Reviews by sindohte

I don't wanna miss a thing. · Mon Aug 23, 2004 9:31 pm

I find that I have to concur with Viv. Songfics are not really my cup of tea, but I am trying to develop an appreciation for them. Imho songfics are a hard thing to write, because it is hard to make a smooth transition from the thoughts conveyed by the song lyrics and what the author is writing. And in this case, the Aerosmith song totally overwhelms what little there is of your writing. To use Viv's analogy about your writing not being fleshed out enough - think of the song lyrics as the skeleton and your writing as the flesh. The song lyrics should give shape to your writing and not be sticking out and distracting the reader.

All he ever wanted · Thu Aug 12, 2004 10:30 pm

While reading your story I got the impression that you were in a hurry to reach the end. Certainly all stories eventually come to an end, but in your haste it was as if chunks of your story were forgotten. For example in Chapter 7, Cimorene and Glorfindel confess their love to one another. Then bam in Chapter 8, it is years later and your OFC is ready to give birth to her first child. My question is - what happened between those two points in time? Not that you need to spend pages upon pages explaining matters, but a little bit of insight into the relationship between your two characters would be helpful. And as Kalia said, finding a beta reader would be helpful in providing you feedback for your story before it is posted. You obviously care about your characters or else you wouldn't have taken the time to write and then share this story at Open Scrolls. My advice is to slow down and let your story unfold.

White Gull From The Sea · Mon Jul 26, 2004 11:40 pm

There is certainly nothing wrong with writing a short story, but where you ended left me hanging. It would be helpful to learn something about what happens after Legolas hears the call of the sea. Does he decide to listen to the call or does he remain in Arda?

Love is a Fallacy · Sat Jul 24, 2004 12:25 am

Your OC has certainly been through enough painful life experiences that would explain her attitude towards life and people in general. However, you might be painting yourself into a corner by creating such an extreme character. It will take a great deal of careful work to pull off a plausible transition from a girl who doesn't trust anyone to someone who actually cares for Legolas.

Prayer of the Rohirrim (alt title: We Of The Sword) · Sat Jul 24, 2004 12:11 am

Wow. Simply wow. I wanted to pick up my sword and fight. You truly captured the Rohirric mindset and the words of the prayer had both a timeless and spellbinding quality to them. As BB said, it definitely gave me chills.

Valor · Sat Jul 24, 2004 12:08 am

Although it was your intention to give the reader some insight into the ME mindset, this piece of writing strongly reminded me of Eowyn. And considering her valiant deeds, she truly exemplifies the characteristics you highlighted.

The Return of the Pilgrim · Wed Jul 21, 2004 6:46 am

You did a nice job of portraying Gandalf's fall at Moria. However, you may want to double check the use of the word "stealth." I am assuming that you were trying to convey the point that Gandalf's life was stolen based on these two lines of your poem -

Your life was forfeit
Your life was stealth

If that is what you were attempting to do, then the word choice should be "stolen." If you were trying to say that Gandalf's life was one of secrecy and hiding, then "stealth" would be the appropriate word. However, it would not fit in with the context of what you had written.

Other than that minor quibble, it was a terrific poem.

Blood and Water · Wed Jul 21, 2004 6:34 am

I find that I have to agree with Kalia. The whole business with mixing the past and future together left me going "huh?" Hopefully you will quickly clear up the issue of whether Elrond is in the past or the present, because to drag out the suspense for too long might cause readers to lose interest or give up in confusion.

For You · Tue Jul 20, 2004 9:28 pm

I am always a sucker for a Legofic and will be interested to see where you take things with him and your OFC. I would caution you to not fall into the trap of turning your heroine into a MarySue. The reason I am bringing this up is because you spent a wee too much time describing Lintelossëwen to the point where it distracted from the rest of the chapter.

The Silver Serpent's Kiss · Tue Jul 20, 2004 8:55 pm

Looks like a promising beginning to what should hopefully be an engaging story. The only criticism that I have to offer that there are several sentences in the first paragraph that are a wee bit too long. And that unfortunately distracts from the narrative. I will definitely be interested in reading about a culture that typiclly is not explored in fanfiction.

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Reviews by sindohte