[inglor]

I am contemplating a job change that will have me traveling at least 3 days a week and I am seeking the thoughts and opinions of those who have been on the otherside of a traveling spouse.

1. How does the traveling affect your marriage? Good, Bad, Ugly?

2. For those with young children: How hard is being away from said children hard on a)you, b) your husband, and c) the children?



Thanks in advance

Inglor

[ghettoelleth]

My hubby is gone sometimes weeks at a time. When I was working and the kids were younger I spent long long hours in the car after work with piano, sports etc. Now that they're older, the hardest times are the transitions, when he first leaves, just missing him and getting used to him not being here, and when he comes home, DAMMIT, I forgot I have to cook again. Otherwise, my husband loves his job and I have always known that things wold be this way. We go with him or visit him when we can, we spent a year in NZ once, and unless, as is the case right now, he is really far away, he comes home at least every two weeks. But it can be hard and I imagine even more so if its something you were not prepared to deal with all along. The big bonus is, there are soemtimes months at a stretch where I have him home. Whatever you decide, best of luck to you.

[Viv]

My husband travels from time to time, but more often he lives at work (or at least, 14-hour days make it seem that way). When he travels, I really enjoy going along. When he's working long hours, I try to be as involved as possible, baking cookies for his staff and going down to the office to have dinner with him. Some of the other guys' wives bring the kids in, too, for impromptu conference-room dinner parties, and all us industry wives try to support each other with babysitting and so on. It's like an adventure.

If a time-consuming job becomes a team effort in the household, something that everybody is part of, I don't think it's a problem at all. If your wife is opposed even a little, though, it could get bumpy. I've seen a few marriages in my husband's industry dissolve just for want of time together.

[Rhapsody]

We actually both travel a lot for our work. So we actually are quite used to it. If it is daily travel to work, we agreed on not leaving at the same time, because we both need our morning routine (and if you have to get up early... there are other and better reasons to wake up to).

As for children: I can't tell yet, I might know that next year. We're looking into daycare but how you personally react to that.... I can't tell yet.

My advise is: agree on a good routine, expects also time for delays travelling back and forth. We both have our cells on when we're travelling so that we can always call the other when we get stuck or delayed. Just as long if the other knows the how and when (for us this is important for the both of us)... Good luck!

[NeumeIndil]

My father was a travelling construction worker until I was 7. He was gone for a week or so at a time while my mother stayed at home with me. I missed him a lot the first day or so, but grew into the routine of it quickly. I think being allowed to take part in his preparations helped with that. I don't really know how his absence affected my mother.

Ultimately, if you make the most of the time you do have with your kids, they will be less adversely affected by three days a week without you than they would be if you stay in a job you're not satisfied with and come home tired, frustrated or irritable. It's also an opportunity to start traditions and "rituals" with each child (i.e. one helps you pack, one makes you a bag lunch to take with you, you all go to a favorite restaurant before you leave or make a favorite meal, etc.) that will bring you closer to them. Granted, I'm young and don't have kids of my own, but what sticks in my mind at age 23 are things like making breakfast on Saturdays while listening to records (yes, vinyl albums), 'helping' my father do his laundry after he came home from a work week and pouncing on him when he came in the door. Sure he was gone sometimes, but he loved me when he was home; that's what I remember most.

Hope that helped,

Neu

[inglor]

This is why I love this place...


oh, and the porn



Thanks ladies. This is good stuff. If there are any men who would like to weigh in on this, I'd like to hear thier opinions too.

Inglor the Nomadic

[Silvae]

Weeell, I'm not a guy but I'll still add my two cents. Until two years ago, my father was working in a company that deals in France, Holland and the USA. Before that, it was London while we lived in Strasbourg, which meant Mum and I saw him about once a month. As a kid I was used to it, so it was fine (on the other hand that was my father - if both parents were constantly away it would e different). I do know it put a little strainon their couple. When my parents would meet again, both would be tired, stressed, irritable and impatient. An extremely good recipe for fireworks. Big time.

But, hey, it turned out all right.
Good luck,
Silvae[/ramble]

[Maram68]

My own experience is traveling jobs on both sides.

The only thing that makes it work is communication, and I mean a LOT (not yelling, just capitalizing all of it).

For the kids it does get a little bit rocky, and even for you, because you'll always feel you are missing bits here and there and also feel you have to make up for that.

Either way, as long as you and your wife are ok with the decission, there shouldn't be any trouble. And remember to communicate a LOT.

Best vibes,
C.

