Swashbuckling in Lorien

Title: Swashbuckling in Lorien
Author: Forest
Pairing: None
Rating: PG13 (to be safe)
Genre: Humour
WARNING: Insanity
Beta: None
Disclaimer: I own nadda!
Feedback: Yes please! We “aspiring” authors thrive on the stuff.

Summary: Jack Sparrow and Will Turner are somehow transported to Lorien but how will the elves take to them? How will the ladies of HL take to them? Will Jack drink all of Lorien dry?

Spoilers: None

~*~

Chapter 4

~*~

After much debate and discussion, the rum had finally been hidden in another elf’s room. Jack had decided they could not hide it in Julie’s for she had been seen at the kitchens and Rumil’s for the same reason. Jack, on the other hand, made an excuse that he didn’t want to be caught red-handed and have to turn the other two in. Secretly though, both Julie and Rumil suspected that he didn’t want to lose the attention of the elleths.

“Who did you give the rum to?” asked Jack of Rumil that evening.

“I will not tell you” said Rumil with a smirk. “For I know if I do, you will go looking for the elf in question and drink all the rum before time!”

Jack managed to look convincingly offended. “I would not!”

“Well, even if you are telling the truth, I cannot risk it. Besides, you will enjoy it all the more when the time comes.”

“When the time-? Rumil, what are you blathering on about?”

Rumil sighed. “You’ll know soon enough, now excuse me I need to have a private talk with someone”.

“Ah” said Jack, raising a brow. “I’ll wait here, shall I?”

“Actually” suggested Rumil, who had already begun to ascend the stairs. “Go and get a wash. You look pretty grimy after those cellars!”

“Charming!” called Jack after the elf, but still; he made his way towards the wash basin he had seen earlier.

~*~



Jack wandered throughout the woods, hoping that he could actually retrace his steps effectively and find the wash basin again. He finally came out into a clearing and drew a breath of relief. There, standing in the centre of the clearing was the very wash basin he had seen earlier.

Making his way gladly towards it, he stopped short when he saw it held no water. Shaking his head at the inefficiency of it all, he walked over to the spring where water was flowing from within the rock and filled the pitcher that stood beside it. Jack carried the pitcher over the basin and slowly poured in the water.

“Jack Sparrow!”

Jack jumped in such fright, that he slopped the remainder of the water down his tunic. Then, he whipped around to see who had spoken.

It was Lady Galadriel, and she did not look happy.

“I am sorry, my lady” he said apologetically. “Did you want to wash first?”

He flinched as Galadriel’s eyes flashed with suppressed anger, and he could not explain why.

“Wash?” she said quietly. “Why would I want to do that?”

Jack made a small ‘o’ with his mouth in realisation and continued. “Of course, I am sorry. You do not need to wash as you are already completely clean”.

For a fleeting moment, the fire of wrath that had ignited in Galadriel’s eyes, seemed to falter, but soon it regained full strength again.

“You dare to defile the Mirror by mundanely washing in its depths?”

“The Mirror?” Jack looked spectacularly confused about life at that moment and wondered if the Lady had gone quite mad. “It is a basin, is it not? Seemingly only fit for washing dirt off?”

That did it.

With a surge of anger, Galadriel threw her arms up in fury and to Jack’s utmost surprise, began to glow green. Really green.

“You dare to come here, human, and use the sacred Mirror as a basin for your washing needs? You dare to fill the Mirror with the sacred water that flows from yonder spring? You dare-“

Jack couldn’t help it. With no warning whatsoever, he let out a loud and obvious yawn.

This caused Galadriel’s eyes to widen in shock and the glow surrounding her to flicker and finally die completely.

“Y-you yawned?” she said in disbelief.

Jack looked up, pleased to see she had finally stopped yelling. “Sorry, my lady. I couldn’t help it. Nice trick though, real nice. But I’m afraid to say I have seen far scarier things than you down where I come from.”

“M-more s-s-scarier than even me?” she stuttered, hardly daring to believe her ears.

