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Title: Here Today (#380)
Author: Laiqalasse
Chapters: 2

Archive: Tolkien
Category: Lord of the Rings (Movieverse)
Description: Legolas copes with Haldir's death
Published: 29 Oct 2003
Updated: 29 Oct 2003
Warnings:
Type: Angst
Characters: Legolas; Haldir; Elladan; Elrohir


Chapter 1 - One

Disclaimer: Legolas and Haldir aren't mine. "Here Today" belongs to Paul McCartney

Author's Notes: Paul McCartney wrote this song after John Lennon died. I first heard it when he sang it on his "Back in the US" tour and I loved it. Such a simple song of friendship and I felt I could easily apply it to Legolas and Haldir without butchering the meaning and emotion behind it. I hope I don't anger anyone by taking such a personal song and applying it to fanfic. I am a *huge* Beatles fan and would *never* do anything that I thought was disrespectful to them.

This takes place after the War of the Ring when the Company, Elrond, Elladan and Elrohir, Galadriel and Celeborn (along with the Galadrim), Faramir, Arwen, Eomer (and the knights of Gondor), and Imrahil (*dreamy sigh*) journey together to Helm's Deep. This is a weird combo of book and movie-verse. Let's just say that the Galadrim did arrive in Helm's Deep, Aragorn and Arwen marry and the rest of them journey to Gondor to see the marriage. Obviously Haldir died at Helm's Deep in this (movie-verse) and the remaining Galadrim attended the wedding (book-verse). Anyone confused yet? Good!

Beta-read by TrinityC


****Here Today****

It is strange to be back here where so many beings died. Men, Uruk-hai, orcs and, tragically, Elves. Night is falling and I wander around the ruined fortress of Helm's Deep. Without realizing it I find myself in the spot where Aragorn held you through the last moments of your life. I sink to my knees and let my fingertips trail across the cold stone. Such a hard, cold place for you to die. You held such a bright light, it is obscene for you to have died here in the utter dark.

Tears spring to my eyes and I will them back. You would not want me to cry. You would say it is silly because although your physical body is dead, your spirit is not. You now roam the Halls of Mandos, and in time you may possibly enter Valinor.

**And if I say I really knew you well // What would your answer be? // If you were here today // Here today**

I suppose I knew you as well as anyone though we met so late in life. I wish that we had met long before the Company arrived in Lothlorien but apparently it wasn't meant to happen that way. If only I had known how short-lived our friendship would be... But then what would I have been able to do to prevent it?

**Well, knowing you // You'd probably laugh and say // That we were worlds apart // If you were here today // Here today**

We were so different, you and I. I am a young Prince, and when we met I was still innocent and inexperienced in life. I took joy in all things and had only recently been exposed to heart-ache and grief. You were older and jaded. You had seen many friends perish. You spent your life serving others. Yet somehow we understood each other so well.

**But as for me // I still remember how it was before // And I am holding back the tears no more // No no no // I love you**

You fought so bravely here, endangering yourself to protect a people and a land not your own. I was awed by your elegant grace even in the face of battle. But now I remember how you were when we were back in your home. You smiled and laughed, carefree, happy to show me around and delighted with my amazement of the Golden Wood. You loved spending time with me and I enjoyed being around you.

Tears leave wet streaks down my cheeks and I no longer fight them back. You took me under your wing and became the friend I desperately needed then and now. I love you but I never had the chance to tell you and even if I had, I don't know if I could have done it.

**What about the time we met? // Well I suppose that you could say // That we were playing hard to get // Didn't understand a thing // But we could always sing**

Our friendship solidified quickly, though it was forged slowly. There is no denying that you were arrogant and I was so used to distancing myself from the rest of the Fellowship that I tended to avoid everyone, including my cousins from Lorien. It was many, many days before we put aside our pride and allowed ourselves to become closer. When we first met we didn't understand each other. I thought you were cold and cruel and you probably thought much the same about me, but we were oddly intrigued by each other. Regardless, we still raised our voices in song together, for it was the one thing that we both obviously loved in common.

