Reviews for "Leaving..."

Wed Mar 17, 2004 1:08 pm

You did a great job of hooking me in with all those sensory images! Yay! That's the way to go.
Since this is short and worth keeping, I am going to paste it in here and insert some editing suggestions in brackets, if you don't mind.

Leaving. A lump of pain rises in my chest. Life has been kind, yet the call of the sea is getting stronger [avoid using passive voice; change 'is getting stronger' to 'strengthens]. I am returning [again, passive voice] from where[whence] I came, to[change , to ---> : ] the Valar. The shining ocean, endless horizon, sharp smells and soft sounds lure me away [yay! me likes!]. I go [come on, you can think of a better word than 'go'] now on this grey ship, to a fertile land of silver hills, white beaches and an endless whisper of poetry from the flowing breezes. There, my friends and kin, the ones who survived the war and sailed [away], or[as well as] the ones who died and were reborn there, await. Yet a tugging touches my heart [this phrase is a bit awkward]. I knew this day would come; yet it is [is ---> comes] so soon. Frodo and Gandalf have sailed, yet behind I leave other people, ones who meant[mean, or better yet, a poetic phrase like 'those whom I keep close to my heart,' only something more original Smile smiley face

] a lot to me. Aragorn and Arwen, trusted friends, Merry, Pippin and Sam as well stay[stay as well]. Other friendships that I’ve formed over the years are now standing [passive voice] back at that distant shore[the friendships are standing? better fix that], on which[just 'where'] my heart yearns to be. They could have been non-existent in the long life I will still have [not quite understanding you here], but for the memories, bittersweet, of happy and [of]sad times. But I know that they wouldn’t want me to dwell on these bonds, but be happy for the future ahead [uh-oh! you used two 'but's in one sentence!]. It is with effort that I turn away my head and face forwards, onto[you don't 'face onto'] a new life. I will not dwell in misery, but[though] these friends will, unto eternity, be etched in my heart.

~*Holly Took*~

Wed May 12, 2004 11:04 am

Too damn short!

This is nicely poetic but you could have expanded! I was so disappointed there wasnt more! Well done you! Very Happy smiley face

Wed Jun 02, 2004 4:06 pm

YAY! That was so good! *wipes away tear*.
I wish it was longer, but it was very good! You should write more things like this. I'm hooked!

-Your #1 fan, LadySolaris Wink smiley face

Thu Jul 08, 2004 6:45 pm

Aww I feel bad for Legolas. He needs a good hug.
Sensory imagry was great as well as the emotional turmoil.
Though, I am sad it wasn't a bit longer... perhaps an additional chapter of him arriving in Valinor would be neat.
Good job! Very Happy smiley face

Sat Nov 19, 2005 8:55 pm

Nicely done, especially for a first effort. Smile smiley face

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Reviews for "Leaving..."