Morgul, The Loan Shark

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Title: Morgul, The Loan Shark (#606)
Author: Hathor
Chapters: 1

Archive: Tolkien
Category: Lord of the Rings
Description: *Real* motivations behind Morgul, Boromir's Ring-Lust and why Faramir married Eowyn. Not quite what you might expect...
Published: 07 Feb 2004
Updated: 07 Feb 2004
Warnings: Some swearing and general silliness
Type: Humour
Characters: Morgul; Boromir; Faramir

Chapter 1 - Morgul, The Loan Shark

Disclaimer: I own absolutely nothing bar the plot in the fic. Don�t sue me; I�m just having a lot of fun playing in Tolkien�s sandbox. I�ll give it all back when I�ve finished, since I�m making no money from it.

Author�s Note: This was written after waking up the middle of the night and feeling inspired. In a twisted way, this whole idea seems to work. Please take it in the spirit it's intended, and enjoy this. Feedback is loved and encouraged. Flames shall be used to cook hobb- I mean, erm, tea. Yes. Tea.

EDIT: It has come to my attention through a LJ news group that 'Morgul' is *not* in fact the Witch-King's actual name. I will continue using it as I feel that the story still works despite this canon aberration. For this, I claim creative licence.

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Morgul, leader of the Nazgul and ex-Witch-King of Angmar, had a lot of time on his hands. Exciting though the job was (ha!), searching out One Rings and re-establishing Dol Guldor and et al, there was a lot of time to spare while Sauron recuperated. And Morgul was used to being a fairly powerful businessman.

Since no offical banks had been set up in Middle-Earth yet, Morgul came across one helluva good idea. Middle-Earthians needed money, and he had a lot at his disposal. Wraith he may have been, but he had taken a fair amount of his kingdom with him. Therefore, Morgul's conclusion was obvious- he became Middle-Earth�s first loan shark. After all, he had the cash, the menacing abilities, and he had The Boys to back him up. It would be profitable business, and Sauron need never know!

Several hundred years later, Boromir, Son Of Denethor came on the scene. It is a little known fact that Boromir did indeed have a wife, but unfortunately she was not the best at adding up, and spent thousands on little things like Lotto, an early form of Bingo, and of course, fripperies like getting her bikini line done. Historians have not yet found the name of Boromir's wife, but diaries have revealed the nickname �Jordan�.

So, Boromir was broke, but he was a proud bastard. Could he go to his father? Nay! Could he go to Faramir? Nay! So, it was on the field of battle that Boromir, having heard of Morgul's loan scheme, cautiously approached his enemy for "Just a quick loan, mate. It's for the wife. You know how it is, don't you? Look, the slaughtering of your armies, it was a mistake, you know what the lads are like after a few pints. Besides, you did start it..."

Morgul, sensing a fiscal gain, lent Boromir the appropriate funds, but failed to mention the tremendous interest rates should the loan not be paid back in two weeks. And to a Nazgul, a week is a day. Could Boromir pay the money back? Nay! His wife frittered it away. "But Boro, daaarling! You just know how it is, the Lady Of Dol Amroth has a new dress, and she always wants to appear so perfect, I simply have to keep up!" So Morgul began to call The Boys in to get the loan back, and they were good at what they did. Apart from anything else, what Morgul called The Boys was actually a 7,000 strong army. First, they took large portions of Ithilien, and even began to encroach on the innards of Gondor itself. Boromir despaired, and went to Morgul as a desperate man.

"Look, mate, I just can't afford it. You've been married-" Forsooth, the With-King himself had indeed been married, pre the days of Wraithness. Curling tendrils of smoke tended to put a dampner of more recent relationships- "and you know what they're like. Can you just give me a few days? Please?"

Alas, it was not to be. Morgul, enraged, took Osgiliath. "After all, you are the Heir to the Stewardship of Gondor, and therefore, it's your belonging for ME to claim!"

Despairing, Boromir confessed all to Faramir as they escaped from the burning Osgiliath. Faramir patted Boromir in a manly fashion, but too despaired. "Glad I'm not getting married," Faramir muttered as Boromir left. For yes, Boromir ran away from his troubles and ran into yet more as he arrived at Rivendell to answer a dream that had been plaguing him. Not the one about the giant carrot with the cheesegrater, or the German badger (a curious dream, since Germany did not in fact exist in Middle-Earth), but the one about the Halfing and Isildur. Somewhere along the line, Boromir agreed to go on a Quest to save Middle-Earth. And as he agreed, he heard of how Morgul was so desperately seeking The One Ring, which the smaller and somewhat girly Frodo was carrying on a really, really naff chain. "Aha!" Boromir thought unwisely. "If I nick the Ring, then I can give it to Morgul and be free of his debts!"

It was not for nothing they called Faramir the intelligent brother.

And so, the Quest went on, and Boromir tried repeatedly to win the Ring, but it was to no avail. Eventually, Boromir flipped out, and died because of it- pesky orcs. However, in his pride, he made up a half-garbled story to Aragorn about needing it for Gondor. Arrogant to the last. And so died Boromir, son of Denethor.

And so, battle raged on, and Morgul was mightily pissed off, having lost money to Saruman's Boys. No one likes losing the the rival loan shark, after all. He waged war on both Saruman and Faramir, determined to regain his loss. He got close in nearly killing Faramir, too, but the second son of Denethor survived, somehow. Morgul, desperate and in his need for money (profits always went down during wars) he was attracted by the gold that King Theoden unwisely wore on the battlefield. He missed, however, Eowyn's far more sucessful attempt to kill him. Alas for Morgul. He went to the Void having his ass kicked by a girl and down in profit.

Eowyn was gravely wounded in the battle, for Morgul didn't believe in not hitting girls. (He was what more recent authors would dub Not Nice, after all.) She and Faramir lay in the same hospital (private, of course. They say the NHS is modelled on early versions of Gondorian healthcare) and when Faramir learned that she had slain his debtor, he passionately kissed Eowyn in his joy. Eowyn, still feeling stung by Aragorn's rejection, took this as a marriage proposal and refused to let Faramir out of the engagement- something about "refuse me and wake up with your entrails around your neck, and I mean that!"

And so ended the tale of Morgul The Loan Shark. Remember kids, it's Not Nice to hit people for money. This author freely condones beating people for chocolate, however.
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