[Yavanie]

having lived through Ro being out of the country for a month and then for a week here and there and most recently for two weeks, I can say that the biggest issue for the spouse left home is that they are 'on' 24/7 with no break. If the other spouse works this could be doubly so unless the hours are really regular with few unforseen overtimes.

Your child is young and that means an early bedtime and the possibility of some 'down time' for the spouse at home. Additionally you say you should be gone 3 days a week and not for long weeks at a time. Knowing that you would be home weekends (presumably) that would allow the nontraveling spouse a break - but be sure that spouse does get that break. Even if you come in really tired and just want to sit, take over the childcare for an hour or so and order dinner in (pizza even). Then make sure spouse and kid have your attention on the weekend, to let them know that they are a priority too. I know from Ro's point of view not sleeping in your own bed every night and having to email you spouse and kids a good night is no substitute for being together, but it is doable.

so, my point of view, short term absences, escpecially those that can be planned for, are not that big a deal (again communication X3). If it is truly an advancement or stepping stone on your career path and the monetary compensation is good, I would advise you to give it a try. I am, of course, assuming your spouse is in agreement on this. Best of luck!!!

[Leaward]

I've seen both ends ... my husband working 16 hour days which was basically like him travelling a lot, and when he came home he fell straight asleep. Even though he didn't travel, he missed the kids' Christmas concerts and recitals, and I was left running the kids around to basketball and violin lessons, and all the various places they needed to go. I still 'felt' like a single parent most times. I ended up quitting my job in order to stay home with them and they would have at least ONE parent with them.

Then he changed jobs -- it required a lot of travel but when he was home he got to work from home. THAT's what took a lot of adjustment for me because it was like he was intruding on my space, my routines and he kept asking if he could help me with the groceries and such. YIKES! It was like I was suddenly incapable of doing all the stuff I'd been doing for years. But we adjusted into a routine.

ANYWAY, I digress ... the travel part: With the use of the IM messengers that out there -- Yahoo, or MSN for instance -- we got to talk a lot more than we had when he was working at that local job 16 hours a day. And we often got to accompany him on trips in the summer because he could drive there. As a result my kids have been to 24 States, as well as half of Canada. I think the kids saw more of him in that job than when he worked locally. And he was a lot more relaxed because he was happy in his job. (Well, up until the last six months when his company got bought out) It does depend on what you do when you get home, and how much effort is made to stay in touch. Having a laptop to take with you allows you to still 'talk' with them, exchange emails and jokes, etc. I often thinks that I talked to him more when he was away than when he was working in the city.

He's in a new job now, commuting every day to a town an hour away, and the kids haven't noticed the change. (they're now 20 and 14)

Everything is an adjustment, it takes some work to make anything work. It comes down to the effort that is put in, and how happy the job makes you. If you love the job, and you can stay in touch with IM's... that will help. There will be days you won't be able to make that recital, and that'll hurt. But travelling or not, you might not have been able to anyway.

Good luck in your decision.

[inglor]

Thank you all for the input and helping allay my concerns. This really is invaluable and I don't think I could get as much helpful info anywhere else.




Inglor

[Eruanna]

Inglor:

This is only my humble opinion, but spouses of those in the military have it hard. This is the ULTIMATE job requiring travel!

Long tours of duty overseas, sometimes with the chance of becoming a widow/widower...6 months or more in many cases. Sometimes a service member is extended on as suits the needs of the government.

A marriage must be strong, and the spouse left behind must be strong. There is the sad phenomenon of military wives becoming "widows" in their husbands' absences...leaving the opportunity for the unsavoury "cheating" on the spouse in his absence. On the other hand, there is a chance for the man overseas to stray out of temptation.

This is not new. There are songs/poems from the 12th and 13th centuries of Crusaders contemplating going to the Holy Land ("Overseas," or Outremer) and wondering if their wives will find lovers while they are gone. There are also tear-jerking songs of wives left behind who are forced to embrace their beloveds' shirts (the scent of one's hubby is very sexy!!!) when they feel the unbearable loneliness of separation.

I think it is all in the family dynamics and how the family treats the absence. I am a miltary brat as just was made to see it was all in Dad's workday, as it were, to be gone for long periods. He periodically sent me cards and toys, usually dolls from different parts of the world. Once I received a box of exotic shells he had picked up on a foreign beach.

Do what your heart tells you to do, but put family first. No one's job is worth losing one's family over.

They say separtion from loved ones is like wind to a candle: a gust can snuff out a weak candle flame, or it can gust it up into an inferno.

Stay strong, Inglor...

--Eruanna