Full Circle

CHAPTER FIFTEEN: HELPLESS



Buffy was beginning to come out of the final stage of sleep when she recalled the horrible nightmare she had just had. She dreamt that she had given birth to a hideous blue demon child with tentacles and horns. It was creepier than hell! As her senses awakened, she thought that whatever she ate the night before must have disagreed with her and caused that dream. It was then that she became aware of a constant rumbling noise coming from deep below the earth. A noise that sounded oddly familiar to her.

As she shifted her position, her eyes darted open and to her dismay she realized that she was in fact in Morgoth’s House of Horrors. Her jaw hung open as she surveyed the large chamber constructed from black marble. The only light came from a candelabrum, which held twelve candles that were nearly burned down to the wick. Buffy’s eyes then fell upon herself. Her gown was unbuttoned and both of her enormous breasts were exposed, but that’s not what wigged her out the most. It was that both of her nipples were covered in small strips of cloth that had some type of yellowish gel-like substance on it. It reminded her of pasties that strippers normally wore. She carefully pulled off the cloth revealing several puncture marks around her areola. Oh my god, she thought. That thing fed off me!

Immediately she leapt off the bed, pulling her gown closed. What the hell was she going to do? She was freaking out in a major way. Apparently she had been under some kind of mind-control spell of Morgoth’s but now…she wasn’t. Her nightmare was her current reality. And the thought of that was nearly too much for the Slayer to bear. How was it possible that beautiful Buffy could give birth to a …monster? She recalled various events that had transpired throughout her ‘imprisonment’ in Angband. The Dark Lord had manipulated her feelings and actions for the past nine months. Buffy felt like she was being consumed by feelings of hopelessness, but if she allowed herself to fall into the abyss, then she would be doomed to Angband forever.

Quickly she ran to the wardrobe in search of clothing that wasn’t stained with blood and sweat. She noticed her reflection on the mirrored doors and was shocked by her physical appearance. She wasn’t merely fat – she was obese. She looked like an Oompa Loompa dressed in a muumuu! Buffy tore the gown off. She changed into clean garments but still remained disgusted by her portly self. She grabbed a pair of boots and knew she had to get out of there as soon as possible.

The door flung open only moments later. It was Luthor. He stopped in his tracks, looked at her wide-eyed and then shut the door behind him. “Stay away from me,” she stammered as she looked around for some type of weapon.

“I mean no harm, Inanna.” He replied as he approached cautiously with both hands held up. “The spell is broken I take it…” he said in a soothing voice.

“You have no idea!” she replied with a trembling voice.

“Oh, I think I do,” he commented. “Sauron and I have conspired together over the last few months. We have attempted to reverse the spell of Melkor’s and at long last we have succeeded. If it had not been for our talents you would still be smitten with Melkor and sweet, sweet Illyria.

“You and Sauron?” she questioned. “You guys broke the spell?”

“Indeed,” he replied with a grin on his face. Before Buffy could question him further, he continued. “Sauron felt threatened by your presence here. For many ages he has labored for Melkor and he gained much respect from him as a result. Since you arrived, his clout has begun to diminish and he cannot stand for that. He had to make his move and fast if he is to remain in the favor of his Master.”

“I noticed you didn’t include yourself in that little spiel,” she said.

“No. I am afraid that I have fallen from the Dark Lord’s good graces in recent years. We do not always see eye to eye, you see. But since I formed a bond with you, well, let us just say that I am now in good standing with his Royal Evilness.”

“Lucky you,” scoffed the Slayer as she inched towards a staff that was leaning against the wall.

Luthor noticed her movements and said, “I would not do that if I were you.” The staff then went flying past Buffy into Luthor’s outstretched hand. “I am not the enemy here.”

“You think I’m that stupid. If you’re not locked away in some hidden dungeon or something, than you are the enemy,” she shot back.

“That is not true,” he stated calmly as he tossed the staff across the room. “If I were the enemy, I would not have assisted Sauron with the spell.”

He moved closer towards her as she took several steps backwards. “I see things clearer, Inanna. I understand my true purpose in this world…”

“And that happens to be…what?” she asked sarcastically.

“My true purpose is to aid you in your labors…Because of you; I now see the error of my ways. I want to change. This is not the world for me. I do not belong here. I have made many a tragic mistake in my life…”

“Is that what they call it these days?” Her back was now against the wall.

