The true meaning of sport

Title: The true meaning of sport!

Author: Aearwen

Rating: G

Disclaimer: Not mine, all JRR's, no money, really only for fun!
Warnings: total silliness!
Cast: The whole nine yards of elvendom
Timeline: AU - last summer in my garden!
Summary: Maeglin, Haldir, Legolasm, Glorfindel, Erestor and many more try different sports and put up their own rules how to play soccer!
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A while ago Maeglin decided that being a muse alone was boring. So he annoyed everyone around him. He made new scythe blades for me, who he is musing for and I nearly cut my leg off. One day I simply shoved him into the car. Handing him a red bandana to wrap around his head to cover his ears I said "Maeglin, I love you dearly and you are a wonderful muse. You drive me crazy. I have signed you up for the soccer team in town."

"You did what?" Maeglin's dark eyes popped wide open as she pushed him out of the car, hitting the gas, leaving him at the practice field.
Three hours later he came back. Totally exhausted Maeglin flung himself on the couch and proclaimed "That was fun. Nearly better than slaying someone! I have to get my own soccer team!"
He opened the fridge, grabbed a bottle of mineral water and poured it down his throat. Maeglin went into the little office and sat down to email all the muses he knew, inviting them to the first elvish soccer training. The response was great!

The team was sat up:
Elrond would be the judge, Elladan, Rumil and Legolas agreed to do the cheerleading. The rest would play.

Three days later
I observed the first soccer practice of the most beautiful, but very awkward playing team ever.
Shortly after two most elves had arrived at my backyard. As Maeglin had ordered, I had organized matching outfits for the team and I had cross stitched that darn leaf on each tricot. Not enough Maeglin had forced me to iron numbers on too.
When they had dressed. Elladan, Legolas and Rumil distracted everyone with their first round of trying to dance the "Dying Swan". Elrond had decided that this was the perfect "cheerleading" dance to ruin the spirit of every other team!

I was surprised, that Haldir knew the rules and laws of soccer and explained with speed what the game was about. Cheerleaders danced by - holding hands in a zig zag movement - Haldir had to explain all over again. They decided that for practice reasons and to warm up two rounds around the soccer court should be run.

Well, I missed that part, because my eyes could not follow! Then they divided into two teams for the first practice game. Elrond stood in the middle of the place, in his brand new black shorts and black shirt and used his whistle for the first time. Suddenly all elves were gone!
Somehow I must have exchanged the soccer whistle with the one to scare the neighbor dog. Saelbeth was beside me and whispered with big eyes "Nazgul!".

We managed to clear the confusion and got Elrond the right whistle. The game began. For several minutes all was fine, elves ran behind the ball, shot it around. Until Haldir figured out, what actually a foul is!

Lindir did not like to be flipped twice and wrestled Amrion to the ground, who had been running next to him.
Lindir did not care who fouled him. Matter of fact Amrion has watched to much hockey! His body check on Gildor upset Saelbeth and so Elrond went between them for the first time when they started to pull on each other's braids!

Game continued for 15 minutes without too many bruises. Thandronen got the ball and ran, faster than light, Maeglin took over, stormed kicking the ball like crazy into direction of the goal. He shot, Glorfindel caught and was knocked with the ball against the tree - definitely no apples this year, blossoms all gone now, seemed to be snowing for 5 minutes!

Cheerleaders danced by again - goal for team A. Elladan wanted to slay Ecthelion because the wolf whistling freaked him out. Elrond stopped game for ten minutes. Meanwhile Maeglin and Glorfindel got into a major argument over the shot earlier and Elrond had to run to separate the two of them when Glorfindel started shake Maeglin and raising his right fist, yelling: "That is for the Balrog! ". Maeglin and Glorfindel got the yellow card for beating each other!

