Swashbuckling in Lorien

Title: Swashbuckling in Lorien
Author: Forest
Pairing: None
Rating: PG13 (to be safe)
Genre: Humour
WARNING: Insanity
Beta: None
Disclaimer: I own nadda!
Feedback: Yes please! We “aspiring” authors thrive on the stuff.

Summary: Jack Sparrow and Will Turner are somehow transported to Lorien but how will the elves take to them? How will the ladies of HL take to them? Will Jack drink all of Lorien dry?

Spoilers: None

~*~


Chapter 2


~*~


As the troop of Galadhrim made their way back to the city, they had to pass the Nimrodel. As they neared it, Rumil winked at Haldir and gave the orders to stop. The elves looked at Haldir, who finally understood what Rumil was up to and nodded.

“Untie the human’s hands, Orophin!” called Rumil.

Orophin raised a delicate brow at his brother, but at Haldir’s reassuring nod, he shrugged and untied Jack’s hands.

“Keep him blindfolded” continued Rumil. Then, the young elf pointed clearly at the relatively calm river flowing beside them, and it was at that point, the rest of the Galadhrim caught on and began to snigger.

“Where are we ladies?” came Jack’s slurred voice. “Is someone running me a bath?”

Without further ado, Orophin and another guard took hold of Jack’s arms and in one swift movement, the pirate was thrown into the waters of the Nimrodel with a resounding “SPLAAASSSHHHHl!”

Bubbles began to form on the surface and as the chuckling elves watched, Jack’s head soon appeared above water again. His blindfold had miraculously not come off, but his crimson bandana had slipped and fallen over one already covered eye. His hat, meanwhile appeared above water a second later, and Jack grabbed it before it could float off downstream.

“That was not funny!” he shouted out, now completely sober.

“Maybe not, human” said Haldir who was struggling to hide his mirth. “But necessary for our sense of smell!”

Jack just scowled as Orophin and the other guard leant forward and hauled him out of the river.

“Why must I be blindfolded?” he asked. “If I am going to go for a swim, I’d really like to know about it first”.

“You are blindfolded, human” explained Haldir. “Because we very protective of that which is important to us. Should you turn out to be not who you say you are, we do not wish for you to know of our whereabouts”.

Jack stood stunned, his mouth half open. “Are you accusing me of being a spy?”

“Not as of yet, human”. Haldir said, quite calmly. Then, the older elf turned to his companions and called out his order. “Bind his hands again and lead him on!”

~*~


Finally, the Galadhrim arrived at their destination. Jack was brought before the lord and lady for he was not known to them and the elves trusted their judgement. Still blindfolded, Jack as brought in front of the lord and lady by Haldir and Orophin.

With a hand on his breast, Haldir bowed with utmost respect. “My lord and lady. We have found this human wandering our woods. We know not of how he came to be here”.

Celeborn nodded and then spoke and Orophin made to remove Jack’s blindfold. “Leave it on, Orophin” he commanded. “Until we have spoken with him”.

Orophin nodded and withdrew. Then Celeborn spoke up again.

“What is your business in Lorien, stranger?”

Jack resisted the temptation to go for his sword. These women were really aggravating and worst of all, this one sounded very male. Perhaps this one was male. So, he resigned to sighing and answered Celeborn’s question.

“I have no idea”.

Silence reigned throughout the flet and Celeborn exchanged a thoughtful glance with his wife.

“What do you mean, stranger?”

Jack formed a very satisfying mental picture of decapitating one of these infuriating women, then coughed and continued.

“I mean I do not know why I am here, how I got here and who would hate me so much to dump me in a place like this”.

“You mean to say you just fell out of the sky?”

Jack considered this for a moment and then nodded. “Yeah”.

A ripple of light laughter ran around the watching elves and Celeborn sighed then motioned for silence which came immediately at his request. “Your story, as remote as its possibility of being truth is, seems plausible”.

Now it was Jack’s turn to feel stunned. “You believe me?”

It was Galadriel that answered him, kindly but firmly. “Yes” she said. “I can see you truly have no idea how you got here and that is proof enough for me of your reliability. Although we do not know you as of yet, my husband and I are willing to let you remain here until we have found out the whole truth as to how you came to be in our realm”.

Despite their lord and lady’s decision, many of the elves nearby still remained distrusting of Jack and exchanged anxious and concerned expressions.

Celeborn motioned to Orophin. “Remove his blindfold”.
Orophin bowed, stepped forward and did as he was commanded, even though it was not to his liking. Once the blindfold had been removed, Jack blinked several times to get used to the sudden light, then as his vision returned, he saw the lord and lady in their full splendour and did something that surprised the onlookers.

He bowed.

Celeborn’s eyes suddenly fell on what Jack had clutched in his hand and he spoke up again. “What is your name, human?”

Jack stood up and cleared his throat. “My name is Captain Jack Sparrow, sir”. He said, putting particular emphasis on the ‘Captain’.

“Well, Captain” interjected Galadriel earning herself a happy looking expression from Jack at his address. “What is that you have in your hand?”

Jack looked down and suddenly realised he miraculously still held his bottle of rum. “Oh!” He said, quite surprised at the sight himself. “That is rum, m’lady. The finest rum in the Caribbean and a blessing to all who drink it”.

Orophin turned to Haldir and whispered curiously. “The Cari-whattsit?”