“Mistake?” He queried as he stopped a foot away from her. “And what about your sins Inanna? The spell has been lifted, but have you not given thought to the actions…the atrocities…that you committed these last several months?”

“I…I…didn’t…” she stuttered.

“Would you prefer it if I called it your ‘acts of wonderment’?” He looked at her keenly. “You remember all you have done. The vaults of Angband are filled with thousands of menacing creatures brought about by your own hands.” He saw the look of horror that came upon the Slayer’s face. “Illyria was just the icing on the cake,” he said harshly. “You have given aid to the Dark Lord like no other. His powers for creating creatures of darkness had diminished before you arrived. You provided him with the right amount of oomph to succeed in bringing about beings more heinous than he could ever have imagined…” He gave her a contemptuous look. “Let us see how you live with that!” Buffy stood there in absolute shock.

“It…it wasn’t my fault. I…I was bewitched…there was nothing I could do…” she cried out as tears rolled down her cheeks. She sank to the floor hiding her face in her cupped hands as feelings of despair consumed her.

She could hear Luthor opening many drawers and cabinets. He was packing up some of her belongings into a couple of satchels. “It will do no good to sit there and wallow in self-pity,” he finally said after he finished packing her things. He squatted across from her and spoke in a friendly manner. “You are a champion Inanna. Act like one.” He grabbed her chin and forced her to look him in the eye. “The elves named you Bellaseth; if you love them as much as you claim then you need to prove it. Now is the time to call upon that strength. I will help you dear Inanna. Do not give in to weakness. Should you fall, I will be there to help you back on your feet.” He pulled her to her feet. “Let us flee from this place and once we are far from here, we can address those things that are of the utmost concern. But we must go NOW!”

A blubbering Buffy mumbled, “okay” as he tossed a bag to her. It was heavier than she expected.

They left the many rooms of Morgoth and began the long trek through the tunnel that would take them east of Ered Luin. “Melkor has been told that I have taken you to the hot springs for healing. That should give us several days head start before…”

“Will he come after us?” Buffy asked.

Luthor remained quiet for several seconds. Buffy noticed that he was nervously chewing on his bottom lip. “We shall see Inanna. We shall see.” There was no doubt in Luthor’s mind that Melkor would seek to reclaim his bride, bewitched or not. But Luthor’s main objective at this point was to get the Slayer out of there and somewhere where she would be safe. He had only recently discovered that the fate of Arda rested solely on her shoulders; a doom that seemed crueler than any device of Melkor’s.

Luthor seemed most anxious to get out of there and Buffy had no idea why he was willing to help her. Surely Morgoth would be furious if he discovered his betrayal and would inflict his most horrific torments on him. Apparently, Luthor was willing to take the risk. “It shall take us a fortnight or so to reach the southern gate, east of Ered Luin. How do you feel?” he asked as they headed down the shaft.

“How do you think?” she snapped back.

He looked at her as they continued walking. “You have not taken my head off or plunged a dagger through my heart, so I take it that you are feeling better. At least your lust for violence has waned.” Buffy didn’t say anything else. She tried to digest all that had happened to her in the past nine months. The memories were horrific. And the fact that that creature, the spawn of Morgoth, came from her body…The thought alone made her shudder. And she sure didn’t understand how that thing could have her blood coursing through its veins. Wasn’t she one of the good guys? Good guys don’t give birth to the spawn of Evil. Buffy remained distant while they made that trek.

Luthor was right. It took them two weeks of walking through that long dank passageway before they reached the first southern gate of Ered Engrin east of Ered Luin. Luthor gave the password to the stone sentry that stood at the doors and they were able to pass outside into the light of day. They still had to descend a good two hundred feet from the crag on which they now stood. The pace was slow and Buffy constantly mumbled curses under her breath. This should have been a piece of cake for her but her weight made it more difficult to maneuver down the rock wall.

When they reached the bottom a lone wolf sat on a large boulder watching them suspiciously. “You made it,” Luthor said to the animal. The beast turned into Sauron. “Do you have the provisions?” Luthor asked.

“That can wait,” he replied as he fixed his eyes on Buffy. “At the present, I am most concerned with Inanna. You do understand that your freedom comes at a price, do you not?”