Jack nodded. “Well, glad that’s cleared up. Now, if you’ll excuse me, my lady, I will go elsewhere and seek out a wash basin”.

“Yes” she replied quietly sinking down onto a stone step. “Do that”.

Jack nodded, and with a respectful bow and a turn of his heel, he departed the clearing.

Galadriel, meanwhile, remained in the same spot for many hours, trying to figure out what she had done wrong all these years. Were all the people she glowed against, merely pretending to be afraid? Was she a really failure at frightening people?

“Scarier than me?” she mused.

And so, the Lady Galadriel began to plot various new and improved ways of scaring the wits out of people.

~*~



Upon reaching the talan, Rumil pressed his ear against the door as he always did, listening for any sounds inside. Whether Rumil always did this out of consideration, or was just being plain nosy, no one knew. He could hear nothing inside, save for the light scratching of a quill, and so knocked lightly on the door.

The tinkling sound of breaking glass was suddenly heard, followed by a groan. “Coming. One minute!” came the muffled voice.

Seconds later, Rumil heard footsteps and the door was opened.

“Ah, Forest” greeted Rumil. “I hope I find you well”.

“In perfect health, thank you” she replied suspiciously. “What are you after?”

Rumil feigned a distressed sigh. “Why does everyone always suspect me?”

“Because there is always something to suspect” she chuckled.

Rumil cocked his head to one side and looked thoughtful for a moment. “Fair enough. Can I come in?”

Forest nodded. “Sure, but mind the glass”

“Glass?”

Upon entering the talan, Rumil’s first reaction was to leave, put on some mithril shoes and then come back. Shards upon shards of glass adorned the floor, some large and obvious, others smaller than a pin.

“Uhm….what happened?” asked Rumil, cautiously stepping in-between the glittering segments, hoping that his foot would not end up being skewered.

“Ink bottle fell off the desk” she explained, going into the closet to fetch a dustpan and brush.

It was then that Rumil noticed the pool of ink upon the desk which was steadily dripping off the side, forming a small puddle on the floor.

“Wipe that up would you?” came Forest’s voice from the closet.

“With what?” he called back.

“There’s a box of tissues by the window” she replied.

Looking across to the window, Rumil spotted the box of tissues she was talking about. He pulled around seven from the box and hastily soaked up the ink.

“Ah, that’s great!” smiled Forest, finally emerging with the dustpan and brush clutched in her hand.

Bending down, she began to quickly scoop up the glass into the pan, whilst Rumil watched, fidgeting as he did so.

“Uhm….Forest?”

“Yes?” she replied, still attending to the glass.

“I need to tell you something”.

“One minute”

Forest stood up, walked over to the bin and deposited the glass pieces safely inside. “Now” she said, replacing the dustpan and brush in the closet, “what was it you wanted to tell me?”

Rumil hastily told her all about the escapade in the kitchens with the rum and then hesitated when it came to telling her of its hiding place.

“Go on” she urged with a raised brow. “Which fool let you hide the rum in their room?”

Rumil took a deep breath. “Beleril”.

~*~



Any elves, ladies or elleths that chanced to pass near Forest’s talan at that moment in time, would be positive they had heard some kind of chemical explosion taking place.

“WHAT?!”

Forest glared at Rumil completely livid. “You gave them to Bel? How stupid can you get?”

Rumil cowered against the wall he found himself suddenly backed against and replied pleadingly. “He won’t be found out”.

“And how exactly can you be sure of that?” she fumed. “You have given an elf with a completely clean record the entire stock of Lorien rum, not to mention it is illegal. You do realise he could lose his position at the borders for this?”

Rumil nodded meekly. “Yes, I know that. But by tonight, he will be relieved of the rum anyway”.

“That’s not the point!” Forest continued. “You have landed an innocent elf in the prospect of utter shame and loss of respect. Should he be found out, I will not hesitate in turning you in!”

Rumil’s eyes widened. “Y-you wouldn’t. But I could lose my job!”

“It would be no more than you deserve” she replied grimly.

Rumil hastily fished around in his mind for a plea that might get him out of this incredibly sticky situation. “But if you turn me in, you’ll have to turn Jack in. And Julie! They were with me too you know”.

