Reviews by Viv

Pitfalls of the Palantir · Wed Dec 29, 2004 10:09 pm

"Inglor," she said calmly, "Look up there."

Bwahaha! And the POV character in chapter 1 was a fabulous way to introduce the quirky, creature-ful feel of the piece. Love it!

On a way side note, you might want to remove some of those thank-you notes from the summary. Just the one-liner is enough to hook readers. The rest of it might be better placed in an AN before the first chapter. Smile smiley face

Rider of the Mark · Wed Dec 29, 2004 10:00 pm

I suppose you've noticed that the intro scene for Chapter 4 has the rhythm of a horseback ride, if you read it out loud? Lady, that's art.

If I were to pick a nit in this chapter, it would be this POV switch: "Had anyone walked up on Rider and Horse, they would have wondered why the Man shook his head as if to fling water from the roots of his hair." Up till then, and through the rest of the scene, we're all inside Gamling's adorable, discombobulated, hairy head. Next scene has POV switches, but they're fairly consistent. Only this one in the first scene was a little surprising.

Loved the room-cleansing scene. I can imagine how it must have looked to Gamling: odd but kind of endearing, summed up beautifully: "funny strange little witch."

And this line cracked me up: ""I have a horse. I have all I need."" Indeed! Gamling, you've much to learn of women's magic!

Rider of the Mark · Wed Dec 29, 2004 8:20 pm

ZeeDrippyVessel said
> > You know, this would probably be a fabulous forum topic: Where does the reviewer's job end? or Begin? hmmmmmmmm!

---

It probably would. But I see you have a chapter 4 up, and I'd rather read that. Wink smiley face

I'm awed and inspired by your comment about the multi-notebook outline for EV, by the way. I can't outline fiction to save my life, and all my plots suffer for it.

Hunting Lessons · Wed Dec 22, 2004 3:50 pm

There are a few dangles, like "Small for his age, particularly for one of the line of Númenor, the dagger hung...," but nothing a grammar-minded beta couldn't fix in a snap. In the opening sequence, are the two principal characters Boromir and Faramir? I assumed so, based on clues, but it couldn't hurt to mention names. Makes reading a little easier. Smile smiley face

The interaction between them, and the care Boromir both thinks and shows for his little brother is very touching. Be on the lookout for pronoun confusion (which could be helped by inserting names here and there). For instance, I had to read this sentence twice to make sure I knew who was who: "The big one, the leader, the most dangerous- he was his." The details struck me as particularly well-thought-out, as in "the blade’s sheen dulled with acid so as not to betray him by either sunlight or moonlight." Nice, and how gutsy of youto write the action from the Southron's point-of-view. Interesting and fresh. I'm confused by this, though: "Orc by day, men by night- the rangers knew well how to hunt their prey." Are they shapeshifters? Or do you mean that the rangers hunt orcs by day and men by night? Despite my confusion in some parts (which could just be my lack of caffeine showing!), I thought the language was artful and the story itself intriguing so far.

Desk Job · Wed Dec 22, 2004 3:36 pm

Jono the hobbit confectioner is a very intriguing character, even though he is only mentioned in passing. A Took, perhaps? He seems awfully adventurous for a hobbit, or were hobbits more adventury way-back-when? Still, I can imagine a hobbit liking his sweets! I'm assuming that the point-of-view character is Elrond, since he makes an observation about his sons, but it couldn't hurt to mention his name earlier in the piece. Now, about that smut.... *yum*. I'll never look at Elrond the same way again! And Celebrian, what a little tart! May I bribe you for more of these little gems?

