Swashbuckling in Lorien

Title: Swashbuckling in Lorien

Author: Forest

Pairing: None

Rating: PG13 (to be safe)

Genre: Humour

WARNING: Insanity

Beta: None

Disclaimer: I own nadda!

Feedback: Yes please! We “aspiring” authors thrive on the stuff.



Summary: Jack Sparrow and Will Turner are somehow transported to Lorien but how will the elves take to them? How will the ladies of HL take to them? Will Jack drink all of Lorien dry?



Spoilers: None





Notes: Many, many thanks to Zhie for the “Adventure” idea. *huge hugs* She cured me from a severe case of writer’s block and therefore should be praised in every way humanely possible!





~*Chapter 7*~







Haldir stared up at the ceiling above his bed and blinked blearily. He had been sure he had voices, at least something had woken him. With a groan, he tumbled out of bed with such grace only an elf could achieve, walked over to the window whilst yawning and opened the shutters.



“Ah”.



Haldir suddenly realised what it was that had awoken him and he was not, as he had first suspected, going mad. As soon as the Galadhrim captain had opened the shutters, the sound which had been muffled out, suddenly sprang back to life. Unfortunately for Haldir the sound was neither the joyful singing of birds, nor was it the babbling of the brook in the distance. It was the most unwelcome early morning screeching of his two brothers from outside their talans below and it went something like this:



“I like to move it, move it. I like to move it, move it. I like to move it, move it. Ya like to…MOVE IT!”



Haldir sighed deeply and rubbed his aching temples. This was certainly not what he needed at the crack of dawn. What he found he did need however was a good strong cup of lemon tea to bring him fully into consciousness with the world. He braved a glance out of the window again and to his frustration he found that his brothers were now doing a little jig to their singing as they cleaned and polished their bows. Haldir soon resigned to the fact that as long as his brothers got round to getting their weapons cleaned, their method of doing so really didn’t matter that much to him. What did matter however, was that his desire for a strong lemon brew was increasing dramatically. And so, after washing and dressing absurdly quickly, the elven captain went in search of that which he most needed.



When Haldir arrived at the dining hall, he found that curiously he was not the first there. Seated at a table not more than ten feet or so from the door were Glorfindel, Erestor, Crystalline and Forest.



“Haldir?” said Erestor questioningly as Haldir approached. “Are you feeling quite well?”



“Perfectly, thank you, Erestor” mumbled Haldir, deeply wishing that his vision would stop making him see flashing dots in front of his eyes.



“I think someone enjoyed themselves a little too much last night” smirked Glorfindel.



“Oh, s-shut up” replied Haldir, flopping down onto spare chair and failing to mask a yawn.



“Hung-over and cranky!” chuckled Forest, looking up from her half a grapefruit.



“You’d be cranky if you were woken by the dawn chorus several hours earlier than you would have liked” snapped Haldir.



“Alright, alright” said Forest, looking both amused and defensive, “no need to bite my head off!”



Haldir managed to look apologetic. “Sorry” he murmured, “but have any of you heard them? It’s enough to drive someone completely barmy!”



“Who?” asked Glorfindel.



“My brothers” replied Haldir. “They’ve taken to dancing and singing in the most infuriating manner right outside their talans! Has anyone witnessed for themselves this horror?”



All those listening shook their heads then Crystalline suddenly spoke up. “Although, I did see Elrohir doing a little dance up on his flet early this morning”



Haldir threw up his arms. “The world’s gone mad!” he cried. “Soon we shall be the only surviving sane beings in this land!”



“Now you come to mention it” said Glorfindel thoughtfully, buttering his toast “I did chance a glimpse of Celeborn dancing the Macarena with Galadriel last night up upon their flet”.



Erestor choked on his mouthful of coffee and had to be slapped on the back by an ever-so-slightly concerned Glorfindel.



“Thank-you-Fin” spluttered Erestor, hastily removing Glorfindel’s hand from his person, “but contrary to popular belief, doing that actually makes it worse!”



“Oh” grinned Glorfindel. “Sorry!”



Erestor shook his raven head in mock despair and straightened up again. “Evidently” he began seriously, ”the party in the west clearing last night, has made quite an impression on those in Lorien”.



