[Rocheron]

[Rocheron]

[ghettoelleth]

Sometimes we are not thinking about you. Live with it.
Then why did he get so upset the other night when I called him someone elses name. I hate a double standard.

[LuthienTinuviel]

[DreadLadyFreya]

[SecretKeeper]

Ooh, lawyer jokes? Please do tell, erm...at least the ones that deal with sexism...ehhh.......

[DreadLadyFreya]

Sorry, can't remember any dealing with sexism, just the more violent ones:

What do you call 100 lawyers at the bottom of the ocean?
A good start.


Why don't sharks eat lawyers?
Professional courtesy.


What do you call parachuting lawyers?
Skeet.


And before anyone complains, I used to work for an attorney, and she's the one who told me!

[SecretKeeper]

fun especially the last one about calling a parachuting lawyer skeet, reminded me of Rita Skeeter from the Harry Potter books.

[Texasgirl]

sometimes, when i'm very, veyr, VERY drunk i pity the guys.....

one wrong move and they're doubled over in pain! isn't it just convienient that their most sensitive bondy part is just at kneeing level?

TG

[inglor]

[Amlee]

The husband asked his wife what she'd like for her birthday. "I'd love to be six again," she replied. On the morning of her birthday, he woke up early, got up, made her a nice big bowl of Lucky Charms and then took her off to Disneyland.

What a day! They went on every ride in the park. The Matterhorn, Space Mountain, Splash Mountain, Pirates of the Caribbean, and the Haunted Mansion. Five hours later she staggered out of the theme park. Her head was reeling and her stomach felt upside down. They drove to a McDonald's where her loving husband ordered her a Happy Meal with extra fries and a refreshing chocolate shake. Then it was off to a movie to see the latest blockbuster, a hot-dog, popcorn, a soda pop, and her favorite candy, M&M's. What a fabulous adventure!

Finally she wobbled home with her husband and collapsed into bed,
exhausted. He leaned over his precious wife with a big smile and
lovingly asked, "Well, dear, what was it like being six again?" Her
eyes slowly opened and her expression suddenly changed. "Is that what this crazy day was all about? You idiot, I meant my dress size!"

The moral of the story: Even when a man is listening, he's still gonna get it wrong.

[Amlee]

Man who run in front of car get tired.

*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*

Man who run behind car get exhausted.

*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*

Man with hand in pocket feel cocky all day.

*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*

Foolish man give wife grand piano, wise man give wife upright organ.

*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*

Man who walk through airport turnstile sideways going to Bangkok.

*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*

Man with one chopstick go hungry.

*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*

Man who scratch ass should not bite fingernails.

*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*

Man who eat many prunes get good run for money.

*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*

Baseball is wrong: man with four balls cannot walk.

*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*

Panties not best thing on earth! But next to best thing on earth.

*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*

War does not determine who is right, war determine who is left.

*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*

Wife who put husband in doghouse soon find him in cat house.

*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*

Man who fight with wife all day get no piece at night.

*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*

It take many nails to build crib, but one screw to fill it.

*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*

Man who drive like hell, bound to get there.

*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*

Man who stand on toilet is high on pot.

*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*

Man who live in glass house should change clothes in basement.

*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*

Man who fish in other man's well often catch crabs.

*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*

Man who fart in church sit in own pew.

*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*

Crowded elevator smell different to midget.

[Yavanie]

Lawyers (got this from a lawyer I worked for)


what do you call a bunch of lawyers up to their necks in cement?



Not enough cement!

[ArtanisOrangeBlossom]

NEVER ARGUE WITH A WOMAN!
A couple goes on vacation to a fishing resort in northern Minnesota. The husband likes to fish at the crack of dawn. The wife likes to read.

One morning the husband returns after several hours of fishing and decides to take a nap.

Although not familiar with the lake, the wife decides to take the boat out. She motors out a short distance, anchors and continues to read her book.

Along comes a game warden in his boat. He pulls up alongside the woman and says, "Good morning, Ma'am. What are you doing?"

"Reading a book," she replies. (thinking isn't that obvious?)

"You're in a restricted fishing area" he informs her.

"I'm sorry officer, but I'm not fishing, I'm reading.

"Yes, but you have all the equipment. For all I know you could start at any moment. I'll have to take you in and write you up.

"If you do that, I"ll have to charge you with sexual assault," says the woman.