Buffy looked at Luthor whose eyes were fixed on Sauron, “She is unable to make any bargains with you. Can you not see that? She has been despondent since…”

“I care not,” he spat out. “I am not known for being merciful and I do not intend to start now.” His gaze returned to the Slayer. “I can call upon legions of yrch with a snap of my fingers. Would you like that Inanna? Would you like to return to your beloved Melkor and your demon offspring?” A sadistic smile came upon his face. “To enter his thrall once again…but this time it will be for an eternity…an eternity of dancing on the threshold of pain and pleasure. Is that your wont?”

“What do you want?” she asked in a defeated tone.

His wicked grin widened. “What do I want? I want to be left alone to do as I will without interference from you. You shall go your way and I will go mine. Swear to me…and freedom shall be granted to you.”

“It is an abomination!” cried out Luthor. “Make no deals with him Inanna. Only ill will come from it, I deem.”

“Silence!” commanded Sauron. “The offer is not for you, you traitorous scum!”

“And what of you, Sauron?” questioned a very agitated Luthor. “I am sure Melkor would be delighted to know what part you played in this conspiracy.”

Sauron leered at Luthor. “In the end, my Lord will see that I have done what is best for his survival. I do not fear him.”

“You lie,” said Luthor. Buffy just stood there as the conversation got more heated. “You fear his wrath as much as any of us.” He took a few steps forward and was only inches from Sauron’s face. “What do you think the Dark Lord will do when he finds out that you sent his beloved Melisse away? Do you think he will reward you beyond all others?” He asked in a low threatening tone.

“Inanna had fulfilled her obligations,” Sauron responded in like manner. “She has given him the child that he has longed for. Illyria shall keep him distracted for quite some time.” Sauron’s eyes went back to the Slayer. “The choice is yours, Inanna. Leave me be and you shall be granted your freedom…”

“For how long?” Buffy finally asked after being silent throughout most of the conversation.

Sauron found that quite amusing and let out a hearty laugh. “Forever! Dear Inanna. You shall let me be forever.”

A look of horror came over Luthor’s face as he saw Buffy contemplating Sauron’s offer. “Do not do it,” he whispered to her. “He is the epitome of evil. You cannot make deals with him.”

“Okay,” she finally replied to the offer. “Let us go and I’ll leave you to do as you wish.”

“NO!” cried out Luthor. “Do not do that Inanna, I beg of you.”

Buffy’s face was stern. “The deal’s already done.” She looked at Sauron with contempt. “Is that all?” she asked.

“Your word is good enough for me!” His voice was cheery. “I must say Inanna…you have more sense than I gave you credit for. Perhaps Melkor is right…and there is some hope for you yet.” He sneered at Luthor. “I have stowed some provisions for your journey in that cluster of chestnut trees,” he said as he pointed to the distant trees to their south. “They shall last you several weeks if you are prudent. So…it is time for me to return home and I bid you farewell and good riddance!” He turned back into his wolf form and ran towards the west before disappearing in a blink of an eye.

“You should not have done that Inanna,” stated Luthor as they started heading south towards the tree line. “Mark my words, nothing good will come from it unless you desire chaos.”

Buffy stopped. Luthor took a few more steps before noticing that she was lingering behind him. Her gaze pierced him. “And what was I supposed to do?” she queried. “I’m not going back! I had no other choice…I’m weak Luthor. My strength…my powers…I’m spent! I’ll deal with Sauron when the time comes, but right now…I just wanna get the hell away from here. So if you have any more comments about this then I suggest you keep them to yourself!” Luthor dared not say anything else to provoke the Slayer. She might be weak now, but he knew her strength would increase soon enough.
It took them another two weeks to reach the grove of chestnut trees. By the time they reached the ‘provisions’ left by Sauron, they were covered in maggots. The loaves of bread (which Buffy was dying for) were as hard as a rock and inedible. Much to her chagrin, Luthor didn’t give a damn about eating maggot covered food. He argued the nutritional merit of the little white creepy crawling things. He wasn’t about to convince the Slayer to eat that crap. She preferred to sustain herself with wild berries and her excess body fat.

They rested in that grove for two days. It was imperative that they got as far away from Ered Engrin as possible. But Luthor didn’t know exactly where they should go. He didn’t know of any secret retreat that Melkor himself wasn’t familiar with. And it didn’t make matters any better with Buffy acting all quiet and depressed. He understood that she was going through something huge, but he didn’t want to discuss it while they were in the open. Once they were somewhere safe and secure, then they could deal with her inner demons.