He said all of this with seemingly great pride and dignity, expelling an aura of supreme intelligence and knowledge as he spoke.



“Wowwww!” said Glorfindel, speaking with an air of awe that fooled no one. “I have truly been enlightened. Thank you, dear friend Erestor. I honestly do not know what I would do without your ever knowing presence to rid us all of our blindness to the complete obvious!”



Erestor scowled and turned a most becoming shade of pale magenta. “Do you live to humiliate me?” he asked Glorfindel through gritted teeth. “And do stop grinning like that! Do you have any idea how insane you look?”



“Numero Uno” replied Glorfindel, putting up a finger, “when one is immortal, one has to find occupations to pass the time of day. Humiliating you just happens to be one of my many worthwhile pastimes. Numero Duo” he continued, putting up a second finger, “yes I realise I look insane. I have spent many years perfecting my ability to look insane to keep a pair of certain twins away from me”.



“Ah” For the first time in many years, the chief advisor of Lord Elrond and three times champion of Rivendell’s ‘Best Kept Bookshelf’ competition was rendered utterly speechless .



~*~



“Well, who shall we take with us?” asked Erestor as they entered the dining hall.



“Oh that’s simple enough” replied Glorfindel, nodding in the direction of a certain lady seated at the table at the far end.



“Zhie?” asked Erestor gaping at his friend. “Why Zhie?”



“Why not Zhie?” grinned Glorfindel.



“No reason” said Erestor thoughtfully, “just took me by surprise, tis all. I thought you’d pick an elleth or an elf to go with”



“Nah, all the elleths I know are a little preoccupied this moment”



“With what?”



“Jack Sparrow” replied Glorfindel with a grin. “Now, as much as I am enjoying this little debate, time is precious to us right now!”



“Nothing like being subtle” sighed Erestor and walked over to Zhie.



In all, it did not take Erestor long to convince Zhie to accompany them on their expedition, however she agreed on one condition…she could wear her favourite hat!



At the top of a hazy, smokey tree in Lorien, three figures sat hunched over a table in the back of the Lascivious Fairy, the most uncouth of all pubs in Lorien. Waiting until there was enough noise in the bar to cover their discussion, the blonde leaned closer to his two dark-haired companions and spoke in a low voice. "Did you bring the map?"



The dark-haired elf nodded and carefully took a folded sheet of parchment from his robes. "Fin, I really don't understand how you're so sure this came from Lothlorien," said the elf, unfolding it and placing it on the table.



"It was in a book Lord Elrond borrowed from Lord Celeborn" explained the third member at the table. "It has to be from Lothlorien."



"Or from any other of a dozen elven realms, here or lost. I think you're both just hungry for an adventure," said Erestor, picking up his glass of wine.



"So what if we are?" pouted Zhie. "One has to do something while waiting for Haldir to get laid."



"He already has" murmured Glorfindel.



"What?" asked Zhie, not quite hearing him.



"I said Haldir has already got laid" replied Glorfindel more audibly, swilling the wine round in his glass.



"Oh" said Zhie, looking a little surprised. "Well, let me re-phrase that. One has to do something while waiting for Glorfindel to get laid".



"Excuse me?" said Glorfindel in outrage. "I have no problems in....*that* department, thank you very much!"



Erestor snorted into his glass. "Yeah, right!"



Glorfindel reddened considerably and coughed smartly. “We’re digressing here. Now, can we please get back to the subject in hand?”



As the trio were discussing the prospects of what secrets the map would yield to them, two figures strode into the bar – a man and a voluptuous woman. At the sight of the woman, Erestor’s mouth curled upwards into a grin and looked up with interest, but Glorfindel soon regained his undivided attention by kicking him quite roughly in the shins.



After shooting an infuriated glare at the Balrog slayer, Erestor continued to regard the pair with a beady look in his eye and as he watched, they sat down at a table and Erestor gasped as the candlelight upon the table lit up the male’s features.



“It’s Jack!” hissed Erestor suddenly to his companions.



“What?”



Glorfindel looked up in alarm. The last thing he needed was that darned pirate spoiling their precious plans. Erestor gestured to the table that Jack and, because of the candlelight, Erestor now realised, an elleth were seated at and Glorfindel’s mouth dropped upon in dismay.



