Animal Magnetism

“But I’ve never seen the girl in my life!” Aragorn protested. How things had taken such an unlikely turn was a wonder to the slender ranger and his elven friend. A brief stop at the inn where they had sought lodging on their last visit through had been met with suspicious stares and knowing looks and it hadn’t been long before a confused Aragorn had been forcibly marched off to the home of a nearby farmer.

“Then just how, lad, do you explain this?” The grim faced farmer standing before him pointed meaningfully at the slightly rounded belly of his daughter and then back at Aragorn. “They don’t end up like this without a bit of…assistance…now do they?” The daughter looked up at Aragorn through tear-streaked eyelashes and once again buried her face in her hands. Before her sobs began anew, Aragorn could have sworn he saw a disconcertingly calculating gleam in her dull blue eyes.

“It was him, father! I swear it! Him and that elf” — she pointed an accusing finger at Aragorn’s golden-haired companion — “they were at the inn all right! I got plenty of witnesses to prove it! No one forgets an elf!” She paused from her accusations long enough to add, “Especially one as pretty as that one.”

“She has a point there.” Legolas gasped as a sharp elbow in the ribs from his dark-haired friend caught him off guard.

“And that one” — pointing at Aragorn again — “he sweet talked me all day, telling me what a comely lass I was and what a fine wife I’d make some happy fellow.” The young ranger’s face registered disbelief. Oh yes, she was comely all right — provided a man had a certain fondness for a woman with glaringly obvious poor hygiene, lank hair, and slightly yellowed teeth. He looked at her again. Oh yes, he’d forgotten the rather plump figure and the decidedly plain features.

The young woman continued. “Aye, all the other girls were saying how pretty the elf was, but me, I took a shine to the ranger. I couldn’t help it.” She looked Aragorn up and down, making him feel somewhat awkwardly as though he was the prize bull at an auction. “He was so tall and handsome, and he set such a nice figure. And his voice fair sent shivers down my spine. Course that weren’t nothing compared to his kisses. They made me…” Mercifully, for Aragorn, the extolling of his virtues and romantic prowess was abruptly halted by a barked command of ‘Enough!’ from her father.

An uncharacteristic snort of barely suppressed laughter from Legolas made the farmer’s jaw tighten and he glared balefully at both Legolas and Aragorn. “Ah, ‘tis just as I expected. Think you’re too good for my Gwyneth, do you?” The muscular farmer raised the pitchfork he carried in one hand and held it up against Aragorn’s chest. “Well, lad, we’ll soon see about that. Because unless you have another witness to deny what my sweet daughter says, you and I’ll be in-laws before the day ends.” Aragorn cringed as the man’s sweet daughter shot him a look of satisfaction similar to that of a barn cat waiting to pounce on a particularly tasty meal.

o-o-O-O-o-o

“Well, this is certainly a fine mess!” Aragorn hissed at Legolas as they were rather ignominiously force-marched back into the little village by the farmer and Aragorn’s apparent bride-to-be. “It’s our word against hers and whose word do you think they’ll believe?”

The farmer jabbed him with the pitchfork. “No need to fret, lad. If you’re telling the truth, it’ll come out and if you’re not, that’ll come out too just as sure as that baby will come out of my daughter in a few months.” Still holding the farm implement in his hand, he waved it toward Legolas and Aragorn and motioned for them to stop. “Best get a wee bit of rest before we go much further.”

Gwyneth laid a reassuring hand on Aragorn’s arm and placed his hand on her stomach. Distraught as he was the heir of Isildur only fleetingly noticed the strange feel of her skin through her loose clothing. “Aye, it’ll be a boy, I think. He’ll be tall and strong and handsome like you.” As she prattled on and the minutes passed, Aragorn found the humor in his situation dissipating rapidly. She was actually serious about this whole thing and he was going to be forced into a marriage that would forever destroy his bond with Arwen.

He tried to reason with her. “Gwyneth — that is your name, right? — Gwyneth, I don’t know how to say this, but even though Legolas and I did stay at the inn all those months ago, I truly do not ever remember meeting you. And I most certainly do not remember ‘sweet talking’ you or kissing you.”