“Where are we going?” asked the Slayer.

“I do not know. Any suggestions would be most helpful.” Buffy saw the glimmer of hope in Luthor’s eyes.

Buffy got up and walked around the grove studying the vista before her. “I don’t know this place,” she mumbled under her breath. Her eyes became like binoculars again and she was able to see things for a great distance. “Wait a minute,” she said as she now looked to the east. She smiled when she recognized the thin stand of pine trees. “I think I know a place…”

Luthor moved next to her and lowered his head to her level as he searched the vastness with his eyes. “What is it you see? I do not see anything remotely safe.”

“Do you see that stand of pines?” she questioned as she pointed.

“That is no haven for us! We are better concealed here. At least the walnut tree boughs shield us from the eye of the enemy.” Luthor stated dejectedly.

Buffy shook her head. “What do you take me for – an idiot?” she rebuked. “There’s a secret place there that’s protected by powerful magics. I only discovered it myself…” her excitement faded. She remembered how she discovered that place and then found herself in Angband the very next day. What if it happened again? What if it was Morgoth who was speaking to her in the hidden fortress? She was now reluctant to even continue the conversation about it with Luthor but he wouldn’t give up. He badgered her with endless questions and remarked that if they didn’t find a hiding place then they would surely be doomed to the guiles of Morgoth. Buffy finally conceded. “It’s a hidden fortress,” she explained. “And when I mean hidden…I mean hidden. There’s an entrance in those trees…into another dimension.”

“Please tell me Inanna that you are not jesting!” He said eagerly.

“Do I look like I’m in the mood for jest?” she asked with a fierce look in her eyes.

“I suppose not,” replied Luthor apologetically.

“I say we go at night fall. Let the darkness be our cover.” Buffy then sat back down with her back to the tree. She was no longer in the mood for conversation. Her only desire was for the sun to set in the west.

It took the pair nearly three months to reach that secret fortress. And lucky they arrived when they did as the season had turned to fall and all signs indicated that winter would come early. Thônel the sentinel was still at her post and Buffy was quite happy to see that Shepherd. “Greetings to you Luinil,” said Thônel as she looked closer at Buffy and Luthor. “Is this Hebor? For I will not forget his face now that I have seen it.”

“I’m afraid not,” replied Buffy. “This is Luthor and he’s…a guest of mine. We are in dire need to pass. Is that okay?”

“I am only a sentinel. Anyone who comes with you Luinil is most welcomed to pass,” replied Thônel as she stretched her limbs out signaling them to pass.

“Thanks,” said Buffy. She grabbed Luthor’s hand as they passed through the mystical barrier. The passageway was completely dark and unlike last time, Buffy’s body didn’t do that glow thing. Instead, Luthor pulled out his scepter and a soft light radiated from the clear stone that was mounted in it. “That’s a handy little doohickey,” Buffy remarked as they started down the tunnel.

“This is amazing,” said a mesmerized Luthor as he turned and saw that they were totally enclosed in the hidden chamber. “Melkor will surely not find us here. You have done well my friend.”

“At least I’m good for something,” she answered with a sigh.

“Do not be so hard on yourself Inanna. All things must come to past whether they be good or not. And my heart tells me that you will do much good yet.” Buffy didn’t find his comments reassuring. She had spent the last several weeks lost in her thoughts. She felt like she was torn in two. Her time with Morgoth seemed to be a dream yet it was not so. And in time, she would have to deal with the consequences of her actions. She knew that. But deep down she was so confused. Confused about who she was and what the hell she was doing. She missed Mablung so much but now she didn’t even know if she would ever see him again. What the hell could she possibly say? He would definitely want to know where she’d been. All that inner turmoil that was going on in the confines of her mind gave her one hell of a splitting headache.

When they reached the cavernous inner sanctum the temperature seemed to be quite colder than the passageway itself. “It’s freezing in here,” Buffy commented as she rubbed her arms trying to keep warm.

“That can be remedied easily enough,” replied Luthor. “We can build a fire. All we need is some wood…”

“Don’t even think about hacking on Thônel or the other trees,” commanded Buffy. “If there’s no dry wood on the ground…we’ll just suffer.” She began rummaging through the many sacks they had in their possession. “I think Sauron put a couple of fur cloaks in one of these…ah, here we go,” she said as she pulled them from one of the bags. They only decent thing that Sauron gave them besides a pot for boiling water and cooking. He screwed them over with his ‘provisions’ and Buffy wouldn’t forget it.