"But I have not even touched you," says the game warden.

"That's true, but you have all the equipment. For all I know you could start at any moment."

"Have a nice day ma'am," and he left.

MORAL ~ Never argue with a woman who reads. It is likely she can also think.



=============
WORDS WOMEN USE

FINE
> This is the word women use to end an argument when they feel they are
right
> and you need to shut up. Never use "fine" to describe how a woman
looks -
> this will cause you to have one of those arguments.
>
> FIVE MINUTES
> This is half an hour. It is equivalent to the five minutes that your
> football game is going to last before you take out the trash, so it's
an
> even trade.
>
> NOTHING
> This means "something," and you should be on your toes. "Nothing" is
> usually
>
> used to describe the feeling a woman has of wanting to turn you
inside
out,
> upside down, and backwards. "Nothing" usually signifies an argument
that
> will last "Five Minutes" and end with "Fine".
>
> GO AHEAD (With Raised Eyebrows)
> This is a dare. One that will result in a woman getting upset over
> "Nothing"
> and will end with the word "Fine"
>
> GO AHEAD (Normal Eyebrows)
> This means "I give up" or "do what you want because I don't care" You
will
> get a "Raised Eyebrow Go Ahead" in just a few minutes, followed by
> "Nothing"
> and "Fine" and she will talk to you in about "Five Minutes" when she
cools
> off.
>
> LOUD SIGH
> This is not actually a word, but is a non-verbal statement often
> misunderstood by men. A "Loud Sigh" means she thinks you are an idiot
at
> that moment, and wonders why she is wasting her time standing here
and
> arguing with you over "Nothing".
>
> SOFT SIGH
> Again, not a word, but a non-verbal statement. "Soft Sighs" mean that
she
> is
> content. Your best bet is to not move or breathe, and she will stay
> content.
>
>
> THAT'S OKAY
> This is one of the most dangerous statements that a woman can make to
a
> man.
> "That's Okay" means that she wants to think long and hard before
paying
you
> back for whatever it is that you have done. "That's Okay" is often
used
> with
> the word "Fine" and in conjunction with a "Raised Eyebrow."
>
> GO AHEAD
> At some point in the near future, you are going to be in some mighty
big
> trouble.
>
> PLEASE DO
> This is not a statement, it is an offer. A woman is giving you the
chance
> to
> come up with whatever excuse or reason you have for doing whatever it
is
> that you have done. You have a fair chance with the truth, so be
careful
> and
> you shouldn't get a "That's Okay".
>
> THANKS
> A woman is thanking you. Do not faint. Just say you're welcome.
>
> THANKS A LOT
> This is much different from "Thanks." A woman will say, "Thanks A
Lot"
when
> she is really ticked off at you. It signifies that you have offended
her
in
> some callous way, and will be followed by the "Loud Sigh." Be careful
not
> to
ask what is wrong after the "Loud Sigh," as she will only tell you
"Nothing"


---------------------

Painful New Invention:
>>A scientist from the University of Texas has
invented a bra that
keeps
>>women's breasts from jiggling and prevents the
nipples from pushing
>>through the fabric when cold weather sets in.
>>At a news conference announcing the invention, the
scientist was
>>taken outside by a group of cowboys who kicked the
shit out of him.

-----------------

"I'm a wonderful housekeeper. Everytime I divorce a man I keep a house"--Zsa Zsa Gabor

[Robbie]

The Little Yellow Joke.

There was a little yellow man who lived in a little yellow house in a little yellow world where everything was little and yellow. One little yellow day the little yellow man woke up in his little yellow bedroom where everything is little and yellow. The bed was little and yellow the sideboard was little yellow, the carpet and curtains were all little yellow. Well, the little yellow man got up and went into his little yellow bathroom where everything was little and yellow. The bath was little yellow, the sink and loo were all little yellow, and the carpets and curtains were all little yellow. The little yellow man had a little yellow wash with his little yellow flannel and he cleaned his little yellow teeth with a little yellow toothbrush. After sprucing his little yellowself up the little yellow man went downstairs to have a little yellow breakfast. This consisted of little yellow Corn Flakes with a little yellow milk and little yellow sugar. After this he had come little yellow toast with a little yellow marmalade.

