Swashbuckling in Lorien

Title: Swashbuckling in Lorien
Author: Forest
Pairing: None
Rating: PG13 (to be safe)
Genre: Humour
WARNING: Insanity
Beta: None
Disclaimer: I own nadda!
Feedback: Yes please! We “aspiring” authors thrive on the stuff.

Summary: Jack Sparrow and Will Turner are somehow transported to
Lorien but how will the elves take to them? How will the ladies of
HL take to them? Will Jack drink all of Lorien dry?

Spoilers: None


~*~



~Chapter 6~



After her brief but fruitful conversation with Elladan, Forest dashed off in the direction of Rumil’s talan, scattering leaves as she went. Minutes later, she skidded to an abrupt halt outside Rumil’s door and dealt a swift glance to the sundial a few metres away. By its reckoning, it was just ten minutes before noon. Forest breathed an enormous sigh of relief and entered the talan.

There was no one there.

“Rumil?” she called out. “Rumil, are you here?”

Her voice echoed dismally in the silence of the main room, the only audible noise being the light twittering of birds outside the open window. The ‘open’ window? Then Rumil could not be far. He never left his window open for long periods of time. Feeling more assured, Forest settled herself on one of the chairs and poured herself a goblet of cool water, awaiting the return of Rumil.

Five minutes passed. Ten minutes. Fifteen. Forest sniffed irritably. Where is Arda was that excuse for an elf? No sooner had those thoughts crossed her mind, the door opened again and in stepped Rumil followed by a very flustered looking Zu.

Forest needed no words. She just raised a brow and Rumil suddenly looked apologetic.

“Sorry I’m late” he began. “But I have a good explanation”.

“Go on then” said Forest. “Let’s hear it”.

“I managed to convince Zu here to join us in our entertainment for the party tonight”.

“Fair enough” replied Forest, smiling. She patted the chair next to her and Zu looking happier, joined her.

“So, is this all there is?” asked Rumil.

“Apparently” said Zu. “I know I haven’t seen anyone else around here today, at least no one we know.

“Well that’s marvellous” sighed Rumil, sinking onto a pouffe. “Absolutely spiffing!”

“Now, now old boy” smirked Forest. “No need to get all steamed up!”

Rumil just glared at her.

“What?” Forest said in outrage. “You can’t blame me for any of this. I was the one who spent the morning recruiting those who were willing!”

“I suppose so” he sighed again. “It’s just I thought we would have more people than this”.

“Well you can’t expect everyone to want to dress up in women’s clothes!” chuckled Zu.

“They are not women’s clothes. They are tasteful costumes!” retorted Rumil, and went back to fuming.

However, their luck was about to turn, although none of them knew it yet.
“Elladan promised he would come” said Forest, patting Rumil’s arm sympathetically. “And he is not one to go back on his word!”

“You are quite correct there!”

Forest, Zu and Rumil looked up sharply to see Elladan standing framed in the doorway, accompanied by a rather disgruntled looking Elrohir.

“Took me ages to prise him away from his bedpost” explained Elladan walking over to them and sitting down. “He agreed initially, but tried to sneak off at the last minute”

“Oh, El, you know Ada will do his nut if he finds out what we’re doing!” moaned Elrohir, seating himself down next to Rumil.

“You let me handle Ada” said Elladan pointedly. “Besides, he’s always complaining that all we do is mooch about Rivendell doing nothing inparticular, and in our talans when we’re here. He’s always telling us we should get out more, and here we are, getting out more!”

“Just don’t blame me when he starts running through Lorien like an enraged Balrog and getting ready to lynch you” replied Elrohir.

“I won’t blame you. Now, is there anyone else coming to this little rendez-vous?” asked Elladan, turning to the others.

Eventually, others did arrive. Dorothy and Zhie skidded in - quite literally just as Rumil was handing round a plate of brownies. This finalised their decision to stay and each helped themselves to a brownie.

“I didn’t know you two could dance” said Dorothy to Elladan.

Elladan swallowed his mouthful of brownie and replied. “We can’t. Not incredibly well at any rate.”

“But then again, this isn’t ‘real’ dancing, as such” interjected Elrohir. “At least, it’s not too complicated, so Elladan will be able to understand it, hopefully!”

This cheeky comment earned Elrohir a glare from his brother which plainly said ‘when we get out of here, you had better run!”

Soon, the brownies were all eaten and Rumil stood up, ready to begin his short talk. The interruptions, however, persisted, as right at that moment, the door opened again and in came Orophin and Beverly.

