Swashbuckling in Lorien

Title: Swashbuckling in Lorien
Author: Forest
Pairing: None
Rating: PG13 (to be safe)
Genre: Humour
WARNING: Insanity
Beta: None
Disclaimer: I own nadda!
Feedback: Yes please! We “aspiring” authors thrive on the stuff.

Summary: Jack Sparrow and Will Turner are somehow transported to Lorien but how will the elves take to them? How will the ladies of HL take to them? Will Jack drink all of Lorien dry?

Spoilers: None

~*~

Chapter 3

~*~


Skidding to a halt beside the trio, the ladies all stood still for a few seconds so to regain their breath. Dorothy however, did not wait to respire; instead she took the moment in her stride and began to flirt shamelessly with Jack who didn’t seem to mind in the least. Seeing how well her comrade was getting along, Julie slipped silently over to where the pair were engaged in light hearted banter, threw caution to the winds and joined in.

Rumil exchanged glances with his brother who shrugged and after deciding that flirting was in fact a good thing to do at that moment in time, they both began to strike up conversation with the other ladies whilst Julie and Dorothy became acquainted with Jack.

Haldir chanced a glance up at the sky and saw that the sun was clearly beginning to set. If he did not make a move now, he would not get back in time to beat Orophin to the sherry. Even after several weeks of “I get the sherry at sundown, you get it before” from Orophin, Haldir still didn’t understand why his brother was so fixated on getting the drink at a particular time. He had dropped hints of course about the E.A.A. (Elven Alcoholics Anonymous). A leaflet here. An address there. Orophin just didn’t seem to pick up any hints.

Haldir had even gone as far as sticking a post-it note to his brother’s head whilst he was sleeping. He had written the words “Contact Alcoholics Anonymous – You need help”, only backwards so that when Orophin got up and went to the bathroom, he would read it in the mirror. Unfortunately, Orophin had noticed it was there as soon as he had awakened, peeled it off and threw it in the bin before even reading it.

Still, Haldir persevered with the cause and vowed that one day, be it in the near or distant future, he would convince his brother to go to an E.A.A meeting.

“Well, we had better make a move” said Haldir pointedly causing choruses of ‘Oh, must you?’ and ‘Already?’ from the ladies around him.

“I am afraid so” he said, taking Julie’s hand on a whim and kissing the back lightly. “But we shall see you all tomorrow, I hope”.

Julie nodded vigorously. “Yes please!”

Haldir just chuckled merrily and once Rumil had prised Jack off Dorothy, the trio made their way back to their own quarters.

~*~

Haldir, Rumil and Jack came to a halt outside one of the spare talans that was reserved for guests.

“This is where you shall be sleeping” said Haldir, opening the door.

Jack’s mouth dropped at the sight of such an exquisite set-up and for the first time in his entire life, he was speechless.

“We’ll leave you to get acquainted with your room then” said Rumil with a smirk. It always greatly amused him to see the guests’ expressions when they saw their quarters for the first time, especially if said guest was human and originally smelt like he was used to sleeping in stables.

Jack nodded and thanked them with the words he was able to muster up, and then the two elves left, both feeling equally happy about life and well deserving of a salary raise.

~*~

Jack was woken the next morning by an abrupt knock at his door. After being suddenly startled out of his reverie, his eyes snapped open and with a short yelp, tumbled out of his bed onto the floor.

“Ow!” He got up slowly, nursing yet another bump on his already bruised head.

“Are you alright?” came a concerned sounding voice from outside the door.

“Yeah. I’m brilliant!” came Jack’s sarcastic reply.

Moving to the door, he unbolted it and let the visitor in. It was Celeborn and he was looking considerably more welcoming than the day before.

“Captain Sparrow” he began. “We have had word that you are known to some of the ladies here”.

Jack inwardly did a happy little tap-dance at the mention of his proper title and resumed listening.

