Reviews for "Gone~"

Tue Nov 25, 2003 5:17 am

funny story plz continue Very Happy smiley face

Tue Nov 25, 2003 9:46 am

This is interesting and is brimming with some original ideas. Very refreshing.

Some minor points for you to consider (to improve):

Grammer & Punctuation - you need to get this Beta read. The grammer is poor. (Beta Readers can be grabbed via forum)

eg "...maybe it was because their father trained her and her love for the MAs. But anyways as usual..."

MA's? Please dont do this. Write Martial Arts. This is a fiction not a text message or email.

Your intro para is also inappropriate. You should reveal that info throughout the actual story.

Overall, the chapter was nicely done and i admit (despite hating the tv show Tribe) that i look forward to reading where you take this.

**I also think that you should pre-warn that this is a Crossover fiction in your summary.**

Tue Nov 25, 2003 4:12 pm

I'm guessing that there is a major story arc explaining how the virus in our world is related to something in Middle-earth? Very interesting concept; I look forward to seeing the eventual resolution. Also, the dynamic between the sisters was good and very believable. However, as good as the concept is, the execution of this fic needs a lot of work. Grammar, spelling, pacing, transitions, research... all of these could stand to be polished. A beta can help with the grammar and spelling (I think someone else has already mentioned how valuable a beta would be). But the research and plot development are things you will want to do yourself. You may want to build more into the preparation for crossing the Atlantic ocean. A fishing boat won't really cut it; the girls would have to learn how to run a bigger boat, study charts and instruments and navigational tools. It would be a major undertaking, not to mention that a trip like that would take weeks at least, so they'd need more than a duffle of spare food.

A longer explanation of the virus and its aftereffects would be nice, especially if the virus is going to be part of the later plot (which it more or less has to be). I'd like to know precisely what you mean when you say the town has gone "insane." Also, these girls obviously had a close relationship with their parents; I was expecting a little more dismay that mom and dad were suddenly and tragically dead.

Also, please be careful with elf/human interactions. These are human children; the elves would have very little patience with them, and certainly wouldn't think of possible romantic attachments.

Finally, please removeor rephrase this line: "I literally jumped out of my skin." Wink smiley face

Feel free to rewrite and repost, and let me know when you do. I can see how this story could be made into something very good, with a little work.

Fri Nov 28, 2003 1:34 pm

awww that is soo sweet "That he is child, but under that
scowl is an elf wanting to be loved" haldir can carry me on his shoulder and slap my bottom aswell...LOL..... i cant wait to read more....

Fri Nov 28, 2003 1:35 pm

What the hell... i was all into the story and ready to read more so i just looked and there arent anymore chapters posted yet.... are you trying to ruin my day? i need more chapters...asap

Wed Dec 24, 2003 12:33 pm

ok...i liked chapter 2.....really good...i need more... that HALLY thing was brilliant..great job... post more now...right now!!!!!!!! LOL...or asap... (meaning tomorrow)

Sat Jan 17, 2004 11:54 pm

Hey i just finished reading the last chapter you posted.. it was really short... but it was good nonetheless... how long ago did u post it? oh well i guess i will sit here bored. waiting for another chapter...Hurry up!!!!!!11 LOL Rolling Eyes smiley face

Wed Feb 11, 2004 2:00 pm

hey....
first of all...thank u so much for reviewn my story,,,,it cheered me up a whole lot Smile smiley face

and I will try to update as soon as possible...
I just read all chapters u've posted and I love ur story too....I actually like all the characters which I rarely do...lol... Witch smiley face

Don;t be long ...I really wanna see how this goes....and I will read ur other story tomorrow Wink smiley face

...very good job

Mon Feb 16, 2004 11:13 am

hey- Thanks for updating! I had toatlly forgotten about this story! I love how Hally and Kat are getting along! Their quite the couple....yea right I know! Anyways...Is this going to be a romance with Hally&Kat or Leggy&kat? Well, I just though I'd tell you I like you story and would love to read more! Smile smiley face

Wed May 12, 2004 7:26 pm

oh please say you have not abandoned this story.. PLEASE .. there are so few really good haldir storys... please .. i love kat.. and little niki.. please update.. hally needs you to stop him from being killed.. please.. lol..

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Reviews for "Gone~"