Zhie, cottoning onto the problem, turned around and sighed. “He hasn’t noticed us. Keep your voices down and maybe we’ll be able to slip out unnoticed.



She was wrong, however. Jack had seen them and was now only paying a miniscule amount of attention to the advances of the elleth next to him, and directing most of his hearing to their attempted smothered conversation.



“Look here” said Glorfindel suddenly, pointing to a corner of the map. “There’s a tiny ‘X’ here. That must mean there’s treasure buried somewhere!”



Erestor bent over. “So it does” he grinned.



“Well” said Zhie, downing the last mouthful of her drink, “what are we waiting for. Let’s get a move on!”



With that, her two companions finished their drinks and hastily departed the pub, leaving Jack looking more than a little thoughtful and pirate-ish. He whispered something into the ear of the elleth who immediately turned a rosy pink, giggled and all but ran out of the pub. Jack looked on mournfully at the half empty tankard still sitting on the table. It seemed like such a shame to waste a good pint, but still, where there was treasure involved, you had to make sacrifices.



Taking great care to avert his eyes from his alcoholic beverage, Jack made his way quickly from the pub and followed the trio. He didn’t have to go far, for as soon as he came out the door, he saw them walking hurriedly back down the path. Jack, ducked out of sighed behind a clump of hedges and ran forward to catch up with them. Finally, peering round a tree, he saw them walking quickly towards his hiding place, all three looking quite hilarious as they kept chancing glances over their shoulders.



“I’m so glad he didn’t hear what we were up to” said Glorfindel, a hint of joy evident in his voice.



“I agree” replied Erestor. “Most likely, he would want to come with us” he added with a laugh.



Jack saw the opportune moment and stepped out from behind the tree. “So good of you to invite me” he smirked. “Shall we get this show on the road then?”



The trio’s mouths fell open in shock and Erestor, completely lost for words, contented himself by raising his hands in direction of the heavens. “Manwe! Why do you hate me?” he cried in despair.



~*~



They eventually agreed to Jack accompanying them on their escapade and though the elves were felling quite less joyful in the pirate’s company, Zhie couldn’t be happier. Carrying the map, she bounced along ahead, her sequined covered hat glimmering in the sunlight.



From somewhere up ahead, there came the sound of gently flowing water, and as they approached Erestor’s mood took a defiant upturn. “Nimrodel” he smiled, and then turning a head towards Jack, he came up with a plan. “Captain Sparrow” the advisor began, a glint of plotting in his eye, “you wished to come with us, so you figure out a way for us to cross this obstacle.”



Jack stood still, thinking for a moment and then turning on his heel, he ran back through the woods. “Wait there!” he yelled back at them.



Erestor chuckled to himself. “He’s given up already. Now how can we cross this?”



After several minutes of careful thinking, the trio still had not come up with a suitable plan to get from one side of the river, to the other until there came the sound of gleeful shouting from somewhere upstream. Looking up, Glorfindel paled greatly as he refused to believe what his eyes were seeing.

Sailing downstream towards them, a pirate at the helm was none other than Galadriel and Celeborn’s swan boat. Chancing a glance at his two fellows, Glorfindel swallowed hard in fear as he saw they too were looking directly at the oncoming boat with shock painted clearly over their faces.



“Ahoy there!” called Jack, bringing the boat into mooring at the banks. “I’ve found us a solution!”



Glorfindel jumped to his feet and pointed an elegant finger accusingly at Erestor. “I blame you for this!” he cried. “If you hadn’t suggested so stupidly that the pirate fool go and find a way of crossing, this would never have happened!”



Erestor, red in the face with fury, got to his feet also. “Well, I didn’t see you trying to stop him” he retorted loudly, “infact, if I recall, you were LAUGHING!”



Glorfindel clenched his fists into tight balls to prevent himself from unleashing his entire Balrog-slayer style wrath upon the seething advisor. “I hope no-one finds out about this!” He paled even more so as he considered the possible outcomes and sank to his knees in despair. “Oh, Elbereth! Celeborn will come to me and blame me for this. He’ll say ‘you’re banished’ and I’ll say ‘fine!” Then he’ll say ‘No! Banishment’s not good enough! We’ll throw you into elven criminal death row!’ where then I’ll be tortured to the brink of my sanity by kinslayers….my friends will disown me….my hair’ll fall out…my reputation will be ruined….I’ll become a shadow and fade away…fade…fading…fading…..”