This little yellow man went outside after he had done the little yellow washing up. The sun was shining on his little yellow house and his little yellow garden. The little yellow garden was in perfect condition, with not a single little yellow weed to be seen anywhere. The little yellow daffodils were out in full bloom lining the regularly cut little yellow lawn and the little yellow path which led up to the little yellow road. As it was such a lovely little yellow day the little yellow man decided to go for a walk. He walked down the little yellow road and into the little yellow country. This small little yellow walk made him feel more like going for a little yellow holiday. He quickly returned to his little yellow house, packed his little yellow suitcase with some little yellow clothes and some little yellow washing items and phoned a little yellow taxi on his little yellow telephone. He rushed outside, closed his little yellow gate and waited outside. The little yellow taxi arrived very quickly and the little yellow man climbed into the back. He asked the little yellow taxi driver to take him to the nearest little yellow hotel. Half an hour later he arrived at a little yellow hotel and the little yellow man got out of the little yellow taxi, paid the little yellow taxi driver for the journey and entered up the little yellow steps into the little yellow hotel.

The little yellow man went up to the little yellow reception and asked the little yellow receptionist if there was a little yellow room available. She replied that there was so the little yellow man asked for it. She asked him if he could sign the little yellow book with a little yellow pen and gave him the little yellow key to the little yellow room. The little yellow man went up the little yellow stairs, along the little yellow corridor and he found a little yellow lift which he used to go to his little yellow floor. He entered his little yellow room and found, just like he had asked, everything was little yellow. The carpet was little yellow, the curtains were little yellow, the bed was little yellow, in fact everything was little yellow. In the corner of the little yellow room was a little yellow cord hanging down from the little yellow ceiling. The little yellow man worried about what the little yellow cord did, so he went down the little yellow lift and asked the little yellow receptionist. She said he would just have to find out for his little yellowself.

He refused to stay in the little yellow room if he did not know what the little yellow cord did so he took his little yellow suitcase and hailed another little yellow taxi. The little yellow taxi arrived very quickly and the little yellow man climbed into the front. He asked the little yellow taxi driver to take him to the next little yellow hotel. An hour later he arrived at another little yellow hotel and the little yellow man got out of the little yellow taxi, paid the little yellow taxi driver for the journey and entered up the little yellow steps into the little yellow hotel.

The little yellow man went up to the little yellow reception and asked the little yellow receptionist if there was a little yellow room available. She replied that there was so the little yellow man asked for it. She asked him if he could sign the little yellow book with a little yellow pen and gave him the little yellow key to the little yellow room. The little yellow man found another little yellow lift which he used to go to his little yellow floor. He entered his little yellow room and found, just like before, everything was little yellow. The carpet was little yellow, the curtains were little yellow, the bed was little yellow, in fact everything was little yellow. But again in the corner of the little yellow room was another little yellow cord hanging down from the little yellow ceiling. The little yellow man worried about what the little yellow cord did, so he went down the little yellow lift and asked the little yellow receptionist. She said he would just have to find out for his little yellowself. He refused to stay in the little yellow room if he did not know what the little yellow cord did so he took his little yellow suitcase and hailed a third little yellow taxi. The little yellow taxi arrived very quickly and the little yellow man climbed into the back again. He asked the little yellow taxi driver to take him to the nearest little yellow hotel. An quarter of an hour later he arrived at the third little yellow hotel and the little yellow man got out of the little yellow taxi, paid the little yellow taxi driver for the journey and entered up the little yellow steps into the little yellow hotel.

The little yellow man went up to the little yellow reception and asked the little yellow receptionist if there was another little yellow room available. She replied that there was so the little yellow man asked for it. She asked him if he could sign the little yellow book with a little yellow pen and gave him the little yellow key to the little yellow room. The little yellow man went up the little yellow stairs to his little yellow floor. He entered his little yellow room and found, just like last time asked, everything was little yellow. The carpet was little yellow, the curtains were little yellow, the bed was little yellow, in fact everything was little yellow. In the corner of the little yellow room was a little yellow cord hanging down from the little yellow ceiling. The little yellow man was still very worried about what the little yellow cord did, so he went down the little yellow lift and asked the little yellow receptionist. She said he would just have to find out for his little yellowself. This time, however, the little yellow man said he would keep the room because he was secretly inquisitive about what the cord did. He then went into the room, waited a while and pulled the little yellow cord...... and the little yellow light came on.