One Heartbeat

“Thanks for coming with me,” Kei said to Tadashi as they walked along the path. The day was overcast, and there was a brisk breeze blowing. Rain was due to fall later, according to the latest forecast. “Sorry to take you away from Hitoka and the kids.”

“It’s okay,” his friend replied, waving away the apology. “She knows the situation, and it’s not like we haven’t split up before taking care of the kids.”

Kei smiled gently, but remained silent, looking at the written directions Akaashi had given him. Well, it looked like Bokuto had written them, to be honest, but Akaashi had added clearer instructions. Either way, he was able to reach his destination without too much effort. He put the paper back in his pocket and stood there, staring at the ground, unable to look up.

“Kei, are you alright?” Tadashi asked after a long silence. He stood off to the side, but not too far, to give Kei his space. He held the flowers they’d bought before coming here, ready to hand them over when Kei was ready for them. As if he would ever be ready for them.

“No, I’m not,” Kei eventually answered. “I don’t think I’ll ever be alright. Not completely, anyway.”

He took a deep breath, let it out, and then slowly looked up. The first thing he saw was Tetsu’s sotoba, rising from behind the family gravemarker. It was… less aged than the rest, still looking new compared to the others. And maybe it was, considering it was only two years old rather than over a decade. His gaze blurred, and he blinked rapidly to clear the forming tears. This was yet another goal he’d set for himself, and he meant to complete it.

Kei let his eyes drift over the gravesite. It was in pristine condition; the attendants must have been by earlier. It also looked like someone had visited before they arrived; there was another bouquet of flowers, lilies, and an offering of food.

“Why didn’t I think of that?” he asked softly.

“Think of what?”

“Bringing food for him. Tetsu would always tease me about my habit of making him eat first before we did anything, but he would always eat whatever I put in front of him and tell me it was his favorite thing to eat.”

Tadashi chuckled. “You did that while we were growing up, too.”

“Yeah, well, I liked to cook and no one told me to stop, so…” Kei shrugged. “Either way, maybe it was a good thing I didn’t bring anything. I wouldn’t have known what to make.”

“Did he have a favorite dessert?”

“Strawberry shortcake,” Kei answered almost immediately.

“But… I thought that was your favorite.”

“It is. He loved it because I loved it. Told me I looked so happy when I was eating the strawberries and whipped cream before the cake. He always brought some home after a work trip. I can’t remember if he was bringing any home that night…” his voice faded into silence.

“Do you remember anything about it?” Tadashi asked gently.

Kei shook his head, knowing he wasn’t just asking out of curiosity. Out of all the people who were at the hospital that night, he was the only one who couldn’t remember anything after Tetsu’s passing. It was as if all of those memories were erased, or locked away so tightly that he couldn’t access them. But then, it wasn’t as if he actually tried to remember. The only way he knew anything was because Bokuto and Akaashi would tell him. Or his mom and Akiteru. His own memories were, put simply, a black hole.

“Kei?”

“Yeah?”

“Tell me about Kuroo.”

He turned to look at his friend. It was obvious that he wanted to keep Kei talking, but his face was full of sympathy, as if he knew it was impolite to ask. Tadashi was not Akaashi, and in many ways, Akaashi knew him better. If Kei had to guess when he and Tadashi started growing apart, it was probably around the same time that Tetsu had come back into his life. And with Tetsu came Bokuto and Akaashi. Since the Shinzen summer camp, they’d formed a friendship that stayed strong throughout the years. Tadashi and he had remained friends, but it wasn’t the same. Still, he knew what Tadashi was trying to do. He smiled gently and reached out for the bouquet of flowers he’d bought.

“What do you want to know?”

“Well, let’s start with those flowers,” Tadashi suggested, gesturing at the bouquet Kei held. “Were they his favorite?”

Kei chuckled. “If you had ever asked him if he had a favorite flower, he’d have looked like you just heinously offended him. But, he was partial to camellias. Especially the ones that looked like peonies.” He placed the bouquet of red (love), pink (longing), and white (adoration) debutante camellias next to the lilies that were there. He didn’t fail to notice that his flowers were directly under Tetsu’s sotoba.

Once the flowers were settled nicely, Kei took a step back. “I’m sorry it took me so long to visit, Tetsu,” he said, as if his fiance were standing there, listening to him. “I convinced myself that you weren’t here, and I know you’re not, but still…” He bit his lip as the tears started falling. “For once, I’m the babbling idiot,” he muttered, chuckling a little at the old, remembered joke. “I still can’t believe you’re gone. I keep looking for you, wanting to talk to you, missing you by my side. I am incomplete; my puzzle is missing a piece that I’ll never find again. I hate being alone, but even more I hate that you’re not with me.” He took a deep, shaky breath and exhaled slowly. “There are still nights when I’ll be caught between sleep and awake, hear a noise, and think it’s you finally coming home after a long work trip. I’ll be halfway to the door before I realize it isn’t you. It doesn’t matter that, until recently, I haven’t even lived at home, or slept in our room. Wherever I am, I go to the door to meet you. Isn’t that stupid, Tetsu? God, I miss you so much it hurts.”

Right at that moment, a warm breeze blew, flowing around Kei, making it feel as if Tetsu were right behind him, wrapping his arms around him. As if he were still with him in spirit.

By now, he must’ve looked a mess. His eyes hurt, his nose was stuffed up, and he was sure his face was all splotchy and red. He was going to pay for this with a massive headache later.

Kei turned to look at Tadashi, to apologize for rambling on so much, but he never got the words out of his mouth. His friend was crying as well, but hadn’t so much as made a sound. When Tadashi noticed him looking, he hastily wiped his tears, reached into the shoulder bag he’d brought with him, and brought out two handkerchiefs. With a watery smile, he handed one to Kei.

“Thank you,” he said, using it to wipe his face, though the effort was futile. “I didn’t mean to make you cry.”

Tadashi sniffled. “I doubt anyone could have stayed dry-eyed after hearing that.”

“It just came out. I didn’t plan on saying anything, really.”

“You needed to say it,” his friend said sternly. Or at least as sternly as he could, given the circumstances. “If you need to talk more, I’ll be willing to listen, if you want me to,” Tadashi offered. “But, I also think you might want to write it all down, starting with what you just said.”

“Write it down? You mean keep a journal?”

“Yeah, keep a journal. Even if it’s just a little bit each day, or whenever the mood strikes to write. Maybe it will help you heal.”

“Yeah, maybe,” Kei replied thoughtfully, an idea forming in his mind. Before he could say anything else, he heard a distant rumble. “Come on. Let’s go before it rains.” They walked in silence for a little while. “So what else did you want to know about Tetsu?”

Tadashi smiled and began to ask questions, and Kei slowly, but surely, answered them.