Swashbuckling in Lorien

Title: Swashbuckling in Lorien
Author: Forest
Pairing: None
Rating: PG13 (to be safe)
Genre: Humour
WARNING: Insanity
Beta: None
Disclaimer: I own nadda!
Feedback: Yes please! We “aspiring” authors thrive on the stuff.

Summary: Jack Sparrow and Will Turner are somehow transported to Lorien but how will the elves take to them? How will the ladies of HL take to them? Will Jack drink all of Lorien dry?

Spoilers: None


~*~

Chapter 1

~*~



“Argh! No!”

“Catch them!”

“Oh crumbs”.

Sheets upon sheets of paper were blown out from the stack and began to fly across the ground with lightning speed. Dorothy and Forest scrambled across the ground, each trying in vain to catch the escaping papers. As soon as one was caught, a fresh gust of wind blew up and the paper would leap out of their grasp like wet soap. They hurried along the ground, while back at where they were seated; Julie and Mei were wrestling the remaining papers into a leather bag before they could blow away.

Quite suddenly, the ground began to slope steeply downwards, almost vertically, and it was a sheer drop to the bottom. Forest and Dorothy watched in dismay as the escapee papers flew over the edge and far out of their reach. Sighing, they mooched back to Mei and Julie who had successfully managed to bag the other papers.

“Did you get any?” asked Julie as they approached.

Forest and Dorothy shook their heads.

“Oh well, I’ll just have to write the beginning again” sighed Julie. “It shouldn’t take too long”.

Forest looked around thoughtfully. “The wind’s picking up. I reckon we should head back”.

The other three considered this for a moment and then nodded. They retrieved their belongings from the ground and began to make their way back to the city.

~*~


Far away from any woodland glades, the Caribbean sun blazed overhead in the azure sky. No cloud could be seen so the sea was very pleasantly warm, soft, alabaster sand stretched for miles and miles and very near to the sea, there lay two figures. The younger one lay on his side, apparently reading, whilst the other was humming. Between significant hums, he would lift the bottle he had brought with him and take a huge swig of its contents.

The young male looked up from his book. “How you can possibly drink that at this time of the day, Jack, is beyond me”.

Jack paused, the bottle halfway to his mouth and sighed. “It is rum, Will. It is made to be drunk at any time of the day. To not do so, would be an insult to it”.

Will rolled his eyes and turned back to his book.

Suddenly a warm rush of wind swept along the sand, sending a cloud of it straight into Jack’s mouth. Jack coughed and spluttered then downed an even more substantial amount of rum.

“Where- did – that come from?” he coughed.

But Will was not listening. He was more interested in the pieces of paper that had suddenly been blown from nowhere in particular.

“Never mind that” he said. “What about them?”

Jack looked up, curious, and saw the pieces of paper fluttering along the sand. Without a second thought, Jack sprang forward and seized a handful of the papers that had blown near him. “Hey, Will!” he called, there’s writing on them!”

Will was suddenly even more interested and scrambled to his feet. Jack watched interestedly as Will ran along the beach, collecting every last piece. Finally, Will wandered back, around ten or so pieces clutched in his hand.

“How many are there?” he asked Jack upon his return.

“Well, I’ve got three” Jack replied.

“And I’ve got ten” said Will.

“Who would let thirteen pieces of paper just blow away?” said Will thoughtfully.

“Does it matter” grinned Jack. “What do they say?”

With that, the pair began reading through the papers and once they had each finished, Will looked up, wide-eyed. Jack on the other hand, just took another humongous swig of rum.

“I had no idea it was still legal to write this sort of stuff” Will said, frankly astounded.

“Legal?” Jack looked up from his bottle, a surprised expression on his face. “Why wouldn’t it be?”

Will shrugged. “Doesn’t seem like the sort of literature someone would want to show to the public”.