“Sorry we’re late” Orophin panted as though he had been running across Lorien, which interestingly, he had been.

Rumil, who was rapidly turning pale pink with fury, marched over to his brother and yanked him down on a chair. “And just ‘where’ have you been?” he scowled.

“Keep your hair on, Ru” grinned Orophin. “Look! I brought another recruit!” He gestured to Bev who waved shyly at Rumil, blushing slightly.

“Ah. Good. So that’ll make…..one….two…three” Rumil began to count those around him.

“Nine, brother” said Orophin helpfully, still grinning his face off.

“Yes, nine. Thank you Orophin” said Rumil with a fixed smile. Then in an undertone he added, “no one likes a smart-arse!”

“Can we please get the ball rolling here?” piped up Zhie.

Rumil seemed to finally come to himself. “Oh right. Yes, sorry!”



After the rather hurried meeting, the occupants of Rumil’s talan left hurriedly to practise what they had been assigned. They had been assured that there would be assistance there that evening, but a little quick practise never went amiss.

Rumil himself stayed put in his talan, drinking a cup of very strong lemon tea with a drop of menthol liquor to steady his nerves. What if it didn’t work out? What if something went drastically wrong? Rumil wasn’t well known for being on edge and stressed, but there were times when he made exceptions, and this was one of them.

He supposed he really ought to go and retrieve the rum from Beleril, but right now, he couldn’t be bothered. He would do it later as soon as he had finished his tea. Besides, it wasn’t as though Bel would be caught red-handed.

How very wrong poor Rumil was.

~*~

“What is this?” asked Celeborn, inspecting a bottle of the illegal rum that Rumil, Jack and Julie had nicked from the kitchens.

“Oh, that’s nothing” said Beleril, quite convincingly.

“Nothing?” Celeborn raised a brow.

“I’m looking after it for a friend”

“A friend?” Celeborn repeated. “Who?”

Rumil peered round the door in horror as he saw the Lord of Lorien interrogating Beleril. The beginnings of perspiration were appearing on Rumil’s forehead as he estimated how long it would take for Beleril to crack and blow their cover.

With that, Rumil marched into the room, trying his very best to look utterly composed.

“Good afternoon, my Lord” Rumil said, bowing. “What can we do for you?”

“Well, Rumil” began Lord Celeborn. “I was wondering why Beleril here has fourteen bottles of something stored away in his talan.”

“And why shouldn’t he?” asked Rumil politely.

“Well, it is a bit strange that they all smell like rum”.

Rumil’s stomach did a somersault and he forced his mind to think into overtime. “Oh those bottles” he chuckled uneasily.

“So you do know something about this, then?”

“Oh yes” replied Rumil. “They’re mine!”

“Yours?” Celeborn looked very surprised. “And what exactly are you doing with fourteen bottles of rum in your possession?”

“Oh it isn’t rum” explained Rumil, thinking fast on his feet. “It’s…..erm….water!”

In his mind, he knew the Lord of Lorien was going to see right through the lie and Beleril and Rumil waited with baited breath to see what would happen next.

“Water” repeated Celeborn slowly, “that smells like rum?”

“Water in old rum bottles, my lord” corrected Rumil.

“Prove it”

“I’m sorry, my lord?”

“Prove that it is indeed water in those bottles, Rumil and I shall say no more about it”.

“How, my lord?”

“I know” suggested Celeborn. “Drink at least half, and I shall believe you!”

Rumil looked uneasily at Beleril who bit his lip. Then, taking the bottle from Celeborn, Rumil uncorked it, took a deep breath and pressed the bottle to his lips. Closing his eyes tight so they would not water, Rumil began to gulp down the powerful rum as fast as he could, in an attempt to lessen the burning he was beginning to feel at the back of his throat.

Finally, he released the bottle and showed it to Celeborn who held it up to the light.

“Yes, that is about half” he said. “Very well, Rumil. I believe you”.

Rumil managed a weak smile and nodded.

“Thank you my lord” piped up Beleril.

“Now, I have work to be getting back to” said Celeborn, “so I shall take my leave”

The pair watched as Celeborn departed and as soon as he was out of complete sight, Beleril turned back to Rumil. “He’s gone”.

Rumil mentally praised Eru and made a lightning bee-line for Beleril’s bathroom, dove for the toilet and instantly threw up violently.

