[Sulriel]

I'm not looking for a regular beta, but I'm working on some specific issues as I do the re-writes on my novel-length fic and I'd appreciate some feedback - I'll take anything I can get but I'd especially appreciate hearing from anyone who's reading the updated rewrites (posted here: http://www.openscrolls.net/fanfic/story.php?no=2343 ) that never read the old version though.

I'm trying to weave in stronger foreshadowing and some deeper, darker subplots and questions - some key information that's been foreshadowed was revealed in the lastest chapter and I'm curious to know if it 'worked' for the reader. ... Did you suspect what was revealed near the end of the 'Dance' chapter? (Did you understand what happened between her and Mithlas - Did you understand what actually *was* revealed?)

was it an "Ah-ha!", an "Oh Cr*p!" or a "Huh?"

What do you think of her relationship with Mithlas?

What about her / What about with the Twins - specifically about the tangling of their relationship / control and trust issues / - ... if you let me know your thoughts and what questions you have - that will tell me if my foreshadowing and characterzation is working.!

comments here, in the story review, or privately are fine. I'm easy that way.

Thanks in advance!

Becky

[GandalfsApprentice]

Hi, Becky
I just finished reading "Sinde," and I believe I am the kind of reader you are looking for--I certainly did not read any earlier version.
Is the story ended, or will there be more? It didn't seem to be over to me--but I found myself rather confused at different points through it. It is very emotional and affective on an evocative level, and I love your descriptions and characterizations. The erotic scenes were well done, and I thought the relationships between the three lovers were convincing; it rang true for me. And I liked your Aragorn--for me that is a very important point, since I am an Aragorn writer.
On the other hand, I was not at all convinced by Haldon, and didn't understand why he was in the story.
I also didn't understand why there were time jumps every chapter or so, nor, often, what was supposed to have happened in the intervening years. I got a bit tired of having the same question in my head over and over again, without much new information, and as a result I sometimes found Sulriel a bit irritating. Like, "get over it already, lady." Why couldn't she move forward? I mean, I understand intellectually what the answer is, but I didn't FEEL it. Is this because so much of what she went through is kept secret?
Some things were made clear in the last chapter with the appearance of Mithlas. But I still felt like I should know more than I was told to "get" the story, after all that hinting around. And who is he, anyway?
I hope this helps. Please write me back with more questions if there's anything else you think I can help with.
On another note, would you like me to send you Word files of "The Sword of Elendil" for our tryout? You don't have to promise anything in terms of a time frame for feedback.
Amy (Gandalfs apprentice)

[Sulriel]

Thank you very much for reading.

No, it's not over, that's about 1/3 of it. (26K of 92,000 words. ... it's actually a bit short as these things tend to go)

It sounds like I still need work on my time transitions and pacing - You should be seeing some improvement in her and it sounds like that isn't clear to you. I've played back and forth with using her POV, but while that can help the reader empathize with the character, it can be a little tricky with something like this as I'm trying to find a good balance with the tension. - at any rate, that's good specific feedback that I can make changes with.

Haldon never plays a large role, but he is important later in a couple of ways. He was unnamed in the previous version but is demanding in the way of characters that take control of themselves. He actually is Leaward's character from her Promises to Keep series, but we both realized that he filled a gaping hole in this story, so she's let me write him in. I'll have to be careful to be clear about his role and importance.

Go ahead and send Sword to my private email, in an .rtf if you can. I should be able to get started on it early this week, if not tomorrow.

Thanks again for reading and for the excellent comments.

Becky