They put the cloaks on but Luthor was determined to find some wood. He wanted a fire pretty bad. “I will see if I can find some wood. I will not harm the Shepherds…”

“I told you don’t cut any tree. Don’t even pull off a piece of bark. I’m not in the mood to argue with you Luthor.”

“Fine, fine,” he said surly. “I will not touch any of those trees. Does that not make you joyful?”

“No,” she spat out as he turned down the passageway once again. “Nothing ever will,” she mumbled to herself. The chamber fell into darkness as soon as Luthor turned a corner. Buffy was left alone. She could hear the gentle dripping of water but other than that, it was completely quiet.
She remembered the last time she was here and was told by the ‘voice’ that this was a holding chamber. Buffy thought it was probably meant for her. All those things she’s done. Maybe that’s what her destiny was. To confine herself in this tomb-like fortress so she couldn’t cause any more harm in the world. But it was too late for that. She had already wrought evil in more ways than she could ever have imagined. Was she to leave the elves to suffer horribly by the beasts she helped create? No, she thought to herself. I made them or helped make them so it’s up to me to destroy them…even Illyria. God, she hated her life right now.

Buffy was lost in her thoughts and didn’t notice when Luthor returned carrying an armful of dried wood. After a few minutes he had ignited the kindling into a blazing fire. It felt so good to feel such warmth. “I am going to see if I can find more wood. This will not last through the night.” And he disappeared for a second time.

Buffy resumed her thoughts of self degradation. It was times like these when death seemed justified. Even hers. But that wasn’t how Buffy normally thought or felt. While she felt a certain amount of safety in this place, she still recoiled at the thought that Morgoth could enter her mind at will or even worse…transport her back to his Iron Prison. And it seemed obvious to her that the Powers didn’t give a damn. Why would they allow him to do those things to her? Or the things she’s done with him? That Vala, Ulmo had said he would not forsake her but it appeared that he had done just that. She was in desperate need of aid and counsel yet none of the Powers seemed willing to help her. They had forsaken her. She failed at her quest. She didn’t know what to think or what to believe anymore. Her eyes welled with tears as she began to sing a song that reflected her current state of mind.

I thought I saw a man brought to life
He was warm; he came around like he was dignified.
He showed me what it was to cry.
Well you couldn’t be that man I adored
Your don’t seem to know, don’t seem to care
What your heart is for.
But I don’t know him anymore
There’s nothing where he used to lie
My conversation has run dry.
That’s what’s going on, nothing’s fine
I’m torn.

I’m all out of faith, this is how I feel
I’m cold and I am shamed lying naked on the floor.
Illusion never changed into something real,
I’m wide awake and I can see the perfect sky is torn.
You’re a little late, I’m already torn.

So I guess the fortune teller’s right.
Should have seen just what was there and not some holy light.
To crawl beneath my vein and now I don’t care,
I have no luck; I don’t miss it all that much.
There’s just so many things that I can’t touch,
I’m torn.

I’m all out of faith, this is how I feel
I’m cold and I am shamed lying naked on the floor.
Illusion never changed into something real
I’m wide awake and I can see the perfect sky is torn.
You’re a little late, I’m already torn.
Torn.

There’s nothing where he used to lie
My inspiration has run dry,
That’s what’s going on, nothing’s right, I’m torn.
I’m all out of faith, this is how I feel
I’m cold and I am shamed lying naked on the floor.
Illusion never changed into something real
I’m wide awake and I can see the perfect sky is torn.
I’m all out of faith, this is how I feel
I’m cold and I’m ashamed bound and broken on the floor.
You’re a little late, I’m already torn.
Torn. *

The chamber fell silent after she sang that song except for the sound of her own sobbing. She felt so sad and that song made her even sadder. Unbeknownst to the Slayer, Luthor had returned while she was singing and that tune touched him deeply. Tears streamed down his own face because he understood her pain, her sorrow and her confusion. And she was still oblivious to so many things in this world including her own true identity. Luthor wrestled with his own inner demons as well. He decided that the time had now come to reveal to her things that may help ease her pain and heartache. The only way for Buffy to find healing was to confront and defeat the demons that haunted her. It was time to reveal her hidden past.




*lyrics by Natalie Imbruglia.