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LuthienTinuviel
Joined: 29 Dec 2003
Posts: 354
Location: Dancing in the clouds.
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 Posted: Fri Jan 21, 2005 4:45 am Post subject: Evil Time Ladies |
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I know it's politically incorrect, but some days ago me and some buddies discovered this book titled "Politically Incorrect and Rude Jokes", and I'd like to share some of it that tickled us to bits.
Q : In what way are males similar to toilets?
A : They're either vacant, engaged, or full of s***.
Q : What do you call a male without 99% of his intelligence?
A : Castrated.
Q : Why do men name their penises?
A : Because they want to be on a first-name basis with the one who makes all their decisions
Q : What is the thinnest book in the world?
A : "What men know about women."
Q : How are men and parking spots alike?
A : The good ones are always taken. Free ones are mostly handicapped or extremely small.
I mean no offense to any men around here, and I highly apologise if you are offended. I'd rather you'd return it with some female-bashing jokes tho 
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}}}}}Life's a journey you unfold with each step.{{{{{ |
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JadwigaArda
Joined: 07 May 2004
Posts: 15
Location: West of the Misty Mountains
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| Posted: Fri Jan 21, 2005 5:07 am Post subject: |
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The jokes are very funny. I do hope that some female jokes are put up as well - they are just as amusing! Too much polictical correctness around if you ask me. It's ridiclous and gets in the way of harmless fun and good comdey. Sorry about the spelling - far too early to be word perfect.
Jadwiga
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'Again she fled, but swift he came.
Tinuviel! Tinuviel!....
One moment stood she, and a spell
His voice laid on her: Beren came,
And doom fell on Tinuviel
That in his arms lay glistening.' |
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NancyBrooke
Challenge Admin
Joined: 11 May 2003
Posts: 160
Location: In a motel 6 by the airport
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| Posted: Fri Jan 21, 2005 10:19 am Post subject: |
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Pretty much with any good joke they object is exchangeable.
Case in point: I've heard the following said about Men, Women, and men from my alma mater (my personal favorite):
 How does a man change a lightbulb?
 He holds it up to the socket and waits for the world to revolve around him.
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NB Duchess of WHY TF Cant'chu Punctuate, First Duchess of F*&(ing &*ll yur comma placement sux!
Nazgul #3 in charge of ducking & sniggering
Garo golf a conu ned i eneth aran an ir ho delitha ad |
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inglor
Joined: 26 Apr 2004
Posts: 853
Location: Not here, not there, not anywhere
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| Posted: Fri Jan 21, 2005 10:29 am Post subject: |
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The fun thing about some of these is that all you need to do is add "wo" to "man" or "men". Especially the lightbulb one 
Never trust anything that bleeds for a week and doesn't die...
I'll get more later
Inglor
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Hi, My name is Inglor and I am a Tolkien Geek (sub-species: Silgeek)
Owner of the phrase: "merciless attention" so authorized by Viv |
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inglor
Joined: 26 Apr 2004
Posts: 853
Location: Not here, not there, not anywhere
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| Posted: Fri Jan 21, 2005 10:52 am Post subject: |
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What's the difference between a woman having her period and a terrorist?
A: You can negotiate with a terrorist.
Why is it called PMS? -- Because "Mad Cow Disease" was already taken
To be happy with a man, you must understand him a lot and love him a little.
To be happy with a woman, you must love her a lot and not try to understand her at all.
I married my wife for her looks...but not the ones she's been giving me lately!
Understanding a Woman:
We need REALLY MEANS I want
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You want REALLY MEANS You need
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It's your decision REALLY MEANS The correct decision should be obvious by now.
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We need to talk REALLY MEANS I need to complain
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Do what you want REALLY MEANS You'll pay for this later.
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You're ... so manly REALLY MEANS You need a shave and you sweat a lot.
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Sure... go ahead REALLY MEANS I don't want you to.
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I'm not upset REALLY MEANS Of course I'm upset, you moron!
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You're certainly attentive tonight. REALLY MEANS Is sex all you ever think about?
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I'm not emotional! And I'm not overreacting! REALLY MEANS I'm on my period.
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Be romantic, turn out the lights. REALLY MEANS I'm Embarrassed
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This kitchen is so inconvenient REALLY MEANS I want a new house.
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You have to learn to communicate. REALLY MEANS Just agree with me.
