[NeumeIndil]

Does anyone else have this issue?

Whatever I write, be it fan fic, original fic, or nonfiction, I keep private until I feel ready to share it with others. Even then, most of that sharing is done with the semi-anoynimity of the Internet. I just got into a discussion with my S.O. about being nominated for a Fan Fic award, which lead to a bit of a disagreement. I explained that I'm simply not comfortable sharing what I write with the people I live with. He feels "that's stupid" because I post some of it online for others to read. However, when I offered to pull up a piece I particularly like and wanted him to see (a few weeks ago), he ignored me. In this case, he doesn't seem to understand that a faceless (in a sense) audience is less intimidating to me than getting a face-to-face reaction to my writing from someone I also have to share a bed with every night, and is either hurt or annoyed by the fact that I won't let him read whatever he wants whenever he wants.

For those of you in relationships, how do you balance your writing and/or your need to keep it private with keeping your relationship open and trusting?

If your spouse/boyfriend/girlfriend doesn't enjoy or approve of fan fic, how do you compromise on the issue?

[eiranae]

My husband usually thinks anything I write is either a waste of time or not written well enough for him at least. I let him read the only fanfic I ever intended to post and...well let's just say there's still a big zero next to my name. I'm with you about feeling more confident with someone who's glare is many miles away. As for how to keep it trusting, you would probably want someone else's opinion on that one.

[Sulriel]

hm. well. I find that I much prefer the f2f crit groups and interaction because of the lack of anonymity that seems to compel people to be hateful over the internet so I'm not sure if I have good advice for you along those lines.

My husband doesn't read much, if any, of my work, but he's not much of a reader anyway, so it's not big deal.

I made the mistake a couple of years ago of letting him read the opening of a fantasy romance that had some graphic violence in the opening and he was horrified. I've since explained to him that if he didn't like the romance, he sure as heck didn't want to read any of my horror and by the way, I need to do some research for the erotica I'm working on, would he help. ... and that usually shuts down the reading discussion for the rest of the evening.

overall, I've found that a really fantastic work will get about 40% positive crits from a very large group, and so one individual's opinion doesn't get me too worked up one way or another, and when it boils down to it, even your SO is just one person's opinion. Even depending on who it is, and I've workshopped with some well-published authors, it's still just one person and you have to take it in context.

[Ottis413]

My wife won't read anything I write, she's not mean about it or anything, she just says she'll read it later but never "gets around to it", then changes the subject to something else..
I think it's because it's so out of character for me, (even by my own standards) I'm normally pretty much a grease-monkey, I've rode and worked on motorcycles since I was a kid and spend most of my spare time riding and building hot-rod bikes and cars in my shop....
Then one day I tell her I'm writing ff storys and posting them on the 'net, she looked at me like I grew a second head!
She even joined here ((Shell68) I guess she thought she was humoring me, and I'd loose interest) but I'm still here and she's still scratching her head.
As far as I know she has only read the first story I wrote, and I still occasionally write and have two heads..........

[Rhapsody]

I replied privately. This being an open forum and all.

[Alassante]

When I was married, I never let him read it because he once asked me 'What is it some sappy harlequin romance about sex with elves?' I did try to share some of it with him once that wasn't romance and he didn't act very interested. He gave me a hard time about spending time doing something like that for free (unlike him spending hours playing video games which is so productive ) Since then I really don't share my writing with anyone whose not already in the fandom. Some people think its 'weird' to write about fanfiction so rather than deal with the negativity, I just don't bother telling people. My sister who does read fanfiction (not LOTR though) said she would read my finished pieces but she refuses to touch anything WIP because people end up not finishing it. I think she'd enjoy it and be proud of me once/when she reads it but until then I just write for myself and existing LOTR fanfic people.

[NancyBrooke]

[Sulriel]

great post Nancy, and you touched on what I was too sensitive to say without knowing Neume better.

I like how you defined the difference of secret vs private.

One thing I did when DH expressed interest was print a copy and leave it out for him. Of course, he never read it. but it was available to him. He's interested that I write and very strongly supportive of my original writing, not so much of the fanfic (because he sees it as wasting time instead of pursuing a career).