Haldir shrugged. “Must be a foreign term for wherever he comes from. My guess” he continued with a smirk. “The sewers”.

Orophin stifled a chuckle and resumed his composure.

Galadriel exchanged an interested glance with her husband and continued. “Is it at all like elven rum?”

Jack blinked and raised a confused brow. “What-Rum?”

“We are elves, Captain” explained Galadriel patiently. “Does that rum taste anything like ours?”

Jack thought about this for several seconds, then finally answered. “Well, that depends on what your rum tastes like, m’lady”.

“Tis strong stuff that!” piped up Rumil suddenly earning himself a death glare from both his brothers.

“Really?” said Jack, now extremely interested.

“Yes” Celeborn said. “It is so potent, that we have locked it away. No-one can get to it”.

Jack again resisted the temptation to knock the elven lord senseless. The mere thought of locking a drink away because it was too strong was too absurd for him to even comprehend.

“Why?” he asked, raising a brow.

“Because if we let anyone drink it, they would most likely fall into an extreme drunken state for hours on end”.

Jack didn’t think this was something to be afraid of. On the contrary, he thought it was something to celebrate that such a drink existed and just managed to stop himself asking for a map. Instead, he contented himself with looking quite confused.

“We were wondering, Captain” said Celeborn, choosing his words carefully. “If human rum tastes any different from our rum”.

“It may do” said Jack thoughtfully.

Galadriel immediately dropped her regal manner and proceeded. “Would you mind if we tried it?”

Jack looked from the almost empty bottle in his hand, to the two elven royals a few feet away from him, and then back to the bottle again.

“Sure!” he said, reluctantly handing the bottle to Galadriel. He didn’t trust himself by ending his last sentence with the word ‘Babe’. By the formidable look of the elves surrounding the area, he would be chopped suey if he so much as considered saying something like that.
He was slightly unnerved however when Galadriel suddenly attained a mischievous look for a fraction of a second and winked at him.

Fortunately no one else had noticed the exchange, for which Jack was eternally grateful.

Galadriel, meanwhile, uncorked the bottle and Celeborn handed her a goblet. She shrugged his hand away saying “If you’re going to do something, you may as well do it properly”.

And with that, she uncorked the bottle with a ‘pop’ and putting the bottle to her lips, she downed the miniscule amount that was left whilst Celeborn looked on in dismay. What in the name of Elbereth had come over his wife?

“Ah, good stuff!” she said, corking the bottle again. Then, realising what she had just said, she hastily corrected herself. “I mean to say, it seems, it is milder than our rum, my lord”.

“Indeed?” said Celeborn icily, raising a brow at his wife.

Galadriel just hiccupped and handed the bottle back to a very smug looking Jack.

“You are dismissed” Celeborn called to the surrounding elves before whispering to his wife. “You. My talan. Now. We need to talk.”

~*~


It was Haldir and a rather talkative Rumil that escorted Jack to his quarters.

“Where do you get that rum?” Rumil was asking Jack excitedly. “It must be good stuff to make the lady talk like that!”

“Rumil, I am sure that Mr Sparrow does not want an irritating elf like you twittering in his ear like a hyper elfling”.

“Oh, I don’t mind, Haldir!” assured Jack.

Haldir sighed and continued walking. He longed for the day when his two other brothers would admit they had a problem and join Alcoholics Anonymous.

The trio turned a corner and Jack let out a shout of extreme surprise.

“Will?!”

Will span round as though he had been stung on the backside and stared, open-mouthed at Jack. He was flanked by both Zhie and Zu, each who seemed to have come over rather giggly.

“How did you manage to get in here without being harpooned?” Jack asked.

Will grinned smugly. “These two lovely ladies found me in the woods and brought me here”

“Ah” said Jack, beginning to see the light. “But why were you not taken to the lord and wife?”
“Well, I was, briefly” explained Will. “See, they said that anyone who is a friend of the ladies here, is a friend of theirs.”

“Remarkably trustworthy” replied Jack, arching an eyebrow.

“Yes” Will leaned closer to Jack and whispered urgently. “Don’t tell Elizabeth though. You know how…protective…she gets of me.”

Jack sighed. “Will, will, will. When have I ever given you reason not to trust me?”

Will stared at Jack, not quite believing what he just heard.

“Alright, fair point” said Jack admittedly. “But don’t worry. My mouth is sealed. Fair lady will not hear of thine deeds!”

Will rolled his eyes. “Good!”

Zu suddenly grabbed a hold of Will’s arm. “Come on, Will” she grinned. “Let’s continue with the tour”.

And with that, the three disappeared down the path and out of sight, leaving the two elves and the pirate at a loss for words.

~*~


“There!” announced Julie. “It’s done!”

Forest looked over her shoulder. “You finished the beginning again then?”

“Yep!” Julie smiled happily down at the sheets of rewritten beginning, then hastily shoved them out of sight. “And it is not being read yet”.

Forest chuckled. “So close, yet so far”.

Around them were seated three other ladies – Zee, Dorothy and Mei. Suddenly, the sound of approaching voices was heard and all five looked up, just in time to see Haldir and Orophin pass by with Jack Sparrow.

Julie looked doubtfully at the wine glass in her hand. “Ladies? Did you just see –“

“Oh, yes!” came the excited chorus.

Silence reigned for a few fragile seconds, then suddenly all hell broke loose. There was a scramble for belongings and without further ado, the five ladies ran helter skelter after the trio.