Parallels · Wed Dec 22, 2004 3:16 pm

Weee! I'm an avid SG-1 watcher, though I've never felt confident enough to write SG-1 fic, so it's a thrill to read a cross of the two fandoms. The interplay between Daniel and Jack was amusingly in-character. Poor Jack: it takes him a while to get the more technical concepts, doesn't it? (Though I think he feigns ignorance sometimes.) I'll confess I'm not a big fan of adverbs, but this opening bit hooked me instantly: "Daniel Jackson sneezed explosively". It instantly sets the tone for the rest of the piece (so far). And thank you for explaining why it was so easy to remove the arrow. That gave a bit of extra realism to the scene. Granted I don't know much abotu first-aid, but would Maj. Carter have slapped some antiseptic like alcohol on that wound before she wrapped it up? I'm putting this story on my watch list and looking forward to updates! Thanks for posting it here. Smile smiley face

Child of the Dawn · Tue Dec 21, 2004 10:38 am

"Why write in Elvish when both speak the same language?" ... YES! Very wise, and a great decision in terms of making the story accessible to your audience. (If I had a nit to pick, it would be to do the same with the mannish tongue. That was the only scene that had me scratching my head.) I enjoyed the rich sensory texture of your descriptions: "Hot sand spilled from above as the humans and their horses flew over above her." Action scenes were easy to see in my mind's eye. The flashback scene was also deftly done. I followed the time shifts easily, without getting lost. This story is very promising. I've often wondered about those *other* elves, the ones Tolkien pretty much ignored. Wink smiley face

Here We Go · Mon Dec 20, 2004 5:41 pm

For a first fic, this is really good! I'm so glad that you perservered and got it all down. Yay, you! And you made it intriguing, too, which is the hard part. I thought your desription of the caves in Mirkwood was very nice, so different from the non-canon weirdness I see often in fic (like Thranduil living in a "castle" with "balconys" and stuff!). It's clear that you've read the books and thought about your settings, which makes fans of the book (like me) really happy. Like Spaceweavil, I also was impressed by the empathic link between the elves and the trees. Nice touch, that.

I don't want to clutter your review page, so I've sent you some editorial suggestions privately. Good luck with this fic!

Rider of the Mark · Mon Dec 20, 2004 4:27 pm

ZeeDrippyVessel said
> Now see, here is where I draw the line. If one continues to go back and rewrite because someone suggested it, a fic would NEVER be done. I would still be on the 5th chapter of Empty Vessel! It is impossible to please everyone all the time. And in the end, it's the AUTHOR'S story!

---

In this case, the format of Chapter 1, while well-done, was confusing to me (which, as I take it, is a good thing? Odd, but I'll take your word for it and keep reading. Wink smiley face

)

I thought the narrative picked up in Chapter 2, and I got a much better sense of what was going on. I dig this story.

Edit: I had a bit in there about how disheartening it is for a reviewer to hear that her feedback is for shit. But that was just whiny. If I don't feel appreciated, I can just stop reviewing, right? Not that I ever will, but... anyway. Just ignore me. From Chapter 2 on, I'm hooked. Good stuff.

Broken Hearts · Thu Dec 16, 2004 9:59 pm

Your writing style is superb. I mean it; I was right there in Tari's head through the whole thing. Verb usage, sentence structure, pacing, and dialogue: all stellar. Only problem: this isn't Tolkien's world. The whole piece is full of modernisms and oddities that the AU label just doens't fix. I buy that elves, as they linger in Middle-earth, are overtaken by shadow and act bizarre. I'd buy it a little more if the time were later, like several centuries later, but even so, the Legolas-gone-evil angle doesn't disturb me nearly so much as the flat-out anti-Tolkien parts of this story. For instance, there is no city in Mirkwood, nor bathrooms in elven households. I suspect if anyone had asked Tolkien, he would have said that elven maids do not wear pants or lace panties. They probably also don't say things like "Get the hell out of my room." Please understand, this review is not a flame. I think you are a very talented writer, and this story, while disturbing, is crafted very well. However, I hope you'll consider renaming the characters and trying to sell it to an erotica or fetish journal. I think it would be received well.

Login

Navigation

RSS Feeds

Reviews by Viv