Hoofin' It

Title: When All Else Fails



Title: Hoofin' It

Author: Emmess

Rated: PG 13

Summary: Legolas finds that he has a telepathic connection with his new mount.

Genre: Humor

Warnings: Excessive horsing around. Snort.

Timeline: Third Age, during the War of the One Ring. Legolas has just received his new mount, Arod, from Eomer, the Horselord of Rohan.

A/N: Arod's thoughts are signified by //

Inspired by Lady Mirfain…



Hoofin' It, Part One



"May these horses bear you to better fortune than their former masters. Farewell," Eomer said, mounting his own steed in one jump that spoke of a lifetime in the saddle. Without waiting for a reply, the Riders of the Mark turned and rode off as one, thundering across the dusty plains of Rohan leaving the Man, the Elf, and the Dwarf alone once again.

Legolas watched with his companions until the troupe of riders were mere dots on the horizon before lifting Gimli to the back of their new steed. Mounting the powerful white stallion, he clucked softly under his breath, urging Arod on.

// "I cannot believe that he left me. A stallion of Mearas descent, and he leaves me with an Elf and a Dwarf, of all things." //



Legolas started, quickly looking around for the source of the deep voice. "Gimli," he asked, turning around in the saddle, "did you say something?"

"No. And pay attention to where yer taking this thing, Elf. I've no wish to ride off the edge of a cliff," Gimli answered gruffly.

"There are no cliffs on the plains of the Riddermark, Gimli. You are certain that you did not speak?" Legolas asked again.

"Are ye hearing things now, Elf? I knew I should have ridden with Aragorn."

"I am NOT hearing things, Dwarf. It must have been the wind."

"The wind. There is no wind, Legolas. And the only voice so far has been yer own."

"Never mind. Forget that I ever said anything," Legolas replied tersely, turning to face forward once more. He convinced himself that Gimli had indeed spoken and was simply indulging in some type of feeble Dwarven humor.

// "Argh! The Dwarf smells worse than offal. When was the last time he bathed? Has he EVER bathed? I think not." //



Again Legolas was startled, scanning the immediate area around him for the source of the mysterious voice. It couldn't have been Gimli…of that he was quite positive now. Gimli would never have questioned his own hygienic habits…he freely admitted that he bathed as infrequently as possible.

"Who are you?" Legolas thought, whipping his fair head from one side to the other, as if trying to catch someone sneaking up on him from behind.

"ELF! Stop twisting yer head like that…yer making me dizzy," Gimli grumbled from behind him. "And yer hair is lashin' me in me face!"

// "If you must know, it is I, Arod. Your mount…your horse. You remember…that big white thing under your considerable ass." //



"You've quite a mouth on you for a horse," Legolas replied in his head, not understanding in the least how the conversation was taking place. "I know very well what a horse is…I also know that horses do not ordinarily speak. And my ass is of normal size and structure…for an Elf."

// "I am no ordinary horse. I am a direct descendant of the Mearas. I have Shadowfax, the Lord of the Horses' blood running through my veins, which makes me royalty of some type or other, and I'll thank you to not forget it, Elf." //



"Really? Well, for your information, I am a Prince, you flea-bitten bag of bones, and I'll thank YOU not to forget THAT," Legolas replied snippily, not liking the horse's haughty tone.

// "Ha! A Prince? You expect me to believe that an Elven Prince was wandering the Riddermark, horse-less, with an rear-end the size of Rohan, and in the company of scruffy, foul-smelling Man and a scruffier, fouler-smelling Dwarf?" Arod scoffed, thrusting his nose in the air and snorting. //



"Are you calling me a liar? I do NOT have to listen to insults from a beast of burden! You know…I believe I may have a pair of spurs in my saddlebag. Very sharp spurs."

// "Do not threaten me, Elf! I'll rear up and throw both of your asses in the dirt." //



Legolas's lips pressed into a thin line, angry and insulted, but unwilling to continue in the banter with his horse, fairly certain that his mount would do just as he had threatened. He had no desire to find himself sitting in the dust of the Mark with a sore rump while trying to explain to Gimli and Aragorn how he had ended up there. If they were thrown, the Dwarf would never let him forget it.

They rode on in silence for a while, the only sound being the loud breathing of the Dwarf.

// "Has he a sinus problem?" Arod finally asked, his ears twitching. //



Legolas snorted under his breath. "Haldir of Lorien said that he breathed so loudly the Elves could have shot him in the dark."

// "I believe it. He sounds like a trumpet." //



"His nose isn't the only part of him that sounds like a trumpet. Wait until we make camp, and he's had his supper."

// "I can hardly wait," Arod replied dryly. //

"Between his nose and his ass, he's quite the musician."

// "Hmph. You are quite amusing…for an Elf." //



"It is my sole purpose in life to be entertainment for my horse." Legolas replied sarcastically.

