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Title: What's up with Hermione? (#3288)
Author: BellemaineChercoeur
Chapters: 2

Archive: Harry Potter
Category: Alternate Universe
Description: A midnight conversation in the Gryffindor seventh year boys’ dorm room regarding "what’s up with Hermione?" Strong H/S overtones. It’s an attempt at a comic piece. All dialogue, and now AU written prior to Half Blood Prince - not that this would ever happen anyway!
Published: 28 Jan 2007
Updated: 28 Jan 2007
Warnings: Attempt at Humour....
Type: Humour
Characters: Hermione Granger; Severus Snape, Harry; Ron


Chapter 1 - What's up with Hermione?

Disclaimer: Harry Potter, Ron Weasley, Hermione Granger, Severus Snape and everyone you recognise in this world belong to J. K. Rowling, who is most definitely one of the most influential and popular writers walking the earth at this moment. This work means no infringement, and no profit will be made, and believe me I will be buying any further publications that JK and Bloomsbury publish regarding Harry. Roll on Volume 5!

Title: What’s up with Hermione? 1/1

Author: Bellemaine Chercoeur

Email: bellemainec@yahoo.com

********

"Hey, Harry, you awake?"

"No."

"C’mon Harry, you awake or not?"

"Ron, if I were asleep I’d hardly be answering now would I?"

"I just didn’t want to wake you, that’s all."

"I am not even going to comment on that display of logic, Ron!"

"Sorry."

"Mumph."

"Anyway, I was thinking….."

"Do you have to? Right now? In the middle of the bloody night after Christmas?’

"This is important, Harry."

"Alright then. I’m up. I’m listening. This better be good."

"Well I was just wondering……"

…..

"Ron, I swear if you do not say something intelligent in the next five seconds I am going to come over there and thump you."

"Alright alright, keep your shirt on! I am just trying to think of the best way…… Ok. I’ll say it straight out. Do you think Hermione is in love with someone?"

"Hermione?"

"Yep."

"In love?"

"Yep."

"Not that I have noticed."

"No offence, Harry, but your not noticing that someone is in love does not inspire me with confidence."

"What are you blathering about?"

"Sorry. Not my secret to tell. Anyway, Hermione, do you think she is at least romantically interested in someone?"

"Ron?"

"Yes?"

"Are you in love with Hermione?"

"Bloody hell."

"Because, if you are, I just want to say that I think you would be perfect together. You two are my best friends. All that fighting, all that teasing, I knew it was just sexual tension."

"Harry!"

"Of course, this will mean that you two will want some privacy now and again. No worries, Ron, I can take a hint, all you need to say is sorry Harry time for a snogging session."

"Shut up Harry! I am not in love with Hermione! There is no tension, sexual or otherwise between us. There will be no snogging sessions between Hermione and me!"

"Oh."

"Yeah."

"Ron, are you trying to tell me that Hermione is in love with me? Because if you are…"

"Oh for the bloody love of Merlin. I am not trying to tell you that Hermione is in love with you."

"Oh."

"So, have you given any thought to the possibility that Hermione is in love with someone?"

"Not until you mentioned it, but now that you have…."

"Exactly. Answers a lot of questions, don’t you think?"

"What, like where she has been sneaking off to in the middle of the night, why she is always so tired, why she jumps whenever we ask her if she is feeling all right, why she looked like she had been crying last week even though she denied it? And why she sometimes has that dreamy expression like she is thinking of something lovely?"

"Yeah."

"I think you might be right, Ron. Hermione is in love! Who with though?"

"You are not going to like it. I had enough trouble with the concept myself, but it’s the only thing that makes sense. It is the only reason I can think of why she wouldn’t tell us about it. I think she is having a love affair with Draco Malfoy."

"No!"

"Yes!"

"Well, it would explain why she hasn’t said anything to us, and it would explain why she was wearing that silver serpent necklace thing yesterday."

"Honestly, I don’t know how either of you managed to make it to seventh year! Hermione is not seeing Draco Malfoy, Lavender is!"

"Neville, you awake?"

"No, Weasley I am sleep talking because it is so easy to sleep through all the noise you two are making. Are you both blind?"