Forest thought about this for a moment, and then let out a deep sigh. “That is true. Much as I despise what you have done, Rumil, I would not turn Julie in. However, as long as you promise that you will, as you said, relieve Beleril of the rum by tonight, I will say no more about it.”

Rumil nodded. “I can promise you that”.

“Good” Forest said finally. “I only hope that Beleril comes out of this un-tainted, for your sake”.

Rumil nodded again, and then replied quietly. “I shall take my leave.”

“I think you had better, before I change my mind” said Forest. Then, as Rumil reached for the door, she added. “And tell what I said to you, to Jack also”.

~*~



A mile or so from the borders of Lothlorien, two lone riders could be seen, each travelling with considerable haste. They were both dressed in elven riding gear and each mounted on a similar coloured steed. In fact, the only noticeable difference was their features. One had a slim, elegant shaped face with chiselled features and sable hair, the other was more muscular and well-built with golden hair that shone like the sun.

“Think Haldir will be there to greet us as usual, Fin?” called the raven haired elf to his companion.

“Aye, Erestor, if he is not otherwise engaged” replied Glorfindel.

They both chuckled at the in-joke and resumed riding.

“I hear tell there are mortals in the woods these days” continued Glorfindel.

Erestor’s tone grew stern. “Mortals? Dear Glorfindel, you surely jest”.

“I can assure you, I do not” replied Glorfindel. “But you needn’t go in with your sword drawn ready to decapitate any male mortal that crosses your path”.

“Why?” asked Erestor, genuinely curious.

“Because these are females of whom I speak”.

Erestor’s expression softened. “That is all well then”.

Glorfindel shook his head in suppressed mirth. “Erestor, I am positive I will never understand your distrustful nature of male mortals.”

Erestor sighed. He had lost count of the times he had replied to this very same statement, but resumed answering anyway. “I distrust them until I am sure I know them, Fin” he explained. “That is all”.

“You know, for all your knowledge and wisdom, Erestor, I find it strange indeed that you should harbour such a feeling, when even you know that females can be equally wicked as
men”.

“That is true” replied Erestor thoughtfully. “Perhaps you are right, Fin. Perhaps I should give them both equal chances. I guess the reason I, as you say, harbour such feelings is that I have had more pleasant dealings with females than with men”.

Then, upon seeing the amused expression on his friend’s face, Erestor quickly added. “And not always like that, Fin! Dear me, it is true. Your mind does indeed reside in the gutter permanently”

“That is not exactly true” said Glorfindel haughtily. “It takes its vacations there, that is all”.

With that, he exchanged glances with Erestor and then both immediately succumbed to their laughter.

~*~



Erestor and Glorfindel rode swiftly through the trees and minutes later, they were greeted by the all too familiar sight of arrows.

“Haldir, you fruit!” called out Glorfindel. “’Tis us!”

Haldir stepped forward out of the trees and motioned for the others to lower their weapons which they did without hesitation, then waited for his next command. It never came however, for Haldir at once strode forward and seized Glorfindel’s hand.

“Dear, Fin!”” he said with suppressed glee. “It must be at least a decade since our paths crossed”.

“Indeed it is” replied Glorfindel. “A little over that if my memory serves me correctly”.

Haldir then turned to Erestor and bowed, still retaining the happy glow he had from seeing his golden-haired friend again.

“And Erestor, it is truly wonderful to see you again too. Do I remember rightly after our last meeting, you mentioned a few tales and secrets of your work with Lord Elrond? Perchance, will we have the pleasure of such worthwhile conversation on your visit this time?”

Erestor laughed merrily. “Perhaps. But Haldir, I am afraid you will have to get me thoroughly drunk before I even begin to reveal any secrets to you”.

“Even the little ones?” prompted Haldir.

“Even the ones littler than the little ones” grinned Erestor.

Haldir turned his gaze back to Glorfindel. “Hear that, Fin. You have a mission already. To get dear Erestor as soused as is mundanely possible!”