“And so I just came by to let you know that anyone who is a friend of theirs, is a friend of ours. You are most welcome to stay as long as you wish. Ring this if you need anything”.

The elven lord handed Jack a silver bell which Jack took somewhat perplexed. With that, Celeborn walked out of the talan leaving Jack feeling quite stunned. “Would you look at that?” he said to himself looking at the bell. “I arrive a prisoner and am instantly upgraded to VIP! I think I’m going to like it here”

Deciding there was no time like the present; Jack gave the bell a try. Its note was soft and light, but minutes later, an elleth appeared and curtseyed before him, causing Jack to grin.

“What is your wish, sir?” asked the young elleth pleasantly.

Jack looked thoughtful for a moment then replied in his smoothest voice. “Something cold to drink, please miss”

The elleth curtseyed again with a smile and departed.

“Oh yes!” said Jack, grinning inanely. “I am most definitely going to like it here!”

~*~

“Oh, Rumil!” laughed Crystalline as she lay on the lush greenery surrounding her and the elf.

Rumil sat beside her gently kissing his way up her arm whilst she chuckled at the sight of him. One moment they had been discussing Haldir’s appalling manners at dinner and then Rumil’s mood had changed, then completely flipped, in both minds, for the better.

Eventually, they got up from the grass and made their way slowly back to Crystalline’s talan for she had some work to finish, and sadly she couldn’t be out the entire morning.

“I will call for you this evening” he smiled as he walked her to her door.

“I look forward to it, Rumil” she said with a shy grin. Then, she leant forward and kissed him softly on the cheek before turning and going inside her talan.

Rumil all but floated back down the stairs to the ground, a rather unhealthy sized grin spreading over his face. He finally decided he would call and see how their new guest was doing, and so made his way up to Jack’s talan.

~*~

As Rumil neared the talan, he was positive he could hear voices. Pressing his ear to the door, he listened hard.

“…so I rid the island of the bloodthirsty creature and after that, they made me their chief”.

“Oh, you’re so brave!”

“So strong and handsome too!”

A chorus of female laughter followed this remark and Rumil looked up in shock. He *had* got the right room, hadn’t he? Rolling his eyes, he turned the door handle and walked in.

The sight that greeted him made his eyes almost pop out of his head.

Jack was lying on his bed surrounded by around six elleths. One was massaging his feet and another feeding him grapes. Upon his entrance, they all looked up and fixed him with questioning stares. Jack, on the other hand, just smirked.

“Ah, Rumil!” he said, raising his goblet to the elf. “Come and join us!”

“Thank you. No” said Rumil pointedly. “Jack, could I have a word with you?”

“Yeah.”

“Outside.”

“Oh, right. Excuse me, ladies. I’ll be back soon!”

The elleths all looked on mournfully as their newfound play-mate disappeared.

~*~

Jack couldn’t help feeling ever so slightly anxious as he followed Rumil outside, but did his best not to show it. He was expecting Rumil to come out with a tirade about his behaviour; after all, there was the possibility that one of the elleths was Rumil’s.

What Rumil did say, confused him more than a little.

“Fancy a swim?”

Jack blinked. Had he heard correctly? The elf was not going to punch his lights out for his typically pirate-ish actions? Jack mentally berated himself. “The elf is not saying a thing about the girls” he told himself sternly. “Which means he won’t mind if I do it again!” Jack smiled inwardly and replied.

“What?”

“A swim” said Rumil casually. “There’s a lake nearby and it’s a really nice morning”.

“Alright” said Jack. He looked back briefly at the closed door.

“Don’t worry about them!” said Rumil with a mischievous grin. “They’ll be back again to you tomorrow!”

Finally persuaded, Jack followed Rumil down the stairs and out towards the lake.

~*~

“You are evil, you know that!” laughed Forest as she walked with Julie.

“And why would that be?” Julie grinned.

“Writing that story of yours in front of us and then not letting us read it!” Forest replied.