"Well, who else would Hermione be in love with?"

"I’ve got a good mind to not tell you, and just let you ask her tomorrow…..sorry later this morning. Although, can I ask you to do it at breakfast, because I so want to see the look on your faces as she zaps you both with some nasty curse!"

"You know who it is, don’t you Neville?"

"Course I do. Everyone knows now. A few of us suspected it before the Yule Ball yesterday, but the Mistletoe did confirm things."

"There was mistletoe? And Hermione?"

"Taliesin, how did you two ever get the reputation as saviours of Hogwarts? I know your members of the Order of the Phoenix, but even so!"

"How did you know about the Order of the Phoenix?"

"Ron, please. My parents were aurors, and my grandmother knows Professor McGonagall from her schooldays. I’ve known about the Order of the Phoenix since the time I was a baby; Gran told me everything about it since the time of Grindelwald. Besides, Dumbledore has been using most of the seventh years as scouts for information. We know most of what you three have been doing; how else do you think we have been covering for you with the rest of the younger ones?"

"Wow."

"Why didn’t you ever ask your parents, Ron? Molly and Arthur Weasley are legendary for some of the missions they got up to!"

"My Mum and Dad?"

"Yes. Now go to sleep."

……

"Well done, Neville. You nicely diverted us from the question of who Hermione is involved with. And the mistletoe."

"Glad that you noticed!"

"Tell us!"

"Stop whining. There is no way I am going to spoil her fun. You’ll find out at breakfast."

"Tell us!"

"No."

"Please?"

"No."

"Come on."

"No."

"hmsdlpfkopdgj."

‘Neville, you hexed him!"

"I need sleep."

"Neville!"

"I’ll hex you too Ron."

"Night Neville."

"Oh alright. Do you promise not to overreact?"

"I promise!

"MUMPH!"

"Ok. Finis incantatum. I’ll give you five clues, and you will have to guess. Hermione is involved with someone from another House."

"I knew she would end up with a Ravenclaw, she is too smart for anyone else."

"He’s not in Ravenclaw."

"C’mon Neville, he must be. All the Hufflepuff’s are taken, except for creepy Sean Douglas who belongs in Slytherin."

"It’s not Sean Douglas."

"It’s not…it’s not a girl is it?"

"Yes, Ron it is a girl. Obviously, it was all part of a devious plan for me to constantly refer to the person Hermione is involved with as he or him, just to hide from you the fact that the he is really a girl. Wrong. He is a male."

"Sorry."

"Try and use the brain you were born with."

"Bloody hell, Ron! He must be in Slytherin."

"I think you’re right, Harry. That means only one thing."

"Yep. Our Hermione is in love with Crabbe."

"Hermione is not in love with Crabbe."

"Not Goyle!"

"Or Goyle."

"Not.."

"For pity’s sake, Neville, tell them before they list everyone in Slytherin! Then we can get some sleep!"

"You know too, Seamus? Don’t tell me that Harry and I are the only ones who don’t know?"

"Well it certainly seems that way. Could it possibly be that Hermione did not want to tell you because she thought that you would overreact?"

"Hey, if he makes Hermione happy, that’s all I care about. But, if he is in Slytherin, I don’t know how you can possibly say that he would make her happy? I mean, a Slytherin?"

"Harry, try and think really really hard. Neville gave you his five clues, and all you managed to get out of it was that Hermione was definitely in love with a male from Slytherin. Now picture Hermione. Now think of Slytherin House. Who from Slytherin could possibly measure up intellectually to our Hermione? Now think even harder and try and work out why Hermione, the same Hermione who has never run from anything in her life, has not mentioned this mystery guy to you."

"Oh my."

"Congratulations Ron Weasley."

"Oh my."

"Who is it Ron?"

"Never mind, Harry. Try and get some sleep, I am sure that it will sound better in the morning."

"Ron if you do not tell me this instant who Hermione is involved with, I swear that I will set fire to your blankets."

"Itssnape."

"Huh?"

"It’ssnape."

"Come again?"

"Harry Potter, I am happy to tell you that Hermione Granger is in love with Professor Severus Snape. And by all accounts, it seems that he is in love with her as well. Seamus lock that door!"