// "As it should be. So tell me, Elf-rider, where are we off to? Somewhere with water, I should hope…even you are beginning to stink. //



Legolas frowned, remembering the fate of the Halflings. "We travel over the yonder hill toward a burning pyre of Urak Hai," he replied, sadness evident in his voice.

// "A burning pile of Urak Hai? Wonderful. We really must talk about your choice of travel destinations, Elf." Arod sniffed, rolling his eyes

back toward his rider. "Shouldn't we be running AWAY from the putrid pile of burning bodies? //



"Two of our companions, Merry and Pippin of the Shirefolk, may have found their end there. We need to search for their bodies," Legolas replied, a warning in his voice.

// "My sympathies…truly. It is simply that I have just COME from that particular pile of Urak Hai, and I can tell you most assuredly that they stank enough while alive. I can only imagine what they smell like now." //



"You were there? Did you see them? They would appear to be but children to your eyes…" Legolas asked, stiffening with eagerness at the possibility that his horse had seen the Hobbits.

// "I believe that I remember seeing two short, hairy-hooved chaps…would that be them?" //



"Yes! Yes! That would be them! What happened to them? Did they survive, or did they…" Legolas' voice trailed off, unwilling to voice the possibility that his friends were dead.

// "I have no idea. You'll have to excuse me…I was a tad bit busy trying to avoid being skewered by the enemy." //



"Aragorn!" Legolas shouted to the Ranger as he tapped Arod's sides with his heels, "Quickly!"

// "No need to dig your heels into my sides! A simple 'step it up, Arod' would have sufficed! I've half a mind to dump you off and dig MY hooves into YOUR sides to see how much you 'd like it! //



"Arod, please…our friends may yet be alive!"

// "And if they are, who is going to cart them around? Not me…I'm already carrying your big fat rear and the Dwarf. You can bloody well perch them on your shoulders and tote them across the Mark yourself because they are not getting on my back!" //



"I do NOT have a fat rear," Legolas huffed, momentarily distracted from the plight of the Halflings by Arod's insult.

// "You only think so because it's always behind you. You should try looking at it sometime…it's absolutely huge. Really…what have you been eating? Blubber? Do Elves hibernate? You have a thick enough layer of fat to last you the winter." //

Legolas frowned down at his mount, about to dig his heels into the horse's sides again when the pyre of the Urak Hai came into view. Arod skidded to a stop some fifty paces from the pyre and resolutely refused to budge another inch.

// "This is as close as I am getting. Get off and walk, if you wish to go closer, Fatty. You could use the exercise." //

"I AM NOT FAT!" Legolas shouted in his mind, causing Arod's ears to twitch and a shudder to run down the horse's neck. Arod snorted and pawed the ground in irritation. Nevertheless, he remained where he was as Legolas gracefully dismounted, reaching to help Gimli down as well.

Gimli rushed to the burnt pile of Urak Hai bones and armor, digging through the smoldering ashes. He cried out in dismay when he found one of the Hobbit's belts.

Legolas felt tears welling in his eyes, and he touched his fist to his chest in memory of his fallen friends. He watched Aragorn fall to his knees, a hoarse cry in his throat.

// "Are they dead, then? So sorry…my sympathies. Get on and let's be off…I'll not be able to get this stench out of my hide for a month!" //

"One more word…just ONE more, and I will feed you in small pieces to the Dwarf!" Legolas growled, shooting his mount a menacing look.

// "Hmph. Very nice sentiment coming from a Prince…" Arod thought, lifting his head and purposely looking away from the Elf. //

Thus distracted, Legolas nearly missed the change in Aragorn's demeanor as he began spying clues in the dirt of the Hobbits' last struggles. "A Hobbit lay here," he said, brushing his hand through the soft, disturbed dirt. "And the other…their hands were bound…their bonds were cut! They crawled here…"

Legolas walked to join Aragorn and Gimli as they stood staring into the black depths of Fangorn Forest.

"What madness drove them in there?" Gimli wondered aloud, looking up at Legolas.

// "The same madness, evidently, that keeps me from bolting and putting as much distance between myself and you as possible," Arod thought, his nostrils flaring as he gingerly skirted the pyre of the Urak Hai and came to stand just behind the Elf and the Dwarf. "Perhaps it is something in the air. Oh, wait…there IS something in the air…the stomach-turning stench of burnt Urak Hai…CAN WE GO NOW?" //



Aragorn's horse, Hasufel, came to stand meekly behind his new master, placidly reaching over Aragorn's shoulder to nibble at the leaves of the trees that marked the beginnings of the dark forest.

