Reviews by Anni

A Singular Honour · Tue Sep 11, 2007 1:15 am

RilleElen said
Very well done. Is this a WIP?

Hi and thanks for your review. Yes it is a work in progress although there are 35 chapters published on ff.net. It's turning out to be a larger work than I envisaged at first and I took a huge break in the middle of writing it. My muse has since returned so I started again.

Suil Vain (Fair Winds) · Sat Aug 04, 2007 6:40 pm

What a lovely story, my two favourite subjects in one tale. You have cheered up a night of illness and made the world a lighter place with your writing.

That Which Will Never Return · Sun Feb 20, 2005 9:27 pm

Now I enjoyed this story. You have the characterisations of Elladan and Elrohir off pat. They are sensitively and well written, as is the character of Erestor. As far as the storyline is concerned the slow degrading of the Elven Realms back into nature and the distress of the land is both atmospheric and palpable. I could almost feel myself wanting to curse the Elves for leaving something in distress and because of that feeling I could understand the twins reluctance to leave. No they may not feel the pull of the sea, but right now is not the time for them to go. They have the feeling that all people feel when they watch everyone they know go away and they themselves have to remain behind. There is a bereft, grieving process going on. However they both know, deep inside, that it isn't the right time to go. The land needs them, Aragorn and Arwen need them, the Elves that do remain need them.

I think that it's right not to end on a hanging note. An epilogue sounds good. Perhaps you could approach from the moment of their final choice, maybe as they watch the shores of Middle-earth recede into the distance and find themselves having to face a new challenge in a land they have never seen. Maybe it needs to be ended from the POV of those on Middle-earth no longer needing their presence. The secondborn have moved on and come into their own. The twin's time has finally come, and they also need to depart and move on. The leaving would be bittersweet and poignant, filled with regrets for what they have left behind, yet also filled with excitement of a new place and reunion with their family and friends.

It's probably been written many times before, but with your writing I feel you could truly do it justice.

Rebirth · Fri Feb 18, 2005 5:47 am

As an earlier reviewer suggested, the Valar would not have had Thranduil's wife reborn into Middle-earth. The Firstborn weren't generally allowed to return to ME once they had left Mandos. Glorfindel appeared to have been allowed this leeway, but there are still arguments as to whether Glorfindel of Gondolin, the Balrog Slayer and Glorfindel of Imladris were intended by Tolkien to be the same elf. However since Glorfindel was a great and ancient Elven warrior, it is feasible that he would have been allowed back to help Gil-galad and the Elves left in ME in the battle to come. I doubt, however, that Thranduils' wife, whose only apparent achievement in life was to marry him and give birth to Legolas, would have been given the same grace when many of the ancient Elven warriors who would have been of more use to ME (like Ecthelion of Gondolin for example who brought down Gothmog in the fountain and drowned with the Balrog) were *not* given that grace. Is you story AU by any chance? Even so, there is very little chance that Thranduil's wife would have reappeared in Mirkwood, just dropped there naked by the Valar. The Valar were sometimes thoughtless and made some awful mistakes (they weren't gods and therefore were fallible) but I doubt very much that they would take one of their beloved Firstborn and drop her unprotected in the midst of still dangerous territory. The Orcs still roamed in groups, even after the Ring was unmade in Mount Doom. It's a nice fluffy idea to bring handsome Thranduil, Legolas and the mother together as a family, but I personally think it would have been better to bring her back to life when Thranduil and Legolas were both safely back in Valinor. The very same atmospheric descriptions could have been used and for me it would have made more sense. Unless she's been brought back to Middle-earth for a special reason of course, but then what help could she possibly be? She's been out of touch with reality in Mandos for possible millennia and knows nothing of Middle-earth and it's troubles. Having said all of this I agree with others that your piece is indeed atmospheric and well written, although once again I find that yet another LOTR fanfic author spatters the dialogue with odd Elvish phrases which just detract from the story. I realise that it's popular among LOTR fanfic authors to do this and it's supposed to be a sign that the author has at least done some research, but it's unecessary. We the readers can readily assume that it would be one of the Elvish dialects that two Elves would speak to each other.

