this just peachy. I had always known Mrs. Allen’s English lessons would kill me one day. But c’mon, wholesome foods-Midget-heaven? I was five 8’ and my obsession with junk foods was a sickness. But here I am, lying in a patch of marigolds( I think, but I’ve failed botany twice now.).
A fat one was staring at me like I was the devil incarnate. Little bugger. “Mister Frodo!!” The fat guy said, wielding a spade like it was a baseball bat. Frodo, now that was a familiar name. A pop star, maybe? Nah, couldn‘t be. “There’s a……..”
He looked at me funny for a minute. Stupid little twerp. “ big folk in the garden.”

~*~

Okay, so I’d skipped school to go ride my horse. Big deal! God didn’t have to ditch me in the middle of nowhere. Well actually this was pretty cool. I had found a huge expanse of fields perfect for galloping to run through. Maybe God should ditch me more often, this was so much better than a lecture from Mrs. Allen. I nudged my little quarter horse mare, Mocha, into a all out gallop. She shot off like a bullet the wind whipping back my hair. I whooped and punched the air with a fist, crouching low over Mocha’s neck and laughing like a maniac. Max and Erik were such freakin’ suckers. They were probably sitting in class, bored out of there minds, wishing they were anywhere but at school. I ran right under a bunch of gorgeous trees, laughing hysterically as I thought of my friends.
A bunch of guys surrounded me, guys with hoods. I was so hallucinating. Normal, everyday, history-induced, hallucinations. No big deal, I slowed Mocha to a dead stop. Either a hallucination or the trekkie’s were on the prowl.
“Look, guys. I thought we talked about this, star trek is not my thing.” I smiled, holding up my hands to ward off any objections from the geeks.
“What is your purpose in these lands, girl? Asked a commanding voice to my right. I turned to see this red head guy glaring at me. Wow, he was kinda’ cute, maybe I was into star trek after all.
“Uh……riding my horse?” I tried, watching the cute dude and giving him a winning smile.
“You are forbidden to trespass on these lands.” The guy drew a sword, a real one. Crap.

To be continued……
I apologize for the short first chapter, more soon.


Chapter 2 - Take a deep breath...

Okay, so maybe I could handle this. Riding a horse, meeting a elf after falling out of the sky; a day in the life of Max. I was sitting behind the saddle, an arm hooked around Legolas’s waist so I didn’t fall and get trampled to bits under the horses hooves. Okay, fine, I was clinging for dear life to Legolas; my teeth clenched. I really had never given much Britt much credit for the horse back riding thing. This horse back riding thing was way harder than it looked.
“We are passing out of my realm and into the Wilder lands.” He said turning to look at me with those stunning blue eyes. “We are a league or so from Old ford.”
“Uh….yeah….cool…” Whatever that meant. “Where are we going again?”
“Rivendell, the last homely house; west of the Misty Mountains.” There was a pause as I watched him with a blank look on my face..
“Right…..so mountains?” Legolas gave me another look and raised an eyebrow. The look people give you when you ask a really stupid question. “Yes, Mountains. Or rather, a mountain range.” He said.
Alright, a mountain range. Gee, that really explained a lot. I wracked my brains for anything with the words ‘range’. The tune for ‘Home on the Range’ instantly popped into my head. I groaned and tried to remember basic Geography. Nope. Nothing. Zilch.

~*~
“So…you’re a whasit?” I asked rubbing my head where I’d smacked it on the rafters for the forty second time.
“A hobbit.” Frodo pointed to himself and then to his feet, looking a little annoyed. Call me slow, but I was still trying to digest the loss of cable television and popcorn.
“So, you’re a hobbit and your name is Frodo. Got it. I’m Erik, a human.” The guy was still looking at me like I belonged in a place with padded walls and a tight fitting straight jacket.
“Yes, you told me that….”
“Sorry, dude. I’m just making sure.” A touched the tip of my ears, my hair. I was normal, completely normal. I went to stand up and hit my head, swearing like a sailor.
“Fuck!!” I snarled, and kicked wall. I howled in pain and grabbed my right foot, my eyes watering. I sat down in the little living room and watched Frodo rubbing his temples like he had a migraine.
“Stay here. I have errands I have to run.” He went to open the little circular door, but I grabbed his shoulder.
“Man, my mom is the only one who ever grounds me. Got that?”
“Fine.” He sighed. “Are you hungry?”
“Starving, got any Yodels?” I asked as we walked out into the sunlit path. Frodo stared at me with his little blue eyes, giving me a hopeless look. “Little Debbie?” I prompted. “Creamy, chocolaty, full of saturated fat?”
“No.” He said stiffly and walked ahead, trying to distance himself from me
“Granola? Brownies?”
“No.”
“Bread?” I tried, thinking of the most simple food possible.
“Yes, and beer. Vegetables, straw berries and cream; good food.”
“Yes! Score!” I punched the air with a fist. “Bring on the cream!”
I thought I saw a smile sneak across Frodo’s face as we walked down to the road.