// Arod cast the gentle horse a withering look. "How can you possibly eat with that stench all around us?"//



// Hasufel looked over at Arod, a rather vacant look on his equine face, still chewing. "Hungry. Leaves good. //



// "Someone fed you paint chips as a colt, didn't they? Sigh. Don't eat any more of those…you'll have the green apple splatters for a week." //



// "Leaves good." //

// "Elf…do not - and I cannot stress this enough - ride behind Aragorn. Elf? Did you hear me? Elf?" //



"If you do not shut up this instant, Arod, I will tether your nose to Hasufel's rear for the rest of our journey," Legolas spat, picking up Gimli and setting him on Arod's back.

"What? What did you say, Legolas? I didn't quite catch it," Gimli asked, squirming a bit on Arod's back as his bottom protested yet another day of riding.

"Nothing, Gimli…nothing at all," Legolas said, realizing that he had spoken aloud. He jumped up, straddling Arod.

// "Nice…now they're beginning to think you mad…talking to yourself and all. Perhaps they'll leave you in Fangorn. One less crazy, fat-rumped Elf for the world to deal with." //



"I am NOT FAT!" Legolas thought, grinding his teeth. He gave Arod a purposeful quick little jab with his heels, purposely keeping his mount's nose directly behind Hasufel's rear as they entered Fangorn.



"What do your Elven eyes see, Legolas?" Aragorn asked the Elf, as they paused and dismounted to scan the area for signs of the Hobbits.

"The White Wizard approaches," Legolas whispered, his blue eyes shifting to indicate the Maia's approach.

The Elf, Man, and Dwarf turned as one, letting axe and arrow fly, Aragorn's sword drawn upon the White Wizard.

The revelation of Gandalf the White rocked them to their cores, all three kneeling before the glowing Maia before them.

"Forgive me," Legolas said, his eyes tearing, "I mistook you for Saruman."

// "You ask HIS forgiveness? What about mine? You left me back there among angry trees that were none too pleased to have Hasufel leaving little presents for them among their roots! They nearly took my hide, you traitorous, pointy-eared…" //



"Arod! Be silent! Do you not know in whose presence you stand?" Legolas thought, glaring at his approaching mount.

"Arod? Arod…I believe I remember Shadowfax mentioning your name once or twice…weren't you the colt who ran off to join that troupe of wandering minstrels? You broke your poor mother's heart," Gandalf admonished Legolas' horse.

"Wandering minstrels? I thought you were a warhorse of Rohan!" Legolas laughed, eyeing his mount. If horses could blush, Legolas was certain that Arod would be bright red.

"What the devil are these two talking about?" Gimli asked Aragorn, who simply shrugged and mouthed the word, "loonies."

// "That was a vicious rumor, I assure you," Arod replied, not quite looking either Legolas or Gandalf in the eye. "Can we PLEASE leave this forest, now?" //



"For once, he is correct. We must ride to Edoras," Gandalf said, leading the party out of Fangorn to the edge of a wide, open meadow. He gave several low whistles, which echoed across the green vale.

From in the distance a beautiful white stallion reared and charged at full gallop toward them.

// "Oh, no…" // Arod said, blowing a stream of warm air through his nostrils, ruffling Legolas' hair.



"What now, Arod?" Legolas asked, not taking his eyes from the beautiful Mearas.

// "Shadowfax, that's what. My great-great-great uncle on my mother's side. He's never forgiven me for leaving the herd." //



"To join the wandering minstrels?" Legolas laughed, rubbing it in a bit.

// "They were NOT wandering minstrels. They were a highly respected troupe of actors." //

Shadowfax snorted as his sensitive ears picked up Arod's reply to Legolas.

// "Actors? They were jesters! They made him wear a frilly collar and a straw hat with a sunflower in it. It was quite amusing, actually, if one could forget that he was one of my bloodline. Unfortunately, he could never remember his cues, and they ended up selling him to the Rohirrim for cheap." Shadowfax laughed. //



// "Hello, uncle…good to see you. Not dead, yet? I rather thought you'd be in the glue pot by now." //



// "Go on, Arod…show the Elf the little act you used to do…how did it go again? Oh, yes…one plus one is how many?" Shadowfax laughed, pawing the ground in front of him with one foot. //



// "Go ahead, Uncle…yuck it up. I'll have you know that NO ONE performed that act as well as I did…I was a smash hit everywhere we played." //

// "You kept giving the wrong answer, Arod. The correct answer was 'two,' not 'sixteen," Shadowfax replied, tossing his head. //



// "I did that on purpose! It was comic genius! No one appreciated my talent." //

"I truly hate to break up this little family reunion, but don't we have a War or something to fight?" Legolas thought, tossing Gimli onto Arod's back and mounting.

// "Fine. Anything is better than standing here having abuse heaped upon me," Arod snorted, lifting his nose in the air and trotting off, purposely swishing his tail in his uncle's face. //



The riders set off across the plains to far distant city of Edoras, and Meduseld, the Golden Hall of Theoden, King of Rohan.

TBC…