[SecretKeeper]

Concept: A girl who visited Arda when she was four years old, grows up knowing something is about to happen.

Factors: Gandalf is disguised as Michael Grey, a guide. The Maiar and servant to Manwe had found the girl on one of his journies. They are thrust into adventure as the Darkness finds out of how the girl appears there and wants her for their own personal gain. Girl is sent back with a promise that time would come when she would return to finish a quest that she had almost started if not for the Powers that be. She is given a box where, once opened would reveal a key powerful enough to open a gate into another realm or to another part of time. It is only to be used to open the gate when danger is near and when she's old enough. That is the basic plot.

What's Wrong: Well, I need an opinion on it whether or not at this stage in time what needs to be done. I know something is wrong with it but I need to figure out what to do so that the plotting and factors fit and flow. Mind you I'm EXTREMELY tired and will use that as an excuse for my predicament. Please help a struggling writer find her voice and to fill in certain plot holes...that are already apparent. Much appreciated.



* * * * *
The wind blew across the water touching its surface rippling it like cloth being touched for the first time. The trees were tall and looming, pine needles littering the forest floor barely touching the gravel road. The bus rattled with noise as it winded its way around the lake. Nadine McGrath rested her head against the window glass feeling a headache coming on. Despite the beauty outside, everything inside was loud and ugly. People were swearing, talking about politics, and the trip.

St. Brighid’s High School had been planning this camping trip since the end of Nadine’s first year as a tenth grader. The purpose behind the excursion was to use the skills everyone developed during the Outdoors Program the school held. It was a basic survival course held throughout the year as a challenge for everyone in the school.

Nadine had joined with gusto, learning as much as she could and having fun with friends. Deep inside her memories, she knew that her time was coming soon. When people in the school found out that there would be another year of the Outdoors Program, they were ecstatic and were calling for a trip to the woods to really test their mettle in the wild. When the school had confirmed that a trip would take place on the first two weeks of July for anyone willing to try out their skills and earn credits, many people signed up.

Nadine’s mother had been a little surprised and sceptical when she went for it. Her daughter was never one to go for anything, always lagging behind doing nothing but write poems when she could be studying. She never went for walks voluntarily and had to be shoved out the door to get moving. Madrona McGrath feared for her daughter and her daughter’s weight. Since she had turned seven, Nadine had gone from a quite and angelic looking child to a young woman compact and stocky. Her shoulders were a bit broader than other girls; her stomach had a few rolls while veins of cellulite popped around her hips and more. Still, she could see the still the joyful angelic look upon her daughter’s face when she woke up in the morning, when Nadine was cooking breakfast.

Madrona knew her daughter and gradually, grudgingly she saw how beautiful her daughter had become since the program and the game she called DDR. She wasn’t sure whether she was more shocked to see her daughter grow up or when Nadine had packed a dusty wooden box into her backpack a few minutes before she dropped her off at her school. The box had been given to her daughter as a child. It had never been touched by anyone else in over twelve years and when Madrona had gone to clean up her room one day, her daughter had thrown a fit when it had been moved. This was when she had been four years old. She had taken the box into her hands, locked herself away in the bathroom with the box and wouldn’t come out until her father threatened to put hot pepper down her throat. No one dared touch the box and Nadine had begun the habit of taking the box with her everywhere until she grew out of that. Instead, she placed it into one place, on her bedside table where Madrona knew she would check on it every time she was home.

Nadine’s mother had always wondered how that box came into her daughter’s hands. It never went anywhere else after she had gone into Junior High School. The last time anyone tried to steal, it was Kira. She found herself on the receiving end of a very terrifying temper tantrum that shook the whole house and scared everyone else. Madrona had to sit down with her youngest to explain why not to touch her sister’s things and gave Nadine a good talking too who artfully steered the conversation away from the topic. In a way escaping punishment and getting away with being angry yet, Madrona always sensed that her daughter was hiding something.

‘Why do you care for that thing?’ she had asked her once trying to figure out who could have given her such a thing. The reply Madrona received was one that surprised her. ‘The Grey man told me too.’ When she had asked about who the man was, in fear that it was a perverted paedophile, Nadine just looked up at her and smiled the sort of smile that said that ‘I’m not telling’ which in turn frustrated her mother more. Grudgingly Madrona left her opinions and observations of her daughter’s behaviour concerning the box to herself learning long ago not to meddle in her child’s obsession with the object. Sure, when she had been younger, Nadine had gone to see a myriad of doctors about the box but no one could get a peep. So it was that time went on.

The box was never mentioned again until Madrona got mad at Nadine while Mr McGrath was in the hospital dying of a brain tumour. In an argument they said hurtful words which the older woman regretted telling her daughter, words that hurt her daughter to the core despite the apologies and forgiveness shown after. Years later the box was on its way with its owner to a campsite with fifty other people. Its past locked away until the time came. Whatever it was, the young girl knew something was going to happen and for that reason alone, brought the box with her. She knew her mother’s objections and yet she knew that they would have to be put aside once…

“NADINE!”

“What!” she screeched when she felt someone poke her side and yelled her name. Fiona Ackers looked down at her with amusement.

“Finally you’re awake, we’re here. Time to get going.”

“Okay?” Nadine shifted her self and followed on stiff joints. She stretched once she got off the stuffy yellow bus, her friends laughing and telling her about what happened while she went to sleep. She chortled, grinned, was shocked and felt the emotions she always did when they were telling her that. Yet, she no longer interjected about herself like she had when she was younger about her own experiences or what-could-have-beens knowing full well that that time would be coming soon.

“Alright students, treat this as a school fieldtrip. Remember that the St. Brighid’s liable for anything you do! Now I will pass it on to our guide who will tell us what we’re going to do and how we’re going to go about it! Mr Grey?”

Nadine stood motionless after one of the PE teachers; Mrs Shaw finished her small speech. She watched as the familiar old man that she had met when she was little took the place of her teacher’s when addressing the rest of the students. He wasn’t the old man she knew back then for now he was clean-shaven and his hair wasn’t as long as it should have been though it was still a silvery white. The lines around his face had become more prominent but Nadine knew it was still the same person.

“Welcome,” he said. “You are about to go into the wild with nothing else but what you have brought thus far. We will be splitting all of you into two groups. Each group will go into different directions with a horse drawn carriage for your things. Now, this won’t happen in the true wilderness however it is fitting for automobiles have never gone into the paths that you will be taking. You have read the rules before coming here, listened to the rules before coming here and yet I will tell you once more what they are.”

He droned on about how everyone must stick together; follow the guide and their teacher’s instructions. How this and that happened. The list went on before finally he stopped, allowed Mrs Shaw, Mr Heathrow, Ms Iverson and Mr Irwin to sort everything out. Nadine was placed in a group where none of her friends were in it and everyone was either drama geeks or addicted to sports. She didn’t complain and got into the spirit of things despite her inner restlessness and excitement. The time was coming!

[NancyBrooke]

Just off the cuff - I suggest you go to the Beta Section of the Forum and advertise for your own personal, dedicated, one-of-a-kind Beta reader. It might be more helpful to you to get one invested opinion as opposed to a lot of casual and potentially contradictory ones.

Beta requests usually get a quick response. Give it a try.

[SecretKeeper]

Thanks Nancy, it's just really more of opinion. Generally I do this and I don't want to spend a beta reader's time when the idea isn't fully formed and I think I was really sick during this post. A really bad alibi but really trully, it's the honest truth. I am lost in my own thoughts. GAH! Anywho, thanks for the tip. I'll do that later.

[SecretKeeper]

I'll post this up on the beta forum though. Just because...