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The Earth Still Remembers... (G)
by LuthienTinuviel.
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Wed Mar 17, 2004 1:12 pm
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You've got the sing-songy feel down fine, but your verbs are often in disagreement. Most of the time you mean to say 'where has ____ gone?' Also, one's self = oneself. You had some nice imagery, like 'corruption coils.' Correct your verbs, and it'll be decent!
~*Holly Took*~ |
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Leaving... (G)
by Monaleoht.
Chapters [1]
Reviews [ 5] Warnings [none]
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Wed Mar 17, 2004 1:08 pm
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You did a great job of hooking me in with all those sensory images! Yay! That's the way to go.
Since this is short and worth keeping, I am going to paste it in here and insert some editing suggestions in brackets, if you don't mind.
Leaving. A lump of pain rises in my chest. Life has been kind, yet the call of the sea is getting stronger [avoid using passive voice; change 'is getting stronger' to 'strengthens]. I am returning [again, passive voice] from where[whence] I came, to[change , to ---> : ] the Valar. The shining ocean, endless horizon, sharp smells and soft sounds lure me away [yay! me likes!]. I go [come on, you can think of a better word than 'go'] now on this grey ship, to a fertile land of silver hills, white beaches and an endless whisper of poetry from the flowing breezes. There, my friends and kin, the ones who survived the war and sailed [away], or[as well as] the ones who died and were reborn there, await. Yet a tugging touches my heart [this phrase is a bit awkward]. I knew this day would come; yet it is [is ---> comes] so soon. Frodo and Gandalf have sailed, yet behind I leave other people, ones who meant[mean, or better yet, a poetic phrase like 'those whom I keep close to my heart,' only something more original  ] a lot to me. Aragorn and Arwen, trusted friends, Merry, Pippin and Sam as well stay[stay as well]. Other friendships that I’ve formed over the years are now standing [passive voice] back at that distant shore[the friendships are standing? better fix that], on which[just 'where'] my heart yearns to be. They could have been non-existent in the long life I will still have [not quite understanding you here], but for the memories, bittersweet, of happy and [of]sad times. But I know that they wouldn’t want me to dwell on these bonds, but be happy for the future ahead [uh-oh! you used two 'but's in one sentence!]. It is with effort that I turn away my head and face forwards, onto[you don't 'face onto'] a new life. I will not dwell in misery, but[though] these friends will, unto eternity, be etched in my heart.
~*Holly Took*~ |
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He of the Ring (G)
by Kate.
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Wed Mar 17, 2004 12:50 pm
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A very ambitious rhyme scheme, I'll give you that! You had some problems with fitting meaningful words into it, though, and in an attempt to stick to the scheme, you came up with some rather silly, off topic phrases: 'throb it,' 'breed him,' 'Fates it! Crates it!' heeheehee . I will give you the same advice I gave to another poet: instead of trying to retell the well-known story using rhyme, you might want to write about the plot we don't know, or delve into character poems.
~*Holly Took*~ |
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Journey (G)
by SamwiseTheStrong.
Chapters [1]
Reviews [ 3] Warnings [none]
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Tue Mar 16, 2004 10:43 pm
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hmmm....needs work. I don't want to be mean, so that's all I'll say.
~*Holly Took*~ |
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The Strangling Ring (G)
by HollyTook.
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Thu Feb 12, 2004 10:01 pm
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| oh, ABCB is my trademark rhyme scheme, though it's fun for me to deviate. If anything, this rhythm is different from my normal style. Usually I write in a 3-4-3-4 iambic pattern, but with this one it's roughly 3-3-3.5-3, all iambic except for the first syllable of the first line. I wasn't too consistent, though, cause it's a new style for me. |
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The Strangling Ring (G)
by HollyTook.
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Thu Feb 12, 2004 6:41 pm
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| Oh my gosh! thank you! I just posted that two seconds ago after just finishing the poem, hehe. |
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Their love will be with me. (G)
by LuthienTinuviel.
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Wed Feb 11, 2004 6:57 pm
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| Lovely message and unique points. However, I can't give this my top rating because of the inconsistent rhythm, awkward lines, and the appearence that you just haven't mastered the language yet. However, you are on your way to becoming a great writer, so don't stop! |
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Help Him (PG-13)
by HazardousRaptor.
Chapters [1]
Reviews [ 6] Warnings [Character Death]
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Mon Feb 09, 2004 10:06 pm
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| Interesting style. A lot of lines seemed a bit choppy to me, though. You might want to either lengthen your lines so they don't seem too abrupt, or you could extend one sentence over several lines so it flows better. That will also give you an oppertunity to articulate more creatively. The line, "You are let go" seemed awkward to me. But I must say, the last stanza was amazing. Right on! |
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Cry No More (G)
by Halfwest.
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Sun Feb 08, 2004 10:45 pm
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| This entranced me. That is hard to do, because as a critical poetry reviewer, I'm always on the lookout for little mistakes or gliches and the like, but after a few lines I just sat back and let your poem carry me away. Your rhythm never faltered one beat! ::applauds profusely:: That is an amazing feat! You articulated your idea so well, with such an original style and pattern. Absolutely superb job. It is a crime that this has not gotten more reviews/hits/ratings. |
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Love Found, Love Lost (G)
by boz4PM.
Chapters [1]
Reviews [ 12]
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Sun Feb 08, 2004 11:03 am
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| This was a nice piece. I'm sorry I couldn't read it in Elvish. I am glad you used original words and images to express this idea which is so often simplified. |
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