Red is the Color of my True Love's... something something something...

Red is the Color of my true love's.... something something something.

Author ZeeDrippyVessel

An Empty Vessel MisAdventure. Takes place around the next to last chapter of EV

Rated PG13 for insects.

I am NOT Tolkien. He would roll over in his grave if he saw how I just defiled one of the most revered and respected creations.

Warnings:... this is the stupidest thing I've ever written. It is truly GAFF worthy and I don't care! Don't bother telling me I'm sick. My beta already has! And if you think I am... why are you reading this far anyway?

Beta: Yeah, like right. I wouldn't wish this on Alex! If Niamh were alive, she'd thump me good!!! But Alex did it… and told me I was a sick woman.

Written for Vi's Color Valentine Challenge at Haldir Lovers. It was going to be a drabble, but I missed it by about... 400 words.

***

Haldir rolled over, bringing his cloak with him, fully covering him and his wife. Leaves came up with the cloak, showering them with vibrant fall colors. She snuggled in, wedging herself into his embrace.

“Don’t ask me if it was good,” she smiled. “You know it was.”

Her husband’s laugh was more a silent explosion of mirth. “Do men in your world truly need a special day to remind them to tell their wives how wonderful they really are?”

For a moment, Bronwyn’s smile faded, dark memories flooding. “Sometimes, they even forget that day.” Before the Elf could question her, react to her sudden change of moods, a sound of grating, biting, gnawing screeched through the woods, scattering birds and cute rodents.

“AAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAA-BAAAAAAAAA-AAAAAAAAAH BYYYYYYYYYY-ROOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOM…”

Haldir jumped up, leaving Bronwyn in a shower of foliage and fighting for her dignity. She jumped up, shrugging into her clothes and inelegantly tried to jump in her shoes as she chased after her husband, who somehow managed to dress without a thought.

The thumping and howling continued, taking the pair deeper into the forest. “Haldir,” Bronwyn whispered, “that sounds like Treebeard. He normally doesn’t venture this deep in this part of the woods.”

“He sounds injured.” As they came closer to an obvious clearing where the noise was originating from, he motioned his wife to stay back, in case of danger.

She ignored him.

They peered around a large tree…

“Oh, my God!” Bronwyn’s eyes bugged, Haldir’s jaw dropped.

Treebeard was hugged up to a tree, banging away for dear life.

“BAAAAAAAAAAAAA-BBBBBBBYYYYYYYYYYY BAAAAAAAAARRRRRRRRROOOOOOOOOOOM…”

“Is that an… Entwife?” Bronwyn was pointing at the poor tree. “Poor things. Small wonder they hid!”

Haldir shook his head. “He found a convenient… knothole.”

Bronwyn peered closer, Treebeard was none the wiser, being too busy humping the tree. “Haldir!” she gasped, “His woody has… splinters!!!”

Haldir looked at his wife aghast. “I cannot believe you are looking at it close enough to notice!” Bronwyn stuck her tongue out at him. “Pervert!”

“I married you!”

The two Voyeurs watched, grossly fascinated as the Ent came to the obvious conclusion, making both blanch and grimace and spit. No sooner than he finished and withdrew, he began to jump up and down, smacking at…

“BAAAR_TEEEEEEEEEEEEERRRRRRRRRMMMMMMMMMMMIIIIIIITTTTTSSSSSSSS….ROOOOOOOOOOOOM…”

Bronwyn began to back up. “Oh, that was just something I did NOT want to contemplate!” She stopped in her tracks and put her hand to her mouth and began to whine. “Poor Treebeard. I’ll never be able to look at him again.”

Haldir joined her. He took her hand and began to drag her back towards Rivendell. “I was going to take you back to the clearing for thirds, but now-“

“Now what?”

The thought of Treebeard knocking termites from his …entwood… made his flesh crawl. He scratched himself. “I feel the extreme urge to bathe my … archer.”

Bronwyn sped ahead. “You’re not the only one that needs to bathe.”

THE END!!!!