She laid a finger on his mouth and brushed a lock of dark hair back from his handsome face. “Hush. There’s no point in denying it, love. The child is yours and I for one am looking forward to sharing your favors again.” She glanced at Legolas, who was listening to this whole conversation with keen interest. “He’s quite insatiable, you know. Built like a...” Aragorn nearly choked and his face reddened in embarrassment at the farm girl’s blithe mention of certain well endowed farm animals. “Gwyneth, you must not say such things! You are making this all up!” Legolas quirked an amused eyebrow at his friend. “What I mean to say is you’ve never actually seen me…that way,” Aragorn finished lamely. He glared at Legolas as the elf nearly doubled over with laughter.

o-o-O-O-o-o

The little party trudged onward for a few more miles and it was not long before the village where Aragorn and Legolas had stayed several months earlier and again last night, came into view. Aragorn emitted a heavy sigh, convinced that he was walking to his doom and Legolas’ stern countenance at last reflected the gravity of Aragorn’s situation. Surely, there was nothing humorous about this at all!

The dirt road they traveled was rough, pitted with rocks and deeply rutted from the spring rains and the walking was increasingly difficult. Aragorn’s dark mood was only worsened at having Gwyneth hold his hand as they walked along. The young woman turned to say something to him, when suddenly, she stumbled into a deep rut and Aragorn gracelessly fell on top of her. Still, despite the baseless accusations she had made, his first thought was that of the child she carried and he hastily scrambled off of her and putting an arm around her waist, tried to help her to her feet.

It was only then that he noticed something very peculiar and looking quizzically at both the girl’s father and at Legolas, he saw at once that they too had noticed. Amazingly, Gwyneth’s belly was no longer rounded but a rather…odd — under the circumstances — flattish shape. She gasped and clutched at her stomach, and a look of horror crossed her face and she quickly turned around.

Legolas reached over to her. “I think if you’re wanting to readjust the shape of your belly, you’d best move the pillow that way.” The elf’s wry suggestion was met with a most unladylike curse and the girl batted his hands away.

“Get your bloomin’ hands off me!” It was at this most inopportune moment that the soft pillow she had carelessly strapped to the inside of her clothing fell to the ground. Aragorn’s eyes widened in surprise and a look of incredulity lit up his face.

“You tried to trick me! But why? I’ve never even seen you before!”

The girl glared at all three males, sparing her father no warmth. “Aye, but you did see me.” She shook her head cheerlessly. “But even though I waited on you all day, bringing you food and drink, not once did you notice me. I might as well have been invisible. But the other girls were tittering over you and the elf so, that I told them that you’d gotten me alone and had your way with me.” A frown crossed her face. “None of ‘em believed me, though I don’t know why…but then I told them you’d gotten me with child.” She smiled brightly. “I never thought I’d see you again and no one would have been the wiser. I mean, there weren’t no baby, really, so’s I could have had a ‘problem’ that would have taken care of that.” Aragorn’s jaw had dropped open at the girl’s brazen confession and Legolas was hard put to stifle his laughter at the man’s expression. “But when one of the girls came running to me last night saying that you were at the inn…why I thought maybe we could really make a go of it.”

Gwyneth’s father stared at her, bug-eyed with disbelief and the two young friends reluctantly but chivalrously stepped in front of her lest her father do her bodily harm. Gwyneth gave a little gasp of fright and suddenly bolted back in the direction from which they had come. As she ran screaming across the field, her pitchfork-wielding father not far behind, Aragorn turned to Legolas.

“Aye, that was close. May we never pass through this wretched village again.” He shuddered at his narrow escape. Clasping Aragorn’s shoulder, the golden-haired prince vowed, “For certain, we’ll never come through here again.”

An amused look crossed his face and for a long moment he stared searchingly at his human friend. “No, in fact I think it would be best if we avoided all villages for a while.” He gave Aragorn a wide-eyed look of innocence. “Really, Aragorn, it would be almost criminal to expose any more village girls to such…animal…magnetism.”

Aragorn winced at the innuendo and then smiled despite himself. There were worse things to live down than that he supposed.

The End