Anni
Joined: 14 Feb 2005
Reviews: 7
Location: Vancouver/UK
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Mon Feb 14, 2005 6:09 am
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Firstly Suzanne, it's always good when someone uses their imagination to be creative. You should keep your writing up because you show real promise and ability.
However, there are a number of aspects of your story which could cause problems with many readers. I am a soon to be published author of original fiction so I hope you won't take badly to anything I say because it's meant as sincere and hopefully constructive criticism.
Firstly, I agree with SpaceWeavil about making Thranduil objectionable. There is absolutely nothing in canon which backs this theory up. Yes, he was grouchy in The Hobbit about the dwarves invading his territory, but there is nothing in Tolkien's writing which indicates that he would have turned away two young girls and dumped them outside his borders without protection or healing of some kind. He may have interrogated them, but the Elves were rather incandescent, yet fierce and terrible warriors - otherwordly you might say even - they were not unnecessarily cruel, unless of course you were an Orc or a servant of Sauron. Even then they didn't capture and torture. They killed because it was necessary. Thranduil would have been an astute, intelligent, strong and wise leader. He had to take over ruling his realm after Oropher died at the Last Alliance, therefore he was ancient and an experienced warrior and ruler. He wasn't a despot.
Secondly, if I were you I would avoid the usual pitfalls of trying to use scraps of the Elven language to illustrate that you have read the many websites that give every day phrases in Sindarin/Quenyan etc. All this does is detract from the actual writing, character development and plot. It goes without saying that the readers who come onto this website *know* that Legolas and company are Elves and would speak Elvish. Far rather use English, to any intelligent reader this will infer that the conversation between the Middle-earth people is being spoken in the language of the time. The Elves wouldn't have spoken Westron with a spattering of Elvish phrases to each other, they would have spoken their own language. Aragorn would have spoken both Westron and Elvish, Boromir would have spoken a version of Gondorian Westron or even the language of Gondor, Theoden, Eomer and Eowyn would have spoken Gondorian Westron, possibly the language of Gondor with whom they had ancient links and primarily Rohirric.
Two girls from our century would *not* be able to make themselves understood speaking modern English. Westron wasn't like English and any odd Elvish phrases picked up from a modern website wouldn't include the variances and nuances of the colloquial Elvish language (or any language for that matter). Anything your two young characters said would be unintelligible and incomprehensible to Legolas, Aragorn and anyone else in Middle-earth to say the least. The language barrier would be hideous and enormous. Now Gandalf might be a different story, especially if it was the Valar who had somehow transported the girls for some unknown reason. Then it's just possible that Manwe may have imbued Gandalf with the ability to understand the modern English language in order to facilitate things.
We also *know* that the two girls falling into Middle-earth scenario is fraught with problems, like the vastly different way of life (no malls, no formal schooling, no fast food joints, no decent plumbing, the food would be very different, no make up, the music would seem archaic to a modern girl).
Thirdly, the falling into ME scenario brings us to the 10th/11th/12th Walker syndrome. It is highly unlikely that the girls would be invited to Elrond's council to discuss the finding and disposal of the One Ring. Even Arwen Undomiel didn't attend this. It *is* highly likely however that both Elrond, and Thranduil before him, would be very suspicious of two strangers turning up at that particular stage in the events of the battle for Middle-earth. They certainly wouldn't have given the two girls carte blanche to wander around Imladris or attend a secret council which was to deal with matters of the security of the realm. That would be like the President of the US inviting you and your friend along to a meeting of the Chiefs of Staff to discuss the Iraq situation. However, Elrond would, most definitely, after questioning both girls, hold a meeting with Gandalf, his senior advisers, Galdor (Cirdan's representative from the Grey Havens), Aragorn and Legolas (being Thranduil's representative) as to what should be done with them. He may even have included Boromir who, as his father's representative and a mortal human, would have been the logical choice in advising as to what should be done with them.
Be very, very careful of the 12th Walker syndrome. It may sound like fun to write and give endless opportunities for romance with the character of the author's choice, but it doesn't sit well with canon. Fanfic writers live a spurious existence which is based on the continuing goodwill of the owners of the copyright of the work they are copying/transforming/deriving from - in the case of LOTR this is the Tolkien Estates. The estates allow these derivative works but hope that the fanfic writer will, above all, be respectful to the original premise. This means NO character mangling, NO changing of events (i.e. 12th Walker, because this would change the dynamics of the story beyond recognition) and no inappropriate plot suggestions or misuse of the original premise.
