Reviews for "Penance"

Wed Aug 25, 2004 9:08 pm

Very well written thus far. Nice flow of language, and yes I will come back and read the second chapter.
Luv,
Ur SamwiseTS

Sat Aug 28, 2004 10:16 pm

Just read this story, it was intirguing what a great plot idea. The bunnies got you good! Can't imagine where you are taking this but it will be interesting. Very Happy smiley face

Ilistine

Sun Aug 29, 2004 9:30 pm

Me again! Very interesting, I love his/her worrysome ranting what a trip! Can't wait for more, especially when he/she meets the Elessar!
Keek

Mon Aug 30, 2004 11:49 pm

Now that's a fresh point of view! Your Curunir voice is fantabulous; same with Sam. The little bits shine: Same being worried about the naked stranger messing up his garden; the care with which you selected the name. This story is thoroughly enjoyable so far. Please do update!

Tue Aug 31, 2004 12:43 pm

I am going with my standard when viv reviews before I do "Ahem." What she said.

Tue Aug 31, 2004 4:18 pm

I disagree with your reviewers so far. Your actual writing is pleasing and flowing, it guides your readers along and keeps them reading. The mistakes in grammar etc are minimal and dont pull one out of the fic at all.

Where I feel you go wrong is as follows:

Sam - I dont get any sense of him as Samwise. He's unHobbity and one reference to 'messing up a garden' isnt enough. You dont write him as humble, quaint or gentle. Hes poorly constructed.

Premise - Saruman comes back as a mortal woman? Sorry! Wasnt this supposed to be a Tolkien fanfic? Where does it say that the Istari were gender benders? This part especially annoyed me;

"The point of giving me a female body has to lie somewhere along the same reasoning that youth must have been a deciding factor: I’m being humbled, humiliated, punished. Where as an Istari, I took the form of an aged man in order to appear wise,"

Its a load of rubbish! The Istari were Maiar and had a preordained gender and appearance! Tolkien NEVER writes his females as being inferior. This whole concept is just not fitting with this fandom. It would have worked better had the 'Unoriginal Female Character' been an original Maiar character of your design.

The shifting of 3rd person present tense to first person narrative is sloppy. You should be incorporating one or the other, actually melding them. Do you know how to do this? If not, make sure your Beta reader is more advanced that you so you can learn these skills.

Well, aside from me not liking the idea for this fiction, your writing is of decent quality and you appear to be a fanfic writer star on the rise. I wish you luck and urge you to continue and grow.

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Reviews for "Penance"