~*~

“We mean you know harm….” Faramir started, he looked a little guilty as about six guys tried to hold me down. I was screaming bloody murder as they flipped me on my stomach, tying my wrists behind my back. I kicked one of them in the face, blood poured from his nose and he swore. I was using every swear word known to man, stringing them together in a catchy tune. “Stay still!” Faramir said firmly, tone worried but adamant.
“Bite me!” I shouted at him and kicked another guy in the face. Suddenly, he kneeled beside me and touched my forehead. I fought off drowsiness still swearing like loudly. A voice……..someone telling me to sleep………I kicked weakly.
“No…gerroff….” I moaned and fell asleep.


Chapter 3 - Troubles & Strawberries

“I’m going to wake up safe in bed.” I told my self between mouthful’s of what tasted like a giant, low sodium, Ritz cracker. Legolas wrestled it out of my hand, casting me a amazed look.
“Hey! I wasn’t finished with that!” I snapped watching him finish the rest of my giant cracker.
“You ate enough for twelve grown men!” He argued. “This is lembas, one small bite is enough to full the stomach of a man and sustain him over a long days hike!”
I glared at him in what I hoped was a threatening look. Like the one your parents give you when you try and argue something that’s a mute point. “I’m still hungry.” I said stoic, watching him pack away the cracker things.
“Then forage, is that so hard?” He shot me a glare. I opened my mouth to argue, then thought better of it.
“Fine! You know what? I’ll go find my own food!” I hissed, arms crossed over my chest.
“That’s what forage is….” He sighed from behind me.
“Yeah? Well….I knew that!!” I spat as I stomped from the campfire. How dare he!! Correct me, tell me that I was eating to much?! I grumbled, mimicking his prance and tone of voice. I sat down on a fallen log, irritated and annoyed. He thought he was all that, with his goofy pointed ears, and his bow and crap! I took a deep breath, inhaling and exhaling. Then I smiled, envisioning Erik was sitting beside me. He would have a never ending supply of Yodels in his back pocket, he would walk up sit beside me, take one look at my attempt to calm myself; and strike a Buddha pose.
But Erik wasn’t here, and I was completely alone; except for Legolas, but he didn’t really count. Not yet, anyway. Erik would be sitting in front of his computer, Little Debbie Swiss Cakes in hand, playing some massive online video game. I smiled, I was probably just dreaming I would wake up, happy and safe. But some how, I knew it wasn’t a dream. It was too vivid, too elaborate, too pure to be any kind of dream of mine. If I was here, who else was? Or maybe this was my own private torture, but I hoped not. It was so much easier to face a new evil with Erik there to laugh and Britt there to swear and hit him.