Funny...This Doesn't Look Like Vegas... · Wed Feb 16, 2005 6:06 am

Although I usually have difficulties with the 'falling into ME' approach, I have to admit that yours is rather novel. You provide a believable means of sending Alice into a dimension which is patently not her own and definitely not Las Vegas. You, inadvertently and amusingly, poke a little fun at the online travel business (I say inadvertently because you may not have intended to do that and not everyone will read it like that). The atmosphere, the behaviour of the twins when they meet her and their way of talking and the problems a modern woman would encounter are well thought out and even though I can't exactly see where the plot is going, the premise is interesting enough to make me curious.

I like the way you have portrayed Elladan and Elrohir and the fact that they would be as confused as she was. However, I'm not so sure that Elrond, Erestor and Glorfindel would be as tetchy as you've made them. They might be curious as to what such a strange female is doing in the woods of Imladris, but they wouldn't feel threatened by her in any way. Elrond and Glorfindel are Elf Lords, they have survived thousands of years and many real threats - too many to be that concerned about Alice's appearance. I feel that they would be guarded and curious, but not accusatory. That having been said, you have at least kept all of the Elves well within the boundaries of what Tolkien would have wanted them to be. You have, interestingly enough, done something many LOTR fanfiction authors don't manage, and that is to show the Elves' mischievous side without them devolving into a bunch of ridiculous modern pranksters.

I feel you may want to watch your attribution of titles to the Elves. Although in the movie Aragorn refers to Elrond as 'My Lord Elrond' in the Dunharrow tent scene, in fact if I recall correctly Tolkien never referred to him as 'Lord' anything. He was referred to as 'Master Elrond'. Tolkien referred to Elrohir and Elladan as the 'Sons of Elrond' and inferred that they were as fair as Elven Lords. Although Elrond had the rights of succession after Gil-Galad's death to the title High King of the Noldor, he never took the title. He was never King in any way and his sons are therefore not princes. Even Legolas who was the son of an Elven King was not referred to as a prince and you could argue that he had every right to expect it.

The other thing you may want to think about, although the story is interesting enough to make it a minor point, is the fact that poor Alice would not have spoken in heavily accented Westron. Westron was actually nothing like English. She would have found it impossible to make herself understood in English without exaggerated sign language and would not have understood anything the Elves said to her. I fully realise that for the purposes of story flow you have used poetic licence, but it might have been fun if the language barrier had caused as many problems as Alice's inability to cope with the lack of plumbing and cell phones, the strange clothing and the archaic behaviour of her hosts. I have only ever seen one story like that and much to my dismay I have not been able to find it again. However the notion of neither side understanding and the misunderstandings that would have come from this could have made for a good and very funny fanfic which would have still stayed within canon and owed nothing to modern humour being translated into a medieval world, that being the way LOTR and many other fandom writers make their stories amusing.

The other thing is that normally I personally feel the use of Elvish in a fic is unnecessary. As I pointed out to another author on this archive, the majority of readers know that the Elves spoke their own language and that there were many other languages spoken in ME. We would naturally assume that when talking amongst themselves, they would speak their own language, therefore the spattering of Elvish phrases is redundant, except in the first instance when they try to communicate with Alice. Far better to let the reader just assume that Elves are speaking Sindarin or Quenyan or whatever dialect they use. The use of occasional Elvish phrases merely detracts from the story and directs the reader's attention away from the plot and the developing characters.

These are just suggestions. I feel that even AU works should always show respect for Tolkien's original creation. I can't fault your grammar, the character who I rather liked, spelling, atmosphere and respect for the original work. I await with interest to see where you take this to next.

Meet the Cast · Mon Feb 14, 2005 6:09 am

Firstly Suzanne, it's always good when someone uses their imagination to be creative. You should keep your writing up because you show real promise and ability.

However, there are a number of aspects of your story which could cause problems with many readers. I am a soon to be published author of original fiction so I hope you won't take badly to anything I say because it's meant as sincere and hopefully constructive criticism.