"Now Harry put the wand down. Neville and I don’t want to do anythin drastic, and Ron seems to be taking the news ok."

"That may only be because my head imploded at the thought of Hermione, Snape and mistletoe."

"Shut up Ron. Now Harry, if you think about it, it’s not that bad!"

"That dirty, slimy rat bastard. He’s taken advantage of her! Hermione would never get involved with a teacher, he must have used a spell of some kind. And he’s a Death Eater! He’s nowhere near good enough for Hermione. And, he is old enough to be her Father."

"Harry, almost every single one of those comments is beneath you."

"Don’t you try and tell me that the thought of Snape touching Hermione doesn’t make your skin crawl."

"For Merlin’s sake, Harry, please just think about it. Yes Severus Snape was a Death Eater. I don’t know why he joined them, but he did realise that what he had done was wrong. He turned back to us, do you really think that Dumbledore would not only have helped him turn double agent, but also allowed him to teach here at Hogwarts unless Snape was fundamentally a good, decent and honourable man?"

"Neville, was Snape a Death Eater?"

"Yes Seamus, he was but he turned spy against Voldemort the first time around."

"Wow, I never knew that. How did all you guys know that?"

"Dumbledore told us after Cedric was killed. And you Neville?"

"My grandmother told me. She was at the trials. Now if you don’t mind, I was saying that at great personal risk Sever Snape turned spy for us, a role that he has kept up all this time. Even if he does feel guilty, and this helps him lift some of that guilt, he still did it. Harry, you and Ron have fought beside him for the last three years, you have both been working towards the same goal. He’s on our side, and it’s not fair to ignore everythign he has done for us. As for enchanting Hermione, don’t you think that Dumbledore would have been aware of something like that? This is not the first time that a student teacher relationship has ever happened at this school, so these love affairs are always weighed carefully, not only by the two people involved but also the school itself. Hermione is one of the most mature people I know, she has always been intellectually ahead of all of us, and over the past three years we have all been forced to grow up. There is a war on you know. Yes he is older than her, but it’s her choice, Harry. She was the one who threw herself at him under the mistletoe, and she was the one who announced to everyone within twenty feet that she was in love with him. The way he looked at her, I think he really loves her."

"That proves it, Hermione would never do something like that, not in public."

"Um, Harry remember the time I realised that someone was trying to kill you during the Triwizard Tournament? Hermione kissed us and cried then in public."

"That’s jut because she was glad that we weren’t fighting any more."

"And now she’s in love. And she’s happy. And you will not spoil this for her."

"Was that a threat, Seamus?"

"Oh don’t be a prat Harry. Seamus is right. If Hermione is happy, surely that’s all that matters."

…

"Yes I suppose it is."

"I’m glad you finally answered, I thought you might have fallen asleep."

"Yeah, yeah. I’m not happy about this. I really do not know if I am ok with this. But, so long as Hermione is happy, I’ll see. And if he hurts her, I’ll kill him."

"Yes, we;;. I think there may be a line of people waiting to help you with that. If it happens; at this point she seems to be deliriously happy. Just talk to her about it tomorrow, hey? Let her explain it all."

"Righto. Harry and I will talk to her, and if he has taken advantage of her, I’ll smuggle a mad hippogriff inot the dungeons."

"Thanks Ron, I know we can always count on you to remain levelheaded. Now, can we all go to sleep please? Some of us would like to have had some rest tonight."

"Good night all."

"Night."

"Night."

"Thank you."

…

"Hey Seamus, you awake?"

"Just. They asleep?’

"Well Harry is."

"Yep, Ron is too."

"Neville do you really believe what you said?"

"Yes. And no. I mean, I haven’t spoken to Hermione about it, but it seems right. And she looks happy."

"Yeah. They kinda…fit."

"Precisely. Hey, Seamus, what do you reckon that by the time they wake up tomorrow they will have managed to cinvnce themselves this was all some weird dream, or an early April Fool’s Day joke?"

"I would not be surprised."

"Breakfast should be good. Of course, I am really looking forward to seeing their faces when they realise what that rock on Hermione’s left hand really means!"

Finis.


