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Debbie Does the Fellowship

Chapter 5: A Savior Arrives

by GypsieRose

CHAPTER 5: A Savior Arrives

"I insist--take the Ring to Mordor," Boromir said earnestly. "I was selfish to have wanted to go home in the first place, and it's so much more important to get rid of the cursed thing once and for all."

"Well, that's a switch," Frodo muttered. "Wonder what's gotten into him?"

"More like what he's gotten into," Sam snickered.

"More like who," Pippin corrected.

The Fellowship sat on the banks of the river, listening to the roaring of the Rauros falls in the distance. The were trying to decide a new course of action, now that Debbie had changed their paths irrevocably.

"If we're going to Mordor, we'd best get going," Aragorn pressed. "'Tis a long journey, and I do not wish to burden Debbie with the Ring for longer than is necessary."

Debbie smiled, looking quite lovely in the new black shirt the Ranger had lent her. "It's not really a burden at all."

"He's right, you know," Legolas added.

"True--one does not simply walk into Mordor," Boromir agreed.

"Why not?" asked Debbie.

The others looked at her, agape.

"We've just walked into everyplace else. Why should this be any different?"

"You are either exceedingly brave or exceedingly foolish," Aragorn said to her.

"Do not insult the Lady Debbie," Gimli growled, standing.

"I did not intend to insult her," Aragorn retorted, "I simply--"

"You simply wanted her all to yourself this evening," Merry accused.

"He had her last night," Frodo reminded them all.

"So did you," Legolas pointed out. "And Sam. And Gimli, too, by the sounds of it." He tossed his blond hair, which was done up in an attractive French braid.

"You're just salty because you didn't see any 'action in battle' last night yourself," countered Pippin.

"Oh, 'salty', eh? And now you're trying to speak in her language just to impress her," the elf sniffed.

"I don't have to do that--I've got skills enough to make an impression on my own!"

"Um, guys?" Debbie tried to interrupt.

"Shh--I'm defending your honor," Pippin insisted.

"Defending your own, more like," Sam added.

"None of you has any honor at all--nor do you know how to please a lady such as Debbie," Boromir said, jumping to his feet.

"And I suppose you do?" Aragorn asked testily.

"She seemed pretty pleased the other night," Boromir answered smugly.

"That's because she'd been with me first," came the future King's reply.

"Guys?" Debbie tried again. None of them seemed to be paying her any mind at all. There had been a week of nothing but argument by day and...tossing and turning by night, and she was growing weary. She stood up herself, and shouted, "Will you all please SHUT THE HELL UP?!"

"You've angered Lady Debbie," Frodo accused.

"You were arguing, too," Merry pointed out.


The Fellowship fell silent.

"If we're gonna go, we should just go and get it over with!" Debbie said. "And tonight, I want a full night's rest, got it?"

"Perhaps I can find an incantation to help with that."

The voice came, deep and rich, out of the woods behind them. They turned to see Gandalf, resplendent in robes of white, leaning on his staff at the edge of the forest.

"I've been watching over you for two days now," the wizard continued. "You seem to have completely lost your way, and I believe this lady is the cause."

"I didn't mean to," Debbie said. "They won't leave me alone."

"I think I've found a way to solve your problem and ours at once, my dear," Gandalf answered. "It may involve some flashy, dangerous bits, though, so why don't we go off a ways from the rest? I wouldn't want any of them getting caught up in the spell."

"She's got the Ring, Gandalf," Frodo said.

"I noticed." The wizard glared at Aragorn, who quickly bowed his head. "I think perhaps that we can send--Debbie, is it?--back to her own world, and send the Ring along with her. It'll do no harm without a Dark Lord to wield it."

"Miss Debbie's...leaving?" Sam quavered, teary-eyed.

"Thank you," Debbie whispered to the wizard. Then, out loud, she added, "It's been great fun traveling with you all, but I really need my sleep."

Gimli strode forth and wrapped his bear-like arms around her legs. "I shall certainly miss you, Lady Debbie."

"I have a feeling I may miss you as well, Gimli," she answered, patting him on the head.

Legolas stepped forth, touching his blond braid. "Thank you for showing me how to do this," he said, kissing her hand.

"No problem," she replied.

"I'll never forget what you did for me," Frodo called shyly from the sidelines.

"I'll never forget what you did for my Master," Sam called after him.

"You both take care of each other," Debbie said sweetly.

Merry and Pippin embraced each other, crying too hard to comment.

Boromir stepped forth, and with one fluid motion, swept Debbie off her feet and into his embrace. He leaned her backwards, kissing her passionately. "I could never love another as I love you, my Lady," he declared.

"Be brave and true, Boromir, as I know you can," she answered breathlessly.

Aragorn came forth last. "We shall miss you, Ringbearer," he said softly, taking her hand.

She pressed something into his palm.

"What's this?" he said, looking at the oddly colored box with the strange runes upon it.

"Remember how you were saying you were worried about 'creating heirs' before you were ready for them?" Debbie asked the Ranger.


"These are for you and Arwen. When you unwrap the package, it should be pretty apparent how you use them. Just...er...sheathe the sword, if you catch my meaning." She winked.

Aragorn embraced her tightly in a strong hug.

"If that's all in order?" Gandalf asked, his bushy eyebrows raised.

Debbie waved at the Fellowship one last time before stepping into the forest with the wizard. "One question, Gandalf, before we get on with this."

"Yes?" he asked, turning to face her.

"Is that a staff in your pocket or are you just happy to see me?"

Gandalf sighed. "Both, actually. I suppose this spell will keep another half an hour."

THE END Smile smiley face

AUTHOR'S NOTE: This story was born out of a very giggly 3 a.m. conversation. Hopefully it's as funny now as it was to us at the time! For those who are wondering, Debbie's not really a self-insertion, in the sense that neither of us are much like her. She's more an over-the-top parody of a typical self-insertion character. We hope you have enjoyed her exploits.


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Chapter name
A Savior Arrives
11 Aug 2003
Last Edited
11 Aug 2003