The Last Thing He Said

Yes, yes. I met him in the street just yesterday. In a horrible rush at the time, seemed quite impatient to get back in the straw roofed building when he’d only just left it and started making that strange scented smoke some of them blow, staring off toward the mountains. Perhaps he was angry, though I’m sure I don’t know for certain what he was so upset about. But, then again, what do we understand of the lesser creatures like men anyway? After all, all creatures may have been created equal, but some were created more equal than others. You know I’m right.

But yes, as I was saying, I met the one they call the Ranger. He seems quite intelligent for one of the lower beasts and the horses like him well enough. Their loyalty to the men creatures aside, they are generally excellent judges of character; you really must give them credit for that. Oh there I go again, following another unimportant tangent. I do apologize; I can’t seem to keep any sort of focus since my Elric ran away. He was such a good manservant. The meals were always timely, well mixed, you know, plenty of skimmed milk and vegetable peelings, just as I like it. It will take forever to train another one, I’m convinced of it, to say nothing of my heartbreak over the time lost on the first one. But, that’s a difficulty for another time. Suffice it to say, I simply don’t know what to do without him except find what I can for myself, which is precisely what led to this chance encounter with the Ranger.

I had gone marketing around the back of the straw roofed building where some doves insisted the offerings were highly palatable. Unfortunately I no sooner found the most beautiful patch of tuber pieces, only slightly buried and not overly fresh, than some screeching, red faced female human charged at me fluttering her clothing and stamping those ridiculous feet of theirs. How they manage to do so much without proper hooves still amazes me, but again I ramble. I really do apologize, my dear, and you are such a graceful listener. We really must get together like this more often, you and I, and I give you my word I will listen to anything you wish to discuss without so much as a grunt. Only I should finish my tale first, should I not? I assure you it isn’t terribly curly. Ha ha ha. Oh, I’m sorry. I shall never attempt such a horrible pun again.

Well, yes, where was I? Ahh, the female human. I do believe it was in season or whatever it is that happens to the poor things, judging by the way it carried on so. Perhaps it had a nest near by? But, rather than upset the creature further I left the area, intending to take a jaunt through the barns to see if any of the horses might know where I could find peelings or even perhaps those crusts of dried bread Elric would often procure. I swear, for a human he was a genius when it came to cooking. I do hope I can find him again. As I made my way toward the stables though, I smelt first that unusual smoke of the Ranger’s, then heard rapid footsteps and paused to see what the commotion was about. I thought perhaps the smoke had overcome someone and I would have to summon help, but he was quite intact though galloping along on those gangly legs like something gone mad. My next thought was a bee sting or a prod to the tender parts, but before I could assess the situation further he nearly collided with me side on, and this, my dear, was the unusual part. He was talking… to himself. He certainly didn’t address me immediately and therefore must have been talking to himself, but as he descended the hill I heard him muttering. I swear it. I know the human languages, you know. My mother insisted we all take lessons when we were young and I believe this is perhaps the only time I’ve found it a useful skill, but I really must remember to thank her if I see her again.

At any rate, as he ran he muttered something about 'the bacons being lit', which of course gave me quite a pause, I won’t lie, but then I caught the words 'Gondor' and 'Théoden', so I assumed then that something must have happened involving the boar human in the straw roofed building and that’s why he was in such a hurry. Then the last thing he said, and this is truly what made me decide that he is an exceptional human, came as he took evasive maneuvers to avoid our collision. He darted to his left and just barely brushed my tail, though he caused no damage, not even a bristle out of place, and as he did he looked directly at me and said, “I beg your pardon” as plainly as the snout on my face. I do not jest; I wasn’t even aware that humans speak our tongue, let alone know proper etiquette. Of course I replied that it was no trouble at all and went on my way with a chipper 'Cheerio'. It was the only polite thing to do considering the rush he was in, though I believe I would have liked to have a better chat. Perhaps another time though. Exceptional human this Ranger, truly, an exceptional human. I wonder if he cooks?