“Which will mean, you’ll enjoy it all the more when it’s finished”

“Fair point” said Forest admittedly.

They rounded a corner and took the path which led down to the forest lake when suddenly they heard splashing and the sound of male laughter. Glancing at each other in curiosity, they took off down the path and hurried towards the sounds.

The pair came running into the clearing a minute or so later and what they saw made their mouths fall open in shock.

“Jack?”

“Rumil?”

The elf and the pirate’s heads snapped up and looked at the two ladies standing by the waters edge.

“Come on in!” called Jack. “The water’s fine!”

Julie looked at Forest then discarded the dress she had been wearing. Underneath, for some reason, she was already wearing her swimming costume. With a neat movement, she dove straight into the water, coming up finally for air and bobbing beside Rumil.

“Forest?” called Rumil. “Coming in?”

Forest shook her head good naturedly. “No thank, Rumil. I’ll just sit here for a bit and enjoy the sun whilst it lasts”

“Suit yourself” Rumil smiled and headed off down the deeper end with Julie and Jack.

Forest watched them in the water for a bit, then reached inside her pocket and pulled out a small sketchpad. Putting pencil to paper and keeping a keen eye, she begin to sketch her chosen subject – Jack.

Seeing Forest out of the corner of his eye, Rumil suddenly got a brilliant plan. A despicable plan, but nonetheless brilliant. Winking at his companions, he dove underwater leaving only the slight trace of ripples. While Julie and Jack watched amusedly but trying to appear nonchalant all the same, he swam silently over to where Forest was still sketching and soon, his silver head bobbed up below where her feet were dangling over the edge.

With a wicked grin, he grabbed hold of her ankles and with a startled yelp; Forest was pulled into the warm water. Fortunately, she dropped her sketchpad on the grass so Rumil thanked the Valar for that luck, for otherwise he would have had a death sentence hanging over him if that had fallen in.

A few seconds later, Forest came up spluttering and glaring at Rumil. “You insufferable elf!” she fumed.

Rumil just raised a brow cheekily at her, and soon she felt herself beginning to crack at his ridiculous expression, until finally she resigned to her laughter.

“Lucky I wore this underneath” she said. Peeling out of her blouse and skirt, she tossed them onto the bank, revealing the swimming costume she was wearing underneath.

The four played about in the water for over half an hour, when suddenly the sound of whistling was heard. Soon, they saw Orophin in the distance, apparently destined for the lake himself.

Jack’s eyes widened and he smirked wickedly. As Rumil had done, he dove underwater and swam over to where Orophin was now standing.

“Good morning to you, Orophin!” called Forest, trying to distract the elf’s attention.

Finally realising that there were people in the water, Orophin waved back. “Good morning to all of you too” he said, unaware of Jack’s presence underneath him.

In one swift movement, Jack grasped Orophin’s ankles and before the elf knew what was happening, he was soaking wet and confronted by four laughing onlookers. As he surfaced, he emitted a spout of water from his mouth and stared dumbfounded at Jack.

“What was that for?”

“Call it payback for yesterday!” said Jack with a grin.

~*~

Orophin did eventually calm down enough and even joined in the game of water volleyball with the others. Even though there was no ball to use at the beginning, they compromised and used the quite weighty sponge Rumil had brought with him. There was one instance where the sponge whacked Jack in the mouth, much to everyone’s mirth, but he recovered quickly enough.

After their swim, the five lay on the grass soaking up the afternoon rays.

“This is the life” sighed Orophin contentedly.

“I couldn’t agree more” replied Forest next to him with a rival sigh of contentment.

Unbeknown to the pair, Rumil and Jack were currently engaged in an inaudible discussion. Suddenly, Jack tapped Julie on the shoulder and explained their plan.

“Coming?” he asked.

Julie looked at him suspiciously for a moment, and then nodded. “Alright then, but remember. This was *your* idea* she added pointedly.

