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Title: Snorg: Letters from Mordor (#9)
Author: Viv
Chapters: 1

Archive: Tolkien
Category: Lord of the Rings
Description: Enthusiastic young orc torturer learns Dark Lord's deepest secret.
Published: 25 Apr 2003
Updated: 25 Apr 2003
Warnings:
Type: Humour
Characters: sauron


Chapter 1 - Snorg: Letters from Mordor

AN: Challenge: Use the following sentence in a short fic: “Needless to say, there was a reason he’d kept it secret all these years.”

No one ever writes about orcs. Poor orcs.

Disclaimer: Mordor, Middle Earth, and the Dark Lord are not mine… they belong, of course, to the Tolkien estate, etc.

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Dear Mom,

Job going along nicely here in Minas Morgul. Brutally slaughtered far-too-clean northmen and so got promoted to torture chamber staff. Woot! But missed all the excitement, apparently, as very pungent prisoner -- self-styled “Gollum” -- was allowed to escape just last week. Heard his screechings were impressive and rather spine-chilling. Alas.

Tomorrow may get to meet Dark Lord when he inspects the troops. Go me!

With grunts, and assorted kisses,
Snorg

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Mom,

Fabulous news: Have been named second whip-wielder! Maximum promotion.

On dismal note: Meeting with Dark Lord postponed… bummer.

Also heard rumor that Saruman has taken up with a hairy-footed halfling creature. Eeeeeew.

Begin torturing prisoners tomorrow… wish me luck!

With stinkiness,
Snorg

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Dear Mother,

OMG! Met Dark Lord Sauron, in the flesh today! Well, more or less … Not sure how much flesh there is under all that armor and stuff … but definitely saw The Eye. (Am jumping up and down just thinking about it!)

And the best part: His Evil Meaniness said I was top torturer for the week! All other orcs are jealous, of course, 'cause now I get to co-torture the best prisoners. Can’t wait for His Dark Maliciousness to filch hairy-footed Halfling from Saruman!

Grunt grunt,
Snorg

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Mommy,

Terrible mistake. Am leaving Mordor in secret. Tonight. Burn this after you read it.

(Longer letter later.)

S.

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Mom and Other Orc Clan Leaders,

Am on the lam here in Far Harad. Think no one has spotted me, but this letter will be my last. Here is whole sordid tale, from the beginning:

I, as you know, began helping The Dark Fungus with his personal tortures, and was doing a fabulous job, thank you very much. Only His Crude Nastiness wouldn’t let me help with Prisoner Number One! Rumor had it that PN1 was some monumentally goody-goody elf lord, and I had a mind to really lay it on ‘im, if you get my drift.

But His Black Snot refused all my requests to help! And me, the best torturer on his staff!

Appalled, I followed him to PN1’s tower one night, careful to keep quiet … no snorting or leaking viscous goo. Was very difficult, but I made it to the top of the tower, just in time to see him open the door and reveal … PN1 isn’t an elf lord at all! It’s a goblin with a bad hairdo (and I do mean bad … goblin girls should never do that with their hair). She had a paraffin dish, and clippers, and ….

Mom, she gave the Dark Lord Sauron a manicure. And I saw the whole thing. Am scarred for life.

Dark Lord Sauron is not evil bad boy at all: Is chatty manicure-obsessed poofta.

Needless to say, there was a reason he kept it secret all these years. Bet he had Isildur killed just to quash the possible rumors. (Isildur got close look at sliced-off finger, hmmm?) Bet it had nothing to do with silly ring after all.

Am trusting you to spread the word now, though. Rid Middle-earth of this menace! Death to the Pink-Varnished One!

Still in hiding, and your snorting son,
Snorg


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Fin.
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