~*~

Everything was so cool!! I mean despite the loss of all that was meaningful and full of artificial sweeteners, this place rocked! It was like Final Fantasy Online, it was awesome. I could talk freely to these hobbits about food, which was something Max and Britt hated. When I said something about food, they just complained about being fat. ‘Erik, does my butt look big in these jeans?’ ‘Erik, I feel fat.’ It was more trouble then it was worth!
“Erik!” Merry hiccupped and pointed to my food.
“My strawberries!!” I cried, horrified. Pippin was smirking, he had wolfed them all down while I wasn’t looking. “That’s like…I dunno…the fifteenth time! How many strawberries can one hobbit eat?” Pippin and Merry gave each other a knowing look and clinked their mugs together, slopping a little amber ale over the brim.
“To strawberries!” Pippin called, raising his cup.
“To strawberries!” Shouted the hobbits, Frodo laughing. Sam was staring at something, a goofy grin on his face. A waved a hand in front of his eyes, he didn’t even blink. “Uh…Frodo?”
“No.”
“No what?”
“Strawberries.”
“Its about Sam!” I said, a little hurt. I pointed to Sam, eyes fixed on something in the distance.
“Oh, see the hobbit maid over in the corner there?”
“Yeah…” I said slowly, not quite sure what the little guy was getting at.
“Her name is Rosy Cotton, and Sam..” He gestured with his head to Sam. “finds her attractive.” I stared at him blankly, what was he talking about?
“Pretty.” Frodo tried.
“Oh, he thinks she’s hot!” Now it was Frodo’s turn to give me a blank stare. Merry and Pippin leapt onto the table top, singing drunkenly and laughing.
“Guys? How are you going to get home after you drank that much?” I watched them drain their mugs of ale again and again.
“We don’t!!!” They said in unison laughing as they stumbled around. This was going to be a long night.

~*~
I woke up to a blinding light, shut my eyes and blinked. The moon. Bright and full, like a diamond in the indigo night, thousands of stars dancing around its orb; like its little muses. Faramir had tied me to
Mocha’s saddle as we galloped through the night. He had her reins in one hand, his left hand steering his own mount. I sat up and wiggled, yawning like a cat.
“Where are we?” I asked, glaring at him to show that I still hadn’t forgotten the sleeping thing.
“Crossing out of Gondor and into the Eastfold of Rohan.”
“What? Would you just tell me where we are?”
“We are journeying to Rohan because that is the direction from which you rode out.”
“How long is that going to take?” I asked wanting to get away from him as soon as possible. I wiggled my wrists out of their ties, careful not to let him see.
“A days ride, we should be in Edoras by midmorning of the coming day. That is where you shall stay.”
“Stay? I don’t want to stay any where. Look, just let me free and I’ll--”
“Get yourself killed.” He finished, staring at me in amazement. “Did your parents never teach you what dangers lurk in these plains?”
“Nope. But my Dad taught me this-”I rammed my head into his face, yanking the reins out of his grip. I rammed my heels into the mares sides, throwing myself onto her neck. “GO!!” I screamed at the top of my lungs. She took of, fast. Blindingly fast, changing gears right from zero to a hundred in a millisecond. I really had no idea where I was or what was going on, but I was getting out of here. And yes, I am the queen of bad, split second decisions. I didn’t know really how bad it was until I heard the growling sound. Until she spooked, the horses body jerking sideways, my stomach lurched. I was thrown out of the saddle and
to the ground, hitting my side and landing hard. Ouch.
I coughed, pushing myself up onto my knees and wincing. There was that growling sound, somewhere to my right. I looked up, and instantly wished I hadn’t. A ugly, smelly, filthy thing was growling at me. Kind of reminded me of the junkyard dog at home, but bigger. I mean way, way bigger; like the size of a small car. I giggled as my limbs turned to jelly. I tried to remember that special on E.R. about dog attacks. Blankity blank. Something about movement…..? Don’t move? Run for your life? Something about trying to look bigger and more threatening. I stood up slowly, and it growled again. Ah, screw it, time to run for my life.


Chapter 4 - *Sigh*

I was trying desperately to resist the urge to hum ’On The Road Again’ as the horse picked its way up a steep slope. I was still giving Legolas the silent treatment, which wasn’t working because he hadn’t said anything to me since last night. I had considered bugging the hell out of him with incessant questions, but settled for silently brooding over the entire situation. I obviously hadn’t woke up in bed and if I pinched myself it hurt. That was the extent of my scientific observation. I hadn’t tried flying yet, under the assumption that if I pinched myself and it hurt, it would really, really hurt when I crash landed. If I crash landed. I have to admit the flying prospect was tempting, but not that tempting.
“There is a pass up ahead, it is by far the shortest route to Rivendell.”
“So…why are we going there again?” I asked, forgetting my vow of silence.
“There is talk of strange happenings, important happenings. My father, Thranduil King of Mirkwood, requests that I be a messenger to Rivendell.”
“Yeah, My dad sends me out to pick up milk and eggs sometimes.” I said trying to make small talk. Hey, silence was boring!
“Where are your parents?” Asked Legolas, turning to watch me.
“At work.” I said automatically, as if it were obvious.
“How did you get into Mirkwood?” He asked, slowly, like I was either stupid or incredibly brave. To me, stupid and brave were one in the same. Brave people are too stupid to be scared. So, I was a little annoyed.
“Damned if I know…”I muttered, brushing a little horse hair off my tang top. “So what’s Rivendell like?” I changed the subject, not in the mood to talk about my mysterious where abouts.
So everything sort of went on like this, me asking stupid questions and him answering.
“How old are you?” I asked as we walked along the path, loose stones scattering under the horses hooves.
“Five hundred.” He said thoughtfully. “But I have long since ceased counting.”
I laughed and smiled, giving him a friendly punch on the shoulder. Wow, so this stiff really did have a sense of humor!
“No, really, I’m serious.”
“So am I.”