Firstly, I agree with SpaceWeavil about making Thranduil objectionable. There is absolutely nothing in canon which backs this theory up. Yes, he was grouchy in The Hobbit about the dwarves invading his territory, but there is nothing in Tolkien's writing which indicates that he would have turned away two young girls and dumped them outside his borders without protection or healing of some kind. He may have interrogated them, but the Elves were rather incandescent, yet fierce and terrible warriors - otherwordly you might say even - they were not unnecessarily cruel, unless of course you were an Orc or a servant of Sauron. Even then they didn't capture and torture. They killed because it was necessary. Thranduil would have been an astute, intelligent, strong and wise leader. He had to take over ruling his realm after Oropher died at the Last Alliance, therefore he was ancient and an experienced warrior and ruler. He wasn't a despot.

Secondly, if I were you I would avoid the usual pitfalls of trying to use scraps of the Elven language to illustrate that you have read the many websites that give every day phrases in Sindarin/Quenyan etc. All this does is detract from the actual writing, character development and plot. It goes without saying that the readers who come onto this website *know* that Legolas and company are Elves and would speak Elvish. Far rather use English, to any intelligent reader this will infer that the conversation between the Middle-earth people is being spoken in the language of the time. The Elves wouldn't have spoken Westron with a spattering of Elvish phrases to each other, they would have spoken their own language. Aragorn would have spoken both Westron and Elvish, Boromir would have spoken a version of Gondorian Westron or even the language of Gondor, Theoden, Eomer and Eowyn would have spoken Gondorian Westron, possibly the language of Gondor with whom they had ancient links and primarily Rohirric.

Two girls from our century would *not* be able to make themselves understood speaking modern English. Westron wasn't like English and any odd Elvish phrases picked up from a modern website wouldn't include the variances and nuances of the colloquial Elvish language (or any language for that matter). Anything your two young characters said would be unintelligible and incomprehensible to Legolas, Aragorn and anyone else in Middle-earth to say the least. The language barrier would be hideous and enormous. Now Gandalf might be a different story, especially if it was the Valar who had somehow transported the girls for some unknown reason. Then it's just possible that Manwe may have imbued Gandalf with the ability to understand the modern English language in order to facilitate things.

We also *know* that the two girls falling into Middle-earth scenario is fraught with problems, like the vastly different way of life (no malls, no formal schooling, no fast food joints, no decent plumbing, the food would be very different, no make up, the music would seem archaic to a modern girl).

Thirdly, the falling into ME scenario brings us to the 10th/11th/12th Walker syndrome. It is highly unlikely that the girls would be invited to Elrond's council to discuss the finding and disposal of the One Ring. Even Arwen Undomiel didn't attend this. It *is* highly likely however that both Elrond, and Thranduil before him, would be very suspicious of two strangers turning up at that particular stage in the events of the battle for Middle-earth. They certainly wouldn't have given the two girls carte blanche to wander around Imladris or attend a secret council which was to deal with matters of the security of the realm. That would be like the President of the US inviting you and your friend along to a meeting of the Chiefs of Staff to discuss the Iraq situation. However, Elrond would, most definitely, after questioning both girls, hold a meeting with Gandalf, his senior advisers, Galdor (Cirdan's representative from the Grey Havens), Aragorn and Legolas (being Thranduil's representative) as to what should be done with them. He may even have included Boromir who, as his father's representative and a mortal human, would have been the logical choice in advising as to what should be done with them.

Be very, very careful of the 12th Walker syndrome. It may sound like fun to write and give endless opportunities for romance with the character of the author's choice, but it doesn't sit well with canon. Fanfic writers live a spurious existence which is based on the continuing goodwill of the owners of the copyright of the work they are copying/transforming/deriving from - in the case of LOTR this is the Tolkien Estates. The estates allow these derivative works but hope that the fanfic writer will, above all, be respectful to the original premise. This means NO character mangling, NO changing of events (i.e. 12th Walker, because this would change the dynamics of the story beyond recognition) and no inappropriate plot suggestions or misuse of the original premise.