Then, without the other two even noticing, Julie, Rumil and Jack slipped off back through the woods. However, being the efficient elf he was, Rumil left a hastily written note to Orophin and Forest explaining that they hadn’t been kidnapped, were all safe and would be back before sundown.

~*~

“It’s a good thing we have you with us, mate” said Jack. Following this remark, he clapped Rumil on the back nearly sending the elf flying into a nearby tree.

Julie chuckled. “Yes, Rumil, thank you for agreeing to come”. Then, turning to Jack she continued. “Just *how* strong is this rum?”

“Strong enough for the lord and lady to hide it under lock and key” replied Rumil.

Julie smiled, and then her expression hardened. “Where is this rum?” she asked sternly. “I mean, do either of you know exactly where it is hidden?”

“Julie, Julie, Julie” said Rumil, shaking his head and putting his arm around Julie’s shoulders. “Being a Galadhrim warden is not just twenty-four-seven boredom. It has its perks!”

“Like what?” asked Jack curiously.

“Like being told where the rum is” explained Rumil, not bothering to look up at Jack.

They pair followed Rumil and finally they came to the kitchens.

“It’s hidden in there?” asked Julie with a raised brow. “That’s a bit…well...obvious, isn’t it?”

“That’s the point” said Rumil. “It’s so obvious, no one would think of looking there”.

Jack’s expression brightened even more and he made a pointing gesture with his hand. “Clever, your lot, ain’t they?”

“I like to think so” said Rumil with a grin.

The trio padded softly down the stone steps until they came into a long, high ceiling-ed room. The floor was stone flagged and on the stove nearby the wooden cupboards, a large pan of what smelt like chicken soup was simmering nicely. In a corner, there was a trap door laid into the floor.

“That leads down to the drinks cellar” explained Rumil to the pair who nodded.

Suddenly, the sound of joyful whistling was heard and they all dove behind a nearby stack of crates, just before an elf came into view from the far side of the kitchen. The elf in question was silver haired, well built and wore an apron. Then he turned around.

It was Haldir.

Julie let out a short gasp of surprise and Jack had to cover her mouth sharpish before she gave them away. Haldir looked up and began to walk towards their hiding place. He gradually got nearer, and nearer. They were going to be discovered. They were-

A loud whistling came from the stove and Haldir looked back round to see the pan boiling over. “Oh, nettle-juice!” he groaned, and hurried away to tend to the pan.

Rumil, Jack and Julie sighed in relief.

“Alright, Julie” said Jack. “It’s your cue”

Julie nodded and crawled out from behind the crate. Luckily, Haldir didn’t notice as he was too busy with the pan, so she made advantage of the time given to her, straightened herself out and walked calmly over to him.

“Good afternoon, Haldir”

Haldir jumped as though he had been burned, which, Julie reminded herself he may have been. Her suspicions were confirmed when he shook his hand vigorously.

“Good afternoon to you, lirimaer” he replied good naturedly. “Pray tell, me what are you doing down in the kitchens?”

Julie thought on the spot and her eyes flicked to the now gently simmering pan. “I was just passing and I smelt some wonderful cooking” she lied. “I had to come down and see who was the equally wonderful chef tending to it”.

For a second, she could have sworn Haldir almost blushed. In many places there is an unwritten rule that flattery will get you everywhere. Lorien, it seemed, was no exception to this.

“Well, I am the only one here” said Haldir. “Though I shall not pretend I am a great cook, I get by”.

Julie nodded and smiled, then offered her arm. “Would you like a walk?” she asked.

Haldir thought about this for a moment. “Well, what about the soup?”

“You can leave it for a minute, can’t you?”

Haldir shook his head. “I’m afraid not”.

Seeing this was their last chance, Rumil slipped out from behind the crate and walked towards the pair. “I can take care of that for you, if you’d like” he offered.