With that, the elf lord collapsed into a blubbering heap upon the mossy ground, a complete wreck at the sight of Jack on board the swan boat. Jack, however, seemed to be completely indifferent to Glorfindel’s distress. He simply raised an amused brow, stepped lightly off the boat, tied it to a tree stump and walked over to join them.



“Pretty ship, ain’t she?” he said, grinning from ear to ear.



Erestor gaped. “You *stole* Galadriel’s precious boat?”



“Commandeered, mate. Commandeered. Nautical term” said Jack pointedly. “No reason to fret. I’m gonna give it back!”



Erestor seemed to think that there was sufficient reason to fret and was about to say so, when suddenly there came the sound of angry elven voices.



“Ah” said Jack. “Time to go!”



So saying, the impetuous pirate leapt back on board the boat, swiftly followed by Zhie and Erestor, the latter who was carrying with some difficulty, Glorfindel, who had infact, now fainted.



Taking a hold of the wheel, Jack set about steering the ship across the river as fast as he could. As soon as they reached the other side, the group hopped off and made a run for it, since the enraged voices were getting closer. In his haste, Jack completely forgot to tie the boat down, and so it began to go with the current, floating placidly downstream.



“Over here!” called an elf, skidding to a halt by the Nimrodel.



Moments later, several other elves, clearly of the Galadhrim, joined him and stood, completely stunned at the sight of Galadriel’s boat floating away.



“What are you waiting for?” yelled the first elf. “Bring it back!”



With that, the elves leapt without any hesitation into the waters of the Nimrodel and swam with all their might towards the escaping boat.



~*~



The group of co-conspirators sank, panting and completely out of breath by a large oak. Glorfindel had been brought abruptly back to life by Erestor deliberately dumping him upon the ground after deciding her couldn’t run and carry a fully grown elf at the same time.



“I’ll tell you something” sighed Zhie after she had got her breath back. “This treasure had *really* better be worth all this!”



Those around her nodded their agreement, but then, Glorfindel who was inspecting the map, gasped in amazement. “We’re there!”



“Where?” asked Erestor, only half listening.



“The map says the treasure is hidden up a large oak tree a little way from the Nimrodel” explained Glorfindel in glee, “and we’re here. A little way from the Nimrodel and by a large oak!”



Jack looked up. “By, ostrich feather hats, you’re right!”



“Yes” mused Erestor, looking somewhat amused, “but the problem still remains of how we get up there”



“Aha!” replied Glorfindel with the air of one who has just had a stroke of genius. “I wasn’t chief of the Professional Tree-Climbers Society as an elfling for nothing, you know”.



Erestor sniggered. “The what?”



“The PTCS” replied Glorfindel proudly. “I’ve still got my badge somewhere. I’ll show it you when we get back home”.



“I’ll look forward to it” said Erestor with very little enthusiasm, “now will you please put your newly remembered skills to some use?”



Glorfindel nodded. “Gladly. Give me a boost up, would you, Zhie?”



Zhie complied happily and soon, those on the ground watched in amusement as Glorfindel hung desperately to a fairly high branch, completely helpless, his legs dangling some way above the ground.



“Of course, I may be wrong here, but from down here, it looks like your tree climbing talents have become a little rusty, Fin” called up Erestor, failing to conceal his mirth.



“Nonsense!” replied Glorfindel, still hanging to the branch. “I’m just analysing the immediate area to see which would be the better way up!”



“Ah. Of course. Carry on!” smirked Erestor, still sniggering.



Most unfortunately for Lorien’s newfound arborist, his next attempt to struggle atop what he now viewed as an ‘out of the ordinary branch’ failed spectacularly, and he landed with a resounding “OW!” amidst the foliage below.



Erestor gazed down at Glorfindel and sighed. “Diddums has fainted again!”



Jack and Zhie rolled their eyes, scarily in sync and wandered over.



“I vote we use him as a ladder to reach the branch” said Jack.



“No!” cried Erestor “That’s far too cruel. Besides, his clothes are fashioned by the finest tailoring. ‘Twould be an insult of the worst kind to tread and crumple such fine craftsmanship”.



“I see” said Zhie, “and for those english speakers amongst us?”