Many fanfic writers believe that because it's only fanfiction, they can write whatever they please. That is *their* perception, but not reality. The reality is that LOTR and the characters and plotline therein legally belong to someone else, but this doesn't mean that as long as you put a disclaimer up no one can object to anything. They can, and will, if they believe that the original work has been damaged, take legal action against a fanfic writer. This includes 'Cease and Desist' letters from a lawyer or a lawsuit which, if found against the fanfic writer, could involve the payment of damages.

Meaning of names: Again be careful how you name the original characters. Legolas Greenleaf is not the correct way to name him. Legolas does, in fact, mean Greenleaf, therefore you are calling him Legolas Legolas when in fact he is Legolas, son of Thranduil, or Legolas Thranduilion (ion=son). Gandalf was known as Mithrandir to the Elves and although they might have used the form Gandalf, it's more likely they would have been formal with his name usage. He would have been Gandalf to the hobbits and most of the secondborn, Mithrandir to the Elves and Saruman would have more likely called him Olorin, since that was his Maiar name and they were both Maia.

Blond/blonde - The aetiology of the word is derived from Old French 'blont' , Medieval Latin 'blundus' or the Germanic 'blund' meaning yellow or blend (mix), however be aware that in the modern idiom a woman is blonde, but a man is blond. This is how most people will read it. E.g. Legolas is blond; 'Sarah-Jane' is blonde.

Just as a broad comment, neither Thranduil, Gandalf or Elrond would not have known what to do with a duo of giggling modern teenagers. Even had they understood what the girls were saying in the broad sense of language, they would have certainly *not* have understood the modern slang idiom or modern casual behaviour. Their own speech would have sounded very formal compared to ours. They would not have used short cuts like 'wouldn't', 'couldn't', 'won't' or 'don't'. Many of the things young people do today would have shocked the Elves and men of Middle-earth to the core.

Be careful of spelling/grammatical/language errors. You have Thranduil speaking of his 'boarders'. This could cause a great deal of hilarity with a reader. Thranduil took in paying guests? Very Happy smiley face

The word is 'borders' which means a line which indicates a boundary between two regions/areas/places.

My advice would be to re-develop your story along the lines of not just two girls falling into Middle-earth in order to satisfy an authorial fantasy. Give them a real reason for being there, not just 'coo, here I am in ME and it's a vessel for me to have a cool virtual romance with a hot guy'. Of course giving a valid reason for them being there could be dangerous if you take it along the lines of 'the girls have special powers/knowledge' situation development.

Self-insertion is not a crime, although many fanfic readers believe it is. *How* the self-insertion is done is the crux of the issue. If it is believable and doesn't interfere or mangle the original concept, if it is sensitively and intelligently dealt with and doesn't just devolve into a vessel for 'hot sex and romance with Elves' (who wouldn't have done that anyway, since they only ever took one partner and that was for life), if the girls' story and fate is done as a plotline which runs parallel to the real Fellowship and the fate of Middle-earth, then you might have a good story.

Above all, try not to think that because it's 'just fanfic' it's harmless fun and anything goes. Even harmless fun should be well thought out and thoughtfully written. Fanfic is a valid modern means of propagating myth, stories and legend, it deserves better than to be treated as 'oh, it's only fanfiction so it doesn't matter'. It does and should matter how well something is done and if someone isn't going to do it well, then they shouldn't do it at all.

Your basic writing is not half bad and you should continue, not just because it's fun to do, but because writing fanfics is a good way of developing writing skills. Just be careful how you do it. Read the work of others, visit review sites to see what kind of things they hate, even if the review site seems picky, abusive or downright nasty. From these you will glean some idea of what is and is not considered acceptable in the Fanfiction world. Your friends might come on and say you are the best writer in the world, but the internet provides a much broader canvas and there are people out there who are going to tell you it exactly like it is. And they won't be as kind as your friends or even I am.

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Reviews by Anni