Outside, Celeborn smirked to himself. He knew of course, that it had really been rum in those bottles, and the forbidden rum at that. And so he had decided on the most deserving punishment for Rumil, and now, he felt sure Rumil would never try a stunt like that again. As far as retrieving the rum went, Celeborn frankly couldn’t be bothered. He had an inkling that the rest of the rum would be at tonight’s west clearing celebration, and he had always fancied a taste of it now it had mellowed!

~*~

“Oh the poor thing!”

Forest, Zu, Elladan, Elrohir, Orophin and Zhie hurried over to where Beleril was supporting Rumil as they walked towards the west clearing to set up for the party.

“What happened to you?” asked Zhie.

Rumil mumbled something that sounded strangle like “Pretty flowers and bumblebees wheee!”

“He’s drunk” explained Beleril.

“What?” Zu gaped in disbelief. “How did that happen?“

“Celeborn discovered the rum Rumil had asked me to hide, and Rumil tried to pretend it was water. I think Celeborn may have seen through it though, as he asked Rumil to prove it”.

“Prove it?” said Forest. “That’s an odd thing for Celeborn to say”.
“I know” said Beleril. “That’s why I reckon he saw through Rumil’s act. Anyway, Rumil was forced to drink half of a bottle and here is the result talking gibberish in front of us!”

“Well, what are we going to do?” asked Dorothy, who had run up with Beverly and caught the tail end of the conversation.

“I have a rather interesting idea” piped up Elladan.

~*~

Rumil eventually sobered up just as elves, elleths and ladies began arriving for the party. However, he was not sober enough to dance and so they had decided to swap him with Erestor – who had originally been employed to man the autocue.

Rumil sat on a chair towards the back of the clearing, a pile of cards by his side.

“Now, are you sure you’re up to this?” asked Orophin, quite concerned for his brother.

“Yes, Oro. I’m fine. Though I swear I’ll never drink again!”

“Alright, just make sure you don’t get the autocue mixed up or we all….to put it bluntly….dead!”

Rumil nodded and resumed checking the cards’ order. Meanwhile, Orophin nipped backstage past Jack who was guarding the entrance, to see how everyone was getting along.

“I cannot believe I agreed to this!” groaned Erestor, pulling up a pair of knee high purple socks.

“Trust me, Erestor. The original costumes were a *lot* worse!” grinned Forest.

Orophin sniggered and looked around at everyone’s attire. He especially noticed Zhie, who was dressed in a knee high black dress with luminous pink socks, a feather boa and a top hat encrusted with sequins. Much of the clothing was similar in taste, and all seemed to consist of sparkling items, feathers, fluff, silk, lots of make-up and wigs as well as tough leather or plastic boots.

“Okay” hissed Orophin around half an hour later. “Time to get this show underway!”

Silence fell on the crowd who were seated outside and as Forest peered around the side of the stage, she noticed with a grin, that Julie had situated herself conveniently next to Haldir.

Without a word, the nine ambled up on stage and Orophin chanced a glance at Rumil. His brother looked sober enough and alert, holding the first card up and steady.

As soon as Orophin gave the signal, Jack bent down and started the music. A steady beat rumbled through the clearing and Orophin turned slowly round on the spot, and waited for his cue. It came quicker than he had expected, but never one to be flustered, Orophin started singing.

“It's astounding;
Time is fleeting;
Madness takes its toll.
But listen closely...”

Zhie then turned round and walked up to Orophin, draped her arm across his shoulders and smiled seductively at the crowd below and sung the next line. “Not for very much longer.”

Orophin grinned too and continued, swaying his hips slightly as the music finally started going full blast, the beat steady underneath.

“I've got to keep control.
I remember doing the time-warp
Drinking those moments when
The Blackness would hit me…And the void would be calling..”
On their cue, the rest of the ensemble whipped around and joined in, each one, inclusing Erestor, looking like they were enioying themselves.

“Let's do the time-warp again.
Let's do the time-warp again.”

Erestor, swallowed hard as his solo part was coming up next. The others flashed him encouraging glances and this seemed to spur him on to new levels of determination. He could do this and he would do this!

“It's just a jump to the left” he sang smoothly,

As soon as he said that, the other followed his ‘command’ and moved to the left, Zhie swinging her pink feather boa around, clearly throroughly enjoying herself.

“And then a step to the right” they all sang out loud.

By this time, many in the audience had started clapping along to the beat of the music, and by the side of the stage, even Jack himself was doing his own little jig, much to the amusement of those nearby.