**What about the night we cried // Because there wasn't any reason left to keep it all inside? // Never understood a word // But you were always there with a smile**

You shared your talan with me while I stayed in Lorien for you knew I needed to be with my own kind. You graciously slept on the floor while allowing me to sleep in a soft bed for the first time since leaving Imladris. Twelve nights after my arrival in Lorien I finally broke down. The stress of being the eyes and ears of the Fellowship, the constant pull of the Ring, always being surrounded by beings that didn't understand me, and Mithrandir's death all overwhelmed me. You heard my muffled sobs and came to sit beside me on the bed. Without asking me a thing you held me and cried with me. You knew I needed the release and you needed it as well. The loss of Mithrandir affected all. When my tears finally dried up, you hugged me and gave me a rare genuine smile with no trace of your usual arrogance or condescension. You kissed my forehead and tucked me back into bed. Though you didn't wish me to know, you kept watch over me for the rest of the night.

**And if I say I really loved you // And was glad you came along // Then you were here today // For you were in my song // Here today**

It was painful saying goodbye to you when we departed Lorien for I didn't know if I would live to see you again. Ironic. You were the one who ended up dying on this mad quest. It would be easy to regret our friendship. I have felt so much pain because of it, but if I could do it all again I would chose the same path. Again I say that we only knew each other briefly but we were very close. I love you and am glad you were in my life, if only for such a short time.

My hair stirs against my neck and I close my eyes for it feels much like fingers brushing across the golden strands. In my mind's eye I see you standing behind me now, sliding your fingers through my hair and gazing down sadly upon me. I feel the fleetest of touches against my cheek and instinctively reach up to grasp your fingers which surely caressed my skin. I find only air and a soft sob wrenches from my throat as I realize what a fool I am. How could I have thought you were here, even momentarily? I know you're dead, that's why *I'm* here.

More salty tears splash onto the stone ground, consecrating the place where you died and I whisper Silvan* words of blessing before rising rather shakily to my feet and retreating back into the Deep, seeking the silent comfort of the twins. I will never forget you and I can only hope that we will meet again.

********

*Alright. We all know about Quenya and Sindarin. What not everyone knows is that there was at least one other form of Elvish. From FOTR, "Lothlorien": "There was a sound of soft laughter over their heads, and then another clear voice spoke in an elven-tongue. Frodo could understand little of what was said, for the speech that the Silvan folk east of the mountains used among themselves was unlike that of the West. Legolas looked up and answered in the same tongue."

Further explanation is found in ROTK appendix D: "The Elves far back in the Elder Days became divided into two main branches: the West-elves (the Eldar) and the East-elves. Of the latter kind were most of the elven-folk of Mirkwood and Lorien; but their languages do not appear in this history, in which all the Elvish names and words are of Eldarin form. Of the Eldarin tongues two are found in this book: the High-elven or Quenya, and the Grey-elven or Sindarin. The High-elven was an ancient tongue of Eldamar beyond the Sea, the first to be recorded in writing. It was no longer a birth-tongue, but had become, as it were, an 'Elven-latin', still used for ceremony, and for high matters of lore and song, by the High Elves, who had returned in exile to Middle-earth at the end of the First Age."

So it seems that the Elves of Mirkwood and Lothlorien spoke their own form(s) of Elvish as well as Sindarin. I know this is probably more explanation than is really necessary for a story this short, where such a small reference is made to what I've simply called "Silvan" Elvish, but for some reason this theory of a third (or maybe even fourth) form of Elvish really intrigues me.


Chapter 2 - Two

A/N : i must say that some of this Sindarin is wrong. i know that. what i *don't* know is how to correct it. if any of you know, please, PLEASE tell me (nicely). i will admit some of it is ... not made up, but kinda...... improvised. i tried very hard to do it right and i do have to give credit to the Sindarin Dictionary Project. thanks guys! now, on with the show.
********

Helm's Deep is so empty that my footsteps echo as I make my way through the corridors to the hall where I know the twins have been assigned rooms. I knock softly on Elrohir's door then push it open slightly without waiting for an answer. I have been friends with the twins for most of my life and we are very close, taking liberties that would earn anyone else a sharp reprimand.

