Never Realizing

Chapter 1: Never Knowing

“Elfaer, I need to speak with you a moment,” Virana said with a quiet and knowing smile that was incredibly like her. Elfaer smiled in return and reached out to take her hand, feeling its softness and loving the way that it fit in his own. The time that they had spent together had been blissful, truly the best of his life. Even when they said nothing to each other, Elfaer felt like their silence spoke volumes about how comfortable and perfect they were. After a moment, when she didn’t speak any more, Elfaer squeezed her hand and that spurred her to speak again. “Elfaer, please don’t make this harder for me.”

What?

Elfaer stopped walking when he suddenly realized what was occurring. He had sensed that something was wrong recently. While they spent every moment of their days together – and many moments of their nights – Elfaer feared that Virana was not as happy as she was before. He feared that it would be the end of his own blissful days with her. He felt Virana try and tug her hand out of his, but he held fast. He did not want to let it go… did not want to let her go. He stared at her with open eyes and a pain rapidly blossoming in his soul. What had gone wrong?

“Elfaer, this isn’t working for me,” Virana said, her eyes downcast and her body turned away from his. She knew how much this break-up would hurt Elfaer.

“Why?” Elfaer spoke quietly. He did not know if he wanted to know why… but he felt as if he was being torn in two, ripped asunder and the pieces tossed out into the wind.

“I think you know why,” Virana said, her voice steadying but not gaining in confidence. She spoke carefully, knowing that whatever she said would most probably hurt more than she wanted to hurt this sweet elf. “I never know what you are thinking. I do not know who you are, Elfaer. You are kind and you are gentle and you are a careful lover… but all these are actions, they are not you. I do not think I can carry on never knowing how you feel… not anymore.”

“Virana, I-” Elfaer tried to say, but Virana stopped him again before he could speak any more.

“Elfaer, we have had our time. I… must go now.”

He let go of her hand and watched her walk away, feeling as if his heart would drop from his body where he stood. He hadn’t even had a chance to tell her how he felt.

Elfaer did not leave his talan for many days, such was his sorrow. He holed himself up in his room and stared at the ceiling, at the leaves, at whatever caught his attention and held it for long enough.

He could not believe that he had not seen it coming.

He rolled over and recalled the day that Virana had caught his eye. They had been at a gathering around a bonfire, similar to the forest circles that occurred in the Greenwood on the other shore. Virana had been dancing, her hair free and her skirt swishing around her body, tantalizing like a vine twirling and snaking around a twig. She had spotted Elfaer’s stare and dragged him into the primal dance.

The dance had led to a kiss, which had led to one magnificent night under the stars with his new lover.

They had coupled well, and Virana had a very earthy and primal feeling about her that spurred his desire for her even further. Elfaer had found himself smitten from the start, helpless to fight the pull towards her.

He smiled now, but it was bitter.

They had been lovers for only a few months. Elfaer had felt content… happier than he had in years. He was not a solemn person, but he did feel lonely. Being with Virana had made him feel like he belonged to someone, and they both belonged to the world.

What did he belong to now?

“Elfaer! You cad! Come and let down the ladder.”

Ah yes… Family.

“No,” Elfaer said, rolling over in his bed and burying his face into his pillow.

“If you do not, I will climb up!”

‘She would,’ he thought bitterly. Elfaer ignored his sister’s voice and tried to drown himself in his miserable thoughts. He did not want to see anyone today, though it soon became clear that he could not avoid Anaria. She was young and stubborn and… climbing through the window.

“Brother, dear. Stop being so antisocial,” Ana said walking over to his bed and pushing him off onto the floor. Ana seemed to combine warm, considerate qualities (reminiscent of his mother) with annoying-little-sister traits (reminiscent of his father…).

“Ana!” he exclaimed with a grunt.

“You have locked yourself in here for nearly eight days. You need to get out of here.” Elfaer responded with a foul glare. “Don’t give me that,” she said rolling her eyes. She walked to his wardrobe and selected fresh clothes for him. She stalked over and said, “Change.”

“No.”

“You will change into fresh clothes or I will strip you and dress you myself,” Ana warned. Elfaer sighed and held out his hands. Ana shoved the clothes into his hands and walked out of the room to give him the privacy he wanted, though as an elf and not as body-conscious as humans, did not necessarily need.

He stared at the clothes in his arms and grudgingly admitted to himself that Ana was right. He needed to forget Virana. He pulled on the clothes and stepped out into the other room, where Ana was straightening things.

“Where are you dragging me?” Elfaer asked with a grimace.

“To Mother and Father’s house,” Ana replied, up righting books on his bookshelf.

“Ana, please,” he begged. He was not sure he could deal with his mother’s inquisitiveness. She would weasel everything out of him.

“If you dare walk back into your room, I will drag you behind my horse,” Ana said, turning and climbing down the ladder.

Elfaer sighed and steeled himself to a night full of questions and followed her down the ladder.