Many fanfic writers believe that because it's only fanfiction, they can write whatever they please. That is *their* perception, but not reality. The reality is that LOTR and the characters and plotline therein legally belong to someone else, but this doesn't mean that as long as you put a disclaimer up no one can object to anything. They can, and will, if they believe that the original work has been damaged, take legal action against a fanfic writer. This includes 'Cease and Desist' letters from a lawyer or a lawsuit which, if found against the fanfic writer, could involve the payment of damages.
Meaning of names: Again be careful how you name the original characters. Legolas Greenleaf is not the correct way to name him. Legolas does, in fact, mean Greenleaf, therefore you are calling him Legolas Legolas when in fact he is Legolas, son of Thranduil, or Legolas Thranduilion (ion=son). Gandalf was known as Mithrandir to the Elves and although they might have used the form Gandalf, it's more likely they would have been formal with his name usage. He would have been Gandalf to the hobbits and most of the secondborn, Mithrandir to the Elves and Saruman would have more likely called him Olorin, since that was his Maiar name and they were both Maia.
Blond/blonde - The aetiology of the word is derived from Old French 'blont' , Medieval Latin 'blundus' or the Germanic 'blund' meaning yellow or blend (mix), however be aware that in the modern idiom a woman is blonde, but a man is blond. This is how most people will read it. E.g. Legolas is blond; 'Sarah-Jane' is blonde.
Just as a broad comment, neither Thranduil, Gandalf or Elrond would not have known what to do with a duo of giggling modern teenagers. Even had they understood what the girls were saying in the broad sense of language, they would have certainly *not* have understood the modern slang idiom or modern casual behaviour. Their own speech would have sounded very formal compared to ours. They would not have used short cuts like 'wouldn't', 'couldn't', 'won't' or 'don't'. Many of the things young people do today would have shocked the Elves and men of Middle-earth to the core.
Be careful of spelling/grammatical/language errors. You have Thranduil speaking of his 'boarders'. This could cause a great deal of hilarity with a reader. Thranduil took in paying guests?  The word is 'borders' which means a line which indicates a boundary between two regions/areas/places.
My advice would be to re-develop your story along the lines of not just two girls falling into Middle-earth in order to satisfy an authorial fantasy. Give them a real reason for being there, not just 'coo, here I am in ME and it's a vessel for me to have a cool virtual romance with a hot guy'. Of course giving a valid reason for them being there could be dangerous if you take it along the lines of 'the girls have special powers/knowledge' situation development.
Self-insertion is not a crime, although many fanfic readers believe it is. *How* the self-insertion is done is the crux of the issue. If it is believable and doesn't interfere or mangle the original concept, if it is sensitively and intelligently dealt with and doesn't just devolve into a vessel for 'hot sex and romance with Elves' (who wouldn't have done that anyway, since they only ever took one partner and that was for life), if the girls' story and fate is done as a plotline which runs parallel to the real Fellowship and the fate of Middle-earth, then you might have a good story.
Above all, try not to think that because it's 'just fanfic' it's harmless fun and anything goes. Even harmless fun should be well thought out and thoughtfully written. Fanfic is a valid modern means of propagating myth, stories and legend, it deserves better than to be treated as 'oh, it's only fanfiction so it doesn't matter'. It does and should matter how well something is done and if someone isn't going to do it well, then they shouldn't do it at all.
Your basic writing is not half bad and you should continue, not just because it's fun to do, but because writing fanfics is a good way of developing writing skills. Just be careful how you do it. Read the work of others, visit review sites to see what kind of things they hate, even if the review site seems picky, abusive or downright nasty. From these you will glean some idea of what is and is not considered acceptable in the Fanfiction world. Your friends might come on and say you are the best writer in the world, but the internet provides a much broader canvas and there are people out there who are going to tell you it exactly like it is. And they won't be as kind as your friends or even I am. |
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Last edited by Anni on Mon Feb 14, 2005 6:27 am |
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dolarabee
Joined: 22 Apr 2003
Reviews: 35
Location: Sydney, Australia
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Fri Mar 04, 2005 9:42 am
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Apologies to the author for this as this note is not a review for the story but an admin reminder.
While we more than appreciate reviewers' input in the mechanics of the story, we would request that they desist on warning about copyright issues... unless they're an authority in those matters - and even if it's the case, we'd prefer they take up the issue with us, the owners of the archive, rather than with a story or an author they have a particular problem with.
Besides, If we start getting into this issue, no fan fic would ever be written or permitted. Furthermore, I'm certain that if the Tolkien Estate should choose to take legal action, it would be every piece of fan fiction that would be targetted, not a selected few, like say, a 12th Walker fic. In other words, let us deal (or not, as it were) with the legalities of the situation and stick to the review. |
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