“No” replied Erestor with a grin.





They finally reached their destination by standing on each others shoulders and finally stood, agape at what was before them.



“A treehouse?” cried out Jack in utter disbelief.



“Don’t knock it” said Zhie. “It’s the treasure we came here for.”



Jack nodded in agreement and followed the pair inside. All three had to crouch, for the ceiling was pretty low and if they had stood upright, they may have taken the roof off. It was bare inside apart from two small stools and a wooden chest.



“Great!” shouted Jack, hurrying towards the chest and preparing himself for the jewels and gold that would undoubtedly be concealed inside. However, upon closer inspection, they found the chest to be locked tight with no key or implement around to open it.



“Bother” sighed Erestor, “all that work for an un-openable chest”. So saying, he kicked it hard, only achieving a very sore toe in the process.



Zhie sat herself down upon one of the stools, thinking hard. Finally, her eyes lit up with the discovery of a plan. “I know! We’ll take it back to Lorien and open it there!”



“Or we could just throw it out the door and let it smash on the ground below. That should open it!” grinned Jack.



“Dingbat. Do you really want to break anything that could be inside it?” pointed out Erestor.



Jack fell silent.



“Alright, Zhie” said Erestor, standing up, well crouching up. “You take one end, I’ll take the other and we’ll ease it down the tree, bit by bit, alright?”



Zhie nodded.



“And what do I do?” interjected Jack.



“You go first to provide us with a soft landing if we fall!” smirked Zhie.



~*~



It was a long trek back through the woods to Lorien. They had eventually got to the bottom of the tree, with much difficulty and complaining from Erestor about his toe. He only shut up when Zhie threatened that he would not be carrying the chest back to Lorien, but Glorfindel instead. It was this remembrance of Glorfindel’s weight, that made Erestor seal his mouth most obediently.



Getting back across the Nimrodel had been pretty easy. Some elven klutz who had been there before them, most likely one of the ones who had gone after the escapee boat, had left a strong rope-bridge that crossed the waters. Once on the other side, Erestor shook his head in despair as he rolled up the rope. “Dear me!” he sighed. “And they wonder how so many enemies cross this river!”



Back at Glorfindel’s room, the trio set to work on the chest (Glorfindel had been lain upon his bed, still out for the count). After over half an hour of fiddling, hitting, banging and prising, the chest remained locked tight. Suddenly, a happy whistling broke the silence and Rumil looked in, swiftly followed by his two brothers.



“Hallo. Having fun?” he asked.



“Not exactly” replied Zhie, “You see-“



“Hang on!” Rumil’s eyes widened. “Is that - ? Orophin come here and look at this!”



Orophin peered over his brother’s shoulder and suddenly began to laugh. “Why, sweet Elbereth, I don’t believe it!”



Without another word, Orophin shot out the room and down the corridor, returning a minute later with a silver key clutched in his palm. He moved towards the chest and fiddled with the lock for a second or so, until finally with a sharp ‘click’ the lid opened to reveal……



“What in Manwe’s name is this?” gaped Erestor.



The chest was packed solid of child’s toys, wooden swords and costumes. Reaching inside the chest, Orophin pulled out two of the swords, threw one to Rumil and threw a stuffed toy orange dragon to Haldir, who caught it with a broad grin on his face.



“Sparky!” he cried happily, hugging the dragon to his chest. “I thought I’d lost you!”



Meanwhile, the two brothers were happily playing with the swords.



“Engard!” cried Rumil, pretending to draw his sword from a non-existent belt. “Ha ha! Your days are numbered, elf!”



Orophin laughed. “Not likely, foul orc! For I, the great Orophinius you shall defeat you!”



Haldir was now searching through the chest, uncovering all of his ‘friends’ including ‘Happy’, ‘Sparkle’ and ‘Joey’!



“Oh my” sighed Erestor. “Who would have thought the ‘treasure’ was really their elfling toys?”



Zhie shook her head. “Not me, but then again, they are quite sweet!”



Erestor looked at her, surprised. “Who? They toys or the brothers?”



Zhie laughed. “Both, I suppose!”



Jack, however, looked a little worried. “Never again shall I say ‘not all treasure is silver and gold’, for now, I am quite certain I am cursed for life!”