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Debbie Does the Fellowship

Chapter 3: Surprises and Decisions

by GypsieRose

CHAPTER 3: Surprises and Decisions

The next evening, as they pulled the boats ashore to make camp, Debbie offered to help gather the firewood. Though all four hobbits wanted to go along with her for some reason, Aragorn decided that she'd feel less burdened if she was accompanied by someone more steadfast--such as Gimli. Besides, if the Enemy sensed the Ring on her, Gimli would be far more efficient a protector than the hobbits.

There seemed to be very little dry wood on the forest floor near the bank, so the two had to go deep into the leafy woods to find suitable tinder. Debbie bent over to retrieve a nice-sized branch, and found herself eye-to-eye with a very solemn dwarf who had not yet collected a stick of firewood.

"I've seen you mucking about with the hobbits, Missy!" Gimli growled.

Debbie wondered if she should reach for her pepper spray, as the dwarf came equipped with a rather large and sharp axe. His beady eyes glowered at her from a mass of tangled facial hair which seemed a combination of beard, moustache, eyebrow, and scalp.

"You've not had anything until you've had a dwarf!" Gimili shouted, whipping the belt from his waist. His trousers promptly fell about his ankles.

Debbie's eyes widened with sudden appreciation. "Glad to see you're not a dwarf in *every* respect," she said lasciviously.


Later, when the Fellowship had all but given up on having a fire that evening, Debbie and Gimli returned, sheepishly dragging a small quantity of wood.

"Are you hurt?" Aragorn called to Debbie, noticing a strange stiffness to her walk.

She exchanged a brief grin with Gimli, and called back, "Nope--couldn't be better!"


"I'm telling you, Boromir, that things aren't going to go well--"

"Quiet, witch! Nothing's gone well since you've joined our Fellowship." Boromir scowled at Debbie.

Debbie did her best to scowl back. According to the book, they were only a few days from Amon Hen, but despite all of her numerous attempts to warn Boromir of his impending death, he would not listen at all. "It's not fair to say nothing's gone well," she countered.

"I should have the Ring," Boromir complained.

"Yeah, that's a hell of a plan, big guy." Debbie gave him "the hand" and walked away into the forest.

She'd only gone a little ways in, when she noticed the undergrowth had grown thicker, making it quite hard to see in the growing night. She heard a rustle in the bushes next to her, and she threw open her purse and readied her pepper spray, hoping it would work on orcs.

When the rustle did not quiet in several minutes, she decided to investigate, in case it was a spy or Gollum or something. She parted the bushes carefully and peered into the clearing beyond.

The sight that assailed her made even Debbie blush. Two exquisite male figures, whom she soon identified as Legolas and Aragorn, were rolling about in each other's arms on a pile of their discarded clothing. Their skin shone brilliantly in the moonlight. Legolas' blond mane, loosed from its binding, fell across Aragorn's strong shoulders as they embraced. The elf clutched at the Man's well-muscled back, calling out a lot of words in a language Debbie couldn't understand, but guessed was Elvish.

She cleared her throat rather loudly.

"By Elbereth!" Aragorn shouted, leaping up and shielding himself with Legolas.

"Fearless Leader," Debbie began slyly, "Who knew all those thousands of fanfiction stories were correct?"

"I've never done this before in my life," Aragorn sputtered. "It's all Legolas' fault."

"It was your idea!" Legolas insisted. "I only went along because I haven't been laid for millenia."

"Do you know how long I've been engaged?!" Aragorn said sadly.

"So," Debbie began slowly, "You two aren't really, like, in love or anything?"

"Um...no," said Aragorn flatly.

"With a human? Not hardly," sniffed Legolas.

"Hmm...," Debbie gazed at the two admiringly. "So the only problem is neither of you are getting any. Why didn't you ask me sooner?"

Legolas and Aragorn looked at each other.

"You mean to tell me," Aragorn began slowly, "that you would've...that I didn't have to...Elbereth--what was I thinking?!"

"Hey," Legolas said, slightly hurt. "It isn't as if I'm not pretty, you know. But she is a good deal better-looking than you are."

Debbie chuckled. "Hmm...one at a time, or both together? I hate making up my mind."


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Chapter name
Surprises and Decisions
11 Aug 2003
Last Edited
11 Aug 2003