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Yes REALLY MEANS No
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No REALLY MEANS No
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Maybe REALLY MEANS No
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I heard a noise REALLY MEANS I noticed you were almost asleep.
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Do you love me? REALLY MEANS I'm going to ask for something expensive.
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How much do you love me? REALLY MEANS I did something you're not going to like.
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I'll be ready in a minute. REALLY MEANS Be patient I'll be a while.
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Am I a little fat? REALLY MEANS Tell me I'm beautiful.
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I'm sorry. REALLY MEANS You'll be sorry.
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Do you like this recipe? REALLY MEANS It's easy to fix, so get used to it.
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Was that the baby? REALLY MEANS Why don't you wake up and deal with the baby.
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I'm not yelling! REALLY MEANS Yes I am yelling because I think this is important.
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All we're going to buy is a soap dish REALLY MEANS Major shopping trip. Did you bring your checkbook?
The Rules
The female always makes the rules.
The rules are subject to change at any time without prior notification.
No male can possibly know all the rules.
If the female suspects the male knows all the rules, she must immediately change some or all the rules.
The female is never wrong.
If the female is wrong, it is because of a flagrant misunderstanding which was a direct result of something the male did or said wrong.
If Rule 6 applies, the male must apologize immediately for causing the misunderstanding.
The female can change her mind at any given point in time for any reason.
The male must never change his mind without express written consent from the female.
The female has every right to be angry or upset at any time.
The male must remain calm at all times, unless the female wants him to be angry or upset.
The female must not, under any circumstances, let the male know whether or not she wants him to be angry or upset.
Any attempt by the male to document these rules could result in severe bodily harm.
If the female has PMS, all rules are null and void
WOMEN'S REVENGE
"Cash, check or charge?" I asked, after bagging items the woman wished to purchase. As she fumbled for her wallet I noticed a TV remote in her purse. "So, do you always carry your TV remote?" I asked. "No," she replied, "but my husband refused to come shopping with me, so I figured this was the most legal evil thing I could do to him."
UNDERSTANDING WOMEN (A MAN'S PERSPECTIVE)
I know I'm not going to understand women. I'll never understand how you can take boiling hot wax, pour it onto your upper thigh, rip the hair out by the roots, and still be afraid of a spider.
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Hi, My name is Inglor and I am a Tolkien Geek (sub-species: Silgeek)
Owner of the phrase: "merciless attention" so authorized by Viv |
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NancyBrooke
Challenge Admin
Joined: 11 May 2003
Posts: 160
Location: In a motel 6 by the airport
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| Posted: Fri Jan 21, 2005 11:00 am Post subject: |
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| Manly Inglor wrote: | | It's your decision REALLY MEANS The correct decision should be obvious by now. |
 Clearly, you would understand me, at any rate!
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NB Duchess of WHY TF Cant'chu Punctuate, First Duchess of F*&(ing &*ll yur comma placement sux!
Nazgul #3 in charge of ducking & sniggering
Garo golf a conu ned i eneth aran an ir ho delitha ad |
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Havetoist
Joined: 14 Apr 2004
Posts: 60
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| Posted: Fri Jan 21, 2005 11:27 am Post subject: |
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| inglor wrote: |
Never trust anything that bleeds for a week and doesn't die...Inglor |
Doesn't exactly make our week either
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Life is mostly froth and bubble
two things stand like stone
kindness in another's troubles
courage in your own |
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Yavanie
Joined: 02 Jun 2004
Posts: 630
Location: Texas
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| Posted: Fri Jan 21, 2005 12:16 pm Post subject: |
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Oh to have had "the Rules" last night! Rocheron needed to hear a few of them!!!!
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Yavanie
...I understand the sadness of the Elves, and I have seen Mordor.
To be older and wiser you must first be younger and stupider. |
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inglor
Joined: 26 Apr 2004
Posts: 853
Location: Not here, not there, not anywhere
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| Posted: Fri Jan 21, 2005 1:31 pm Post subject: |
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After reading this thread, I listened to Chris Rock's diatribe on the subject of intergender communication, nearly pissed my pants
Inglor
PS, how many of you can check off stuff from the Understanding Women?
Don't get me wrong I love women, even their tendencies to the irrational. 