Chapter 2 - Breakfast at Hogwaarts

A/N: Continuation of the story begun in "What's up with Hermione?" The dialogue style continues, and the following people on the "cast list" make appearances. Cast List for this Chapter (In order of appearance):
Pansy Parkinson
Draco Malfoy
Blaise Zabini
Professor Snape
... represents a moment of silence.

"Darling, do you think those idiots have worked it out yet?"

"Potter, you mean?"

"Draco Darling. Potter or Weasley, I think they may be interchangeable."

"Don't be stupid Pansy, Weasley could never be seen as anything but a Weasley with that hair!"

"You know, Weasley didn't grow up too bad. I mean, he's obviously not in the same league as you, my darling, but he is almost presentable at times. Unlike Potter, who I swear has never used a comb in his life!"

"Well of course not, Pansy. Harry Potter can't use a comb because that would draw attention to his scar. Haven't you worked it out yet? Half of Harry's charm is that he cloaks his identity in mystery. He is the image of his Father, yet he hides the scar that is his most prominent and widely recognised identifying feature. So people are left with that sense of something familiar, something almost recognised, but not quite grasped at the time. It's only later that people realise that yes, that was the famous Harry Potter, and thus the legend grows."

"Been reading the restricted section volumes of Jung again, have you Zabini?"

"Tell me I'm wrong, Draco, and I'll admit it."

"Shut up Blaise."

"Witty comeback."

"Poor Draco. Are you still upset because Professor Snape did not take you into his confidence?"

"Zabini, I swear, I'll..."

"You'll what? Tell Pater Malfoy that nasty old Zabini said mean things to you again? I don't think so. Anyway, I would assume that Pater Malfoy would be more upset that you did not inform him of this rather more important development regarding our Head of House."

"Shut up Zabini, you don't know what you are talking about."

"Yes, I suppose it is possible that I am incorrect. It is also possible that Longbottom will top the class in Potions this year, yet somehow I do not see it happening. Believe me, Draco, your Father will be considerably more interested in the fact that you neglected to tell him that Hermione Granger and Professor Snape are engaged."

"Until I hear it from Professor Snape himself, I will not believe that he intends to marry that mudblood!"

"Temper temper, Malfoy. Although I do believe that you may get your wish sooner, rather than later. Good morning, Professor."

"Zabini. Mr Malfoy, I believe that you will be attending detention this evening at five o'clock in the Potions classroom. Do not be late."

"But....but Professor Snape, I have Quidditch practice tonight."

"Really? Loath though I am to endanger the chances of Slytherin gaining Cup points, believe me Mr Malfoy, you will be attending detention this evening."

"Professor I have not done anything wrong!"

"Really? Is that so?"

"I'll make sure he gets there Professor."

"Keep your nose out of my business Pansy!"

"Mister Malfoy. I will have all Slytherins treat each other with civility if not respect. Apologise."

....

"Now."

"My apologies, Pansy. I do not know what came over me. It must have been the shock of discovering your new.....hobby, Professor."

"I am disappointed. Of all the material you had to work with, is that the best you could do Mister Malfoy? Cunning and ambition will only get you so far; intelligence and wit are talents to be cultivated. Never tell a direct lie to the person involved in the apology, Malfoy. It goes beyond stupidity and is, quite simple, tacky."

"Yes Professor."

"Morning, Slytherins."

"Morning, Professor."

"Father will be very interested in this insult."

"Insult? Only you would take advice from our Head of House to be an insult. Besides, how precisely do you intend to tell your Father about it? 'Father, Professor Snape said I had no intelligence or wit, just because he caught me calling his fiancee a Mudblood. Oh and Daddy Dearest, by the way, Professor Snape is engaged to marry said Mudblood Hermione Granger! Sorry! Didn't I mention?'"

"One day, Zabini, you will go to far."

"And shall you have your vengeance, Malfoy? I look forward to it!"

"Shhh, both of you! Here's Granger! I do believe Weasley has turned green! And Potter looks like he might lose his pumpkin juice all over the table!"

"Well, I suppose this shall be very memorable. Make sure you remember everything for your owl home to Daddy Dearest, Draco."

(Gryffindor Table)

"Morning everyone!"

