Reviews by Viv

Part Two - The Taking of Vanelossë · Sat Mar 19, 2005 11:24 pm

All right, just finished, and now am all sniffly. How utterly sweet! And how bizarre that I am saying that about *this* story! What a wild ride of emotions from beginning to end. But you saved them the only way I think it could have been done: by reminding them how much they needed each other and how much the kids needed them both. The moment in the second-to-last chapter when Vanelosse recognizes that her family were what saved her spiritually ... well, that was the crux of it as far as I was concerned. Congrats on finishing, Al. Smile smiley face

Daeron's Lament · Sat Mar 19, 2005 9:24 pm

I love it that he regrets telling Papa Elu, not because of all the tragic stuff that followed but because the forbidden-ness of Beren encouraged Luthien that way. lol. Clever, you.

Grey Havens · Sat Mar 19, 2005 4:41 am

Ereinion is a silvertongued devil. And oh, I *like* him. Poor Cirdan, tho!

Grey Havens · Wed Mar 16, 2005 12:24 pm

SpaceWeavil said
> To put it in literary terms, crap. That's what happens when you go back to old stories and try to beta them when you're tired, having altered bits of plot. Thanks for pointing that out. It's a typo in the second chapter, which I have fixed. (the 'oops' smiley isn't working for some reason.) Hopefully my stupidity won't put anyone off reading? Confused smiley face

Durn it, I was gonna go back and adjust my review so future readers wouldn't even know that typo existed. Smile smiley face

I see you've smoothed that out in the story. And have promised me Ereinion (sp?!) goodness later on. I am satisfied.

Signed,
yer adoring fan

Grey Havens · Tue Mar 15, 2005 5:22 pm

In Chapter 2, you say that Elinel is Bellarato's sister. In Chapter 3, you introduce Silanel, Bellarato's wife ... who then turns out to be Elinel's mother. Is *that* how things are done in their family? (I'm guessing it's just a typo, but maybe not.) How clever of you to bring the setting in so strongly, almost as though it is another character. I can almost smell sea air. Is the setting going to be important in later plot points? Or is it metaphorical? And, oh my ... Ereinion is one smooth operator.

Looking Back · Tue Mar 15, 2005 1:35 pm

This line was utterly poetic: "Dare I hope that a better son may forgive a bitter father?" Strong, wrenching peek into the soul of Denethor.

Grey Havens · Sun Mar 13, 2005 10:48 pm

This is delightful! I love the soft, careful shifts from first-person to third. You can cover a lot of ground (time-wise) that way, without the story feeling rushed. And considering how long elven tales can take, this might turn out to be brilliant. Also, it's incredibly satisfying to see Cirdan caught in a crush. hee.

For the Life that never was · Fri Mar 11, 2005 12:21 pm

The soft, wispy narrative voice, I think, is appropriate for a wood elf, a friend of the forest. I also liked how she talks with the trees and sometimes, for entertainment, ventures close enough to hear the chatter of humans. This rings true, characterizing her as both indelibly elven but also sort of a loner, separate from her people. "I turned and saw my brother looking down at me with concern." ... Is this a flashback? But I thought at the beginning, she said she had no memory of her siblings. Is this the "brother" who gave her the knives, the one who passed over the sea a long time ago?

"'They call me Elenna.' she said" ... OH! I get it now: the "I" in the second scene is not Elenna at all, but rather ... Haldir, maybe? It would clarify things to name him right away when the scene starts, I think.

Also, I think "paranoid" is a somehwat modern term. Perhaps "nervous" or "overly watchful"? I saw your note in the forum, so I'm confident that your beta will help iron out some of the verb tense stuff. But the piece itself is developing nicely. You have evoked a very clear elven feeling. I really like this story so far.

Purity · Thu Mar 10, 2005 4:46 pm

"There are those out there who will skip over this and just head to the fic. "

Impossible, since there isn't anything fictional posted, just that lengthy note to potential readers. Wink smiley face

If you read the site guidlines (always a good thing), you'll see that flaming is against the rules. If you do post fiction and someone flames it, please report it to the admins.

Finally, fanfiction is supposed to be fun. If you've experienced something so negative that you feel compelled to admonish readers before you even *get* them, I'm really sorry. I know the ficworld can be a harsh place sometimes. But OSA just isn't like the rest of the ficworld. You can take the armour off now; you're among peers, and we don't believe in heckling each other.

Does She or Doesn't She? · Wed Mar 09, 2005 4:20 pm

Your focus on beauty and music is so appropriate for elven sensibilities, and the multisensory (visual = white dress and golden hair; tactile = caress of her hair; aural = "song in her heart") barrage of the opening paragraph starts this theme off nicely. In fact, with the light, sweet word choices you started off with, "nation" jarred me a bit. Maybe "people" or even "kind" would work better? The narrative choice to write in present-tense works, I think. There are some awkward verb-tense moments (using past-perfect when regular old past-tense is all that's needed), but I think a grammar-minded beta could fix that up in a jiffy. Did you answer that question "Does she or doesn’t she?" at the end? I'm assuming, based on the little epilogue, that she does. Nice Valinorean moment.

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Reviews by Viv