I am thankful for the differences between us, otherwise, I'd be living in a house with crates for furniture and wearing college Tshirts all the time. At least now I have some taste and and no longer have to be reminded that horizontal stripes don't go with vertical stripes
Inglor the Manly (so dubed by Nan-say Bee)
_________________
Hi, My name is Inglor and I am a Tolkien Geek (sub-species: Silgeek)
Owner of the phrase: "merciless attention" so authorized by Viv
Last edited by inglor on Fri Jan 21, 2005 1:43 pm; edited 1 time in total |
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Havetoist
Joined: 14 Apr 2004
Posts: 60
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| Posted: Fri Jan 21, 2005 1:32 pm Post subject: |
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| Inglor....reconsidering my secret attachment and fondness for you.... |
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inglor
Joined: 26 Apr 2004
Posts: 853
Location: Not here, not there, not anywhere
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| Posted: Fri Jan 21, 2005 1:47 pm Post subject: |
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Now what did I do? (I find myself saying that quite alot...)
I'm sorry (see rule 7 above)
_________________
Hi, My name is Inglor and I am a Tolkien Geek (sub-species: Silgeek)
Owner of the phrase: "merciless attention" so authorized by Viv |
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Alassante
Virtual Village Mod
Joined: 10 Dec 2004
Posts: 20
Location: Hitchhiking to Rivendell
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| Posted: Fri Jan 21, 2005 2:35 pm Post subject: |
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| inglor wrote: |
Never trust anything that bleeds for a week and doesn't die...
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Wow - not only politically incorrect but pretty gross as well. 
See what happens when you mess with the men on this site. They fight back pretty hard. 
As a woman, I find the jokes funny. As a person, I admire Inglor's spunk. So I must say to the women and men of this board - GET EM!!!!!!!
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Nagzul #2 - The Nazgul of Shmoove
Crucio! Because stupidity should be painful!
http://alikat7.livejournal.com/ |
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Elentari
Joined: 12 May 2003
Posts: 254
Location: Lost in elven dreams...
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| Posted: Fri Jan 21, 2005 3:07 pm Post subject: |
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Laughed myself silly.
Inglor, you have a talent here. Do the world a favour and spread the truth to your freinds. Make it a global mail chain.
The Rules
The female always makes the rules.
The rules are subject to change at any time without prior notification.
No male can possibly know all the rules.
If the female suspects the male knows all the rules, she must immediately change some or all the rules.
The female is never wrong.
If the female is wrong, it is because of a flagrant misunderstanding which was a direct result of something the male did or said wrong.
If Rule 6 applies, the male must apologize immediately for causing the misunderstanding.
The female can change her mind at any given point in time for any reason.
The male must never change his mind without express written consent from the female.
The female has every right to be angry or upset at any time.
The male must remain calm at all times, unless the female wants him to be angry or upset.
The female must not, under any circumstances, let the male know whether or not she wants him to be angry or upset.
Any attempt by the male to document these rules could result in severe bodily harm.
If the female has PMS, all rules are null and void
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NancyBrooke
Challenge Admin
Joined: 11 May 2003
Posts: 160
Location: In a motel 6 by the airport
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| Posted: Fri Jan 21, 2005 4:21 pm Post subject: |
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| inglor wrote: | PS, how many of you can check off stuff from the Understanding Women?
Inglor the Manly (so dubed by Nan-say Bee) |
I check off nine (how many are there? scrolling screen makes it so difficult to count), mostly in the passive/agressive arena I'm  to notice  as in:
It's your decision REALLY MEANS The correct decision should be obvious by now.
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We need to talk REALLY MEANS I need to complain
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Do what you want REALLY MEANS You'll pay for this later.
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Sure... go ahead REALLY MEANS I don't want you to.
 Now will this self-awareness alter my behavior? tune in next time when ...
When did this thread turn from good natured ribbing to therapy?
_________________
NB Duchess of WHY TF Cant'chu Punctuate, First Duchess of F*&(ing &*ll yur comma placement sux!
Nazgul #3 in charge of ducking & sniggering
Garo golf a conu ned i eneth aran an ir ho delitha ad |
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inglor
Joined: 26 Apr 2004
Posts: 853
Location: Not here, not there, not anywhere
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| Posted: Fri Jan 21, 2005 4:36 pm Post subject: |
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Divorce: ripping a man's balls out through his wallet
- Robin Williams
_________________
Hi, My name is Inglor and I am a Tolkien Geek (sub-species: Silgeek)
Owner of the phrase: "merciless attention" so authorized by Viv |
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