Haldir looked round and gazed suspiciously at his brother. “What are you after?”

Rumil managed to look convincingly offended. “Me? Why Haldir, why do you doubt me so?”

Haldir sighed, smiled and took Julie’s arm. “Alright, Julie, I think I can go on that walk after all”. Then turning to Rumil, he added. “Make sure you don’t ruin it”.

“You can count on me” said Rumil. He watched until the pair were out of he kitchen vicinity completely, then motioned for Jack to come over.

On his cue, Jack padded across to where Rumil was, then they went to the trapdoor, lifted it and slipped inside.

“That was incredible” whispered Rumil, once they had climbed down the ladder and were far enough down to not be heard.

“What was?” asked Jack who was already rummaging through the thousands of bottles that adorned the dusty shelves.

“That Haldir didn’t suspect me or see you!” said Rumil, still trying to work out the logic behind it.

“You can do all the deep thinking you like” said Jack quickly. “After we’ve found that rum”

With that, the pirate continued to look through the shelves and boxes and only stopped when he heard an abrupt cough behind him. He turned and saw Rumil with his foot on an iron box looking quite smug. Upon the box was a label saying “Illegal Rum”.

“Think it could be this?” said Rumil with a smirk.

“There’ll be no living with you after this, will there?” said Jack with a grin.

Rumil shook his head and bent down to examine the lock. “Now, all that remains is how to get this open”. Reaching inside his tunic, the elf pulled out a silver pin and proceeded to pick the lock.

For over five minutes they waited. Jack getting progressively more and more irritated by the lack of progress. Finally, he snapped. Reaching down, he unsheathed his sword. “Watch out, lad!” he warned. Rumil looked up, his eyes widened and he rolled out of the way just in time.

Jack brought the sword down upon the lock and with an ear-splitting crunch, the lock broke clean in two leaving the lid unlocked and inviting. Bending over the lid, they lifted it up and sure enough, inside lay fourteen bottles of the strongest and smoothest rum in the whole of Middle-Earth.

“As I said once to dear William” said Jack as they collected the bottles. “Not all treasure is silver and gold”.

Taking seven bottles each, the pair staggered up the ladder, shut the trapdoor and out of the kitchens, taking care to put the box back where it had been and fill it with decoy bottles of liquor. Once outside, they hid the bottles in a bush and waited until Julie came back with Haldir.

They knew she’d appear soon because this was the Plan B. Plan B was as it had happened and Julie was to walk Haldir round in circles, each time passing the kitchen door once every five minutes or so. Luckily, the pair had only been in the cellar ten minutes, so it was highly unlikely that Haldir would be becoming suspicious.

Sure enough, a minute later, they heard the sound of Haldir and Julie’s voices.

“Quick! Get down” hissed Rumil to Jack whereupon Jack buried himself in the bush, making sure he was unseen to anyone passing by.

As soon as Haldir hoved into view, Rumil came rushing towards him causing the elder elf to frown. “Haldir!” he cried. “I couldn’t do anything! A sparrow flew in the window, and I am afraid it used your soup as a handy toilet stop”.

Julie had to swallow hard to stop herself from bursting out laughing at the look on Haldir’s face. “WHAT!” he cried in horror, his eyes wide like saucers.

“I think perhaps, I will catch up with you tomorrow, Hal, dear” said Julie kindly, patting the warden’s arm.

“Yes, that’s fine” said Haldir, managing a fleeting smile. He kissed Julie lightly on the cheek before departing. “I’d better go and see if I can salvage any of the soup”. Then, to Rumil he simply said “I’ll deal with you later!”

Rumil frankly couldn’t get too worried about this. He had rum. Haldir had none. He had illegal rum. Haldir had none. He had managed to fool Haldir. Haldir fell for it spectacularly. “Oh, yes” thought Rumil as they joined Jack, retrieved the bottles and made their way swiftly away from the kitchens. Life was definitely very good.