One day in English class

Okay, so maybe I could handle this. Riding a horse, meeting a elf after falling out of the sky; a day in the life of Max. I was sitting behind the saddle, an arm hooked around Legolas’s waist so I didn’t fall and get trampled to bits under the horses hooves. Okay, fine, I was clinging for dear life to Legolas; my teeth clenched. I really had never given much Britt much credit for the horse back riding thing. This horse back riding thing was way harder than it looked.
“We are passing out of my realm and into the Wilder lands.” He said turning to look at me with those stunning blue eyes. “We are a league or so from Old ford.”
“Uh….yeah….cool…” Whatever that meant. “Where are we going again?”
“Rivendell, the last homely house; west of the Misty Mountains.” There was a pause as I watched him with a blank look on my face..
“Right…..so mountains?” Legolas gave me another look and raised an eyebrow. The look people give you when you ask a really stupid question. “Yes, Mountains. Or rather, a mountain range.” He said.
Alright, a mountain range. Gee, that really explained a lot. I wracked my brains for anything with the words ‘range’. The tune for ‘Home on the Range’ instantly popped into my head. I groaned and tried to remember basic Geography. Nope. Nothing. Zilch.

~*~
“So…you’re a whasit?” I asked rubbing my head where I’d smacked it on the rafters for the forty second time.
“A hobbit.” Frodo pointed to himself and then to his feet, looking a little annoyed. Call me slow, but I was still trying to digest the loss of cable television and popcorn.
“So, you’re a hobbit and your name is Frodo. Got it. I’m Erik, a human.” The guy was still looking at me like I belonged in a place with padded walls and a tight fitting straight jacket.
“Yes, you told me that….”
“Sorry, dude. I’m just making sure.” A touched the tip of my ears, my hair. I was normal, completely normal. I went to stand up and hit my head, swearing like a sailor.
“Fuck!!” I snarled, and kicked wall. I howled in pain and grabbed my right foot, my eyes watering. I sat down in the little living room and watched Frodo rubbing his temples like he had a migraine.
“Stay here. I have errands I have to run.” He went to open the little circular door, but I grabbed his shoulder.
“Man, my mom is the only one who ever grounds me. Got that?”
“Fine.” He sighed. “Are you hungry?”
“Starving, got any Yodels?” I asked as we walked out into the sunlit path. Frodo stared at me with his little blue eyes, giving me a hopeless look. “Little Debbie?” I prompted. “Creamy, chocolaty, full of saturated fat?”
“No.” He said stiffly and walked ahead, trying to distance himself from me
“Granola? Brownies?”
“No.”
“Bread?” I tried, thinking of the most simple food possible.
“Yes, and beer. Vegetables, straw berries and cream; good food.”
“Yes! Score!” I punched the air with a fist. “Bring on the cream!”
I thought I saw a smile sneak across Frodo’s face as we walked down to the road.

~*~

“We mean you know harm….” Faramir started, he looked a little guilty as about six guys tried to hold me down. I was screaming bloody murder as they flipped me on my stomach, tying my wrists behind my back. I kicked one of them in the face, blood poured from his nose and he swore. I was using every swear word known to man, stringing them together in a catchy tune. “Stay still!” Faramir said firmly, tone worried but adamant.
“Bite me!” I shouted at him and kicked another guy in the face. Suddenly, he kneeled beside me and touched my forehead. I fought off drowsiness still swearing like loudly. A voice……..someone telling me to sleep………I kicked weakly.
“No…gerroff….” I moaned and fell asleep.