I am not surprised to see the twins sitting on the bed, deep in quiet conversation; the two never spend much time apart. I slip silently into the room, softly closing the door behind me. As I approach, two dark heads turn toward me and I am studied by two identical sets of stormy grey eyes. Without a word, Elladan holds out his hand and I move to the bed, sitting beside the pair.

I can feel them looking at me, though I refuse to meet their eyes for if I do I will only see more understanding and compassion than I can possibly bear. They are far older than I and have suffered much heart-ache and grief. They know far too well what I am feeling right now.

Long, tapered fingers frame my face and a soft voice whispers in my ear. "Vin niniel ernil." {Our tearful prince.} I bite my lower lip to keep from crying out though I cannot stop the traitorous tears that seep from my eyes. I am trying so hard to keep myself together... It's not only Haldir's death that is causing me so much turmoil, but the relief of knowing that our mad quest is over. In retrospect it is wonderous that we made it through fully intact save Boromir and poor Frodo's finger.

"Leithio baul lin, Legolas." {Release your torment.} This time it is Elrohir who speaks, a sort of urgency in his voice. He knows as well as I do that if I keep this bottled up it will eventually kill me. "Im mela le, meldir."

Those four words undo me. Those four words that I could never speak to Haldir, that I desperately wish to say to him now. Those four words thrown at me. I begin to tremble and a strong pair of arms comes around me, pulling me into a warm embrace. I am surrounded by the soothing smell of horses, leather and hay and I settle more comfortably into Elrohir's arms.

With my face now hidden against my friend's chest, I feel no guilt for the tears that leave warm wet streaks down my cheeks. So much has changed in the last few months and I don't know if I am strong enough to deal with those changes. All I really want to do is hide from the outside world. Maybe I will do something along those lines... perhaps Gimli will actually hold me to our little deal. I will travel with him through the Glittering Caves if he will accompany me through Fangorn.

While it does sound like a nice little journey, it is not what I was originally planning on doing after this was all over. Before I left Lorien Haldir made me promise that I would return and spend much time with him, in happier days, with a lighter heart. I agreed wholeheartedly, promising that I would return as quickly as possible. My heart weeps that I had to break that promise. I didn't mean to... I would do anything to have him here with me again. If he was only here I would tell him what I couldn't tell him before. I would tell him how much he helped me, how much he means to me, how much I love him.

"Henion-e." {He understood} I startle at both the quiet voice which intrudes on my personal reflection and at the unspoken truths behind it. It seems that at least one of my friends has been peeking in on my thoughts, though I can't really blame them. I must seem on the verge of madness to them and they are only trying to protect and help me. When I think of what those words really mean, though, I begin to lose it again. I hope Elladan is right. I hope Haldir really did know what I wanted to say and I hope he truly did understand why I couldn't bring myself to say it.

I have always been very emotional, even for an Elf, though I am shy about expressing my emotions verbally. I perfer to let my actions speak for my heart. What I am afraid of now is that I wasn't clear enough with Haldir. I am afraid that he thought I was simply using him as a diversion while I was in Lothlorien. I am terrified that he never knew that I counted him as a true friend, not simply an acquaintance. If only I had told him, if only I had simply said the words.

"Henion-e." It is repeated more emphatically and finally I raise my eyes to meet Elladan's. I see in them only truth and honesty. He knows that what he says is right. There is no doubt there so I believe my old friend. I have to. If I don't my doubt and grief will consume me.

"Hannon-le." I move from Elrohir's arms to Elladan's, giving him a grateful hug. He holds me close for long moments then eases me away, his keen eyes searching me. "Rest now.' His long fingers sweep a lock of hair back behind my ear before he moves to give me room to lie down.

While I am tired and would dearly like to sleep, I do not want to be alone. I would feel far more comfortable if Elladan and Elrohir would remain with me. "U-awartha enni. Saes." {Do not abandon me. Please.} I reach out and grasp their hands, both asking and demanding at the same time.

Elrohir leans forward and kisses my brow softly before gesturing back to the bed. "Dar-enno." {We will remain} Finally, tired past the point of exhaustion, I allow myself to fall backwards onto the bed and it is not long before I drift off into Elven dreams, comforted by Elladan curled up at my side and Elrohir softly stroking my face and hair. I can only wish that Haldir felt this loved and comforted as he passed from this existance.

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