"Morning Hermione."

"Would you like some toast?"

"Yes thanks Seamus, that would be lovely."

"Are you ok, Ron? You are looking a little green around the gills."

"I'm fine."

"You sure? What do you think, Harry? Harry? Engorgio! Here Harry, use this bowl if you think you're going to throw up."

......

"What is the matter with you two?"

.......

"Harry and Ron had some unexpected news last night, Hermione. They found it a bit disturbing."

"What?"

"You...you....."

" Me? What? What about me?"

"Where the hell did you get that ring?"

"Oh."

"They didn't know, Hermione. Seamus and I had to tell them last night."

"Oh."

"How the bloody hell could you do this, Hermione? What the hell is up with you? Bloody Severus Snape of all people? How can you even bear to be near him?"

"Oh, I say Harry that was uncalled f... Neville, grab her other arm. She got him a right good one, look at that handprint! I'm amazed he is still standing."

"He won't be standing long after I get my hands on him. Let me go!"

"Now, Hermione, calm down, I am sure he didn't mean it, it was just the shock talking."

"I meant every bloody word, Neville! It's obscene! It's perverted. Ron, tell her!"

"Hermione, however did you..... I mean, Snape?"

"However did I what? Fall in love with Severus? Spend time with him? Agree to marry him?"

"YOU AGREED TO MARRY SNAPE?"

"Seamus, I reiterate. However did Harry Potter get a reputation for being a saviour of Hogwarts? Why else would she be wearing a ring? He constantly misses the obvious."

"Shush, Neville. Merlin, Hermione, you'll break a wrist if you keep that up!"

"Madam Pomfrey can mend bones easily enough. If all it takes is some beating about the head to knock sense and intelligence into Potter and Weasley, then I advise we leave her to it."

"I think the choice might be out of our hands, now Neville."

"Oh help."

"Indeed."

"Precisely what are you three Gryffindors playing at? This is the Great Hall of Hogwarts, not some wrestling ring. Is there a problem?"

"Should I say something, Neville?"

"Not unless you want your head bitten off. Hush!"

"Professor Snape, I was merely explaining a certain situation to my two fellow Gryffindors, Harry Potter and Ronald Weasley. It appears that they are unaware of certain developments involving the two of us that have occurred recently, and I was merely attempting to convince them of both my current state of happiness and disinclination to listen to attempts to convince me otherwise."

"I see."

"I had to Severus. They left me with no choice."

"So you thought that brawling publicly would be the most mature and effective way of dealing with the situation? I am disappointed in you."

.....

"Don't you take that tone with her! I don't know what you have done to make her think that she is in love with you, but I swear that I'll find out and report you to.......to....to the Ministry! There are rules about teachers and students, you know! If this were a Muggle school you would be jailed for touching her; I'm sure Azkaban would be glad to see you again!"

"Severus, unhand me at once!"

"Now, now, Hermione, must I repeat myself?"

"Severus, just once, please?"

"If you had followed through with that swing, my love, you would have given him a concussion, and definitely sprained that wrist. I have better plans for your hand."

"I wish I hadn't heard that. I so do not need that vision in my head for the rest of my life."

"I am just hoping he didn't hear you say that Seamus."

"Pray remove your mind from the gutter, Mr Finnegan. I was simply referring to our engagement portrait; the ring will of course be displayed prominently. It has been worn, after all, by every Snape bride for six centuries. I assure you, Mr Potter, that if this were a Muggle school, we would not be having this conversation, for you would have been expelled in your first year, a powerful Dark Sorcerer would not be harassing our students and world, and Hermione would have been streamed into a gifted students class and would currently be attending Oxford studying astrophysics! Although this is none of your concern, I assure you that..."

"Snape, if you have...."

"I advise you to choose your words, carefully, Potter. I will allow you some license in this matter, due to your obvious surprise, but believe me, you can only push me so far. I am reluctantly willing to discuss this matter with the three of you in private, but I will not tolerate any further public invasion of our privacy. I will expect the three of you in Dumbledore's office in ten minutes. Until then, there is nothing further to discuss. Do I make myself clear?"

"Yes Professor."

End.
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