Jack looked wildly around. “Well, whoever wrote this must still be around here somewhere. I say we go and find them and see if they have the next chapter written yet”.

Will sighed but still, as Jack got up, he resigned to follow him.

~*~


Jack sat up slowly, rubbing his head. Beside him, Will lay unconscious and beside Will, lay the bottle of rum.

With a grin, Jack got up and grabbed the bottle. “Glad I corked that” he said, picking it up. “Or the leaves would be having a nice little party”.

Jack’s eyes suddenly widened and he looked around. Trees, taller than a ship’s mast surrounded him and under his feet there was no longer sand, but grass and leaves.

“What in Isla De Muerta just happened?” he asked no-one in particular.

Suddenly, a pained groan sounded from behind him. Jack span round and saw Will getting slowly to his feet. He registered their surroundings even quicker than Jack.

“Where are we?” he groaned, looking around at the strange new environment.

“I don’t know” said Jack stroking his moustache thoughtfully. “But I like the smell. It smells like rum, and is therefore a civilised and most worthwhile place to be in”.

Will looked at him. “It smells nothing like rum, you idiot” he said. “You’ve just had so much to drink you can smell your own breath!”

Jack considered this for a moment, before sinking down on a rock. “Oh yes” he sighed. “You’re right there.” His eyes fell on the half-full bottle of rum in his hand.

“Let’s try to find out where we are” said Will finally.

“Forget exploring” said Jack, uncorking the bottle. “I need a drink!”

Will shook his head in despair. “Alright, you drink yourself stupid while I try and figure out where we are and how we got here!”

“Fine by me” said Jack, his speech slightly slurred.

With that, Will turned and marched off through the trees, leaving Jack on his rock.

~*~


Orophin turned to his brother suddenly. “Hal. Did you hear that?”

Haldir stopped and looked at Orophin curiously. “Hear what?”

The whole of the Galadhrim stood silent and watchful, ears and eyes alert for any sound or movement. Then quite suddenly, the sound of drunken laughter echoed through the trees.

“We’re devils, we’re black sheep, we’re really bad eggs, drink up me hearties yo ho!”

The elves looked at each other, astounded and curious then, one by one, they slipped away like clearing mist through the trees, silent and unseen.

Jack meandered his way drunkenly through the woods, his speech excessively slurred and his vision blurry. “Yo ho, yo ho, a pirate’s life for me!” He let out a drunken snort of laughter and took yet another swig of rum.

“Now” hissed Haldir to those near him.

“Drink up, me hearties y - ” Quite suddenly, Jack froze, mid-song. Having around twenty arrows around you could quite disorientate some people, but not Jack.

“This is wonderful!” he laughed. “I like my women strong!”

The Galadhrim looked at each other, apparantly quite insulted. Haldir however, stepped forward and began to address Jack.

“What business do you have in our wood, human?”

Jack blinked, then clapped Haldir happily on the back. “Great show, my lovelies, but you do not have to sweet-talk me. I’m Capt’n Jack Sparrow. Savvy?”

Haldir raised an irritated eyebrow. Already this human, drunk or not was trying his patience. Stumbling slightly, and not deterred at all by the arrows around him, Jack made his way over to Rumil.

“How about a kiss, love?” he grinned.

Rumil backed away, quite shocked.

“Right!” announced Haldir. “Blindfold him and bind his hands!”

Orophin and another Galadhrim guard stepped briskly forward. Orophin grabbed Jack’s hands and tied them roughly behind his back while the other blindfolded him. To their surprise, Jack took this remarkably well.

“Even better, ladies!”

Haldir shook his head in disgust and motioned for his brother and the guard to lead Jack through the woods.

As they walked, Rumil turned to Haldir. “Why didn’t we just shoot him?”

“Because, dear brother, once this vile creature is sober, he may in fact have business here. Also, he seems to be no threat in this state. The lord and lady will know what to do with him”.

Rumil nodded and followed, but still remained quite doubtful.