Gildor took the opportunity to get the ball and got a goal for team B. Saelbeth ran as fast as he could, I only saw dust flying, knocked down Erestor who happened to be in his way.....
All together they played 90 minutes. No major injuries are to be reported. Here and there some decent bruises and some scratches.

They went to the showers and gathered around my pear tree to enjoy some of Glorfindel's moonshine to recover from the heavy workout. Haldir considered the first practice as successful, even his swollen lip made it hard to understand him.

Erestor's black eye will be gone soon.
Saelbeth will sing this coming holiday season: All I want for Christmas are my two front teeth, my two front teeth.....uhm, I hope Elrond fixed that already.

New rules were made too:

- Legolas MUST wear underwear if he dances Cancan!
- No more Rugby watching for march wardens!(Haldir)
- old grudges have to be left out during the game (Glorfindel vs. Maeglin)
- threatening the judge "You whistle one more time and I feed you to the Saruman's wargs" is not a polite expression concerning Elrond's judgment (Thranduil)
- holding tight on someelf's braid to keep him from running is not allowed (Gildor vs. Saelbeth)
- Lifting and turning Erestor, so he runs into the opposite direction will be punished (Thandronen)
- blowing kisses to get cheerleaders totally distracted and to make them trip over each other and fall is not nice (Lindir)
- Pulling someelf's shorts up, to make him suffer is not fun (Saelbeth)
Watching Boromir. Aragorn and Gandalf was a blast. Elves were booing of course when Gandalf used staff and ball went on his own into the goal. But way more discipline there!
Right now they are having lots of fun (one barrel down) and are discussing strategies for the next game.
---
Four days later

Today's soccer practice worked out great. Haldir gave out a booklet for each elf, mortal and Wizard with the rules of soccer as well as the newly set rules. Matter of fact he left quiet some space for additions!

They changed clothes in the garden. It took the emergency 50 minutes to revive my 82 year old spinster neighbor.

Elrond on mistake switched to a higher speed of the music from the ghetto blaster. Matter of fact Elladan, Legolas and Rumil seemed to dance Greek Sirtaki today.

There was no fighting just the regular shoving and pushing and pulling each others braids.

Thandronen may actually be out of order for some days and also may talk in a higher voice for a while. He did not see the fence pole that jumped between his legs.

They all retreated into the basement today. Amrion had come over earlier already and helped Maeglin to set up a distillery. Amrion carried beer benches down and once Balewath had arrived, they rumbled the barrels with the elderberry blossom-water-sugar-brew down too. Maeglin got lots of wood to heat the main kettle.

Now all elves are together with Thranduil and Gandalf in the basement and there is loud singing and laughter to be heard. Elrond once came up the stairs to say good bye and go home, but Saelbeth dragged him back down. Nothing heard from Elrond ever since.

Gandalf left rather early, was busy to meet others that would play for the team of the Valar.
Thranduil needed a funnel and I heard Elladan pleading for mercy .
Gildor escaped the basement and asked for chamomile tea.
The only one really good behaving is Rumil who sits besides Gildor and is patting his hand.
I do not know what kind of drinking game they have, but they do look rather awkward.
Legolas has piggy tails,
Amrion a soot covered nose
Maeglin has flowers in his hair and a rose between his teeth
Saelbeth wears Elladan's skirt.
Thandronen answers when addressed singing: I am so pretty,....
Balewath balances shot glasses on his forehead
Glorfindel only reacts when called "Goldilocks"
Gildor has a giant flower painted over his face with MY lipstick
Elladan has passed out
Elrond has passed out - must run in the family.
Thranduil LAST ELF STANDING!!!!
---
Since it was a really pretty day, I went onto my balcony to take sunbathe and also to watch what the elves were up to.

Elrond summoned them all in the backyard and held a speech about the latest outraging things that happened. He looked accusingly at Amrion and Maeglin, who had been brewing last time. He thanked Maeglin though for bailing him out of jail on Saturday morning.