Glorfindel saluted Haldir cheekily. “Yes Captain!” he said, the overly-serious expression on his face causing the on-looking advisor to let out a snort of mirth.

“Well, glad that’s settled” said Haldir rubbing his hands together in a most un-Haldir-ish way. “Let me show you to your quarters.” He turned to his guards. “You all stay here and stand watch. Rumil, you take my post for the moment”.

An abrupt cough sounded from nearby and Haldir looked up. “What, Orophin?”

“Rumil is not here, Haldir” he said.

“Not here?” said Haldir, quite surprised at the news. “Well, he’d better hope the Valar are in his favour by the time I get hold of him”.

Orophin nodded grimly, glad he was not in Rumil’s shoes. “Shall I take your post then, Haldir?”

Haldir sighed and nodded. “Yes, you had better”.

And with that, the three elves walked off in the direction of the city.

They had not gone far however when they spotted a figure ambling towards them, flanked by two elleths, one on each arm. The figure was clearly a long way past sober, but was not wholly drunk.

“Jack?” said Haldir questioningly.

Jack looked up and blinked several times before his vision stopped swimming around him. When he finally registered who it was that had spoken, his face broke out into a grin and he hobbled all the more faster forward.

“Haldir! My dear friend and comrade” he beamed. “Meet Mydia and Daewen”. Jack gestured at the two elleths in turn, each consequently giggling and waving shyly at the newcomers.

“Forgive me, er…..” Glorfindel stopped short.

“Jack” replied Jack. “Or ‘Captain’ Jack, if you please”.

“Right” said Glorfindel raising a brow at the pirate in curiosity and irritation. “Captain, the elleth you have on your right arm does indeed appear to be the very same I met here last, isn’t that right, Mydia?”

The one called Mydia looked confused for a second as all heads turned to her in surprise. Then finally, what Glorfindel was saying registered with her and clicked into place. “Glorfy!” she cried, leaving Jack and flinging her arms around the Balrog slayer’s neck.

Jack looked on aghast as Mydia welcomed her former lover and exchanged confused glances with the rest of the onlookers, who apparently, had never caught wind of this relationship either.

Still grinning stupidly over his handsome face, Glorfindel finally prised Mydia from his person and whispered into her ear, a whisper so quiet that no-one save himself and Mydia could hear it.

“Meet me in half an hour by the fountain in the rose garden” he said.

With a giggle, Mydia sprang off like a gazelle over grass and disappeared back through the city. Erestor meanwhile, looked upon Glorfindel in a new light.

“Dear, Fin” he said, sounding quite in awe. “It far surpassed my wildest suspicions that you were able to keep a secret for such an admirable amount of time, and yet, you have proved me wrong”.

Glorfindel chuckled. “Yes, well, there are certain things that even I would like to remain private and believe me, they are still exactly that after longer than a decade.”

It was indeed at this precise moment in time, that Erestor made it his personal mission to squeeze any deep and dark secrets out of the recesses of Glorfindel’s mind. Therefore, this was a turning point in history, as the advisor had very rarely bothered to find out any secrets which his friend kept hidden away, nor indeed to even listen attentively when Glorfindel had decided to disclose any.

Haldir coughed abruptly to break the awkward silence that had suddenly descended upon the party. Turning to Jack he began to speak.

“Well, Jac-“

But Jack and Daewen had long ago disappeared.

Haldir shook his head in mock despair and turned his attention back to his companions. “Let’s make a move, shall we?”

~*~



More than overjoyed at being able to skive border duty un-detected, Rumil pinned the very last of the notices he had been carrying to the tree beside him, where the parchment in question sat fluttering slightly in the breeze.

“There” the elf said, thoroughly content with his work. “If that doesn’t draw a crowd, I do not know what will”.

The notices in question all said exactly the same thing and were written in exactly the same flowing script.

“Party tonight in the west clearing. All invited. Bring your friends and, if you, wish, a plate of nibbles”.

Dusting himself off, Rumil made his way back to his talan to sit and await the raging thundercloud that would surely soon descend upon him in the form of his elder brother.