~*~

I yawned, stretching and rolling right off the table and onto something squishy and bony.
“Yah!!” I shouted, leaping to my feet. Pippin rolled on his back and groaned, rubbing his eyes.
“Watcha yelling for, Erik?” Merry grumbled from behind me, he sounded like a guy who had gone without his Monday morning dose of caffeine. Poor little hobbits, soda and coffee hadn’t been developed yet.
“Where’s Frodo?”
“Dunno…”Pippin murmured from around my ankles. “Somewhere.…” He mumbled, getting to his feet.
“I hate Mondays.” I muttered, trying to joke with them. They just grunted and stumbled out the door. Right, Garfield jokes, definitely out for the Sunday-comic-challenged hobbits. I followed them out, missing my comic books terribly. I stumbled out into the bright sunlight, rubbing sleep from my eyes.
“Think we missed second breakfast?” Pippin asked, yawning.
“You guys have a second breakfast?” I asked, amazed.
“Oh yes, we have a second breakfast, we have…” Merry began to name the various hobbit meals as I drooled. Now, these people knew how to live!

~*~

Crap. Hell. I was going to die swearing and running from a huge, monstrous, ugly creature. When your about to die, everything really snaps right back at you. Like how I giggled madly in near death situations. The last one had been a car accident, this was a tad more serious, but I was still laughing and running my guts out. I guess that’s why they called it a adrenalin rush. I mean, things like who was the they who called it adrenalin rush? Why were they elected to name all the god forsaken human rushes and highs? I mean couldn’t I, the one who was experiencing this adrenalin rush….
“Faramir!“ I shouted, mucho worried as the thing was now following me. No way, could I outrun something that was that fast! Not even a horse could manage that, and I wasn’t exactly the track team champion. Not even close, more like the drag-your-utterly-exhausted-butt around the last lap. I ran like a Olympian, jumping over a knoll and dashing under a cliff. I was running myself ragged, I couldn’t keep this up for much longer. But god, no way was I going to let this thing get me without a fight. Even if it ended up being a rather short, painful, and grisly fight.
It over took me, and I was praying it would just keep running. It didn’t. Instead, it swerved to face me, licking its chops like your dog does when it sees you dangling a steak in front of it. It growled and stared at me, tongue lolling out between canines the size of my pinkie finger. I hate dogs. I always have, ever since my step mothers Chihuahua bit me. Which, I’m telling you, was a long time ago. When I was like, I dunno, five? I have been a faithful cat person ever since, god have mercy on the next Chihuahua that dare so much as yip in my presence.
This thing could have eaten every damn Chihuahau on earth and still have room for a horse or two. Plus, it didn’t strike me like it was going to drop kick as easy as a Chihuahua, either. I love you god, I’m sorry I keep using your name in vain, please save me. I promise I’ll never drop kick another Chihuahua, unless it bites me….I thought as the giant hell hound raced for me. I closed my eyes and took a deep breath.
So this is how it ends, eaten by a giant- I nearly screamed as a arm encircled my waist and yanked me onto the back of a horse. We were galloping at a amazing speed, bolting speed. Oh, god. I would have burst into tears if I wasn’t laughing my head off.
“We’re going to DIE!!” I laughed like a maniac as I shouted the obvious into the starry night.
“Silence.” Faramir snapped in my ear, as the horse charged for a rocky outcropping. The thing was behind us, snarling like something from Resident Evil. I giggled, tears leaking from the corners of my eyes. And if I wasn’t mistaken, that rocky out cropping was a-you guessed it- a drop off.
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