If you make it available to him (even if he doesn't read it) and talk about the trials and traumas of writing, and brag when you get reviews or recognition in the contests, he's a part of that part of your world - and that's probably a good thing if you have an otherwise healthy relationship.

But I will say to be careful not to ask him to crit for you and don't ask what he thinks about it because if he doesn't like it (and he's likely not to unless he routinely reads Tolkienish fantasy and/or romance) it puts him in a position of lying or hurting your feelings.

Does any of that help?

[Alassante]

The big difference here between me and the two of them (Nancy and Sulriel) is that they seem to have very good relationships with their spouses and mine was, and still is, a major putz. LOL (and I'm being kind )

[Rhapsody]

[NeumeIndil]

A lot of this has put the situation into perspective for me, and I think Nancy is right in the issue being he doesn't feel included in something that's important to me less than it's him feeling entitled to my writing. I see the unfairness in it *now* since he's tried to get me into his hobbies (video games, horror movies, heavy metal/prog rock), but at the time I was too mad to be rational about it.

So anyway, before he left for California today, I printed "The Last Thing He Said" and stuck it in his suitcase. I'm not sure how he'd react to my smut writing, but I know that one will strike a chord with his animal lover side. If he wants to read more when he comes back, I guess we'll go from there.

We did continue the argument (late) last night, which I think was helpful in more ways than one. He also apologized for "That's stupid" (Which is mostly what pissed me off! ) and I explained that I was trying to:

1) Avoid the hurt feelings and fights that are bound to happen if/when he responds negatively to something I work that hard on

and

2) Just plain scared of giving up the privacy I've so recently "won". (I've had difficulty keeping manuscripts and journals in the past because of a parent with snooping problems.)

He says he's willing to accept my terms as long as I try, so I think we've got something worked out, for now at least.

It's been good for me to know I'm not alone in my decision to keep fic writing quiet for so long and that this isn't an isolated issue for partnered people within the world of fan fic. The anonymity of the 'Net is comforting in a way, but it can also be lonely (so yay OSA community for being awesome!). It might be nice to share it with somebody I can hug in person for saying something nice about it.

Many many thanks to all of you for the perspectives and advice.

[Rhapsody]

That's so food to hear that Neume

And that's an awesome story to give him to read, I hope everything works out!

[dolarabee]

I'm a bit late for the party but I brought some tea and biscuits!

No point saying here that my partner doesn't know I'm involved in fanfiction...

Truth be told though, I don't think he reads any of mine. He's all well and good with the idea, I believe, but I guess it was the puzzle of setting up an archive/forum and working out the kinks programming-wise that got him interested. Don't get any illusions; I don't think he does it because it's for fanfiction.

I personally don't like it if he tries to read over my shoulder when I'm writing (mostly for RPGs nowadays) but once it's finished, I know he knows where to find it if he wants to read it and that's fine with me. I even told him about my LJ...

Glad you seem to have found some peace, Neume.

do.

[trekqueen]

heh yea I'm late to the party too but I thought I'd jump in as well with my two cents.

Neume, your man sounds a lot like my hubby did about a year ago. He knew I was into the writing and fanfics and such and thought it a bit of a waste of time. It didn't help when he came across a pointless, silly domination fic I wrote with a RL friend who has a very smutty reputation in LOTR ficdom.

When some of my stories were nominated and won last year in the MEFAs and MPAs, I think it really showed him how much it means to me and that people really do enjoy what I write. He's warmed up a bit more and doesn't give me as much trouble anymore but we had PLENTY of arguments that I was spending too much time writing be it on my computer or in my notebook that I would later type up (he wants full attention... doesn't always go the other way around when he has his laptop out haha). He's been better about it with letting me write lately since I almost have no time whatsoever to write anymore due to work and RL responsibilities.

Patience is a good virtue in this relationship step and he may eventually come around.

PS, the great response of his when I told him about my winning awards for my stories was: "What did you win? A car?" don't I wish... haha!

[cookienut]

I kind of know what you mean. Especially when you write things with certain content. You don't want your mother reading it.

Well...my mom is my biggest fan. And whenever I go, "Mom, really you don't to read this...there's graphic stuff."

"You mean sex?"

"Well...yeah!"

"Oh, please! How do you think you got here?"





I don't care how old I get, I don't want to think about it. Especially in relation to what I might write.