While Elrond rambled on in a very boring tone, Erestor hit Amrion twice in the back of his head to stop him from whispering with Balewath. Latter one declared that for warming up they should play today miniature golf and ping pong, table tennis. He had been with Glorfindel to the local Mini Golf club and had rented equipment (yes, my money is going down the drain right now) - must say, that the bandana around his head to cover the pointy ears is awesome.

Maeglin had been over at my other neighbor to borrow the ping pong table. How he had asked, I do not know. Must have spilled his charms again, since neighbor came very pale and still shaking and his wife offered to drive me everyday to the train station.
Haldir, Rumil and Glorfindel started the mini golf. Haldir wanted the others to stand in line behind him and pointed several times at golf ball and with lightening speed he hit ball . It's gone forever, probably to Russia straight through my moms windows. Rumil shoved his brother to the side and took over. He started to tell and show Haldir how to hold the club as well as how to aim for the golf ball. He aimed once, aimed twice, stroke out with unbelievable power - Glorfindel went down into the grass, passed out.

Meanwhile Gildor decided to play with Maeglin a round of table tennis. He tried and hit. Maeglin jumped straight up in to the air, hit the ball. Gildor ran 30 yards back, caught it! Amrion screamed in between that they should try to hit the table once in a while! Legolas thought, it would be more fun, if they played double. Maeglin-Gildor vs. Legolas-Amrion. Next things that I saw were shadows moving and something like a thin white lightening was flashing through my garden.

Balewath stood in the front yard chatting with the old neighbor spinster. He though was very polite and asked how she felt after her near death experience the week before. Suddenly something hit him straight on top of his head and he jumped in triangles around, holding his head. I think it was Erestor's golf ball. Anyway Elrond raced with the first aid kit to help.

Meanwhile Elladan got into soccer mood and had no intentions of cheerleading today. So he talked Saelbeth and Thandronen as well as Lindir to play a round of soccer. Screaming and hollering and shooting the ball around until it landed on neighbor farmer's meadow. So far no problem, besides that our farmers kick their cattle out onto the meadows. So there is Zar, 3 year old bull, sleeping peacefully straight in front of the fence.

The elves decided to distract the bull to get ball.
Elladan took red and white checkered table cloth from my garden table. Thandronen and Saelbeth got as close as they could get to the fence and started singing horrible loud to get the bull's attention.
Elldan jumped over the fence yelling: Ole! Look mooh mooh cow, here is uncle Elladan.Come and get me! "

Zar, the bull got up, turned around, snorting and making evil noises and started digging with his left front hoof.
I could observe Elladan running forth and back and up and down and left to right and in circles and zig zag over the meadow, table cloth flying behind him like a banner in battle - and the bull straight behind him.

Thandronen and Saelbeth still were singing like crazy and Balewath went to get the ball. Elladan came back over the fence. With a feral scream that sounded like a battle cry of a warrior that crowsed over his dead enemy Elladan addressed the bull and then stuck his tongue out and blew raspberries. Zar, 3000 lbs, though once he started to run, had problems to hit the breaks and had no sense of humor at all.

And so he went through the fence, taking it actually with him. I have never seen anyone faster climbing up that old apple tree than Elladan. Thandronen, Saelbeth and Balewath grabbed the gutter and went up to the roof of my house.
The vet came by and brought the bull down with two tranquilizer shots - need new garage door tough.

Maeglin right now takes the gutters apart, while Thandronen is digging through the water drain in search of Saelbeth's teeth. Elrond should have fixed them better, so they do not come off every now and then when Sael gets excited.

Balewath and Glorfindel are sitting at my mother's kitchen nook each armed with an ice bag. Glorfindel for his chin, Balewath for his head.
Elladan is story telling how he fought the bull!
Legolas and Amrion are still playing ping pong or better flash-whoom-flash
Haldir is filling out the insurance form with my mom.

I have decided that I am NOT going to pay for the damage in Wolgograd/Russia!