“With your hands on your hips” called out Erestor with a smirk as the dancers obeyed and also began to sing the chorus part.

“You bring your knees in tight.
But it's the pelvic thrust
That really drives you insane.
Let's do the time-warp again.
Let's do the time-warp again.”

The audience were now clearly enjoying the spectacle and threw themselves into the fray, cheering and whistling as well as clapping. Coming up next was Zhie’s solo and gathering up all her confidence, she started walking seductively across the stage, her sparkly top hat set jauntily upon her head, glittering in the light.

“It's so dreamy, oh fantasy free me.
So you can't see me, no, not at all.
In another dimension, with voyeuristic intention,
Well secluded, I see all.”

Orophin, on his cue, walked up to her and ran his hand up her arm as he sang.

“With a bit of a mind flip”

“You're into the time slip” sang Zhie.

“And nothing can ever be the same” he smiled down at her winningly.

“You're spaced out on sensation”

“Like you're under sedation!”

Orophin pulled Zhie to him and smirked down at her cheekily as the remaining dancers continued happily with the chorus.


”Let's do the time-warp again.
Let's do the time-warp again.”

Then, grinning like a deranged maniac, Dorothy walked forward with the twins to the front of the stage whilst the others kept dancing behind her. The heels of her boots clicked on the stage as she walked and the twins exchanged grins as they linked their arms in hers as she began her solo.

”Well I was walking down the street just a-having a think
When a snake of a guy gave me an evil wink.
He shook-a me up, he took me by surprise.
He had a pickup truck, and the devil's eyes.
He stared at me and I felt a change.
Time meant nothing, never would again.”

Dorothy just managed to stop herself from blushing as the twins kissed a side of her face in sync and walked back to rejoin the line. Whilst they were doing this, those still in line belted out the next words.

“Let's do the time-warp again.
Let's do the time-warp again.”

By this time, Erestor’s confidence in himself had sky-rocketed with the speed of a Balrog wearing a jet-pack and encouraged ever more by the clapping and cheering of the crowd, he gave his next lines all he had as he and the other dancers alternated lines as they headed for their big finish.

“It's just a jump to the left” he beamed.

“And then a step to the right” the others chanted.

“With your hands on your hips”

“You bring your knees in tight.
But it's the pelvic thrust
That really drives you insane.
Let's do the time-warp again.
Let's do the time-warp again!!”

As soon as they had finished singing, the crowd erupted into thunderous applause. Wolf whistles and cheering rang all over the place and on Julie’s row, someone had even started a Mexican wave which included Crystalline, Vi, Fianna and even Haldir joined in happily, although he did do it half heartedly as he kept one arm wrapped securely around Julie’s waist.

After those upon stage had bowed their last, they retreated off stage, a spring in their steps. Dorothy was still cemented between the twins, but not for long.

“Excellent!” called Jack, running over and winking at Dorothy. “That was almost like being back in Tortuga again!”

“Where?” said Erestor with a bemused grin.

“I’ll explain it to you later” whispered Forest with a smirk.

However, when they all turned back to talk to Jack again, he was nowhere to be seen. And neither, Forest noticed, was Dorothy…..

Chuckling and talking amongst themselves, they trooped off back behind stage to get changed and then to join the party

~*~

As the night wore on, Forest settled herself beside Beleril with a plate of chicken salad and watched all the goings on. At that moment in time, the stage had been taken over by Lorien’s finest musicians and to Forest’s amusement, she realised for the first time in her life, that elves actually knew how to dance the Macarena! She also noticed that the rum was going down with everyone a treat!

Suddenly, just as the Macarena ended, Elladan came tearing through the trees nearby, a panic stricken look upon his face.

“GRIMA!” he yelled.

Forest almost choked upon the mouthful of chicken she was eating at that point and all around her, people were shrieking and elves were nocking their bows. Their state of fear abruptly turned to confusion then annoyance as Elladan broke down into laughter.

“Made you look!”

Elrond, who had been seated nearby, marched up to his son and grabbed him by the arm. “Come on you. I think we need to have a few words!”

The feeling of panic subsided just as quickly as it had came and soon, the party was back into full swing.

As the night was drawing to a close, the band upon stage ended with a slow piece and Forest, upon Beleril’s invitation, agreed to a dance. All around them, Forest saw faces she recognised, including Haldir and Julie who were paired up and dancing together nearby and Orophin and Christen too.

“This” she said as the band’s music melted into her mind. “Has truly been a wonderful evening!”